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I’ve been happily married for 20 years. We dated for 5 years before we married. During those five years she broke up with me twice. The first breakup was maybe 3 weeks and the second was about 6 weeks.
It’s a long story and I don’t feel like it adds to the issue but I found out she had sexual relations with at least 5 different guys during this time. Intercoarse with four of them and oral only with one.
She wasn’t experience too much before me. Maybe 3 times between two guys and they probably lasted a total of 15 minutes and were vanilla ( missionary in the dark).
I believe two of these guys she messed with before the break up.
I feel like I’m a broken man. I can’t believe this and I feel over half my life has been a lie.
My wife blows it off like it was not a big deal, was so long ago, and she chose me so why am I upset.

I love her and don’t want to leave but I’m not sure how I can ever trust her. I feel insecure now as well.
I have no one to talk to other than my therapist.

BA150, sorry you find yourself here.

How did you find out about it? Were you asking questions?

Long story but we had a really big fight and the issue of trust came up and things spiraled out of control. From that argument I had hunched and started digging.

Curious: when you got back together each time, did you ask her if she was sexually active with anyone else?

Your story is identical to mine, if you read through the responses to my original post you may find them helpful. Well anyway I hope your not as crazy as me but I found out after 10 yrs of marriage after having my second child and what my wife revealed to me still bothers me 25 yrs later. its like I married a stranger, my once nice past was rewritten, at least my wife broke down crying and didnt minimize my shock and pain. You were officially broken up correct? My wife's hookups were after fights or one week breaks.

Welcome to SI and sorry you're here. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. The Tacital Primer has some really good information. There are other great posts that aren't pinned, so you may need to scroll to find them. They have bull's eye icons, so they're easy to find. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a lot of great information. The ICR (I Can Relate) forum has a thread for those who found out many years after the A (affair).

Just because it may have been a long time ago, it is new to you. I suggest she read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald and Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. I also suggest she has IC (individual counseling) to work on being a safe partner and working towards rebuilding your trust.

Rebuilding trust takes consistent actions over time. There really aren't any shortcuts there. Good luck.

What kind of break-ups were these, all those years ago?

Were they, "Maybe we should take a little break"?

Or were they, "I never want to see you again."

Was exclusivity during these breaks understood?

By her? Or did she really think you were over and she was moving on?

In any event, she sowed some wild oats. But,

SHE CAME BACK TO YOU!

Whatever went on with those guys, physically or emotionally,

SHE CAME BACK TO YOU.

I’m jealous.

If the breakups were with the clear understanding that the relationship was over then in my opinion she did nothing wrong. If it was one of those hey we need to take a step back from each other for a little bit and see where things are in a little while, that's different for me. But again with this, unless there was a conversation about being with other people then again I don't think she did anything wrong

Now, when you got back together if you asked if she had been with anybody else and her answer was no well now you have a big problem

Were you celibate during the breaks? Reason I ask is I had a roommate whose girl did another guy while away from college. He was torn up. I pointed out that he had been doing any female he could get his hands on for the same period.

Any way, this sounds like she tried out other guys to experiment whether there was someone better out there and so "she came back" doesn’t work for me.

Friend, I really would be cautious of ANY advice that calls this no big deal. It is a VERY big deal. This rewrites everything you assumed and interjects something in your history that your brain now has to rethink everything in relation to this new information

It is trauma.

And it was wrong that she did not fully disclose this. That is BS that it is no big deal. She lied to you by omission. A few weeks and she slept with 3 or 4 people....that is news that you may have taken and chose not to continue with her.

Please, watch Jake Porter on YouTube regarding betrayal trauma.

Your feelings are completely justified and it will take lots of healing. Do NOT get therapy from a normal therapist. You needs a betrayal trauma therapist.

Yes. A new guy every 10 days is some serious screwing. Took a lot of effort.