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I’m struggling lately with how much to keep talking about the infidelity. We’re coming up to 8 months after DDay, he’s started putting in the work and I’m acknowledging that (cautiously), but I am noticing that now that things are settled a little and ‘okay’ I’m finding it harder to bring up when I’m sad or triggered.

I posted last week about so many triggers while we were out that I intended to talk to him about it the next day, but after I had pulled myself together we had a good night and then the next day it seemed pointless almost? Like we had a good night, why ruin it now? But then I’m torn because there were a couple things on my mind and I felt he hadn’t been empathic/understanding enough about one thing in particular so I should talk to him about that right?

It feels tiring to ruin the calmness that’s been long missed by bringing it all up again.
Do you tell your WS every time you face a trigger or are upset over something or just having a bad day with it all?

I was thinking of suggesting like an allocated time once a week where we talk about it because I feel like we should still be talking about it. He does talk about it any time I want to and calmly, but I know it sends him on a shame spiral and I feel like there might be only so much of that a person can take. I know this is all his fault, but is it productive to keep talking about it so much?

One thing in particular that’s getting to me is that we are still being intimate and I am usually fine with that during (and if I’m not okay during then I say and we stop) but immediately afterwards, I just get really sad? Even if I initiate it. I don’t know what the solution to that is.

I guess I’m stuck on how much work I need to do by myself and how much of it should be done together maybe. Like the fact that I’ve become obsessed again with checking AP’s instagram and comparing myself to her (i know I shouldn’t but it’s become a habit again), and obviously that’s very triggering. But I’m doing that to myself, there’s nothing he can do there right?

I asked him to stop talking to me about his job while he’s still in this band and he agreed but looked really upset about it. Even though he’s looking for other work and leaving soon, I find I’m more triggered by it than ever. Possibly because until he actually leaves, I’m not 100% certain he’ll follow through. But it’s a tribute band to a very famous band and I can’t even hear that bands name without spiralling which is not ideal obviously.

I don’t know how to manage all the triggers that seem to be coming at me lately, or how much of dealing with it is on him, and how much of it is on me.

We talked about the 2010 A this morning, 14 years later. IOW, I think successful R allows ALL topics of conversation, and I think a remorseful WS will talk about the A whenever the BS wants to talk about it.

I also think successful R requires a lot of issue resolution. You're sad after sex. That strikes me as a problem, and I think you can solve it if you bring it up. The triggers are painful. Sharing them may get you some good support.

8 months is nothing in the context of one's life. If you're average, you've got decades of life ahead of you. 8 months isn't much in the context of recovery or R either - think 2-5 years for recovery, maybe longer for R.

My reco is to bring up issues. Limiting dealing with the A to specific times works for some people, and it might work for you. It didn't for me, which means it didn't for my W, either. Anything that helps you bring up issues in a way that invites resolution is good, IMO.

A couple of things:

- every time you recognize an issue and make a conscious choice about how to deal with it is positive for R. Every time you dodge an issue is negative for R.

- every time you bring up an issue, and your WS works with you to resolve the issue is positive for R. Every time your WS dodges is negative for R.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:59 PM, Monday, October 21st]

My position is that if there is something on your mind then say it regardless if it makes him/her feel ashamed. He/she should feel bad for cheating.

I have told my wife that my words are hurtful but I don't say them just to hurt her. When I feel like saying (again) that your months of lying by letting me falsely believe all was good between us is the hardest part of the affair, I say it. When I feel like saying I just cannot understand how you could lie to my face three times when I confronted you, I say it.

She sits and listens. She doesn't try to minimize or protest or deflect (any longer). She doesn't have to listen. She could walk away. I don't know how long I will feel the need to express these types of feelings but her actions caused this so the consequence is she gets to feel shame and guilt when I vent.

The day may come when she decides enough is enough. So be it. If she decides to leave, okay, she always has/had that option.

I say vent every time. Repressing things is not hea

There is a difference in sharing triggers and discussing it vs weaponizing it. Early on everything reminded me of it and I would trigger. I blamed every hurdle in life on infidelity, car breaks down, it’s because she cheated.

As time goes on, 2nd year, it will be more rational conversations about it. 8 months is still raw, you will find yourself enjoying a moment with him and suddenly think "how tf could you do this?".

Saturday morning I am in the driveway washing my truck. 2022 Ford F250 crew cab long bed 4wd. I need a ladder to wash the roof :) It took me 30 years to finally be in a solid financial position where I could spend that much money on a truck. Up till then we had other financial priorities (house kids saving for retirement etc)

The music I was listening to didn't have any lyrics and I was feeling good just focusing on washing my truck. Out of nowhere I start thinking about the sexting my wife had done with her coworker and my good mood instantly vanished. I have no idea why the thought entered my head.

I have learned that the emotions will come and they will go and I just have to ride it out so I just kept the washing the truck and eventually something else distracted me. Later on the wife and I were talking and I told her about it. I said you have no idea how many times a day different things and sometimes nothing will remind me

We were driving somewhere Saturday listening to a comedy channel on the radio and the comedian starts talking about affairs

Now that I have gotten over that fear of believing that if I brought too many problems to my wife she would just up and leave I tell her when something is on my mind. I know it makes her uncomfortable and I know she doesn't like listening but we need to be able to openly communicate and she put us in this situation by her own actions so I share almost every time the affair is on my mind and what I'm feeling.

The spouse always has the option of not listening but he/she will have to bear the consequences of not doing so.

Thank you for the replies. It’s interesting to see how others deal with the same issues.

My avoidance in bringing up the infidelity is not just because I don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable or upset or anything. At the minute, it’s mostly that I don’t feel I have the energy for it. I’m tired of it, tired of thinking about it and tired of talking about it. I’ve realised that maybe I’m trying to rug sweep a little, because honestly, I just can’t be bothered anymore. I don’t feel like I have it in me to have those conversations anymore.

He doesn’t react badly to them. He listens, calmly, answers any questions, offers reassurance and all that. He never gets angry or anything bad. He looks sad when we talk about it, and he doesn’t like talking about it, but he will.

I just don’t want to and I’m trying to figure out what that means for the long term, or if it’s maybe just another one of the phases I have to go through with this and I’ll get over it in a little while.

I don’t have any answers, I’m afraid, but I just wanted to say that my timeline is very similar to yours, and I posted a very similar question recently. It is probably natural at this stage if WSs are doing what they can but the immediate crisis has subsided.
I think I worry that if I don’t raise it, WH won’t know that it is still a massive, daily hurt. Whilst I am glad things are more balanced, I don’t want the calm to be an endorsement of his damaging actions. Also, this is very daft, but I sometimes hope that by raising things, he will somehow be able to say the one thing that will make me feel secure again, and of course, that is not possible. That is why I don’t raise everything but try to work out what I need from raising a trigger or question.
I have tried writing things down on my phone and waiting a bit to raise things unless I am super upset. I then give it a bit of time and raise any things which I feel haven’t gone away by writing them out. I have felt this has helped me and WH has been good about listening when I have raised things.
I also sometimes just ask for some reassurance, which lets my WH know that I am hurting but without dredging everything up.
Hope you find what is right for you. I still wish a magic wand was possible…

Panopticon - you summed up how I feel so well.

I like the idea of writing things down and honestly I’ve never even thought to ask for reassurance, which I’m now thinking seems so obvious! I tell him when I’m having a ‘bad day’ and it took us a while to work out the best way for him to help on those days. At first I told him to leave me alone and I think he was a bit fearful of saying/doing something to upset me so he did, which would then lead to days of us not talking sometimes, which obviously made me feel worse!
Now we’ve agreed that he should just talk to me as normal, ask me about my day, etc. that seems to help more.

It’s hard trying to figure out how to deal with all the different parts of this. There seem to be so many and it feels relentless.

A basic reassurance that works quite well for me is that WH tends to restate our ‘new’ (maybe new for him!) shared boundaries and says something about the progress we have made/ he is committed to making. This is simple and quite repetitive, but I have found that just hearing the same thing lends some consistency in the right direction. It also gives him something clear to say.
Obviously, it has to sound heartfelt!