SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This type of thinking is a bit strange I think but does anyone wonder if their WS is now a ‘safe partner’ vs just not having the opportunity to have another affair.

My WH did not go searching for an AP but rather just fell into his lap (pardon the pun). He just didn’t say no when that horny young co-worker flirted with him. Now he has done a lot of work on himself, which I can see and I guess admire. He obviously swears black and blue that he would never do this to me/us again. But sometimes I just think it is because he may just not get the opportunity.

It’s like I want him to be tested. Like I want someone to hit on him and him say no for some proof. I know this could be true of any partner but after his affair it’s a thought that pops into my head regularly and I have also said it to him.

Does anyone else feel/think this way?

I too would want my WH to walk away from the situation if presented and have the balls to be a man. But I know in my heart if he was at his sisters and the AP showed up (her best friend) he would fall all over himself. He would not walk away nor would he give me a second thought. He has never showed remorse or acknowledged any wrongdoing (really !!!) so he will never be a "safe partner" to me.

I often wonder how my wife would handle herself were a good looking guy to walk into the school and she helps him with the necessary paperwork in her usual friendly way and at the end of their meeting he smiles and says "Thank you very much. My ex-wife used to handle the school stuff but since our divorce she doesn't have anything to do with our child so now I have to figure all of this stuff out on my own. I never thought I would be in this situation but here I am and you have been nothing but kind and helpful. The school is lucky to have you (insert big friendly smile). Would you by chance like to go out for coffee some time? Here's my card."

Would she say "Thank you, glad to help", and then hold up her hand showing her wedding band and say "I am happily married." Or would she take his card back to her desk and tape it somewhere so that every time she sees it she's reminded that guys still find her attractive? Or would she stop for "groceries" aka "coffee" on the way home one day?

These are the thoughts that jump into my mind these days.

I feel like if my wife were to find herself out alone on a hike and "just happen" to bump into her former AP, should he throw her some sweet compliments, I fear she would say "what the hell, let's do it again" She's not been remorseful or empathetic these last 3-1/2 years so I'd say she hasn't really changed. She just expects me to flat out believe she never wants to have an affair again based on her word. I do not feel safe with her and I am now beginning the transition into becoming single.

This is a perfectly understandable way to think. When your loved one has an affair, it shatters your trust, self-esteem and confidence, and you find yourself wanting proof of what you previously took for granted.

There never can be proof, of course, only trust, and I suppose the best way to create and maintain that trust is to talk, openly and frequently. We may also need to say and hear things that we'd rather not. For example, "The truth is, I'd like to have sex with another person, but I promise I never will," rather than the obviously false, "No, certainly not, I'd never want to have sex with anyone but you!"

There is an organisation called The School of Life (I'm not in any way affiliated with this organisation, other than being a subscriber) headed by a philosopher called Alain de Botton, and a lot of what he talks about is sex and relationships, and he's quite realistic about it. He talks about Romanticism, and how it has created the ideal of being in love with, and having sex with, one person for the rest of your life, and how this concept would have been considered strange in other times, due simply to the fact that we didn't live long enough to worry about it, or our lives were so hard that we didn't have time to ponder it!

I adore my wife but, due to her past infidelity (and other reasons), feel like I'm struggling in a swamp at the moment. The post-affair life is incredibly difficult. The daily problem I face is that I have to pretend to be fine. Our partners are very sensitive to changes in behaviour*; for example, today, I just want to wander off on my own for a few hours, but this will appear strange to my wife, unless I tell her why. But how do you say, "I've been miserable almost every day for the last fourteen years and I just need to stop having to pretend for a few hours. I'll be back in time for Coronation Street**."

Apologies for making this somewhat about me. The ground has been taken away from under you: it's not surprising you want your WH to be tested: that could help, to some extent, to rebuild the foundation of your relationship.

*Ironically, when my wife was having her affair, I noticed no change in her behaviour, apart possibly from one very memorable and deeply unpleasant occasion.

**Famous British soap opera. I'm in England.

[This message edited by Eric1964 at 7:29 PM, Monday, October 7th]

Like @Eric1964 said, I saw no change in my wife's behavior during her affair. It was pure luck that I saw a pic while she was scrolling thru her phone and when I asked about it her demeanor instantly changed and my spidey sense started tingling so I set a reminder in my phone to check her text log on Verizon the next month. Nothing there and I almost let it go but I just knew something was wrong so I checked her tablet

And there it was. Because I checked her tablet before she had left work she hadn't yet deleted the day's sexting on her phone which would have deleted the messages on her tablet as well. She was VERY cognizant of remembering to delete the messages every day before she left work. I got lucky.

And every day she would drive home, give me a hug, ask about my day, pretend like every thing was just fine, say I love you to my face, go to bed, wake up, get ready for work, make sure the clothes/hair/nails/makeup/etc were PERFECT, say thank you for making my coffee, thank me for scraping the ice off her car windows so she can just jump in and go (I'm not doing that ever again),kiss me goodbye, drive to work, and wait for that first sext to arrive to temporarily rescue her from her boring life.

Or wait for him to stop by the office to chat with her and her coworker. Idle chit-chat between the three of them all the while she and him are smiling inside because of their secret affair.

I feel the pain from each of the posters.

This is a wake up call for other betrayed spouses/partners that choose to stay married or in a relationship where there is no remorse or accountability etc.

This is what you can expect. A sense of profound loss and deep regret you remained w/ the cheater.

My H was/is deeply remorseful and regrets all of it. Maybe that is why I am (for the most part) very happy.

However part of my healing has been to put myself and my happiness first. My marriage is no longer my priority - I am.

I sorta laugh to myself every time he does his laundry. I think to myself — I bet you wish you never cheated. Because at dday2 of affair 2 I did the hard 180 and I stopped doing everything for him. So for 11 years now he’s had to do his own laundry (amongst other things).

For the posters here, I think you all deserve joy and happiness in your life. You should put yourself first and take advantage of opportunities. I created a whole social life for myself that does not include my H. He’s totally on board with it so there is no issue.

But I can tell you if he wasn’t on board and had an issue, he’d have to suck it up and accept it OR we would be divorced. Not in a mean way but I just don’t want to be bending to someone else’s rules or ideas at this point.