SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Been married for 7 years together for 8 have 2 children from previous relationship 2 with him and one on the way. Back in May I discovered my husband was on multiple dating sites as he fell asleep with his phone in has hand he works nights all the messages seemed fresh and he told me that he made a mistake and was low in his self confidence and just wanted a boost although I was sceptical at this point after a few days of me being mad I let it go. I fund most of the household because alot of the time he runs short on the bills which is already a big stress factor.

3 months later we went on a family summer holiday which I had to fully fund his part as he was unable to afford it.  A few days into our holiday he fell asleep. I saw he was messaging over 10 woman. All them was just starting but one in particular caught my eye, he was telling her, the feelings he had for her were really deep and that he would cut of all the girls he was talking to. He also mentioned that if he didn't have her he didn't have anything.

I spoke to the girl he was talking to and she told me about the all sneaky conversations they were having. Including phone sex and sending each other sex tapes, she described them to me and it was me in the sex tapes he has also confirmed them although my face wasn't in them I feel really violated and betrayed because I trusted so deeply with this. He told her everything we intimate and on one particular day I  though was special he told her he was thinking of her. They have only been speaking for 2 weeks. He has never met her, although they were supposed to meet at some point but she was unable to. He told her he felt forced into marriage with me and that he was with me for the kids sake. He spoke so negatively about me told her so many things about our relationship.

He says it's all a mistake he regrets so deeply and loves me. I just feel so hurt I can't stop thinking about it, and I'm pregnant my emotions are really high.

Welcome to SI, the greatest club nobody wants to join. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum as well as some with bull's eye icons that we encourage new members to read. The Healing Library is at the top of the page and has a lot of great information, including the list of acronyms that we use.

I'm so sorry that you're here. Infidelity pain is the worst, and it takes years to heal. If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be very helpful for you. Your WH (wayward husband) needs IC to dig into his whys and to become a safe partner. What he told you are excuses and crappy ones at that. He needs to get How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a nice blueprint to get him started. Another good book for the two of you is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. If your WH wants to R (reconcile), then he needs to do the major work, and that should include therapy.

For you, please take care of yourself and your children. If you think there's a chance that he's been physical with them, then you will both want to be tested for STDs/STIs because there are some nasty ones out there that can turn to cancer.

If you have trouble with depression or sleeping, speak with your doctor to see if there's anything that you can take. The meds can be helpful in the short-term and you won't necessarily need to be on them for the rest of your life.

He says it's all a mistake

A mistake is forgetting to grab a gallon of milk at the grocery store. He has made deliberate choices to betray you. Also, sending your private time videos to others is illegal, at least where I'm from. It is a huge betrayal.

He has also done something very common for cheaters. He has re-written your marital history and has been bad mouthing you to the APs (affair partners). Right out of the Cheaters Handbook (a mythical book we'll mention that doesn't really exist).

You may wish to go see a lawyer or two to see what D (divorce) would look like for you. Knowlege is power, and having an understanding of what it would look like would give you power. You don't have to decide anything or do anything today, but maybe think about it. We're here to help you out of infidelity, whether it's R or D.

Welcome to SI, the best club you never wanted to join. Great advice from leafields. I think you alluded to the fact that you are currently pregnant. Please take care of yourself and your unborn as well as your other children. Your WH’s infidelity is not a mistake. He is deliberately cheating and gaslighting you. Get tested for STDs. See am attorney to learn your rights. His explanation for cheating are pathetic and insulting. He is not remorseful, just sorry he got caught.

It is vital that you take care of you. Realize that nothing you did or didn’t do caused him to cheat. He cheated because of his own brokenness and lack of integrity. He is pursuing multiple women and has betrayed your intimacy. You should get into IC hopefully with someone trained in betrayal trauma to help you cope with the trauma of his betrayal. Take care of your health and be there for your children. Never forget that you are the prize. You deserve a loving and faithful partner. Your WH has tons of work to do on himself. He needs intense IC to delve how he could betray his pregnant BW and children. His actions are supremely selfish and despicable. Always value yourself. Demand a timeline of all of his infidelity. Total honesty and transparency. Cheaters lie a lot. There may be more that you are not aware of.

Keep posting. Many have been where you are and will give you strong support. Sending strength.

Thank you both for the replys, I'm trying to keep calm for the sake of the children and my unborn baby, its really hard its been 2 weeks since normally I'm a tough one to crack but right now I feel broken and can't talk about it without bursting into tears. He went to deeper into excuses explaining that its because he has been a terrible husband and hasn't been taking care of his family that he felt the need to live a fantasy life, so that they didn't truly know who was and he could pretend to feel better. Instead of putting work in on us. He tells me he loves me and would never do it again and things will change. But I can't get it out of head it feels like its haunting me. I have been tested as I know there is High possibility he was intimate with others atp I don't trust a word he says. What he did violating my privacy whilst I'm already self conscious is illegal but I don't want to pursue anything for the sake of my kids.

Live a fantasy life is an excuse. Not a reason to cheat though most cheaters will use it to validate their reason for doing so.

What is inexcusable is sending private moments/tapes of you to other women.

I don’t have advice on how you get past that or begin to trust him/relationship/promises/his word again.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I would urge you to get counseling for yourself as soon as you can. I think that is the only logical step right now.

Hoo boy! You are married to a man with a very strong compulsion/addiction and all the promises in the world won’t change him just because he says he will. He needs intense therapy with someone whose expertise is sex addiction. He also needs group therapy.

Nothing will change otherwise.

Another point you might want to understand.

Often it’s not the affair or cheating that ruins the marriage. It is the behavior (of the cheater) after Dday (discovery day) that kills the marriage.

I don’t know how you are going to experience the joy of birth knowing all you now know about the father of your baby.

I hope you have or can find a good therapist. That is what I believe you need right now.

Sorry for your troubles, Heartbroken. I can’t say anything new that has already been said about taking care of you and your unborn baby first. My addition is that to stay vigilant to see if he drops his guard and does it again. Don’t reveal your sources as you might go onto the phone company and check the numbers he has been texting. I know this because my husband was sorry (sorry that he got found out) not really sorry about his actions as he continued it five years later, off and on. It will take time for you to heal, and you might accept your new normal in your marriage. I stare at a man daily who I can’t trust fully, but I love him because he was a good person before he started down this path of his. He doesn’t know this, but I don’t keep his secret…I’ve told people on his side of the family because after all, I want them to see the real him. That is my payback for now. Hang in there. You found a safe place here.