SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife of 6 years (together for 15) asked me for a divorce two weeks ago, out of the blue a true gut shot.
I was beside myself for the following days trying to get her to reason with me and work it out.

I had that feeling in my stomach that something was going on and she denied it for a week before I could finally draw the answer out of her, a colleague at work she confessed to having a crush on after telling me not to worry about him, well the day after she asked for a divorce she met up with him and ‘kissed him’ she has turned our lives upside down, she said that she’s fancied him for the last 4 months while being out of love with me for the last 6. She didn’t once sit me down and explain her feelings while I poured my heart and soul into her to fix our relationship. It hasn’t been easy at all with the pressures of daily life getting us both down but she physically and emotionally turned cold, I missed all the signs of how she was feeling and let another man pick her up when she was feeling down.

I can completely see why she wants a divorce and now that I see how she feels i would have been fully committed to working on myself in the marriage, but the way she has acted over the last couple of weeks is horrendous, I feel like 1% of my former self and now have to look forward to navigating life on my own instead of the woman I adore.

I suppose I just wanted to get that off of my chest.

I missed all the signs of how she was feeling and let another man pick her up when she was feeling down.

Stop blaming yourself. If she wasn’t happy with the marriage she had plenty of options for dealing with it. She chose to cheat. That’s 100% on her.

If you’re doing any version of the pick me dance stop immediately. It only rewards her with the attention of two men and validates her decision to turn away from you and the marriage.

Check out the healing library here. Pay particular attention to the simplified 180. Also read the pinned posts at the top of this forum.

If you haven’t done so check up on asshole prince charming and see if he has a wife or girlfriend. If so they deserve to know what’s going on.

She’s knocked me down so bad I don’t even feel like a man anymore, for the week after it happened she attacked my soul in so many ways it’s left me on the floor.

I’ve got a massive and I mean massive support network around me right now who all have rallied to validate me and pick me back up, it’s only been two weeks and I’m obviously still figuring this out but I can’t seem to stop my emotions going into overdrive.

One minute I’m crying my eyes out praying that we could somehow work this out, the next I’m filled with optimism for the future, the next I’m angry at her for not being upfront and honest with me. You know a few months before she called on the divorce she said I’m many things but I’m not a cheat! Waiting less than 24hrs after telling me is her justifying her actions which is so not fair.

I suppose I’m going to have to ride these waves over the coming months and hope that the intense feelings for her subside, I’ll be the best dad I can be for my daughter and try to put my life back together.

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you're joining the best club nobody wants to join. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. Also, there are some with bull's eye icons that are helpful. The Healing Library at the top of the site is loaded with resources, and it's where the list of acronyms we use lives.

If the AP (affair partner) has a partner, please inform them. They need to be able to make informed decisions knowing the truth.

If you're having trouble with sleep or depression, please see your doctor for some meds. They can help you through this first painful part.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful.

Thank you for the heads up, I will be seeking some counselling for myself when I get back to work.

I will tell the POS’s partner that he has cheated with my wife the poor girl posted a photo the other day about how he’s the best thing since sliced bread.

I phoned my wife this evening to speak to my daughter and we are being amicable for her sake. We are meeting on Sunday to discuss the splitting of our finances as we would both like to not be tied together for daily spending etc.

Made it till 4pm without crying today and managed to hold down 2 meals which is a small win.

I will tell the POS’s partner that he has cheated with my wife the poor girl posted a photo the other day about how he’s the best thing since sliced bread.

This is good advice, but whatever you do, do not tell you WW you are doing it. Inform his partner without warning, otherwise you'll give your wife and the other man a chance to create a cover story about a crazed man, you, who is unhinged and making up lies.

There's also a possibility that once the affair is out in the open, he'll kick your wife to the curb. It happens quite often. Your WW will likely be furious, but that's none of your concern as she, broken person that she is, chose to treat you and her family as an afterthought.

I'm sorry you're here. It will take a while for you to realize, but you had nothing to do with your wife's heinous choices. You have come to the right place for support and advice. This place allowed me to see my own WW as the sole person responsible for her choice to cheat. Right now it doesn't feel like it or seem possible, but you will heal and discover strength you never knew you had.

Yes I will bide my time and wait until they think they have got away with it then tell her, I want to tell her now but until funds have been sorted out I will remain quite.

What I really don’t get is how horrible she’s been about it, like I caught her out and now I’m the bad guy for it. She’s said things like she liked it and she’s looking forward to seeing where it goes with him while I’m stood there heartbroken. I suppose it makes it easier to leave her cheating lying ass. But why would you do that to a person who is clearly in pain. Maybe some people are just better than others.

Either way my prospects are looking better than hers for sure. She has maybe 3 friends who she’s not close with and a sister. I’ve got many amazing friends and family who have already reached out and offered help and support in any way that I need it.

IM GOING TO BE ALRIGHT!

Very sorry you find yourself here but you will receive good support. Great to read that you have solid support around you. Do get into IC when you can. You have had a trauma dropped on you and you will be on an emotional rollercoaster. Do read in the healing library and other posts. Lots of good information here.

Your WW’s behavior that you describe is extremely painful for you, but she is following a pattern of a common cheater. Nothing special. Something’s to keep in mind: you are not a perfect spouse. No one is. Neither is your WW a perfect partner. The whole point of your wedding vows is that you can expect that your WW would remain faithful regardless of the status of your M whether it is happy, sad, ignored or loved, connected or disconnected. Nothing you did or didn’t do in your M caused your WW to cheat. She cheated because she is broken. Your M didn’t fail, your WW failed you and your child. I understand that by blaming yourself it gives you the feeling that you can control the outcome by becoming a better H. Wrong. You can’t control her. You cant make her want to be in the M. Do not try and make sense of her behavior. It is common for cheaters to rationalize their cheating by rewriting the marital history and blaming you. It’s bullshit but a common occurrence. From the behavior you describe your WW is very selfish and immature. She doesn’t care that she is breaking up two families and relationships.

Most importantly, take care of you and your child. Eat healthy, get exercise and sleep and stay from alcohol and drugs. Always remember that you are the prize. You deserve a faithful and loving partner. Always value yourself. She can not tear you down if you don’t let her. Limit your communications and keep track of any time she ignores her child. Do not engage with her or argue, or plead or beg. That just gives her the ego boost of being pursued by two men. Keep communications on point and in pursuit of your D. I would see an attorney to ensure my rights are protected. Let her go.

Yes, you will get through this. I suspect that your WW’s immature crush on her AP will not end well for her once you expose to his partner. And a few years down the road she will develop a new crush on someone new. Unless she does some serious work on her own brokenness and lack of integrity she is destined to repeat her behavior. Good luck.

See a dr for temporary meds for anxiety.
See an attorney to protect yourself.
Find something physical to do outside.(you need fresh air and sunshine)
Eat healthy. If your appetite is down use a product like Ensure.
Do not use alcohol
Get as much sleep as possible.

Your wife is telling you lies. Stop believing her. You are telling yourself lies. Stop it.

She is cheating because she wants to. You did nothing to cause it.

I think some temporary medication wouldnt be a bad idea, the mornings are the worst when you wake up feeling all panicked and like the world has ended, I can control myself when I’m feeling sad it’s just when the anxiety hits I turn into a mess.

I’ll read some posts in the healing section to try and see how other people have managed to cope in the early stages.

And your right she has re wrote the history of our marriage, painting me out to be some monster to justify herself!

I’ll read some posts in the healing section to try and see how other people have managed to cope in the early stages.

I'm nearly 5 years out of my own betrayal nightmare and while I don't have anything to add to what's already been said, I can tell you from my own experience that what helped me in the beginning was not only the sound advice offered by other forum members, but also the mere awareness that there were other folks who'd gone through the same hell and survived. They were thousands of miles away and, while I'd probably never see their faces or talk to them personally, they did exist and I wasn't alone in with my pain.

You're doing fine so far (considering) and in some time you'll realise you're stronger than you think. Be gentle to yourself and stay strong.

Friend, you are married to the evil shrew-Lady, a real wicked witch. I am here to tell you that there is a NAME for women like your WW!

Please do NOT blame yourself for your WW's emotional and physical transgressions. She took a vow to protect the marriage just as you did--the difference being you KEPT your vows and she did not. In particular, she needed to *tell you* that she was struggling and needed extra help--instead of seeking it out from POSOM.

You are doing the right thing in seeking help and support from your friends, and this includes medical attention.

I’m so sorry for you. I remember the arrogance and audacity my H had when he smugly informed me he wanted a D. It was almost like - BTW I’m done with you and found someone better. That was how it came across. Same for you.

I want you to know two things. One I’m sure you have already had some insight into - you’ve seen her snarky side that this new guy in her eyes is Mr Wonderful 😂🙄 and she’s "moving on".

Well when the fun stops snd he tosses her aside, she MAY come crawling back to you w/ her head in her hands and she’s "sorry". I warn you this may happen and I don’t want you to be caught off-guard.

The second thing (and I’m sure you have seen this) is she’s not the person you married. She’s no longer the person you knew - she’s now just a lying cheating spouse who is showing you how little she cares for your family by the way she behaves now.

I hope you start to feel a bit better each day.

Seriously consider seeing an attorney ASAP, before you make any financial agreements with her.

And find that POS's significant other quickly and tell her what's happening.

So sorry this happened to you, you have gotten good advice.

See an attorney ASAP

I missed all the signs of how she was feeling and let another man pick her up when she was feeling down.

I can completely see why she wants a divorce and now that I see how she feels i would have been fully committed to working on myself in the marriage

You need to knock that ☝️shit off right now.

The fact that your WW chose cheating as her go-to problem resolution tool for supposed preexisting marital dissatisfaction says A LOT about her character, problem solving skills, and her regard for self, you and others that could have doomed your marriage, and your mental health within your marriage, since Day-1.

You are not the reason she cheated. Cheating is the culmination of her brokenness that you have probably been struggling with throughout your relationship.

Well she finally admitted to sleeping with him on Saturday, I spent the first weeks thinking we could resolve our issues and that the marriage would somehow be okay. I’ve since realised that she is most certainly to blame for all of this, she wanted a divorce anyway and still doesn’t see it as cheating as she broke it off the day before. She must have thought that her and this man were going to start a future together only for him to run back to his partner.

I don’t know what’s worse. The fact she slept with another man, the lies she told to cover herself or the way that I’m left feeling like the ugliest man on earth with no personality or confidence.

I am still struggling with the thoughts of oh shit my life is over, and oh wow my life has just begun thank god i can do what i want.

I hate the fact that I still have to keep her in my life for the sake of my daughter, it would have been so much easier to walk away and never talk to her again.

Sorry you are still receiving trickle truth! Let me get this straight: your WW with a devoted H and family, allows herself to get a crush on a coworker and pursue him to have sex, all the while lying to her BH and betraying her family. Who is ugly here? You have nothing to feel ugly about. Your WW is demonstrating by her behavior that she is incapable of acting with integrity and honor. Her behavior is supremely selfish. Take pride in being a faithful partner. Her cheating has nothing to do with your physical appearance. You are the prize. You will find someone better if you so choose.

So sorry, BS1400. I think it's a combination of them sleeping with somebody else and the lies.

The self-esteem does take a hit, but that's something that you can work on. Look at all the gorgeous Hollywood actors & actresses that have been cheated on. It wasn't about your looks or lack of looks. She'd have cheated anyway. One thing that helped me was doing some I AM affirmations in the morning. I found one on YouTube that was about 10 minutes and did it every day. Try out a few and find one that speaks to you.

Also, we have a member that will give the BASGU talk - that's for Badd-Ass Sparkly Goddess Unicorn. I don't know what the male equivalent would be, but the principle is the same. Go find some outfits that make you feel like you're the greatest. Then wear them. It might be an awesome pair of boots or a pair of sneakers you've wanted. Do something to make you feel better. After a while, your thinking about yourself will begin to change. It can take time, so don't stop.

Good luck.

Have you informed his wife yet? Don't let him get away with it. Has your WW moved out or u still live together? Focus on yourself and your daughter for now.