SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

He cheated on me physically in the beginning of our relationship. In the middle of our relationship he went to str!p clubs behind my back. Now he's been talking with random women online and has a porn addiction accompanying a favorite porn star. He has also admitted to checking out other women, even when with me. We've been together 20 years and have 2 kids. What am I supposed to do, I can't leave. Not because I have no where else to go, or that I'm too weak to walk away. I just can't leave. How do I get rid of the flashbacks, and move on (as long as he's still putting in effort to be better)?

Hello and welcome to SI, this is a safe place with a lot experience to help you. I would invite you to read the articles in the Healing Library on the main page and the topics pinned at the top of the Just Found Out forum.

There is not an easy answer to your question other than it takes time to process and heal from a betrayal. At this point we all want to choose a path and work towards it. I recommend you do not offer R right away, he has a lot of work to do to become a safe partner. This is a long journey that must be taken, rug sweeping will only come back to bite you. I would also recommend seeking individual counselling.

I’m so very sorry. That is a LOT of betrayal and dysfunction on his part over many years. How incredibly painful and overwhelming it must feel.

Gently, you CAN leave; you’re just not in a place that it feels possible right now, and that’s perfectly normal. Probably not healthy, but normal.

Focus on yourself. Read "Living and Loving after Betrayal." It is about finding healing, regardless of whether you stay with the person who betrayed you or not. I found it incredibly helpful and validating.

Hang in there, take care of yourself, and take it one day at a time. How old are your kids?

I also would ask why can't you leave? I read this as you think you cannot leave - that you don't want to or something like that (as opposed to being chained in the basement).

If you will not consider leaving as an option your options are limited to: (1) accepting that this is who your WS is and getting yourself to be okay with it (to the extent that is possible) or, (2) keep living in this miserable cycle and hoping your WS will change. That's really it. And, the only guaranteed way to get out of infidelity is to leave.

Unless your WS decides to change (meaning they have a moment of clarity where they look at themselves and think "what is wrong with me? I don't like doing this and being this person anymore and I need to figure out how to make real changes for me" or something like that) - and then actually does it you will be stuck right where you are (and you can't make your WS want to change - the desire and the doing must be theirs - doing it "for you" likely will not do anything long lasting). Generally speaking one of the few things you can actually do that may influence your WS towards wanting to change IS by leaving, or making it clear that leaving IS an option for you. But I don't mean this is some kind of manipulative tool and that you really have no intention of leaving - sometimes when a WS sees they are going to lose their spouse, that is the spark that lights the "I need to figure myself out" fire inside of the WS that starts them on their journey of looking within and wanting to change because this is not the life they want for themselves. For others they just let the BS walk away and take their path of destruction onto the next person they attach themselves to.

For a lot of us on here, myself included, my WS knowing that I would indeed leave him was part of the wake up call he had within himself. And in all honesty, it may have happened anyway for him, but NOT if I had stayed. By staying I was allowing him to not have any real consequences - and honestly I think consequences were really the only thing that made him want to change. Ultimately we divorced, he did (and is doing) a lot of work on himself, and we still date...infidelity free.

Foreclosing leaving as an option for yourself isn't really healthy - I know, as for a long time I did just that. Now, having some distance between that time and my life now there is almost nothing that could get me to return to it.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 7:05 PM, Saturday, October 26th]

I recognize and respect your boundaries and your choice to keep your decision making process to yourself. If you truly need to stay I suggest protecting your heart and instead lean into and appreciate your reasons for staying. In other words, appreciate what the marriage offers whether that be shared childcare, money, companionship, etc. You have your reasons. Marriages don’t have to be about love or "one and only". They are a human
Institutions brought about for legal reasons. Many cultures still use arranged marriages where love is irrelevant. If you stay, get what you need out of it, not what our society expects you to get. Just know that he is not a safe romantic partner and maybe for now or perhaps forever that’s not a need of yours. That’s okay.

If I correctly understand what you mean by 'lashbacks', my way of handling them was to slow them down and to really take them in and accept that either they happened or that I need to ask if they happened. But I had considered D and decided to R, and my W was doing her work.

What's going on with you? It looks like you rug-swept the previous events. If that's so, know that rug-sweeping tends to fail. Being betrayed is traumatic, and it keeps coming back unless you heal, and it's extremely difficult - and maybe impossible - to heal without addressing issues.

IOW, if you stay without R, I agree with OTOSOH's suggestion to know and appreciate what you're getting out of your M.

Gently, though, what will you do if your WS decides to leave? Are you prepared? He's off the rails of honesty and fidelity. He can go further off the rails and decide to go with one of his women.

Kids are 12 and 16, so it's not for the sake of the kids they are old enough to understand.

Btw, I have no idea what the acronyms stand for sorry

When I say I can't leave i mean my mind is blocking me. I'm not scared to be alone know I can make it on my own. He's not the kind of guy who wouldn't care for his kids either.

The unfaithfulness is eating at me and I want it to stop. He swears on everything he's done doing all the stuff that will hurt me. But it's like he got to live his live the way he wanted it and I'm rewarding him by staying. But I don't want to leave.

I am on solo threapy, tried couples but it didn't work.

My brain is visual and I can see him acting out the things he did.

Another part of the story if when he broke up with me and told me I needed to move on, I fooled around with an ex. But not having sex with him. I was trying to leave and separate my heart from his. It didn't work. I know I can afford to take care of myself and my kids.

Last night I went out, turned my location off and took money from the ATM, which is what he used to do. I dont know if my intended plan worked about letting him feel my pain. Btw I sat in Walmart parking lot.and didn't do anything.

The unfaithfulness is eating at me and I want it to stop. He swears on everything he's done doing all the stuff that will hurt me. But it's like he got to live his live the way he wanted it and I'm rewarding him by staying. But I don't want to leave.

If you don't want to leave, despite all the things he is doing and continuing to do, and are basically just hoping that he will change (while he genuinely may have stopped, w/out him addressing the underlying issues the chances are very good it will happen again at some point) and posting on here also hoping someone here has the miracle cure for infidelity, you may as well just resign yourself to your options I posted above - which involve you either accepting and being okay with your WP's actions, or accepting that you are going to stay even though you are not going to be okay with your WP's actions and basically live in some form of the same misery you are now - forever. But, if you (like most people) think that there will never be a point where you will be 100% okay with what your WP is doing, but feel like you cannot leave, there is one other thing you can do:

Get yourself some therapy to figure out why you feel you can't leave WITH THE GOAL that you want to be able to leave at some point (not because you will, but because you want to have that option). In the beginning I too struggled with leaving - I had so much invested in my WH and I so wanted to have the relationship I thought we were going to have. Therapy helped with building back my self-esteem and my sense of self-worth (which trust me takes a bigger hit from infidelity than you can ever imagine - at least for me I have only been able to really see that in myself with the perspective of time having passed and things having changed a lot). You need that rebuild so when you say you are staying there is some ascertainable basis for doing so - something other than "I can't leave because my brain won't let me."

There is no magic pill. All those websites out there that "guarantee" they can stop your WP from cheating are scams. There is no guarantee. And there is no one on this site who is going to tell you they have some secret that will stop your WP from cheating anymore. There is no big mythical secret that is being withheld from you. The only actions you can take to get out of infidelity that are guaranteed to work are yours and yours alone because you simply cannot control what someone else will or will not do.

You can get out of infidelity by leaving. Period. And you cannot make or sweet-talk or beg/borrow/steal your way into an infidelity-free relationship with someone who is not safe, and who is not committed to making themself safe.

I fear if you choose to do nothing, you will find yourself feeling like you do day after day after day, year after year. Only you can take steps to get you out of infidelity at this point - so figuring out why you can't do that should be your first one. Focusing on your WS is only clouding the issue - the real issue is YOU taking control of what you can. (And I'm not saying all this is a terminal end to your relationship - in my case I left and it was not - I'm saying this because you have to do something different in order for things to actually be different.) The first steps are the hardest...but I think you've got to do it for you!

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 6:49 PM, Monday, October 28th]

There was a time I thought I couldn't leave either. My fear was paralyzing. I started seeing a new IC to help me get strong enough to leave my M and I did. I haven't regret my decision one day.

I too would not offer R and would give myself a timeline when would be good to leave if he is not putting in the effort to work on himself.

I wasted a lot of years in limbo. My xWS took 1/4 of my life and I deeply regret it. I also regret modeling a crappy M to my kids. My kids were 16 & 13 when i finally left.

My therapist told me that leaving now would most likely end up with me back in the mental facility again. Because I'm the kind of person who likes to be thorough with everything that I do. That if I don't do everything I can to save what we have then I will always feel like part of me is missing. This really is the final thing that I can possibly try.

I know there is no cure all for this, nor am i expecting that someone here has a secret answer that will fix all my problems, I'm just looking for people who I can relate to. Maybe hear what they did to fix or, not fix what they went through. I hope I'm not coming off as looking for an easy answer.

My husband has a porn addiction. His home life growing up was filled with sex and drugs and violence. His mom was a dancer, his father has been in jail his whole life, and his father figure was no better. His mom dated his friends and basically used him as protection and a shield and only calls him when she needs situations handled. He does not respond to those calls anymore.

I'm not saying that's an excuse, I do know it sounds like that, but you can't blame your childhood on everything forever.

I admit that I'm not the best wife either. I just lost almost 100 pounds and I look disgusting. Ever since our 1st kid I have been. I don't like to cook or clean, and I ask him to change a lot, even from the beginning. I told him I didn't want to be with him unless he quit smoking weed. (We were 16 when we got together and I was in the d.a.r.e. program) I have a control problem that I'm working on. I do belive that faithfulness should be the bear minimum for any relationship, and asking for it shouldn't be considered controlling, at least I hope it isn't.

The flashbacks will stay forever i get that, but if they didn't hit so hard like as if they just happened, it might help.

So instead of focusing on the rugsweeping, I am going to say something in a different direction, because I feel like you need to hear it.

You are a miracle. You are devinely loved and uniquely made. We are more than our bodies and our looks.

I know first hand what a man’s porn addiction can do to your self esteem. But his opinion of you is not the end all be all on your worth. Neither is how clean your house is. My goodness we all have struggles with that especially during the child raring years.

My suggestion is to focus on seeing your own value. Okay, you lost 100 pounds and there are now things about it that you are not happy aesthetically. But you accomplished something most people can’t. I have a hard enough time trying to lose 5,10,15 pounds. You made your health a priority and you are healthier and probably have more energy.

Take time for yourself to do things you enjoy. Make goals for yourself of things you can accomplish and celebrate them. Between how your husband is and likely issues you have had with your self all your life, you are letting external things that’s are arbritrary make you believ you have nothing to offer him or to others. It’s just not true.

I think you have a lot of shame, and some of it doesn’t belong to you. It should belong to him. Rising strong by brene brown strayed that seed of me understanding that for myself.

Truth is look around- men cheat on beautiful actresses, supermodels, accomplished dignitaries. Cheating is only a statement about the person who commits that crime. Most men do look at other women to a certain extent, even when they have serious arm candy in their significant other.

Focus on what you like about yourself. And then add things to your life that you can like even more things about. Think about the little girl you once were and be the person who nurtures her and protects her. Your husband would likely have these issues no matter who he is married to. Focus on you, what you need and want and worry about making yourself proud.

My therapist told me that leaving now would most likely end up with me back in the mental facility again.

I hope your therapist is working on getting you to a place that your only options are not going to a mental facility or staying with someone who is emotionally abusing you. I find it difficult to believe that a therapist invested in your mental betterment would advise you to stay in an abusive relationship. I am not bashing your therapist but instead I would also argue that your therapist (like many) may not grasp the extent infidelity damages a person's mental health.

For example, I would doubt that if your WP was physically beating you daily that your therapist would advise you to stay with him to avoid a mental health facility because you are the type of person who needs to give a relationship your all before giving it up. And, if you have mental health issues, to the point that has required institutionalization, I cannot see advising you to stay with someone who has addiction problems and is emotionally abusing you would be in your best interest.

I did not have any serious mental health issues, and when dealing with my close relative (who lived with me for 8 years) addiction issues, I had a VERY hard time - daily. My life was filled with stress and anxiety not the same, but similar to, dealing with infidelity. It is very mentally taxing, and the longer it goes on, the worse it becomes. Again, I cannot imagine a therapist advising someone who has mental health issues of their own to stay in an abusive situation AND try to help someone with an addiction.

I'm sorry you are here - and I hope you can seek a second opinion if indeed that is the advice you are being given.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 7:24 PM, Tuesday, October 29th]

My therapist told me that leaving now would most likely end up with me back in the mental facility again.

I had to come back to this statement too. Your therapist should be working with you to get you strong enough that leaving will not make you feel like ending up in a mental facility. Honestly one of the main reasons I left was because I felt like I would end up in the mental facility again if I stayed ( I have been in the mental hospital 2 times because of my xWS).

Have you thought of detaching from your WS and focusing solely on YOU and your mental health? It may make you see your situation differently that you do not need to stay in an abusive situation or one that is not good for your mental health.