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Her candor about her still longing for ap at times is both encouraging and alarming. I doubt the vast majority of FWW would admit that, whether they have done "the work" or not. Personally, I am not sure it even should be discussed with the BS. But I suppose getting it out in the light of day so she can grapple with it more effectively is a good strategy. It does show an amazing amount of candor and honesty so that is at least a good sign. What did you learn that was new about the affair beyond her still thinking about ap?

I did not go back and re-read your original thread but I remember you went to a retreat center when you found out and that helped you so I think the current break will help you too. It may need to be longer than what you planned but then there is the other factor that she will be alone during that time and more subject to her own thoughts.

Do you feel like she had a real set of consequences after her affair? Does her family know about it? She appears to be remorseful but I am asking because maybe if no proverbial cold water was dumped on her life then she doesn't associate her AP with as much negative as she needs. Obviously she has seen your pain and that should be enough but apparently it isn't. One thing in this regard is your apparent promise to her that I won't leave you unless you want me to. That feels like a lack of consequence to me. Imo, you very well may need to divorce her and she should realize that is on the table.

Have you two made any real progress? All I read is the intense anguish that never goes away. This is not a life, it’s a prison sentence. My question to her would be, "You still yearn for him so why are you still here?" I would be seeing an attorney but that’s just me. I know from how my body works that this much stress would have me in the hospital. Stress is cumulative and it literally erodes your body’s defenses. Soldiers are not allowed to stay in battle for too long because it is so detrimental to their health and yet every day you get up and your body goes to war. I read a book that said during the US Civil War soldiers’ breakdown was called A Soldiers’s Heart. At some point it became Battle Fatigue and now PTSD. Guess what you probably have.

Please, please take care of yourself. You deserve better than this.

I refused to discuss feelings about ow with my W. That was for her IC sessions, with one caveat: her IC was our MC, and W signed a release that allowed the C to bring anything from IC into MC. That meant I could and did ask if our MC thought W was committed to R, no matter what she felt about ow.

I've been reading about limerence recently. 'Twin-flamed' looks like limerence to me, and it's really hard for some people to get out of limerence. Is your WS a good candidate for R? Have you both considered ways of getting limerent about you? I'm not sure that can be done, but if she considers you to be a twin-flame, that would probably help R.

How are you twinflamed?

Hi TF,

I recall that you were going to take a

solo vacation to get away from everything and try to gain some perspective.

How did it go for you?
Did you ever commence EMDR treatment?

And while you were away, did she process her emotions for the AP?
I recall a couple of your statements that really concern me regarding her view of the AP

She told me that recently she’s been missing her affair partner for reasons she can’t fully explain and has been feeling an enormous temptation to contact him.
This confession has left me speechless, disturbed, and restless.

She admitted that she still struggles with feelings for him and that certain triggers, especially when she’s feeling low, bring him to mind.

I didn't comment earlier, but as I've reflected on this perspective, I would question if she has truly experienced remorse.
For if her concern was about the hurt and damage she had caused you, then surely this would change her feelings for the AP and for her affair.

We're here to support you mate,
regards,
FAWH

Hey everyone,
First off, I want to thank all of you who reached out and checked in on me. Your kindness and concern have meant so much, and it’s heartwarming to know that people out there genuinely care.

As for the update, I recently took a 15-day vacation, and it was incredible—exactly what I needed. For a while, I almost forgot about the life I left behind. It showed me that if I decide to end my marriage and move on, I can still live, chill, and even thrive. That realization was so reassuring and gave me a confidence boost I didn’t know I needed. I’m truly glad I made the decision to take this trip.

After coming back, a lot has happened. The reason I stayed away from this site for a while is that I was doing well, and I didn’t want to risk coming back too soon and revisiting those painful memories. I felt it might unbalance the mental peace I’d started to find. Now, I feel like I’m in a much better place, and it’s time to share an update.

Right now, I’m at my cousin brother’s place—it’s his wedding tomorrow, so it’s a big, happy family affair. Once that’s over, I’ll sit down and share the full details of everything that’s happened during and after the trip.

Apologies for not getting back to your DMs sooner. I’ll make sure to respond as soon as I have some free time!

Thank you all again for your support. I’ll be back with more soon.

After returning from my trip, I’ve had time to reflect on everything that has happened. While I found a sense of peace during my time away, coming back home has been a completely different story. The moment I was back around my wife, I felt a wave of anxiety and unease. It’s the same feeling I’ve had for over a year now, and it’s exhausting. Despite her efforts to make me feel safer, especially after her recent confessions, I just can’t seem to find that sense of security in our marriage. The trust is broken, and even though I know she’s trying, it hasn’t been enough to ease my mind or rebuild what we lost. After a lot of thought, I’ve decided to move forward with separation and divorce. This isn’t a decision I’ve made lightly, but I believe it’s the best step for my own healing. That said, I’m not entirely closing the door on reconciliation. If, during this process, she manages to truly win me back, I would consider withdrawing the divorce. However, I have to be honest. it feels unlikely at this point.

This has been one of the hardest journeys of my life, and I’m deeply grateful for the advice and support this community has given me. Thank you for helping me find the courage to prioritize myself and my well-being.

[This message edited by twinflamed at 10:16 AM, Wednesday, December 11th]

Twinflamed, you have tried reconciliation despite a particularly difficult betrayal. I admire your thoughtfulness, reflection and forgiveness. The fact that it hasn't worked says nothing negative about who you are at all.

You will find peace in the future.

I just read your other thread. You should be proud of yourself for trying. I know one of your concerns was not making an impulsive decision, even though many said that at such a young age and with no kids divorce would likely be best. Your actions have been commendable to say the least.

She repeatedly lied to you (and her sister it would seem) and had a full blown emotional and physical affair. I am not surprised you cannot reconcile from this. I wish you peace.

After a lot of thought, I’ve decided to move forward with separation and divorce. This isn’t a decision I’ve made lightly, but I believe it’s the best step for my own healing. That said, I’m not entirely closing the door on reconciliation. If, during this process, she manages to truly win me back, I would consider withdrawing the divorce. However, I have to be honest. it feels unlikely at this point.

I wish so many betrayed would more quickly reach the point you have. Namely, to take the default position "the marriage is dead", and start separation/divorce, and yet be open to the betrayer POSSIBLY reaching true remorse, willing to crawl over broken glass for at least the next decade, and a million other necessary things, and if such a miracle occurs, reconsider the D. You’re absolutely right, it’s unlikely for most betrayers to do that, and so it’s wise for the betrayed to move on, which expedites their healing.

Well done.

Trdd: I truly hope I find peace, and that my wife finds hers too. We both need it. Thank you.

justsendit:Thank you for your kind words! Just a small correction-her sister was never involved in the affair.

gr8ful: The reason I was able to come to this realization so quickly is because I don’t have children and I’m still relatively young. I understand that many others here don’t have that same advantage. They’re often older and have children, which makes the decision to divorce much more complicated and difficult. It’s easy to see why they might hesitate or feel reluctant to take that step.

Very glad you’re at the place you are now. It is such a relief to arrive there after so much mental strife and uncertainty and just pure anguish. Like breathing air for the first time.

I would suggest to you to get the divorce, even if you decide to R with her. It’s not something that really helps you now, but it will help your self esteem 5, 10 years down the road. To know that yes, there were consequences to what she did and also that she feels that too. Hell, if you decide to R you can even tell her the divorce is going through, but then you will try to re establish a new relationship with her. It also gives you the freedom and ease to end R quickly and easily.

Oh, I thought I had read on the other thread that she told her sister it was emotional affair only, but I certainly could be mistaken.

Have you told your family about your decision? Have you told your wife?

justsendit: Yes, I’ve informed my family about my decision. Their reactions have been mixed—some have been supportive, while others are hesitant. It’s not an easy situation for anyone, but I felt it was important to be honest about where things stand. I’ve also told my wife. I waited until after my cousin’s wedding to bring it up, as I didn’t want to disrupt the event. She didn’t take it well, which I understand. She believed we were making progress and thought we could work through things. She’s had time to process and is free to consult a lawyer if she chooses, just as I’m consulting one myself.

[This message edited by twinflamed at 8:46 PM, Wednesday, December 11th]

FWIW, I think you're making the most logical decision. You're getting out of infidelity in the way that works best for you, and no one can claim you didn't give it a shot.
I'm confident you will find someone else and will likely thrive. But there's no rush at all. Just live your life and things will work out. Keep working on yourself.

Stay strong.

[This message edited by 1994 at 10:09 PM, Wednesday, December 11th]

Like many others TF, I wish you and your WW peace, whatever path leads you there.
All the best as you move out of infidelity,
FAWH

TF,

IMO, you chose correctly. Not because it aligns with what I read of your situation, but because it was correct for you.

Reading through this thread, it appeared that you were fighting a losing battle against an ideal in your WW's mind. She held on hard onto her 'connection' to her AP, as evidenced by her lingering thoughts and the holding on to physical reminders of her A.

I do wish you all the best, and as with everyone else, that you find your own peace.

RR