Fourteen years ago today, my W revealed she'd been having sex with a client. She's OK now; she's still unhappy with herself, but I like and love her. I'm good. Our M is good. I can read JFO without triggering about being betrayed, although I do trigger on over-generalizations and what I think is bad thinking. 
I get memories of d-day and being betrayed when I'm under stress sometimes, but I think that's mainly because I'm on SI almost every day; if I didn't continue to read and post, the A would have even less impact on me than it does now. I check myself periodically to see if I'm dodging personal issues, and the ones I'm dodging are always about myself now, not about my W or our M.
The A is firmly in my past. The memories are generally annoyances, except when I use a memory in posting here. We talked about the A this morning, as we do a few times a year. I'm sad about it, but not enough to brood; we quickly and naturally moved on to something a lot more pleasant. The A is just one part of our history, a significant part, to be sure, but not the biggest by any means.
I'm not sure why I'm still on SI, and I would not be surprised if I'm here because I'm still working on something. OTHO, I may be here as a way of contemplating our inhumanity to each other and how to recover from this one way we hurt.
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A Way to Read SI
I think we all have a few cohorts on SI.
One is the group of people with d-days 2-many years earlier than yours. We're good sources for the variations in healing. We demonstrate the variation in what might be in your future. We range from happy in R to happy in D to unhappy.
A 2nd is the group with d-days close to yours. They're good at giving you the variation of thoughts and feelings that are normal for someone in your position.
If you stick around, you'll see a 3rd group of people - those whose d-days came after yours. You'll be able to give them the help you once sought.
A 2nd way to Read SI
Some people tell you to do one thing or another. Others will post with a goal of helping you figure out your best best course of action.
You have to live your own life, and you know your sitch better than anyone here does. My reco is to place more weight on the counsel aimed at helping you figure out your best course of action.
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Healing part 1
My W's A was traumatic for this BS. My advice to BSes is to figure out what you want, then figure out how likely you think you can get what you want with your WS.
IMO, d-day makes it necessary for every BS and WS to figure out who you are, who you want to be, and how you'll change from who you are to who you want to be.
I think another and better way of putting that is: to heal, a BS needs to question themself, their images of life, their wants, their needs, their perceptions, their thinking, how they process their feelings - everything about themselves.
I'd focus on one's 'shoulds'. What 'shoulds' reflect one's real 'wants', and what lies underneath turning a want into a should? 'What 'shoulds' reflect what one has been told to want. What 'wants' are 'requirements? Which ones are 'nice to haves'? Which apply to oneself? Which apply to others?' Which are attainable? Which aren't? Which conflict with each other?
IOW, even though the WS has traumatized the BS, IMO it's best for the BS to take the blow and prepare to take their whole life apart and put it back together.
The BS doesn't necessarily need to change for the Ws; the change is necessary, IM, because the WS's A means the BS's image of reality needs at least some adjustment.
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Healing part 2
A second aspect of healing is, IMO, processing the feelings - mainly anger, grief, fear, and shame - that come with being betrayed.
We can all do difficult things even when we're experiencing strong feelings. It's natural to freeze, run, or attack another when attacked oneself. It's also pretty common to think before acting. Many of us have wanted to beat the shit out of our WSes or their aps, but not many of us have actually done it, for example. We can think even under the influence of strong feelings.
We have our feelings, after all; they don't have us.
But healing requires acknowledging, accepting, and releasing the feelings that come with being betrayed. The alternative is stuffing the feelings into one's body where they will fester and cause additional pain.
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Healing part 3
IMO, you'll do better if you open yourself up to both D and R. In some cases, the BS has no choice - for example, when the WS leaves or when the BS simply doesn't want the WS back. In most cases, however, both D & R are possibilities.
Some BSes decide to put one or the other off the table. My reco is to put preconceptions aside. Put aside your perception of society's desires. Focus on your healing and your best interests. Let the D/R decision flow from those considerations.
I say that because, IMO, every sitch has its own uniqueness, and you can't know what's best for you until you're in the sitch that requires you to decide.
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A Speculation
I wonder how many of us - BSes and WSes alike - are driven by fear of abandonment.
Fearing abandonment was a part of my life for a looong time. I resolved it 10-15 years before my W's A, and IMO doing so helped me understand the A was about her, not about me. Pre-resolution, I saw myself as a person who might deserve being left. Post-resolution, I saw myself as a good guy and good H who people would not want to leave. My confidence made it easier for my W to gaslight me during her A, but it made it harder to gaslight me after d-day.
IMO, fear of abandonment can show up in WSes who are motivated to cheat, at least in part, by cheating because the fear they will be dumped or cheated on. It may be visible in BSes who won't or can't see D as a possible resolution in their unique cases.
But fear is a lousy way to decide. My reco is to, instead, choose the option that you think will bring you the most joy, even though that looks riskier than deciding based on your fear of more pain.
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Something that helped me and still does
Like many BSes, I often spiraled into circular thinking about how hard life is for a BS. Psychology calls it 'perseveration.'
Almost always, the way out was first to ask myself, 'What am I feeling?' and then to decide how to express myself. Sometimes I'd raise an issue with my W; sometimes, scream, sometimes, write; sometimes, take a walk or a drive, etc., etc., etc.
But the way out of the downward spiral started with knowing what I was feeling. At first, it was often difficult to know that. Keeping it simple - limiting my answers to one of mad/sad/scared, or ashamed - helped a lot.
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A Note on My Wording
I write 'd-day' instead of 'D-Day' because I grew up with men who landed in Normandy on D-Day. As traumatic as d-day was, I'm glad I was far from those beaches on June 6, 1944. IMO, there's no comparison.
I do not use upper case letters to refer to om, ow, ap, etc. Upper case letters imply respect that they don't deserve.
I redesign sentences to avoid using any of those terms as the 1st letter of a sentence.
I hope everyone would follow my example in this. 
[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:57 PM, Sunday, December 22nd]
