SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m struggling. I’m trying my hardest I really am and I used to be on a 5-7 day cycle before I’d crash but now it’s every other day.

I’ve visited some dark places trying to get to the core of this ‘connection’ ‘feelings’ loop but to no avail. I’ve realised that growing up I was always too much, too emotional, too clingy, too fat, too loud, too inquisitive, just too much. I have spent my marriage shrinking myself in order to not be too much, then you are hit with betrayal and I felt like I was nothing.
I won’t shrink myself anymore, ever.

I’ve asked all the questions a billion times, every single avenue is exhausted.

I have good days, bad days, in between days and days where I don’t want to see another day days.

My H is amazing, honestly he is. He’s there for me whenever I need him which I’m trying to not do now because I need to fully regulate myself, he goes to therapy with me, he’s done a lot of work himself which I’m so proud of him for, he still has a lot of shame but he doesn’t drown in it he’s fully there for me and can articulate his feelings openly and freely. He is absolutely thriving being himself, authentic, he still finds certain situations difficult but nobody is perfect, to be honest I’ve never seen him as happy as he is now.

I’m at a point now where I’m exhausted and am desperate for relief, I thought that the feelings loop was about romantic feelings or feelings of longing. I asked my H if he felt anything like that I’d like him to do the right thing and leave because I refuse to stay in a marriage of obligation and or being a consolation prize. I know him, I know he’d do the right thing for me now, with tears in his eyes he said I don’t need to leave I’m staying. This was weeks ago and I still can’t get rid of this absolute soul destroying loop, I think it might be that I can’t deal with him having any sort of connection at all, even if it was a connection that was garbage and fake it still happened, it might be that it just won’t sit in my head right and I’ve tried, believe me I’ve tried so hard. It’s killing me.
Every time I get dragged in which is so frequent now it’s unbelievable, I feel like my brain is just trying to tell me that this will never not take me down and I have to end my marriage, which seems such a shame because we’re actually really good together.

My H has made some shocking mistakes over the years but I’m more than happy to file the sex workers under too young, extremely dumb, peer pressure, drunk, temptation etc. I feel nothing at all when I think of these, no emotional charge whatsoever, no triggers and it also helps that it was a long time ago, over a decade one over two . The A won’t fit, I’ve dug and dug and dug I’ve been down every single path and taken everything apart and nope, not happening.

I want to be done with this, I need to be done. Can anyone help me pinpoint what it is that I’m missing?

Thank you for listening my SI friends.

Bruce123

About 6-8 months out was some of the hardest for me. Thats around the time the magnitude and deliberate-ness of my wife's betrayal hit me. I had finally snapped out of my shock.

It was so hard to find the place where I could believe she loved me and was committed to reconciliation.
Her actions during her affair were so calculated and deliberate it was really hard to believe.

Her being a royal pain in the a$$ extended that time into 10-11 months. How i was able to be patient through all that I don't know.

I have had similar thoughts, and fears: what if infidelity is actually a deal breaker for me and I just don't know it yet?

Around that time I was posting here and some old timers made some comments along the lines of "there is no rush. You can give it time and still leave later". Good advice!

It sounds like your husband is doing all he can. I suggest you give it time, and try to find the silver linings to make each day more bearable. With time I think you will see where you are at, and act from that place.

I told myself I had to make sure I gave reconciliation a really through try before I gave up, no matter how down I was feeling at the time.

Good luck.

You asking the question a million times is due to the betrayal trauma. Funny thing about our brains. Trauma is trauma and our brain doesn't distinguish between betrayal trauma and getting chased by a cheetah. Once your brain has realized you're safe, that should calm down.

Also, when you're constantly thinking about the same thing, Your brain makes a neural pathway to them, and will automatically go there via this short cut.

Maybe ask your IC about exercises to help. Interestingly, certain games can help retrain your brain, such as Candy Crush or other match 3 games. We're all different, so you will need to find what works for you.

Bruce123, when I discovered my H cheated with prostitutes, it really killed this M for me. (We have been IHS ever since D-Day 1 in 2002...) Just a thought to maybe help you out with this loop you speak of: what if it is the consequence of you having "minimized" his sexual betrayal of your relationship by choosing to screw around with sex workers, by telling yourself "well, at least they didn't mean anything to him," but then, the A threw that sort of excuse into the trash can? Leaving you spinning for an explanation, perhaps? The bigger picture is more like he wasn't monogamous, and that is your real injury. (((Bruce123)))

I even heard our (useless) MC try to minimize my trauma by saying "At least it wasn't a love affair...many women would be more upset about that." Shhhheeeesssh. To me, at least, sexual betrayal is sexual betrayal. If you could look at that as a function of how he sees women and how you see your role in his life, maybe that would help you stabilize your loop?

I have come to understand my husband’s affairs (6 PA "sex only" and one EA long distance) to some degree.

The "sex only" affairs inform me of his ability to view sex as a transaction. He wasn’t involved with sex workers, but ONS or a sex-for-the-sake-of excitement thing. Transactional in the idea that neither party had any emotional involvement, but both had their own agendas in mind - making themselves feel good.

His EA was the last one. It has broken my thoughts on how secure I felt in the marriage. Somehow I thought I was able to address his PAs before, and "move on", but in reality I had NOT addressed them - I just rugswept, and now am faced with actually confronting the affairs head-on.

I have had the same thoughts, "is he settling", too. That was the case back in 2005 in my head when I discovered his PA at that time.

Now? I have similar questions. Why did he stay back then? Why did he even bother coming back after he left in 1978? Has he spent his life with "Plan B", waiting and looking for "Plan A" to cross his path?

And is he staying now just because of finances, or family, or the easy way?

Was his EA that "Plan A", and is the fact that I reacted so emotionally making him feel like he has to stay out of guilt for the pain he inflicted on me?

I think these questions are normal. And I think the only way to know is for time to pass, and to see him CONSISTENTLY behaving like the changes he has made in his thinking are real.

My husband has only just begun in the past 6 months to pull his head out on how to reconcile, the things he needs to do without fail. He’s not perfect, but he is finally showing that effort and change.

I need reassurance, consistency, and to see his changes. And I know that this is going to take a minute.

Also, your rewrite of who you were as a child as "too" this or that?

You were a child.

I’m not in the habit of blaming kids for things they do as they grow and develop into adults. Every one of us was "too" this or "too" that, and we cannot shame ourselves for having a child’s mind when we were a child.

[This message edited by 5Decades at 5:45 PM, Sunday, November 30th]

I have spent my marriage shrinking myself in order to not be too much, then you are hit with betrayal and I felt like I was nothing.

That's heartbreaking, Bruce. I loved my W2b for some of the very things she did not like (hated?) about herself. Truly, if she didn't show me those characteristics, I think I would have liked her but not loved her.

IOW, I may be projecting, but I can't help thinking your H loved you in part because you're loud, inquisitive, emotional. etc.

I won’t shrink myself anymore, ever.

That is so great! I hope this isn't negative: prepare yourself to nurture yourself when you find you've shrunk yourself in the future. You can't change overnight. Change happens slowly - first an act of being yourself, then acts from habit, then a few acts of being yourself and a few acts from habit. Eventually you'll be yourself but old habits will assert themselves once in a while.

Again, my bet is that your H sees your 'too this and that' as 'just right' or maybe even 'I'd like to see more of'. Be yourself, sister BS.

I'm not saying you contributed to the A by not being yourself. Your H cheated because he was dissatisfied with himself, not with you. If being yourself is not enough for your WS, you don't need him - but you describe remorse, which means R is possible, if you want it.

Whether my interpretation is valid or not, I'm sorry you stifled yourself, and I'm happy to read of your insight and your decision to be who you are.

(((Bruce123))) - a hug if it helps

I’m wondering how young you were when you started fearing you were ‘too much’. It’s a message quite easily ingested, especially by toddlers, even from a good caregiver who happens to be tired and juggling too many kids, things, responsibilities. Maybe it’s a lesson you learnt too well. Great that you’re trying to unlearn it now, or at least be aware of it.

Sometimes the other answers take time to unfold, as do other questions. At this stage, your brain is still trying to put all the puzzle pieces together. But it does need a break from all that work. How do you do that? Especially as you are sounding like you fall into rumination pits and a worry habit.

What flow activities do you do that can bring emotional respite? With or without your H?

Sometimes it can be helpful to focus more on where you want to go and what outcome you want - that kind of positive focus can be a respite in itself. A zoom out into a bigger picture can be both soothing and guiding.

This worry about an obligation marriage? That sounds rooted in childhood shame about self…

[This message edited by Edie at 1:52 PM, Friday, December 5th]