i feel anxious.

Hi,

I have posted my story on JFO. Here's the link: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/661846/she-burnt-me-with-her-twin-flame/?ap=1

My wife has been remorseful and is doing all the "work" she is supposed to do. A few months ago, she changed therapists on her own initiative because she wasn't happy with the one she had before. She has been cooperative and patient with my healing. She is aware of my triggers and has been educating herself through her therapist and books to understand my pain and help me deal with it. Our relationship now feels deeper and more intimate than it was before her infidelity. This tragedy has given her enough motivation and a sense of urgency to address pre-infidelity issues. I feel she is doing great. She seems focused on resolving our issues while also addressing her own demons.

Even with all the progress she has made in the past few months, I still remain in some sort of limbo. I am happy for her, but not for myself. I don't feel like I have made much progress. I spend most of my time in therapy dealing with my anger issues. Every time a new detail of her infidelity comes to light, I get angry and disturbed. Then, I have to deal with that pain and anger through my therapist. Although no new details have surfaced in the past few months, I still live in fear that I might come across something even more disturbing. This fear is causing immense stress. I'm trying to manage this stress and pain not only through therapy but also through my usual social activities. I am going out with my friends again. Last month, I participated in a local club-level sports tournament with my friends. This is an annual event that my wife and I participate in every year. This year, playing felt different. It was fun and a much-needed distraction for both me and my wife. We bonded in a new way during the tournament. For a while, we set aside our marital issues and focused on something fun, lighthearted, and passionate.

Despite these positive developments, I feel conflicted and scared. I worry that something bad might happen again. I'm scared of getting intimately close to her again. What if she hurts me again? What if these triggers I experience get stronger and last longer as I grow closer to her?

My therapist says I shouldn't let this fear undermine the progress we've made in our marriage. I understand that this is a phase I have to go through. I know I can't go back to trusting her without feeling fear and anxiety. I know I should focus on healing, self-care, and that giving in to this fear is counterproductive to my healing. But knowing and feeling are two different things.

I'm seeking wisdom from others. How do I deal with this feeling? Am I being unreasonable with my wife? She has never verbally complained about my fear and hesitation to get intimate with her again, but I can see her frustration and annoyance growing.

30 comments posted: Tuesday, September 3rd, 2024

She burnt me with her twin flame.

A month ago, I (34M) discovered my wife (33F) of 6 years is having an affair for god knows how long. Her AP is her college friend and also a coworker. I knew this guy personally and met him a few times during social gatherings. He is single.

I am utterly devastated. The last time I felt close to this level of pain was when my grandma died during COVID. She was the closest thing I had. I was a troubled kid with a lot of anger issues, and understandably, my parents were angry at me most of the time. I had done many stupid things in my teen years. My grandma was the only one who had my back all those times. I loved her more than anyone, and losing her gave me an unforgettable pain that has been surpassed by the pain of my wife's affair. Around that time, my wife had a miscarriage and lost our first child. So yeah, double pain for me.

Miscarriage led my wife into depression, and lockdown made it worse. So, I worked from home for a year while simultaneously managing household chores to help assist my wife. She had left her job during pregnancy. That added to her stress. I was there for her emotionally and physically as much as she needed throughout that year. We both went to therapy. We both read books to heal. I took her to my grandma's village house for a change in environment, peace, etc. All these activities worked. She was getting back to her old self. I was healing, too. Also, every year, I go to a yoga and meditation center for a week or two to meditate, manage my anger, and have more control over my emotions. I have been going there for the last nine years. I took my wife too for the past 4 years. It helped us immensely that particular year.

So, after a year and a half since her miscarriage, she felt healed and recovered and decided to go back to the job field. I thought it was a good idea. So, I encouraged her to go. She then joined a firm with a help of her college friend's recommendation. He also works there. I thought we were past our difficult times. All of that changed a month ago when I made a horrible discovery. I was furious. I immediately left home and stayed at my friend's house for a few days. I was scared of losing control over my anger.

I feared I might do something stupid. I wanted to confront her. I wanted to beat the sh*t out of him. I wanted to kick my wife out of my house. I was thinking of many ugly ways to do them. That really scared me. So, I called the yoga center and informed them that I was coming there to stay and meditate for 30 days. I felt that was my only safe place. I had to control my anger to avoid doing something that I might regret later. I wish my grandma was here. She would definitely have some sage advice for me. She knew how to handle me and save me from my own anger. Meanwhile, my wife was panicking and desperately calling almost every hour. I told her that I wasn't in my right mind and needed time and a safe place away from her to calm myself down and get some clarity on what to do next. I didn't talk to her about her affair. I didn't ask her any questions regarding it, although she was very desperate to ‘explain’ everything. I didn't want to hear any of it. Not then. Not now.

So, I came to the yoga center and have been staying there for the past 27 days. I told my wife to call me only when there's an emergency, and I asked her to respect my safe place. Fortunately, she has been cooperative on both.

Right now, I am doing better. I won't lie, the initial days here were pretty rough on me, but pretty soon I found peace and calmness in my erratic and disturbed mind. I was trying not to think about my wife's affair until today. But, since I will be leaving my home after the next 3 days and have to decide what I want, I started thinking about everything that happened. I am trying to decide which course I should take and, most importantly, what I actually want. I am really struggling between what I want and what is good for me. I am confused and frustrated. So, we need help, insights, advice, etc.

I have a simple question for both those who chose R and D. What did you realistically expect from the choice you made?? And how did you make that choice?? How did you know this was what you wanted? ?

How bad is this betrayal? Although it's been more than a month since my dday, I have not spent a single day with my wife since then. So, I don't know how painful and difficult living with her will be.

I loved her. still do. But I am scared of her. I am scared of who she might have become. She is scared of the whole truth of her affair. I am scared it will destroy me completely. How did you all deal with this fear of the unknown??

And we don't have children.

Sorry for this long and chaotic post. Any advice is welcome. 🙏

177 comments posted: Saturday, November 25th, 2023