SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My friend had long affair with my H. I didn't know it was happening during the time and was spilling my guts to this 'friend' with all the details of what was wrong between he and I. This 'friend' would go to fast food restaurants and eat "lots of food" with me to "bury our feelings" in a toxic sort of way. She did this with me over 2 years. I gained 75 lbs and she somehow got thin and fit!?

I later discover that after EVERY meal she had with me she would go throw it up. Her I tent was to make me so fat and unattractive to my husband that he for sure would choose her!

I feel like I have been violated and manipulated (almost like feeling of being raped) by both this trusted friend and my husband.

It is abuse on all levels, but I don't know the "label" for her manipulation to create her desired scenario. Husband did not know of her actions until I told him last night in MC. He was shocked, but we couldn't discuss it in length due to time.

I am stuck in this feeling of being manipulated on so many levels by both of them, that I don't know how to explain what it feels like to KNOW what she was doing and how she used all the info I gave her (I trusted her with my heart and all of our marriage problems) and used it all against me to create a scenario where he felt he wanted to divorce me and spend rest of his life with HER.

While he did end it with her eventually, I am not over the details of what they did, together, to belittle and change me PHYSICALLY.

she is just one of many of his affairs and we have yet gotten to the point in MC where we can discuss this because he still has to get through his massive level of shame in order to actually be able to talk about it.

My dilemma is, what is this called when someone manipulates you to this extreme? My anger towards her is massive on so many levels, and not just for the affair betrayal for the years she worked her way into my life, just so she could try to steal it.

This was over 20+ years ago and I just was told of the methods she used on me by another friend who witnessed her doing it. The betrayal is not just in husband and friends affair, but ALL the other friends who KNEW and didn't tell me so SO many years. I gained so much weight that I resorted to extreme weight loss surgery to alter my body and I am SO angry to know now why I got to that point of obesity. She purposefully sabatoged my efforts to get thin and healthy by binge eating with me saying we were "eating our feelings together". The anger and hatred and rage I feel are overwhelming.

Anyone experience such sabatoge and manipulation by an affair partner?

I want to get to the part in MC where we get to finially talk about how his choices have messed me up and THIS is a major topic. How do I stay sane until that day comes in therapy? I am just so MAD!

I am so sorry what an awful situation to have a friend do that. I think double betrayals are some of the worst of the worst of affairs.

Keep focusing on your health both mentally and physically. Why not just see your own counselor for now and put MC aside for a later date.

I gained weight post many D-Days too and am still working on my health. I’m divorced now but it is my top priority I’m not gonna let my xWS take that from me.

I wish the best for you and you deserve to be happy and healthy.

I am sure other people will be along to comment soon.

I can’t imagine what you are going through.

Sadly people in WH’s world actively bullied me and actually actively schemed and plotted against me. I would not have imagined the kinds of things people have done if I had not experienced it and spent some time on this forum.

I’m so sorry you went through this. My wayward spouse had his affair right after I lost a lot of weight and was looking and feeling great. During the one year we tried to reconcile, He basically did the same thing with me. He started ordering dessert all the time and, suggesting we had hamburgers and stuff instead of the healthier food that we typically ate. I packed on the pounds because that plus my anxiety and fear over divorce. Well, what else could I do?

But you can take control of your health now. Hopefully that person is no longer your friend. You need to treat yourself like your own best friend. I agree that IC is a good idea. It’s really helped me.

You can heal from this. You’re obviously very strong. Hang in there and become the best friend for yourself.

I am so sorry for you. I don’t know the exact term for the jerk who manipulated you, but there is a special place in hell waiting for her.

I had a so-called friend (I use the term friend loosely) who manipulated me for 4 years. From the moment I met her I knew she was very interested in my H. I told my H to watch himself w/ her. What went on was a 4 year EA (before they were called EA) and it was horrible. Now I will admit my H had a huge part in this, but I would invite this friend group of his over, entertain etc. and looking back, they all must have thought I was the biggest idiot.

It gets worse for me. My H refused for years to admit anything was going on. Complete denial. Saw me upset but lied, gaslit and stonewalled me.

Fast forward 15 years later. It’s now his midlife crisis affair and the current OW tells me he admitted to cheating on me w/ grad school girl. So now I know his EA is really a PA (which he refuses to admit to).

So I understand your feelings of betrayal and pain.

Your anger is a symptom of the pain and betrayal. You don’t know who to trust anymore.

I hope this helps you work through the pain. I decided that by focusing on myself I was winning. The only opinion that matters to me is my own. As an example if my H doesn’t like my shirt or hair color or the food I made for dinner, I do not care. Too darn bad!

I gave up trying to please everyone and as a result of his affairs, I learned to stop caring what he thinks (and others) and put myself first. I stopped being a doormat. I stopped putting him on a pedestal.

I hold my head up and learned a very good lesson.

I am responsible for my happiness. I can live in pain and misery or not let the haters and liars win and be happy. I chose to be happy. Not in a mean way but my marriage is not my priority.

Shift your ficus. Don’t let your inner voice dwell on the mean girl nonsense but instead focus on the happy girl you want to be.

Transfer your pain to him. Let the lying cheating person he was suffer from all your pain and as you move forward and heal, continue to make sure you get what you want and need from him.

After 20 years why is he still unwilling to talk details? I still feel like the focus is on him, and not on you, your pain and your healing. This "friend" is just....I don't even have the right adjective. I cannot imagine. I too had a "friend" who was a little too touchy with my husband, and I later found out that she sent him a FB private message that said "I miss you". His response was did I reply? It definitely makes you question EVERYONE and everything. But what this woman did to you is just abhorrent. The manipulation is next level evil.

I absolutely agree with the advice (and trust me, I'm trying to take this advice for myself too) to make yourself your priority. Make decisions for you, make plans for you, do activities for you, eat the food you WANT for yourself, your health, your happiness. What is past you cannot change, but, and again, this is something I am struggling with big time, you can change that voice in your head. Every time I hear a critical or doubting voice in my head, I tell it to STFU. It's an active process that isn't happening overnight, but some days are better than others.

I personally think there is no reason you have to wait for the next therapy session to delve into the things you need to know, and the things you need answers for from your husband.

There is such a special place in hell for the OS who double betrays. The OW in my situation was a "good" friend and was also mentoring me in a sport. She had loaned me equipment, given me a wetsuit to practice in, specialized clothing. I wore that while the A was going on. It is such a violation. I totally identify with the feeling like it was almost a rape. She made us food, listened to me vent about my marriage concerns while having the affair and reassuring me. I thought I was losing my mind, she was being so nice. I still kick myself that I didn't listen to my gut.

That makes her a horrible human being.

The best revenge is recovering and living such a beautiful and wonderful life.

That is one of the most insidious, treacherous, and malicious things I've ever encountered. She actually, physically poisoned you with calories and a psychological con job. Brutal. You have my sympathy, that sort of thing should never happen to anyone.