SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Today is the 1st year anniversary of D-Day!

As i lie here in bed next to my WH I think about the crazy shit show of this year. I think about the emotional pain I have gone though, I think of how much our lives have changed and how our marriage will never be the same.

When I first found this forum I was six months out. I was in desperate need of support because I could not understand why I was still in such a crazy state from the affair. I thought 6 months should have been plenty of time to ‘get over’ what my husband had done. How wrong I was 😂

I had never felt so much rage and anger, my heart had never been so broken, the emotional pain this caused was overwhelming. I felt a confused state of shame and embarrassment whilst having no control of the situation that created it. My life and mind were chaos!

The wonderful people of this forum gave and continue to give me the best advice. At 6 months this forum helped me realise I was trying to fix a marriage of two people who were both broken rather than us work on ourselves first. From that point a lot changed and healing for myself and self discovery and character building/change for my husband began.

My WH began to read books recommended on here, he did IC, he started to change his ways and became a better communicator, listener and supporter. We talked more, we did more as a whole family unit and we made time to spend as a couple. He showed me he has fight and ambition in him, can actually admit when he is wrong and he can be vulnerable.

I am now full back into all my usual things I love - my work, running, friends, organising fun trips for all of us and I can see how my life has potential to be extremely good.

But I now know how this rug can be pulled out at anytime. I have grown as a person from this. I’m no longer naive in relationships/friendships and recognise when it’s only me doing all the work or giving. I now have fewer relationships with people but the ones I do have are more meaningful.

Some great pieces of advice I was given to help heal were:

1. It all takes time and everyone is different in how long they take to heal. I lost count of times people on SI have told me to slow down and be patient. This one was really hard for me as I am a planner and always have a deadline.

2. WH chose to cheat - nothing I did or not do caused this. While I knew this, having these thoughts reinforced really helped. In saying that WH whilst saying he was unhappy in our marriage he only ever blamed himself.

3. IC is more important than MC at the beginning of all this. I was lucky to find a therapist who point blank told us both that and ended up being a wonderful IC for both myself and WH.

4. Just sit with and feel each thought and emotion. I was trying to fight these ‘bad’ feelings all the time but it was making me angrier the just letting them come and go naturally.

5. Deciding whether you R or D does not have to be made immediately and you can change your mind at any point.

Right now my life is good. I am good. I still hate the fact my marriage has been effected so negatively by my WH and his infidelity but I accept it has happened. There are still things I can’t do eg wear my engagement ring but I am willing to keep trying to save our marriage as long as my WH keeps showing up and is continues to try to be a better person. I know my D plan if it all goes pear shape again but I am truly hopeful that doesn’t happen.

Thank you to all who have given me advice it honestly has been one of the main reason I have ‘survived’ this. Without you listening and responding I may have still been in a big cloud of angry confusion 💚

Very good update, you have and your H have done the work and it is paying off. Learning to fix yourselves first is the key to fixing the M. I made so much self improvement that at a year my self esteem was back and AP was nothing, not even a thought. Keep up the work and keep your communication open, even difficult communication is good communication. We had more disagreements after working on R, than ever before, because we were honestly communicating.

Just stopping in quickly to acknowledge your 1 year update. I’m so happy that both you and your H are doing well in R ❤️ More importantly, it makes me incredibly happy to hear how well YOU are doing 1 year post Dday. Sounds like your M is headed down a promising path and it can serve as a hopeful R story for myself and others here looking for some positivity as we navigate life after infidelity.

This post is importantly as it shows others some very important things that happen during and after infidelity is discovered.

The healing process is harder and longer than most betrayeds realize. I think that’s the thing no one can prepare you for.

Keep moving forward. That’s the best we can do as BS.

Webbit, this is a really positive message, thank you. It gives some of us hope and the advice is great. You are right about sitting in the feelings, it is painful, but over time maybe they weaken because feeling them lessens their power and you are still alive on the other side of them.

Also, I passed my 1 year a few months ago, and never in a million years did I think I would survive or still be here working on the marriage. I know how hard the first year is and what an emotional rollercoaster it is, so it is really nice to see a positive story. My situation is not as positive as yours, but it gives me some hope that one day I may get there.