SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Not to long ago WH and I went out with some friends to a music trivia night. We all had a fabulous night! One ‘funny’ thing happened though - at one point the host asked us all about our relationships, assuming to hook up some singles. But he did ask all those in a committed relationship going home with their partner to raise their hand.

Well my WH put his hand up. I gave him a filthy look and said ‘um I don’t this so mate, that is definitely not us anymore’.

Then today I was reading through another thread where it is obvious not everyone believes in true R. And even though that is what I am trying to do I think I completely agree.

I no longer consider my marriage a committed one and I know I never will. The truth is I think my WH would absolutely do it again given the chance. I also read some articles the other day where they interviewed couple after infidelity and one couple said ‘sex’ was not the main focus of their marriage so why let a few little flings wreck an otherwise good union.

All of this has really got me thinking (I’m a terrible over thinker at the best of times 😂). I know I stayed for my son and my finances but seriously I’ll be fucked if this stupid affair will not let me enjoy my life. So I have accepted that my marriage is not one in fairy tales (god not even close) and my husband, whilst a good husband in many ways can not be trusted around women who show any interest in him. Well that’s how I feel about him at the moment.

But that’s ok. That is the life I am now going to lead and I will just try to enjoy it best I can.

[This message edited by Webbit at 9:02 AM, Wednesday, November 27th]

I saw those comments in that other thread and decided not to respond there because IMHO they aren’t relevant to the question asked by the OP. Forum-participation is diminishing all over the internet, irrespective of topics. There are other infidelity-sites, and you can also see the decrease in participation there.

But reading those comments, I couldn’t help but wonder:
This site was created by a couple that went through infidelity. Do people really think Deeply Scared and Mangled Heart "pretended" to have reconciled from their d-day, through their infidelity trauma, through their work at deciding to try reconciliation, through their trickle-truth-period, through their working things out, through their decision to go public about their marriage issues via creating this site, to the years of their mutual work on this site, through their heroic battle through cancer, to the passing of the "once-a-cheater-always-a-cheater" wife, through the ongoing care and love the grieving "grow-a-pair and man-up" betrayed husband who still to this day dedicates this site to his deeply missed partner?

To me – coming to this site and insisting reconciliation is never possible – it’s like inviting yourself to a party and then taking a dump on your host’s dining-table.

From a purely logical point of view then if I can point out one couple that reconciled, then the statement that reconciliation is never possible is void. That’s why so many that insist R isn’t attainable then change their generalization of "it’s never possible" to "it’s seldom possible".
I can fully agree to that. Real reconciliation is seldom possible unless both parties are willing to do the work. That work goes way beyond not having sex with a third party...

I could mention other couples that have been through this site and reconciled. Just like I can mention plenty of individuals that decided to divorce and have moved on to survive infidelity. Heck... I could even point out members of both groups that I can (at least) pretend to have guided to their resolution – D or R.

True reconciliation is tough and IMHO requires a lifelong adjustment to marriages. It’s definitely not attainable or even a viable option in many cases, and it 100% requires commitment from both partners. It’s NEVER the only solution, or even should be recommended or suggested when there is active infidelity. However – at exactly the same place IMHO is the "you should divorce NOW"

Keep in mind that some of the most vocal about R not being possible have even publicly stated that their mission on this site is to prevent people from making the mistake of reconciling. I also find it slightly troubling that some of the more vocal are still in their marriage with their WS yet insist that reconciliation isn’t possible.

Staying objective , seeing and understanding the stories through the eyes of the poster is quite the deal.

Often our comments are colored by our own stories and that is ok when one wants to share stories and the poster is open to this. To show that we have things in common or different for example. To share your own feelings, thoughts around your own situation.

What is not ok is offering unsolicited, unrequested, gratuitous advice. It can be read as intrusive, viewed as manipulative and frankly just be downright annoying. It may even feel critical.

Answering the question (as I interpret it) in the thread title:

Good people can make terrible choices, have moments of horrible selfishness and be partially broken deep inside.

People who have done bad things can later look at them and be disgusted and ashamed of their choices, sincerely turning away from them with repentence.

That I too am someone who is flawed, incomplete, at times selfish and partially broken inside. My flaws may manifest differently but they are there nonetheless.

That said, R certainly isn't for everyone and some betrayals are just too much for most people to accept. You can believe the three things I wrote above and still choose D.

The most important thought for me is to not take my thoughts so seriously.

I am not my thoughts.

The power of "fuck it", so to speak.

If reconciliation means having the same marriage as before the betrayal, then I agree that reconciliation is not possible. But, and it’s a big but, I think that there is such a thing as redemption. It requires true remorse and a commitment to repair the damage, if necessary, for the rest of the betrayed person’s life. I don’t think there are many waywards who are willing or even capable of this sort of contrition, and by contrition, I refer to the Latin root of that word, to grind to pieces or crush by grief. So, that leaves the rest of us who compromise, knowing that the new marriage will never be the idyll we thought the first one was. That’s where I am. Hence my screen name. I have lowered my expectations. I am not exaggerating when I say that in quiet moments before Dday I used to think about how wonderful my wife was and experience ecstasy. The fall was so great that I cannot ever let myself be that vulnerable again. But, our life together is very good. We travel, we enjoy our kids and grands. We have substantial joint assets including pensions. We have been each other’s support during serious health travails. We are better together than apart. I would say that we are reconciled, but I still hold out hope that one day she will own what she did and be truly contrite. Your mileage may vary.

Depends on what you mean by "move on". When a WS says "you need to move on". It's an attempt at rugsweeping. The only way to be disengaged with the affair is to explore all the questions you have about it to your satisfaction such that you simply don't feel the urge to return to it. You don't have to ever pretend like it didn't happen. It's part of your story now.

Our M is nothing like the pre Dday M. We have both changed in a positive way, and frankly I would not want to go back to that Tanner or that M. I was so hurt and numb that I cleared the decks in my life. I changed everything in a positive way, but it was painful change, I gained my self esteem, I eat different / better, I made painful business decisions that paid off for us.

I like where we are but I will never live in a M I am afraid to communicate in, afraid to confront, or afraid to leave.

When you say you no longer feel like you’re in a committed marriage … I’ve had this similar feeling/thought myself over the past several months. Honestly, I’m not even sure if I know what it means. Obviously, I’ve remained committed in a monogamous way, but feel very foggy about the rest of the "commitment" towards my WH and our M. I’m hopeful, continued clarity will come.

Speaking of R, I don’t believe "R" to be a one size fits all approach. Each of our "standards" of what "True" R looks like will vary depending on our own, personal definition. My outlook of R and the parameters I deem it successful, might be very different from Susan’s standards of R. I very much believe R is attainable and I think for certain relationships they really can be "better" than before. I have seen success stories here and elsewhere, so I know it is possible. I’m hopeful that my M can also be apart of this statistic one day, but I’m also realistic and accepting of the fact that the majority don’t go on riding unicorns over rainbows.

There have been so many thoughts I’ve had to accept to move on. I think my biggest "acceptance" is that the "story" of my M has a chapter devoted to my WH infidelity. While I’ve accepted this is apart of our story, it doesn’t mean I like it and I’m trying my best to write this next chapter.

[This message edited by Heartbrokenwife23 at 4:38 PM, Thursday, November 28th]

** Member to Member **

I see M as enjoying life and resolving issues together. I see R as resolving issues together so that the couple can again enjoy life. M & R are the same.

Either both are possible or both are impossible, and I definitely believe a good M is possible.

These are my opinions. If you're outraged, so be it. If you don't get it, so be it. Let it simmer a while.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:18 PM, Friday, November 29th]

I don't even really like the term "move on." We never really do. From anything, not just this craptasm of adultery. Sure, we progress through life, but we don't really move on from say, our childhoods. It will always be a part of who we are, and it will always be something that happened to us.

Now we might use this phrase as shorthand for healing. But in that case, I prefer the word healing. We might use it as shorthand for developing new life skills to deal with problems and implement them to varying degrees of success, but in that case I prefer the term "leveling up." Honestly that phrase "moving on" feels like we're dismissing elements of complexity and value out of a desire to not confront or experience unpleasantness.

But hey, to answer the question, I embraced the idea that the old marriage was dead and we were building a new relationship. I leaned into the change that I'm a bit of an asshole now who is a lot more blunt and straightforward than I used to be. (My fWW thought about getting a part time job at the YMCA here recently and I told her I'm all right with it as long as she doesn't fuck any of her coworkers. She got a bit hurt and didn't even apply. *shrug*)

One of the biggest ideas that I accepted, the one that's probably one of the biggest departures from my previous self, is that sex just isn't the sacred, spiritual experience that I used to have. Now it's just kind of something fun to do, and it's not really special or particularly important. I don't like this change, not one bit. But I've accepted it.