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So I have voice recorded my husband again. The drama continues. I saw a work email to his ap where he asked her to call him, he doesn’t know it is linked to our main computer and so I left my work phone at home.

In the conversation, it is work related but then a big chat about how he really wanted to text her last night. That he is glad he didn’t as it is nice at the time and he feels good but it doesn’t help anything (so this means when he was monitoring my phone and giving me stuck about texting my friends he was texting her. He then goes on about how he wants to tell her something but knows he can’t. It seems that he wants to be with her but has ended it.

I am so mad, I called my mum and she told me to calm down. I have. Do I confront? Do I let this slide? I am flying home next week and I wonder if he will cave. Maybe she has met someone else. Should I get a detective on him. It is nearly 19 months post the original dday and he is cross with me all the time for not showing affection.

Gently: Are you prepared to take action to get out of infidelity? Your previous posts don't indicate that you are. If not, confronting doesn't make a bit of difference.

Breech of no contact is an immense boundary violation. This is nothing to "calm down" about.

I think my mum was worrie ld we would have an argument in front of the children which is what happened before. He came home knew something was wrong, started to go on about how I don’t show him any love. I guess it has been hard for him because I am not and she is too tempting.

But I am mad, really mad. Mad enough to leave. All those times he was angry with me for telling people. He even said to me how would you feel if he was texting her and he was. Maybe not always but it seems they are star crossed lovers.

Should I confront him. Or wait until I fly home next week? Safe distance

Are you concerned for your physical safety?

No I am not. I don’t want to have a big blow out in front of the children as it has damaged them so much. My mum suggested waiting until we are away from the house.

Working with AP will torpedo R almost every time. Everyone thinks they are the exception. "Not Just Friends" suggest it is possible to maintain work related only contact in special circumstances where changing jobs is not economically feasible.

Changing jobs is almost always economically feasible with rare exceptions. But we think being out of income for a few months or a 10% loss of incomes isn't feasible. It definitely is. Not economically feasible is not about tightening your belt. Hell even being forced to downsize houses and move might be under the bucket of economically feasible.

You are going to have to deal with the affair as an open wound as long as he works with AP.

Do I confront? Do I let this slide? I am flying home next week and I wonder if he will cave. Maybe she has met someone else. Should I get a detective on him.

You’re wondering if he will cave so that…

You’re considering a detective to catch him doing something that might compel you to…

You’re wondering if you should confront him to discuss…

You’re wondering if you should let this slide because…

You’re hoping she will meet someone else so that…

You’re stuck between the status quo and an uncertain future. This is hard, it’s frightening. You have the known, a WS who isn’t showing signs of remorse, who isn’t giving you what you need, who isn’t making you feel safe, loved and secure, who doesn’t seem to want to change and, you have the unknown, an uncertain future if you were to divorce.

I would begin with baby steps, and then step up the pace progressively as your confidence grows, researching, planning, learning what life might look like if you were to move on. I would spend your efforts doing this rather than continuing to police and monitor your WS, to no end.

I would start with the tiniest of steps, at your comfort level, and go from there. Like a methodically planned prison break. A prisoner starts with a goal in mind and nothing much else, at first, but a finger nail file, a spoon stolen from the commissary, and determination.

You may find that, as you learn, as the plan begins to evolve, as your path becomes progressively clear, as the unknown becomes more known, as you begin to tunnel out of that prison, your confidence will grow, and so will hope.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 8:24 PM, Friday, October 18th]

Thank you, a part of me wants to play the recording to him and be like, you are such a hypocrite. He is not actively seeing her but he obviously from that recording has not ended when he said he did and he has been texting her at times. It isn’t clear if she has any feelings for him as I couldn’t hear her voice or if she has moved on. I noticed he was really protective of his phone before I went home last time in the summer then seemed to not care for the past two months so I thought has ended it. He is using her as a crutch.

I am so mad! But I am pretending everything is fine. He knows that if he got with her physically again I would end it as I threatened divorce last time.

I think I am afraid of being on my own of rocking the boat

What if you just left without saying anything to him?

I’m sorry this is ongoing. He is continuing to cheat on you. He is not a safe partner and you are still in infidelity. Time to execute an exit strategy.

So I am thinking of asking someone to watch the kids, go out somewhere neutral and tell him I heard the whole conversation and I want a divorce. He doesn’t seem happy with me. I wonder when he wasn’t being possessive of his phone the past two months and he was so depressed if he was just missing her. Like she is his addiction but even if he hasn’t physically met her it is still cheating right? To be texting her and talking to her like that.

What do you think of my plan or better to see an email when I am home and abroad. I can’t just leave straight away (due to the nature of my work I am legally obliged to give 3 months) plus I am going to give him the option of allowing me to move home and I will take less settlement.

So I lost it, he kept asking me what is wrong and why I off with him. I asked him oh it is because I know you were in that office, and I was triggered. He was then like it is not just that, so I asked him do you ever speak to her or call her, he said no.

I lost it then, told him I wanted a divorce. He tried to minimise it and say I was overreacting etc and that he understood I was triggered. He is now offered to move out. I feel numb and scared

IDK ... he's broken NC, and in doing that, he's broken yet another commitment to you. A D is not unreasonable.

Asking for a D is Unreasonable, though, IMO. You're able to engage an attorney and file without anyone's permission.

Are you ready to do that? If not, what's holding you back?

IOW, the ball is in your court, and it's up to you to take action. As always.

If you're not ready to act, accept that - but get help for figuring out what you want and what you will do.

I know this is all beyond difficult. I also know that you can get through this. You're stronger than you think.

He is dismissingh all of it. At the end of the conversation he says to her, there is something I want to tell you but I know I shouldn’t, I know you know (so I am guessing he means he wants to tell her he loves her) and yet I am making a big deal out of nothing because he hasn’t apparently been alone with her for a year. I am so mad

He's been physically abusive to you, and the kids, so I don't understand why you think you're not in danger.

I'm going to hold your hand when I say this. Please listen.

a big chat about how he really wanted to text her last night. That he is glad he didn’t as it is nice at the time and he feels good but it doesn’t help anything

He's fishing. He's flirting. He's letting her know she still matters to him. He's telling her he misses her.

he was monitoring my phone and giving me stuck about texting my friends he was texting her.

This is classic cheater behavior. He's guilty of exactly what he's accused you of.

he wants to tell her something but knows he can’t. It seems that he wants to be with her but has ended it.

He wants to tell her he loves her. He wants to be with her. He's not ended it. He's talking to her. He's telling her she still matters to him. He's making her feel special.

he is cross with me all the time for not showing affection.

Classis cheater behavior. He's making you the bad guy,and setting up his excuses for the next dday.

It isn’t clear if she has any feelings for him as I couldn’t hear her voice

She listened. She hasn't blocked him. She cares. It doesn't matter. He's telling her he misses her.

You keep saying he ended it. The emotional affair,at the very least, is continuing.

He is dismissingh all of it

And this is all you will get from him. No change. No remorse. No accountability. There's nothing to work with here.

He is now offered to move out

Hold the door open for him. Slam it shut. Call an attorney. Stop making decisions based on fear. Fuck him. He treats you like property. He actually treats you like he hates you. Dear lady, YOU MATTER. Show your kids that this is unacceptable. Please get out of this toxic situation.

Nothing changes..until you change things.

Also..have you told your mom the entire truth..all of it? The abuse towards you and the kids? His anger at your lack of having sex with him? His anger all the time? All of it? Of not,please do.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:31 PM, Saturday, October 19th]

I’d be mad. I’d be mad because this isn’t how I’d behave if I was desperately trying to save my marriage with someone I truly loved.

You’re looking for compelling evidence that it’s over, something that will push you off that ledge. Something undeniably apparent that there’s no chance for R, that can’t be explained away. I was there once. I was right there. My gut told me it was over, but I needed something more, something compelling. I wished for her to give it to me. I watched for it, closely, very closely, but she just wouldn’t give me the evidence I needed. Only vague signs here and there, but nothing actionable, nothing truly compelling. It was maddening. I found myself wishing for her to break NC, and put me out of my misery, out of my fear based paralysis where I found myself "hugging a tree", like a lost child, the tree representative of my former marriage, my former life.

I’d gather the evidence you have to date, compile it, analyze it, and see if there’s an objective conclusion to be made there. Something compelling and actionable. Something like Hellfire just summarized. And then I’d take action. Life is just too short.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 9:13 PM, Saturday, October 19th]

I would simply tell him "it's clear she is still in your heart, and while that is true, and you still feel fondly about her in any way, there can be no rebuilding with me, and you need to move on"

Work with the lawyer to nail down the process for now. If someday he can work thru his feelings in therapy and prove he's fixed what is broken in him, you can decide if you want to try again.

It would start with him finding a new job and getting her completely out of your lives. He needs to make that move and you cannot force him to.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 11:04 PM, Sunday, October 20th]

He is doing damage control now. It is not that bad. I don’t want to get divorced you do. I was stressed at work, she is my only friend you destroyed me to other people etc. So I was like what do you want me to do.? You are often unhappy with me for not showing you affection but at the same time have done a lot of damage to me. Why do you want to remain married to me?

He says he loves me. I think he is now thinking I am just going to get over it. He really believes it is nothing but I am questioning now when I went home precious’s he met her. He swears he hasn’t.

I mean it will be two years in feb since the first dday. How many more chances do I need to give?

How many more chances do I need to give?

I dunno. How much more pain and upset do you want?

An M after infidelity can only heal if the ws is willing to do a LOT of work. IME a large proportion of ws's just don't have what it takes to do that work. Let's face it, if they did they wouldn't be ws's in the first place.

For me, it was very painful to admit to myself that my xwh didn't have what it took. But it was also necessary for me to be real about that so I could move forward. In my case that meant getting divorced, but it got me unstuck and out of infidelity.

LP, only you know you well enough to decide how much more you have in you to give. But I will say from what I've read here that I am not sure your wh has it in him to do the work he'd need to do to be safe for you. And I'll also say that life is far too short and way too precious to spend it waiting on an incapable ws to 'get it'.