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So my Ws affair started at the Christmas party two years ago. He went to the one last year but it was such a trigger he didn’t go this year. The ap is still there but in a different office location and I made him move. Anyway he was clearly depressed on the day and started to say he was annoyed that she got to go and he didn’t. Basically, I joined in bitching about her then took a step back and said actually she was very young, and he was the manager and this was the consequence of his actions. It stopped there and he apologised.

Fast forward to two days later he started it again, that he hates her, why did she still work there and that he heard she was flirting with the new guy. At this point I got annoyed and said, well first of all I have heard this all before and only three weeks ago I caught him talking to her in a very positive way like they were star crossed lovers. Secondly, why did he care if she was flirting with the new guy they are both single. So I asked him if he was jealous? And how did he know this anyway. He said other colleagues told him.

He is still caught up on her right? And on the same morning he was asking me about having another baby.

What were the circumstances under which you caught him talking to the AP?

His behavior doesn’t indicate that his focus is on healthy reconciliation. Pouting about her getting to go and him not being able to is childish and ridiculous. And yes, him caring whether she is flirting with someone else is concerning.

Are you in individual therapy? Is he? It sounds like you each need some professional help to figure out where you are and how to get to a better place individually and together (or not together).

Thank you for replying. I recorded him talking to her. I wrote about it on here. I occasionally look at his work emails and saw he wanted to speak to her about a work project (after swearing he never spoke to heras she was now in a different office location to him). I left a vr and caught him telling her how he was struggling, that he wanted to text her but didn’t that it never helps, that he didn’t want to restart things (from like what two years ago so makes me think it had restarted) that when they did text it was so nice but didn’t help anything, that he wanted to tell her something and that she knew what it was he wanted to say. Anyway he didn’t think he had done anything wrong but promised to move country to where I am from but now this is framed as I will do this but it will ruin my life. Do you really want to ruin my life?

Sorry this is such a rant. I am not in individual therapy either is he (he refuses to, doesn’t believe in it) but to be fair to him, is now very involved with the children, rarely goes out (I am going out a lot) and has started to apologise. So when I was annoyed about him mentioning that she was flirting with someone else I said ‘you sound jealous of her and she can flirt with who she likes’ and he doesn’t react aggressive as he would in the past.

He is still connected to her emotionally, it sounds like.

Sorry you are in this situation, LemonPie, having to wait him out.

Just remember you don’t have to wait him out.

Sending strength!

I read your other thread. Please do not entertain thoughts of having another child with him right now. You have WAY too much to sort out before tying yourself further to this man. Take care of yourself and your kids and focus on strengthening and healing yourself. Try to take some steps back emotionally and evaluate his behavior from a greater distance. You have options; it might just take some time and distance and healing to emotionally accept that they are options.

It appears that he still wants to have some contact or interaction w/ the OW.

Not a good sign.

You are going to be healing slowly to not at all while he works with AP. I've sent similar messages to you in your other threads.

I expertly rationalized why it was OK in my case, but it turns out it was not OK.

Yes, he's still thinking about her.

We talk of NC. It's easier when NC is physical, but a few people have R'ed when professional contact between aps has been maintained.

But the NC that really matters is emotional. The WS needs to detach from their ap. Your H hasn't done that. That is a giant obstacle to R and a giant red flag.

Your H wants his ap to find a new job. Can he really not find a new job for himself?

Thank you all, I know I sound like a broken record. I just need somewhere to vent.

. The last time I caught him it was all big promises to move to my home country, he told his boss and his family. His mum then came around and according to him told him how negative it would be. He has now said if we move back, he will still never speak to my family again and it will ruin his life that I have to organise it all and he will reluctantly come. He is someone who hates change but maybe I just need to go ahead with this move and test his actual willingness to put the family first.

I feel a lot of resentment but don’t want to be miserable and I want to give my children a good childhood so try as much as possible to suppress it and get in with things and we get on ok. Also he has on occasions just spontaneously apologised for all he has put us through.

He is not a safe partner.

He is having a whining about not being able to go to a party where AP will be. As long as they work together there will be a problem – because one or the other harbors a hope their paths will cross. As long as they work together – even if in different areas/assignments, there is never fully NC.

And whining to you about it – is he that cruel he’s rubbing your nose in it and flaunting his misery? Sounds to me like "look mom – this is all your fault you grounded me from that party – the girl I like is going to be there and you are deliberately keeping me from her – how could you do this to me" Except he’s not 15, this isn’t high school and you aren’t his mother.

He’s not over her. And worse…he doesn’t even want to be.

I agree with Chaos. He's a giant babyman who is incapable of owning his bad behavior, and you've put yourself in the position of being the mommy of a spoiled brat. As long as you keep doing what you're doing, so will he. He has no incentive to change.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 7:12 PM, Monday, December 9th]

Thank you all for your posts. I know I am repeating myself but you all help me a lot. He has come home today after a Christmas lunch where AP was there. I didn’t think it would but it has angered me and I was mean and snarky as he came back all ‘my life is crap’. They all hate me. The new office is crap and the old office has moved on with ou. I just had no sympathy and made mean comments about him being jealous of the ap. anyway tomorrow is another day

He had no business going to a place where AP would be.

And his woe is me pity party shit is pretty pathetic as a kindergarten playground where one kid stormed off because the other kid got to the shiny red firetruck first.

And the fact that he expected sympathy from you is very telling and sad.

I would get the ball rolling on moving. You need something big like that to see his commitment, or lack thereof.