positivemind (original poster member #59608) posted at 6:38 PM on Monday, October 21st, 2024
It has been nearly 8 years and I just can’t get over it. I don’t think there is a day that goes by when I don’t think about what he did. Some days are easier than others and on the whole I live my life but it is always there. I think a lot of the problem is the lack of effort he put in to himself following the A. Lots of circumstances and factors became bigger than the A and I codependently put his needs before mine. Admittedly he did have a lot to deal with as his family turned against him and his sister died and it seemed to take over. I think because his family made it clear their dislike for me and their wish that we had split up after the A happened it made me more determined to make it work and put on a front that all was good in our relationship and I think he believed this too. He is completely avoidant and will do as little as possible when it comes to feelings and emotions. He is so deeply in his shame if I ever bring something up that triggers him he becomes mute. He offers nothing. He may say something if it is going to cause him stress for instance having to go explain why I don’t attend a gathering, he would rather I go and push my feelings down than he be honest and face the shame of my reasons.
I have told him how I feel, I have told him I feel like I put myself on the back burner to support him and his needs and now he has reconciled with his family my feelings are coming up thick and fast. I went back in to therapy to try and get over it but the anger and resentment that I have towards the lack of effort he is putting in is highlighted when I work on myself. He has said he will get some help but I just don’t know if it’s too late. I just don’t know what to do.
Dorothy123 ( member #53116) posted at 6:52 PM on Monday, October 21st, 2024
Positive, I just want to tell you that I understand you completely.
Sadly, I have no advice to give.
Sending safe hugs and healing thoughts/ vibes.
[This message edited by Dorothy123 at 6:52 PM, Monday, October 21st]
"I’ll get you my pretty, and your little dog too!" Wicked Witch of the West.
positivemind (original poster member #59608) posted at 6:58 PM on Monday, October 21st, 2024
Dorothy123
Thank you so much, having a place to bring this really helps ❤️
BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 7:59 PM on Monday, October 21st, 2024
I think because his family made it clear their dislike for me and their wish that we had split up after the A happened it made me more determined to make it work and put on a front that all was good in our relationship and I think he believed this too.
As someone who suffered from in-laws from Hell, I completely understand this mindset. You don't want to let his family "win."
But consider the fact that your in-laws might be right... not about you as a person, but you as a partner for their son.
Just as a gem doesn't belong in a trash heap, you don't belong with him and his family.
The sooner you get out-- and rid yourself of toxicity-- the sooner your actual healing will start.
[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 7:59 PM, Monday, October 21st]
BW, 40s
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried
I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.
positivemind (original poster member #59608) posted at 8:12 PM on Monday, October 21st, 2024
Thank you Bluerthanblue,
I have for many years wondered if the problems/hurdles/difficulties are in fact signs that I keep on ignoring.
I’m not sure what keeps me here, maybe the codependency of his feelings, maybe the hassle of splitting up, maybe the fear of being alone, I haven’t yet worked it out.
One thing I know for sure is that the pain of staying is getting very close to being bigger than the pain of leaving.
crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 9:42 PM on Monday, October 21st, 2024
One thing I know for sure is that the pain of staying is getting very close to being bigger than the pain of leaving.
That's exactly when I knew my M was over and left YEARS after final D-Day.
fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorced 8/8/24
WB1340 ( member #85086) posted at 1:16 PM on Tuesday, October 22nd, 2024
The pain of leaving will eventually fade and every day you will become a little less sad and a bit happier.
Is he actively trying to find a therapist or just telling you he will get into therapy to placate you all the while knowing he has no intention of going?
8 years and no resolution is very telling and from what you have said he hasn't done his part to help reconcile. Maybe it's time for you to take steps to find your happiness without him.
D-day April 4th 2024. WW was sexting with a married male coworker. Started R a week later, still ongoing...
positivemind (original poster member #59608) posted at 4:00 PM on Tuesday, October 22nd, 2024
I’m not sure how to reply to individual peoples reply’s or how to put little quotes in boxes so please excuse me for that.
Thank you crazyblindsided and WB1340 your responses are very helpful.
I saw something last night on a show I was watching and they said "if you are hoping and holding on to what he may become then you are wasting your time, hold on to what he is now" that hid hard as I am holding on to him finding a therapist/life coach, holding on to him doing the work, holding on to him reading a book or listening to a podcast, holding on to him being different to who he has shown me he is.
I feel like I am in such a difficult place as I feel so alone in my feelings but unable to take a step to making it different. I refrain from conversations with him, not through fear but frustration as he will offer me nothing.
This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 7:08 PM on Tuesday, October 22nd, 2024
8 years of rugsweeping and white knuckling. That sounds awful.
Obviously it would have been better to address the A and do the work more directly in the aftermath. Soon you'll let go of the outcome (you are almost there) and only then will he (maybe) do the work.
Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.
positivemind (original poster member #59608) posted at 8:33 PM on Tuesday, October 22nd, 2024
Unfortunately I found out from an anonymous source (still remains anonymous) about the A 23 hours before our wedding!!!! We were at our wedding venue together preparing for the next day!!! The OW was his sisters best friend and his sister was dying of cancer and told me to my face that she would rather have her friend in her life than me. All his family, literally every single member, took his sisters side and cut us out. His family are very insular and do everything together so this was a massive loss for him. So what happened very quickly became about him and his loss and how terrible his family were behaving as they continued to be spiteful and vile and accused me of being a controlling bitch forcing him to choose me. His sister died 2 years later so then it became about his grief. Last year we reconciled with his family and I thought I was ok with it but some family members still have the OW as a social media friend which I am struggling with. My H has fallen straight back in to his family where he left off which again shows me his lack of growth and makes me feel that all the years he was away and telling me how he would never behave how he used to around his family was all talk to keep himself safe. I wish I had the courage to make a decision either way, leave or move on, but I just seem to be stuck in it and it’s so hard.
