SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hoping these past few days have brought some peace into your life.

Even eliminating the back and forth with Mr Cheater hopefully brings a good deal of calmness in your day to day.

Big hugs, stay strong. This is the worst but you're doing great!

Still in the same position unfortunately. So he begged for forgiveness said all the right things etc… he has a new job lined up and has took a few weeks leave until the new one starts. BUT he will not block and delete her number and won’t allow me access to the phone.

So here is my new plan, I’m going to save as much money as I can to come out of the property and start a fresh. I’m focusing on the children and not falling into anything he says. Legal advice basically was I can apply to court to have the house just in my name but will take weeks maybe months because of backlogs and no immediate danger. I have started this process getting all the evidence entered but am yet to finish, I didn’t realise I had so much. I’m certain he’s having some kind of mid life crisis. I’m certain he will still end up back with the OW it’s just a matter of time.
But I’m riding it all out and feeling really positive, that’s both if I end up staying in the house or getting a new place. I know exactly where the path leads to just unsure which one it is yet and I’m happy either way that

I’m hopeful that you have a plan that will give you some financial stability for your future.

The only thing that is troublesome is that you have to live with him (because he’s so unpredictable) at this point.

Please read up on the 180. That is where you emotionally separate yourself from him so that if the OW is still in the picture you are not bothered or upset or crying on the floor. If you see he’s still texting her, it only has a small impact on you.

If he becomes abusive to you on a continued basis, how will you manage that? No one wants to see you being treated badly as that will make you feel worse about yourself. And you deserve better than that.

Do you have a time limit if he continues to lie and cheat as to how long you will remain in this situation?

Hoping for the best for you.

Just wanted to update so I’m hoping to get out by march the latest.

He has quit his job and starts a new one in a few weeks. He will also be starting counselling. We’ve been getting along fine. Says he’d like to work through it. But won’t allow access to the phone, major red flag but okay. Doesn’t feel need to block and delete OW as she won’t contact him he won’t contact her- another major red flag

All sounds confusing right? Well what he hasn’t realised is I know exactly which is her number on the phone bill and can see they are still in contact daily! Am I upset? Surprised? Not at all!

I feel I’m in a better place mentally, I see him for exactly who he is and over this year have figured out how he tries to play me. I will continue to play happy families for Christmas with him until I’m able to get out of here. But at the same time still keeping my guard firmly up and implementing the 180!

I’m glad you are coming from a place of strength.

Proud of you! I know how hard this is and how annoying it is to have to pretend, but you are doing the right thing.

I’m not sure how you control yourself when he lies right to your face that he’snot in contact w/ the OW. That probably deserves an Academy Award performance lol.

An alternative to blocking: my W changed her cell phone number with no forwarding from the old one.

W also had another number for her practice, but she closed her practice and shut the phone number off.

Thank you for the suggestion sisoon.

He wants to work it out but is not willing to give me the pin to his phone the excuse it gave him major anxiety this summer when he woke once and I was going through his phone.

And he still won’t block her as he needs to go through his stuff still to make sure he has everything.

2 major red flags! And are confirming to me I’m making the correct decision by eventually leaving him!

Perhaps it wouldn't cause such anxiety if there were nothing to find! Duh.

I’m also pleased with the more determined tone in your latest posts but I have to get this message across:

In your earlier posts you said you had some abilities that – frankly – I doubted you had. Like the legal ability to kick him out and the legal ability to limit whom he had the kids around. Things that you later confirmed weren’t as clear-cut as you thought. It’s not clear if you already have REAL legal representation or advice, rather than maybe somebody with no accountability telling you what they think or what you want to hear.

Please friend – you need to base your decisions on REALITY.

To me it’s clear that the affair is still ongoing. He might have degraded the OW to "friend", but his secrecy with the phone and all that is a BIG red flag. I think it’s even more likely that he’s stringing both of you along.

Why would a young woman accept being downgraded from girlfriend and potential partner to "friend"? What would he have to say to her that would make her accept this situation AND still keep on talking to him?

I can only speculate, but I think some promise of change would be required. Like "I have to be with Missmee because otherwise I lose my house and my children, but it’s only while I calm things down and prepare for when I get out of this miserable relationship and then we can both ride into the sunset together...".

Maybe he’s lying to both of you, maybe only her, maybe only you... What if would fear is that during this time HE might be doing something that could potentially harm you and your position when and if push comes to shove.

Please Missmee – use this time you have to clarify your position. Not to him – but to you. Be clear on what steps are necessary to ensure your rights it this ends with a separation. See what documents might help your case, what commitments might hinder it. Be ready, because even if there is a total turnaround in his attitude and he comes begging for redemption, this is information that will benefit you.

Edited to add: No need to change number because he WANTS ongoing contact with her. Change number and she would be back in his contacts as "Fred" within an hour.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:39 AM, Monday, December 1st]