SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I posted 3 months ago in the JFO forum, telling my story of finding my husbands physical infidelities (PA). One with another couple (friends of ours) 11+ years ago. One of a FWB purely physical affair with a male friend (7 years ago).

3 months on and I’m still no clearer of what to do. I think my gut says go. He’s a bad bet. It’s too much. He has ruined all we had. My head says stay. Stay for the baby, the house, the shared history, the fact he appears to have been faithful for 7 years, has changed. I don’t know what my heart says but I don’t trust her anyway as she fell for all his lies.

The feelings of shock still haven’t dimmed, 4 months on I don’t believe this is my life.

I suppose what I’m asking is for experiences of where people are at 4 months on? Is there anything I can do to move forward or make a decision? Healing wise I’m in IC and reading, being mindful etc. some days are ok, but I never have "good days". They are always heavy and full of hurt, some days are just calmer.

I don't think you can force yourself to make a good choice. Gut overrules head, pretty much always.

Like you, I think, I think decisions come from head (logic), heart (desire?), and gut (intuition). The stay/go decisions, IMO, best comes from aligning all 3, but if the alignment doesn't happen, I'd go with gut.

Don't rush your decision. I know a fast decision looks like the quickest way out of pain, but it's not. Honor your indecision - you're making a decision that is likely to affect decades of your life. Let your heart and gut do their work. I know that seems like being passive, but it's not. It just takes time, sometimes, for gut and heart to do their work.

What does your heart say? I know she's not trustworthy yet, but what does she say?

Have faith in yourself. It's very likely that your heart and gut will align within a reasonable amount of time, given the decades you're affecting.

My sitch was very different from yours. I knew I wanted to R, and my W was definitely doing her work, so R was an easy choice for me.

Having said that, at 4 months from d-day, I was just coming out of shock, so my head wasn't working all that well. My gut and heart were, though.

15 weeks is still really early in this process. If you are willing to give it time I would give myself at least 2 years to make a decision unless you know you want out. It takes honestly more like 5 years to heal from betrayal.

I was in shock for a whole year after D-day. The whole year was a blur. Then I hit anger after 6 months and that continued into year 2. Unfortunately I was put through False R so my healing was set back to ground zero again.

Is your WS seeing an IC? Does he seem remorseful and want to move mountains to save the M?

It's great that you are in IC that will help a lot with your healing. Unfortunately it took a long time for me to start having more good days than heavy days. That is the trauma from infidelity. I don't think a lot of people realize until they go through it how traumatic it actually is and how it completely changes you.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 5:16 PM, Wednesday, October 9th]

There is nothing that says you can't try a trial separation to see how that feels for you. When I separated from my WH, my healing went from 1 to 100 in a matter of weeks.

It's not common advice around here but if you are mired in pain and depression, get out of the mud for a bit. Clean yourself off, breathe some fresh air and see what progress you can make in your own healing. Separation doesn't mean divorce. It can mean that you take space to heal and get right with your heart and mind. From there, you can start to consider permanent decisions about your marriage.

My head and emotions were still spinning at four months. Now at six months anger is starting to make an appearance. I would suggest giving yourself more time to see how you feel in a few months