SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello everyone:

I am 4 years out from what I guess was DD1 but that day was the revelation of what had transpired 2 years earlier when my husband left me on a Saturday morning out of the blue pleading "needing space and struggling with depression." From the bottom of my heart, if you had told me one year earlier that he could or would do this to me, I would have handed over my children and guaranteed this was not possible.

I was not fortunate enough to have found this site then. Man, I wish I had. I'll bullet point the outline of my situation and then my observations these 4 years later. I hope it helps someone.

Since this site does not forbid people giving advice (some infidelity sites do), I'll say I am not looking for input into how I am handling things today. Thanks.

I hope my thoughts help someone.

The A:

-2018: My husband, like all cliches, became moody, odd, secretive and uncharacteristic of his usual self. I asked a million questions and was met with "how dare you." He lied to a MC as we spent thousands trying to figure out how to help him. I believed that he was depressed and I was no fun. Good Lord.

He left on a Saturday morning. Literally came downstairs after a fun night at home and said he needed space. As you can imagine, the first thing I asked was if he was leaving me for someone else. How dare I. So I was convinced he was fighting for his life. He was gone 5 months. Came home and I was grateful.

I unknowingly did the pick me dance that whole time.

TWO YEARS LATER!! 2020- I found out he had been having an affair in another city for about 8 months before he left. Fake biz trips, fake guys trips, etc...
It was a woman he had dated in the early 2000s when they both were divorced and she was now a widow. He reached out. She did not chase him. But she sure as hell did not say, "Sorry pal, you are a walking midlife crisis. Her dead husband is a dead ringer for my husband. The few friends of mine who know everything all were shocked when they saw her dead husband's pic. PS. She is also someone who during the A was posting all kinds of inspirational sayings about being a good person etc...Her FB is public. She is also an aging mean party girl. Woof. I digress.

It was Covid and he had just been transferred across the country so we were moving! That was a gift.

It was so much stress, I don't know how I survived.

I was dealing with: the truth of that dark time, the unbelievable lies, the fact that she had been able to know who I was (I also write and have articles, essays all over the place), my FB was pretty public. She had a few pics of him during 2018 on her FB (this was 2 years after the A ended), Covid, a move away from all I knew, living with a stranger.

He ruined what we had for a 5 month affair that fizzled once she got a taste of the reality of him and he realized that maybe life was not so fun anywhere when he was part of it in that bratty stage. He watched me deteriorate in so many ways in that time. He listened to me say, after he "came home" how glad I was that infidelity was not part of our story and how I would do anything he needed to make sure that mean old depression did not overtake him again.

So, why did I go for R? Fear, the great years, the belief that people do make terrible mistakes and redemption is possible, the fact that he was willing to did a lot of hard work (though he is not perfect at it), my age-I feel too old to start over (yes, yes, I know I can), the pandemic and I would now be living alone in my late 50s in the middle of a pandemic.

My thoughts:

-Moving was a gift for R. It is a true fresh start. No family, kid, school, work, hobby history here. My deep respect for those of you who live where the A took place and run into the AP. You are strong strong people.

-I hold nothing back. My eggshell days are gone. He did a polygraph, I looked at all phone records, credit cards, he recreated every day that he was with her (at my request), any non friend of the marriage are gone (he had a lot of "cool" unmarried guy friends-something I didn't love but did not try to control), he is still earning my trust back, I look at him with non rose colored glasses. If I feel gaslit or uncomfortable about anything, I tell him.

-It has been the hardest thing I have ever done. On my worst days I feel defeated, that all my hard work in life has been for nothing, that I am a fool. That I must lack self respect.

-On my best days, I feel proud of not letting my ego and old voices say, "You're outta here" when I do love him. It is a second marriage for both of us and my kids adore him. They know everything and he has apologized to each of them for what he put me through. They were adults when all this happened.

-He is more mature, realistic and present.

-He is not great 100% of the time when I am triggered. Sometimes he is kind and patient and sometimes he is kind of mean. Not often, but still sometimes. That makes me want to tell him to leave. If that day comes, I'll know it.

-I dearly miss the old days when I was SO PROUD of what we had. Really, I envied no one, I looked forward to every weekend and evening. I never let him wonder how I felt about him. I often wonder if I created a monster.

-Infidelity is everywhere in movies and TV. Good heavens, it really gets old. I wish he would say, "I am so sorry this is bringing us back to what I did." He just sits kind of frozen.

-A book and website called Runaway Husbands saved my life during the 5 months he was gone. This site (I have lurked and been on and off) has saved me going forward.

-My pain has lessened. After being dead inside for all of 2021, 2022 and part of 2023, I feel more alive. Not old me alive, but I am evidence that POLF can get better. I feel that POLF will always be part of me in some way.

-It was here that I read about the R being old marriage being dead and a new one being forged. That is how I see us. My Camelot days were amazing though. I really thought we were the lucky ones. Now, I see us as regular people, one very hurt and damaged but forging ahead. I'm not a believer anymore that life is what you put into it. I put all my sincerity, love and goodwill into my marriage before the A. I really did. And here we are.

-We laugh more these days and it makes me glad that the years of memories and laughs can bubble up.

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You don't need any advice anyway. I think you're handling things in a beautiful, authentic manner.

Sacred Soul, thank you! That really means a lot to me because that is truly what I am trying to do.

Love this update from you. I think your situation is what I hope for in the future and it gives me hope. So many of the feelings and thoughts you describe ring 100% true to me, but I still struggle al lot with them. However I am not even 2 whole years out yet so I still hold hope for more acceptance and peace with everything down the line. I find your post very wise and insightful.

I dearly miss the old days when I was SO PROUD of what we had. Really, I envied no one, I looked forward to every weekend and evening. I never let him wonder how I felt about him. I often wonder if I created a monster...My Camelot days were amazing though. I really thought we were the lucky ones. Now, I see us as regular people, one very hurt and damaged but forging ahead. I'm not a believer anymore that life is what you put into it. I put all my sincerity, love and goodwill into my marriage before the A. I really did. And here we are.

This is one of the points I am stuck on at the moment, accepting a life and M going forward without that 'we are the lucky ones' feeling. It meant so much to me and was such a huge part of who I was as a person and as a wife. So proud of us, our bond, our long marriage, family and how tight we were I hope to find a new kind of happiness and maybe, maybe, some day pride again in this marriage. I just don't see how at this point, but your post makes me believe it can happen.

Thank you for your helpful post. It caught me on a bad day and gave me a boost.

Miserylikescompany:

I am so pleased that you recognize some of your own feelings in my post. Neither of us is alone and that makes all the difference.

I completely understand the content feeling (pre A) of just feeling solid in your marriage: safe, part of a loving couple. Of course it is a huge part of who we were! I really hear you on that. Letting that go, being forced to let that go...it was among the worst of the pain.

Take heart that if I, who was sooooooo sad and lonely and heartsick and angry and impotent with the unfairness of it all. If I can feel better 4 years out (after feeling pretty awful 2,3 years out), it is possible for anyone.

Why do we, the hurt parties, have to bear all the pain? That is how it feels to me. The betraying party seems to skip a lot of pain in my opinion.

We are very strong. On my best days, I really feel that only I can know why this feels right to reconcile. I have 2 friends who really support me in this. No judgement, no sad side eye. My FWH is doing his work. But I don't worry about him, as odd as that sounds. I check in with me all the time. How am I doing? How am I feeling?

My years of taking the temperature on his happiness, comfort, physical needs, time to himself, etc...it got me bupkus. Nothing. I've had to morph into an "looking out for herself" gal. I mourn the old loyalty I had. But this is the new marriage. With the same guy. It's much less romantic for me. I was a giant softie who made a wonderful home and made sure he was living his best life. I'm a different wife now and it actually feels healthy. Odd given my wiring but healthy.

I often wonder how many quietly reconciling couples are out and about? We don't discuss it with people. Given our ages, I believe we will have a mellow content marriage. And for now, that feels like a decent outcome for the bomb site we built this new marriage on.

2 years is getting you closer to more peace. I really believe that.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Recon. So much of them resonated with me. I am also 4 years out from d day when I discovered my husband had been sexting with women on line for 2 years. He has suffered from depression his whole life and, like you, a lot of our marriage centered around his well-being. Upon discovery we separated for 6 months. Yesterday was our 26th wedding anniversary. We were together many years before that as well. I consider our marriage to be a continuing work in progress. To recommit after his horrendous and very surprising betrayal was not easy for me. And, like you, I miss the feeling of being proud of our "solid" marriage, and often alternate between feeling like a fool and feeling courageous for finding my way back. Most friends and family have supported our reconciled relationship without (overt anyway) judgment. So we move forward.

Reconbrave, Your experience and lessons were truly useful . Don’t you love this new version of yourself ? I will always watch out for myself going forward. I don’t think there is anything selfish about it but we are conditioned to compromise at the cost of our wellbeing. I also wonder if we thought so little of ourselves that we were ok being treated the way we were and scared to ask for more. Better late than never!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts ! I wish you the best !

I often wonder how many quietly reconciling couples are out and about?

Yeah ... we just completed 57 years of M, 59 years of knowing each other. I think we truly love each other, and W can still turn my bones to rubber.

We hold hands when we walk together - that's not forced; we just reach for each other. Somewhere on this site there's a photo of us from the back on a bench overlooking Lake Tahoe. I really liked that photo - it seemed to me to show two people who had a very positive connection. I think it was taken in 2015.

And I'm posting as a betrayed spouse....