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So I’ve mentioned in a post or 2 previously my in-laws have not reached out to me since the discovery of my WH betrayal (almost a year ago now). They "pride" themselves as being these wonderful, loving people (who apparently love me like one of their own) … but not once did they ever acknowledge their sons betrayal to me or ask me a "how are you doing … we are here if you ever need anything." Radio silence 🤐

They don’t like me. Period. I actually wouldn’t be surprised if they never did. Looking back on the years that I’ve known them, how my WH describes them/his childhood …. I wouldn’t put it past them if they "put on a face" this entire time. They have had "bashing" sessions about me (behind my back on a couple of occasions) to my WH - yes, he had defended my honour every time … in one of these so called explosions from his dad, he told my WH "I will cut you out of my life." Ironically enough his parents don’t speak to any family (all were cut from their lives or they are estranged).

Not only have they been cold hearted to me over this, they have displayed the same treatment towards their son and grandchildren. They have never asked how any of us are, the weekly calls ended shortly after the discovery of Dday, gifts to the kids became sparse, etc (not "normal" behaviour from them).

A few weeks ago I discovered my in-laws sent this massive text thread to my WH blaming me for everything!!!! Highlights include:

1. They blame me for his affair (apparently they knew our our M was really bad, they could see it … if our M was good he wouldn’t of had an A 🙄)

2. I’M the reason they no longer have a relationship with their son or grandkids and I’VE been keeping them away. (Nope. Never. Particularly, over these past several months I’ve tried encouraging my WH to reach out to them to "rebuild" a relationship - HE tried keeping weekly contact but got very little in return from them, so he more or less stopped trying - don’t blame him).

3. If I’m not over it by now, then I need help. (🤣)

4. I have my family and he has his, don’t worry about her. (Pretty sure we’re married and have created our own family unit, but 👍🏻).

5. He deserves nothing but happiness. (I guess I don’t 🤷🏻‍♀️).

If you knew me, you would think I’m the most laid back, easy going person. Maybe too much of a people pleaser sometimes, putting others before myself and don’t have a "beef" with anyone. I have given them zero reason to not like me.

I told my WH that I cannot have people like this in my life and it’s abundantly clear they do not want our M or our family to succeed. I have put on a face since the summer of 2021 (knowing things were different and I could feel they felt differently about me) and I told him I was no longer going to pretend. I have so much other stuff going on in my life I can’t be bothered to put up with their fucked up narrative. They have somehow (again) managed to shift all of the blame onto me and that is absolutely unacceptable, disgusting and something I will not tolerate. My WH is fully onboard … however, they still are his parents and I can see he’s having a very difficult time with the realization that they are essentially a “cancer” to us. I actually empathize with him in this regard - I get they are his parents and I don’t think he ever thought he would be in a situation where he would actually have to cut them out of his life.

Not sure if I really have a question here. Maybe some sort of validation I’m making the right choice?

[This message edited by Heartbrokenwife23 at 7:29 PM, Tuesday, October 1st]

My MIL didn’t speak to me for years - decades. Nothing happened. She just didn’t like me one day and thought she could control her son.

She died with very few tears shed (sadly).

I tried to get my H to maintain contact but he refused. He said we were a package deal - all or nothing. If she doesn’t like me & kids, then he doesn’t need to have a relationship w/ her either.

In your case you need to say it’s their choice on who they like and accept THEY made the decision. Once you are no longer tied to people who are petty and toxic your life will improve. Let them say what they want. Just remind them it was their choice.

And PS my parents have never asked me how I’m doing or if I’m ok. Many many people take that approach. They just don’t get it sadly.

Well said #1Wife!

People are responsible for their own happiness. Now? How can you be happy keeping people in your life that bring you down?
Or worse . . .

People can change but the must WANT to. What you write is telling me of some "family" that is mentally mis-wired.
They ENJOY their hate of you and ??? else.

So you include them OUT of your life.

You will soon be glad you did.

How will you feel if he won't cut them out and wants to maintain contact?

The1stWife

I wish I could say I understood why people choose to "turn a blind eye" to something like this, but I just don’t get how parents of all people could not acknowledge such a devastating blow (I mean, it affects them too). I can guarantee if I were the cheater, his parents would of been shown him an infinite amount of support and would of been checking in on him (they most certainly would of thought I was the scum beneath their shoes and would be advocating for him to divorce me) - but because he’s the cheater they have chosen to cower and hide (somehow they still have chosen to treat me like I’m the villain in this story and put the blame on me).

I might of been able to "live" with the silence on their part and their inability to show any sort of empathy, but to visually read their words/thoughts and clearly see their motives and what they think of me is beyond repair. Although, on one hand this doesn’t really surprise me they have reacted this way. In fact, they have only validated my opinion I have had about them these past few years.

I’ve told my WH over and over again that they will die very lonely people with nobody to cry at their funeral.

Hippo16

Exactly. I have not cared for them ever since that summer when they showed their true colors. All they do is talk shit behind my back and they make sure to do it when I’m not around to defend myself and give them my own food for thought. They are cowards.

I’m standing firm on my stance, they have beyond crossed the line with me and there’s no coming back from this.

SadieMae

Honestly, I told him that I will support his decision either way - whatever that looks like is TBD. But one thing is certain, I will no longer have any sort of contact or relations with them. I’m more than fine without their toxic b.s in my life.

I told him, with that being said if you chose to have a relationship with them (people who don’t like me or want our M to succeed) I don’t see much hope or success in rebuilding our life together. Unfortunately there is so much damage caused now and keeping toxic relations "alive" will continue to seep into all areas of your life. I also told him that not only am I ok with not being apart of their lives, but that I will be fine without him too.

HBW23,

I only mentioned that because I wanted to make sure you had considered the scenario.

My SIL (Husband's youngest sister) treated me terribly when my mother passed away. I severed my relationship with her and have had very little to do with her since. But it has bothered me that my H couldn't stand with me on that, but it was also eye-opening about who he is and what he will tolerate.

My WH family IMO is very dysfunctional. Every single one of them are selfish and look out for number 1 and fuck anyone else.

For our whole relationship I have tried to organise events for their birthdays, Christmas etc etc. His sister is the only one who has ever organised anything else but that is only ever for her own kids.

Last years Christmas was coming around (not long after D-Day) and once again nothing had been mentioned about Xmas. I wanted to go out of town for Xmas with my family as it was ‘our’ year so we tried to organise Xmas with his family a few days before. These events see me cook and clean with not one ounce of help by anyone. They are a family of 5 (adult) kids and their mum.

My SIL went into her usual hissy fit, abusing me for not considering her kids on Xmas day and that ‘her’ family (meaning me) was always out first and refused to come. Then the mum said ‘oh I thought this year we puke finally have every one together’ as one of the brothers had moved back to town in this year.

Well I lost it. I message the SIL and told her to stop Abusing me (she has done it for 6 years now) because our years don’t match up with the kids due her being seperate to her partner. The fact is already swapped once and then she changed again 🙄. Then I told the mum well no one ever mentions Xmas until I do so I assumed it wouldn’t matter.

Since then I told hubby if he wanted to do anything with his family he needs to organise it. And guess what - we have done absolutely nothing since then with them, except for MIL birthday as I felt guilty so we took her to lunch, with the SIL kids. I still don’t reeally talk to the SIL but my IC said not to worry. Sometimes we just get to a point where we can’t take it anymore and their are no more shits ti give 😂

I know I can’t blame them for not knowing about the A but I believe the whole family are so self centred they wouldn’t even care anyways. I’m glad I’ve put this distance between us, life is much more simpler. And when people ask me or question why I don’t do all those things anymore I just say, well they have a brother / son don’t they?

Sooooo even if the in-laws knew, I doubt things would be different.

People can’t give what they don’t have.

Including respect or manners.

Just remember it’s not you. It is THEM!

SadieMae

Yes. Definitely have considered all scenarios.

I’m sorry your H didn’t have your back in that situation. That is tough and what I believe can strain a relationship further. I do know personally of some situations where this "works" for some families, but for me I feel like it will be all or nothing here. My WH is trying to hold out some kind of miracle that something will change in them - even though he knows it won’t. I told him to prepare himself because all of this shit with his parents is going to blow up in his face and it’s going to get very ugly.

Webbit

Sounds like you have a bunch of dysfunctional in-laws as well. Glad to hear I’m not the only one.

I think distancing from toxicity like that is imperative to mental health. I know personally I have put on my best face when I have to be around my in-laws (luckily they are in a different province than us, so visits are limited) but after all of this infidelity shit with THEIR son, somehow I’m STILL the bad guy - I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’m eagerly waiting for the day this shit explodes in all their faces and I will be snatching a front row seat.

The1stWife

You’re right. They don’t have it in them, they never did.

Do that makes the situation w/ the in laws a little less personal. They aren’t being supportive of you because they don’t like you, they aren’t being supportive because they don’t know how.

They wouldn’t be supportive even if they liked you.

As I’ve mentioned my MIL despised me for no known reasons. Everyone in the family were afraid of her and would sneak out to visit at holidays w/out letting her know they were seeing us.

My H had limited contact w/ his dad (who loved me) for years until his mom passed. Then it was a very great time because the family witch who controlled everyone no longer held any power.

The point for me is that my H stood United - he said to his mom if you hate my wife then you don’t get me either. And she didn’t.

People can choose to live their life with hate - or they can choose to be a better person and just minimize the drama and get along.

It is very freeing when you move away from the toxic in laws. It’s also very sad that grown adults act the way you described.

You have to learn not to care what they think or say b/c you know it’s not good but it’s also not important. My MIL believed I did nothing more than lay around and go shopping at Macy’s lol. I worked hard and loved her son and made him happy.

Nothing was ever good enough for her. And when I stopped trying and caring, my life has less stress and drama.

I still laugh when I remember her kids and spouses and my FIL would sneak over to our house every year to celebrate Christmas She never knew.

Heartbroken, we have the exact same in-laws--although mine were more openly abusive toward me before DDay. We are now estranged. They haven't met two of our kids. I prefer it this way; the kids prefer it this way; my in-laws prefer it this way (because they don't have to interact with us but get to have their sob story about how I'm keeping their grandkids from them); but my H suffers incredibly. All he's ever wanted was for his parents to love him, and it's clear that they don't. I have to walk the line of feeling incredibly sympathetic toward him but also needing to enforce boundaries. It's so tough.

The1stWife

Yes. I definitely understand the angle you’re coming from. They truly don’t know how to be supportive … I’ve seen it clear as day by how they have chosen to respond to their son and innocent young grandchildren (although for some reason they state thus as my doing 🙄).

My MIL in particular is a very cold, stubborn and seemingly heartless individual. She believes she’s very clever and can "play" people - my H doesn’t understand why she continues to try these ways with him because he sees through her manipulation.

I resonate much with your statement "MIL believed I did nothing more than lay around and go shopping at Macy’s lol" … I’m currently a SAHM (but also bring in a decent amount of income with a small home based biz) and I know it bothers both of my in-laws to the core that "I don’t work" and their son is working double time to pay for everything (not true) - they asked my H why I wasn’t working (ummm hello, it’s none of your business)!

I think that’s hilarious everyone would sneak out lol … I can’t believe she never clued in. Clearly you were loved by all and she was too busy sitting in the bitter barn.

Revenger

I’m sorry. From your brief description of your own in-laws I can very much relate. I consider they have already shared a sob story of their own with her brothers (only family they really talk too) and have poisoned their minds. Nothing I can do about that. I very much fear my H could be in a "troublesome" state once it’s actually out in the open. As of now I have not spoken to them or seen them since July 2023. They have sent me a couple texts since then "thanks for the birthday gifts 🥰" "happy Mother’s Day 🥰" … just so they can look like the "good guys."

As I mentioned in my initial post, they ramble on about how horrible I am and how they want their son to be happy … then send us a "happy anniversary" text the following week (😑) - they are as fake as they come.

Since the A has come to light and he started with his self reflection he very much felt abandoned by them once he left home to go explore life as a young adult. It was interesting to listen to him share this … I think there is some deep hurt and this part of his FOO played a part in how he was feeling at the time of our M when he was in his A (not an excuse, but facts nonetheless).

Anyways, I’m rambling here … like your H, mine also is (even though he hasn’t admitted yet) having a rough go with this unsettling reality about his family. He’s had too look at some hard truths and while I literally can’t offer him an empathy for what he’s done to me, I’m trying to find it in me to show him some sort of "wifely softness" for the "loss" of his parents. This is extremely hard for me because my walls have stood tall, strong and firm … absolutely no wiggle room or ounce of empathy for him. I’m trying hard to tell myself that it’s ok to let soft feelings in and be there for him, I know he needs me … we both need each other.

My MIL turned half of a country against me. No joke.

When they retired back to their native country she basically talked badly about me to everyone and anyone who would listen. It’s an island — and half the island were her relatives lol.

Luckily after she passed my H remained close with some of the family as did my FIL, so there were people around to dispel her lies.

Some people just ain’t gonna like you. After trying for 15 years to get past her hate, my H decided to cut ties and move on. It was his decision to do so.

I never hated my MIL - I actually thought she was mentally ill or had serious problems in life. Her family (large # of siblings) have explosive tempers and spent their lives fighting and arguing and suing each other in court over various issues. It explains some part of the family dynamic but doesn’t give you the right to be a mean nasty person.

Sadly two of her kids are just like her. Learned behavior. I steer clear lol 😆

One piece of advice regarding cutting off toxic people:
Just do it.
Don’t give then a reason, explanation or anything like that. Don’t give them that pleasure. Just stop communicating. Respond in as minimal a way as possible. They will get the message.

IMHO it would be possible for your husband to keep some form of relationship. However it would be on him to refuse to accept any negativity from them regarding you.

The1stWife

Your MIL sounds downright nasty. Thankfully things seemed to work out and in your favour. Happy to hear your H stood by your side :)

Bigger

So far that is exactly what I have done. I have not given them any of my time and have chosen not to engage with their nonsense. I’m sure my silence (on some level anyway) is making them question what is going on.

I already mentioned to my H that just because I have chosen to write them out of my life, doesn’t mean he has too. My H has made it pretty clear he would be unable to have a "good" relationship with them after everything that has happened. These past several months it’s "hit him" just what kind of parents they are. His IC seems to think he should write them a letter (I’m not sure how that would go over).

I already mentioned to my H that just because I have chosen to write them out of my life, doesn’t mean he has too. My H has made it pretty clear he would be unable to have a "good" relationship with them after everything that has happened. These past several months it’s "hit him" just what kind of parents they are. His IC seems to think he should write them a letter (I’m not sure how that would go over).

Do you still have copies of the text messages they sent to your H about you? It might be a good idea for your H to respond to them via a letter, putting them in their place, owning his shit, defending you, and - most importantly - setting some boundaries. Perhaps he can repair the relationship enough to be able to still have them in his life and stay married to you. But he's got to present as a firm member of your team, not theirs, and have your back at all times. Would that be something you're willing to try?

I’m not sure that your H writing to his family will do much good.

People who are mean and toxic have a way of always turning things around and making themselves look like the victim.

They play the "I don’t know why my son hates me" game and show people his texts or letter and use it to prop up their "we did everything for him but his evil wife just turned him against us" card.

I would suggest no contact. Nothing written. No texts. Just no communication. Eventually the toxic in-laws only have the past to talk about (because there is no contact) AND they will complain the "evil" daughter in law "took their son away".

I have to tell you that in many cases, the complainer is spinning their "woe is me" saga. But there are highly intelligent people who are wondering what is the real truth or the actual facts.

Put nothing in writing b/c you know it will be used against you.

I hope this helps you.

ScaredSoul33

Yes (I believe so anyway). My H knows he is to not delete anything without my consent. I’ve reiterated many times to him that he can have a relationship with them and strong boundaries will have to be put in place. The problem here is 1). He’s ridiculously dependant on me (always has been) … so if I don’t go visit his parents, then he won’t go (always been like this). 2). He’s seeing them in this new, ugly and dark light - not only have they treated me horribly, they have done the same to him and their innocent grandchildren. He’s not much for putting words together, let alone compiling his thoughts into a letter format. I’m not opposed to anything though. I’m letting him figure this one out.

The1stWife

This was kinda my thoughts as well. When I read the text thread one of my first thoughts was "now I have what you really think about me in writing" - you can’t take it back … you can’t say you never said it because I have the proof in front of me. By sending her son a text thread instead of being a grownup and calling him was a HUGE mistake that will bite them in the ass. It has been the biggest relief not having them in my life and the fact that THEY have chosen to completely disengage themselves and "shun" their own son (albeit they blame me for it). The one thing they fail to realize is that my H SEES them for who they truly are! I feel so validated in my decision knowing that I have taken complete control over that piece of my life. My H can make his own decisions when it comes to them, he’s a big boy.

I think you are getting to a solid level of healing from all the trauma and pain.

My heart breaks knowing you read what the in-laws wrote about you. I remember that pain well after hearing a few things my H told me after Dday.

Can’t be unread or unsaid. Sadly.

Just know if people want to find the good in people and be positive, then they do. Or they can be like mother in law and your in-laws and just be evil mean people.

The good news after awhile it won’t hurt as much b/c it will be so far in the past.

Hope this helps you.