SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am 4 years out from Dday and have learned more about Infidelity than I had in the last 30 years. Before it hit home, I knew what it was but had no idea the disruption and pain that it causes and how much it changes you. I am so thankful for the SI forum as it has shown me that I am not alone in my journey. The stories, the frustration and the pain that is shared seems endless on here. Most of us trying to make sense of something that makes no sense to us. Searching for fairness from something that doesn't fight fair or follow rules. Asking questions and grasping for advice when we need it. Infidelity will leave a mark on everyone it touches but it doesn't have to dictate the rest of our lives. In my particular case, it took something as tragic as infidelity to bring about change in our marriage. Yes, my wife made the choice to be unfaithful but there were things that I needed to change as a husband too, understanding that nothing I did or said justifies her choice to be unfaithful. In the end we turned something terribly bad into a better version of ourselves and our marriage. As I have discovered, infidelity is unique to the people involve and one shoe does not fit all. There are so many different outcomes but there is one thing that we have all shared from this and that is the pain, frustration and disruptions of our lives. " For Better or Worse" is a fitting line in marriage vows as we now have experienced what can happen when things get tough in marriage and the poor choices people make at those times. I wish there was no need for this forum but I am thankful for all the people who have helped me and continue to help me. Infidelity is gut wrenching, not fair and makes no sense and there is so much in our lives we do not have control of. Letting go of the past is hard but it can be done. The choice is yours.

Lost1313

Infidelity will leave a mark on everyone it touches but it doesn't have to dictate the rest of our lives.

Very true, Lost. Very true.

Letting go of the past is hard but it can be done. The choice is yours.

Two very important takes in each sentence there, and both helped me a great deal.

I don’t know if I will ever see anything ‘good’ come from the Hell we go through, other than on the other side of it, I did find empowerment in choosing each and every new day.

The reset sure has allowed for the building of something better.

I am glad you found a way to move forward!

You make some great points.

But here is what is interesting. During my dating years I met up with some jerks. Many cheaters. One serial cheater.

It hurt to be cheated on. But having the ability to end the relationship and walk away lessened the pain (for me).

But the devastation of my H cheating and kicking me to the curb for the much younger OW will stay with me forever. It’s not because I decided to R but because I never suspected he would become someone I didn’t recognize during his affair.

He became rude and nasty and arrogant and condescending. Walked around like his big ego was an asset — and I played into it b/c he had 2 women fighting over him.

I don’t know about surviving a Divorce but I think it’s equally as hard as surviving infidelity.

I don’t know about surviving a Divorce but I think it’s equally as hard as surviving infidelity.

I've survived both and they're not equally hard. Surviving infidelity was, without question, the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Divorcing was painful, but orders of magnitude easier.

Seconding Unhinged. The divorce has been much less stressful than those two years of attempted R, and the months after dday1 were the worst of my life. I have never been closer to ending myself than I was then, and it's the only time I've ever actively harmed myself. Divorce is heartbreaking, but it's a cleaner form of grief, and I'm no longer living in a state of fear and anxiety.

Lost1313, I'm glad you're in a better place after 4 years and that infidelity was a catalyst for your marriage.

[This message edited by NoThanksForTheMemories at 5:25 AM, Sunday, May 31st]

I may be using fallacious logic, but I think the right resolution is the easiest resolution. I'm as certain as I can be that D would have been harder for me than R, not that I think R was easy.

We don't have the luxury or convenience of what-if. I believe I'm happier R'ed than I would be if I had D'ed, but the reverse is certainly possible.

One of my wishes for the folks here is that they do the work necessary to be happy in their post-d-day lives. I am definitely happy for the folks who have responded in this thread. Finding the right answer seems priceless to me.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:25 PM, Monday, June 1st]

UnHinged nails it:

I've survived both and they're not equally hard. Surviving infidelity was, without question, the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Divorcing was painful, but orders of magnitude easier.

Divorce was just formally severing all (other than emotional) relationship parameters.