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[This message edited by Aspire at 4:54 AM, Friday, April 3rd]

OP, I just want to give you a heads up that, when life starts to get less comfortable for her and the shine wears off this turd that she's screwing, you might find yourself on the receiving end of promises of change and an endless waterfall of tears.

She's being this smug and brazen because she really can't imagine a universe in which she isn't the brightest start at the center of it... and you're helpless to do nothing except circle her orbit.

But once she starts to see you empowered and moving forward with life on your own, she's going to try to suck you back in. Love bombing. Sex bombing. If that doesn't work, rage and sadness bombing. Don't give in to any of it, trust me. You will regret it if you do.

Yep, already started. For an update, met with an attorney and was told that no matter my contribution, real property assets would probably be a 50/50 split of equity. So I hired an appraiser for the "forever home" on the river and will present her an offer in the next 30-60 days. A couple of bank accounts have been split up , mostly pursuant to an argument, but split nonetheless so I think she's seeing some pull back on my part.

She's now started to initiate some intimacy but its always qualified with statements beforehand of " I just don't want to be played." The other day she tried and I just shut it down, and for the first time in months she started following me around the house wanting to discuss things. I told her I didn't want to argue and to leave me alone and it made her reaction worse. She bounces between "don't touch me and pretend" to "come lay with me"...just all over the map. She IS overwhelmingly concerned with "her stuff" vs my stuff and wants to ensure I'm not building a plan to move out and take anything of hers. As context, I did move some valuables to my sister's house (small amount) and erroneously grabbed two of her items which I promptly returned. But of course now she's worried I'll do more without her knowledge. I assured her I wouldn't, but I also inquired why material things seemed most concerning to her, and not my emotions.

I'm also repeatedly assured they didn't sleep together, but my spidy senses say if thats true then something close to it definitely occurred. I know I'm genuinely less affected by this on some days..inching through the process and pain but its an internal shift and she senses it I think.

She's also juggling two jobs, our daughter getting married, a senior in high school, and I get the constant excuse of how she really hasn't had time to process anything yet. But my observations are very little remorse and regret, and still a lot of apathy during more emotional conversations, especially surrounding how I'VE been affected.

[This message edited by scottmklamath at 7:04 PM, Tuesday, April 7th]

I'm also repeatedly assured they didn't sleep together, but my spidy senses say if thats true then something close to it definitely occurred.

If they ever had opportunity to be together alone(ish), it’s all but certain some form of adultery took place. It’s what adults do. Call her bluff by telling her to write out a full and complete timeline, which will be followed up by her undergoing a polygraph. Watch how fast she backpedals….

You really have a ton on your plate with an upcoming wedding and your youngest’s graduation, as you work toward separation. It does not sound like her heart is into making an effort to R. But you want to make sure that your kids big days are not tainted by your WP’s infidelity and resulting turmoil. Sorry that you have to carry that burden, but this whole thing is unfair to you. Follow your attorney’s advice. Do your best to limit engaging or arguing with your WP. Keep it as businesslike as you can. Not an easy task as you sort out your intertwined personal and business interests.

Her behavior is pretty typical - more concerned with her life and success than yours. At some point, if and when she accepts that you're leaving her, her emotions might get more extreme. She might get angry and lash out. She might beg and cry or try to make a grand romantic gesture to "win you back", but all of it is ultimately about getting what she wants. Until and unless she is ready to sacrifice her happiness for yours, she will continue to be a poor candidate for R.

I hope you're able to find more measures of peace as this process moves forward, especially that you can be in the moment for your kids and their special occasions. A wedding and a high school graduation are also achievements for the parents, so congrats on that!

She's now started to initiate some intimacy but its always qualified with statements beforehand of " I just don't want to be played."

You don't specify whether you have sex when she "initiates", but if you are, cut that shit out right now. Having sex with her isn't going to emotionally fog your brain and make it much harder to detach and make rational decisions.

Perhaps more importantly, sex with your partner is hazardous to your health. You don't know where she's been and what she's bringing home to you.

Bluer, yes any of that pseudo-intimacy wass making detachment tough for sure, but intimacy is officially stopped. We interact personally and professionally daily, so i have that constant mindfXXX. The only pure emotion I know I possess right now is whenever she leaves the house and goes somewhere, I have a surge of anxiety. Has it lessened in 3 months? I can say 'Yes', marginally. But the thought of 100% detachment is really tough to think about. We are inching through the separation of smaller financial stuff and some personal items, so I cannot say that we are actively trying to R in that regard. There are moments of levity where we talk and act "couple-ish" but I've started to wonder if this is just manipulation. Knowing her for 17 years I will surmise its probably 50% genuine, 50% keeping the peace or pursuing an agenda.

Some of the financial support from me has started to wither, and I think its the only way I can see her genuine emotion. The major stuff is still there and I hope to have resolution on some of that over the next month, so we'll see her true colors.

Thats the only update for now.

Hope you've addressed the employment issue with your attorney at your meetings. Labor law can be complex in certain states. I just don't see how I could continue to work with an ex that cheated. New nightmare unlocked...

Is she trying to claim common law marriage? Does your state even recognize common law marriages?

Instead of spousal support and traditional asset division, are you left with one side buying the other out or selling the business outright and splitting according to ownership valuation?

Good luck with everything and continue detaching from her. Stay cordial to her in front of the kids- have the kids been informed of the situation or are you waiting until graduation and the wedding is completed? Again good luck.

Hope you've addressed the employment issue with your attorney at your meetings. Labor law can be complex in certain states. I just don't see how I could continue to work with an ex that cheated. New nightmare unlocked...

Is she trying to claim common law marriage? Does your state even recognize common law marriages?

Instead of spousal support and traditional asset division, are you left with one side buying the other out or selling the business outright and splitting according to ownership valuation?

I'm 100% owner of the business so no issues there. Attorney says I can fire her whenever I want, but to ensure daily continuity with my clients I've kept her on...for now.

No common law in my state so safe there. Which leaves real estate and a split of the equity. She doesn't know I'm pursuing this yet with the key property, but appraisal is forthcoming this week and then I need to talk to the bank about a cash out refi to get her off. Oh, and get her to agree and not take it to court which will give us the same result and only reward the attorneys.