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[This message edited by user4578 at 7:30 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]

User4578.

I first hand know how hard it is to have someone you love in a band, around all of the groupies, being the center of attention, being around all of the alcohol and drugs, etc. I am so sorry that you are spiraling. When I first met my H he was already in a band, I didn't realize how serious he was about making it in that industry until it was too late, I was pregnant. I ended up leaving him when my first daughter was 6 months because I couldn't handle sitting at home , looking at his fb and seeing all of the girls photos he was stalking, the inappropriate messages much like you're saying.
Fast forward 6 months he begged for us to come back and said he would change yadayada, he did for a little bit but was constantly back and forth with that band and then finally a few years ago joined another band and he started getting serious again. I swear he clung to anything to make him feel worthy, he couldn't just feel worthy enough being a dad, a husband, and a provider (of course he wasn't the provider) I was.

Looking back I can see how absolutely unhealthy it was for me to sit around while he chased this hobby, this dream, that took and took from my mental health and it stole time from my children, robbed me of my hobbies, and he changed who he was as a person being around it. His AP actually went to one of his shows (the first show our oldest daughter has ever seen him play she is 10). After that show, much later I found out he went back to her house.

I don't want to thread jack so I will keep it short (there is so much more under the surface) like that but just enough so you know that I can relate and what I am going to say next is something you said that is impossible but I will tell you how I started to feel somewhat safe again.

I dropped my husband off a few months after Dday to get pick up his motorcycle because he was getting his tires fixed. I remember before he got out of the car I just threw out my words and it came out like vomit but I knew my limits, I knew what I expected and I knew then what I would and wouldn't tolerate anymore.

I said " You can't be in a band anymore, if you stay then I am leaving" He looked at me and you would have thought I kicked him in the guts. He sat there for about a minute in silence and asked me if I meant forever. I told him that it meant for a very very very long time and if I was ever ok with it, I don't see it being in the next 10 years. I told him that our children need to live their lives, they need to have hobbies, I don't want him around sex, drugs, and people with crappy morals (some of his band mates). I told him that I wouldn't hate him if he chose to continue the band but I would know that was my sign to walk away and at the end of the day he would regret choosing this over his kids. (he had been trying to make it for almost 15 years)

My husband hasn't picked up his guitar in months and he is thinking of pawning most of his gear, his passion for music fell to the wayside when he looked and realized that for most of his life he has missed the big things, he jeopardized his marriage, not because of the band per say but because he was selfish. He was out there people pleasing everyone else but us , the ones that mattered the most. He spent money we didn't have and he let his kids down.
My oldest daughter still talks about her daddy being a "rock star" she watches his music videos online and shows all of her friends, I know in those moments my H struggles a little because he loved playing but in my husbands case he loved it for the wrong reasons. I will always be ok with him playing at the house for the kids or even maybe down the road being one of those older guys in a cover band at a family establishment but nothing like he was doing before.

So instead he picked up golfing, a solo sport he can do with our daughter , close to home and something that pleases no one but himself.

I guess I typed all of that to let you know I get it, we all have our limits and I know you said your partner can't just stop being in the band and maybe that is for financial reasons? But you're asking how to stop spiraling when he is away and I know the band scene very well, I am not sure you will ever feel safe again, especially after he has proved to be untrustworthy. I know that I would have supported him for afar if he stayed in his band but the kids and I wouldn't have been a part of it anymore, my mental health and our lives needed to come first and I know if I wouldn't have given in I wouldn't have been happy.
I hope you find a way to not spiral but really I think it will only come with time and him consistently showing you that you and the kids come first, maybe you should also look into finding more hobbies just for you and build a good friend group?

The A changes things for both people involved and there are consequences of the A for both people. I know I don't have to tell you the consequences we face as the one being betrayed.

The consequence for my H is that I finally stood up for myself and our children and put up my boundaries, I found my voice , I didn't waiver and I am turning into a very strong person that takes no bullshit.
I actually joked with him as much as I can joke being this depressed and I said "Ya know if you didn't have this affair you would still be in a band, going out whenever you wanted to but here we are."
He never gets upset by that comment, instead he agrees that the second chance we gave him means more than anything else he could possibly be doing and if he forgets that one day and jeopardizes us again in any way , I know I will walk.

I hope you find your strength to stand up and do what you need to do for yourself, whatever that is. I hope that over time he shows you how much you mean to him , just remember people that have affairs are inherently selfish. Sometimes they won't do the right things right away and they don't change overnight. Sometimes they need to feel the consequences of their actions , at least my H did. I still catch him being selfish over dumb things and I call him out every single time.

I will be thinking about you these next few weeks because I have felt exactly like you feel now, sending strength!

I am sorry - this stinks for you all.

All I see at the minute is telling him he either quits or I'm done, in which case he would no doubt walk.

This sentence speaks volumes of where he is at to heal and R your relationship.

I was just reading about a musician who had retired from the industry way to early. I never knew what happened. He said that alcohol was common on the road and he ended up cheating. He said the one night he actually saw the devil. He said he instantly walked away from it all because he knew he was going to lose his M. He never looked back.

Bottomline: we all know if one is going to step out, it doesn't matter if they are away or home; they will find a way. He has to be committed to reconciling your relationship.

I feel like if we had stayed separated, I wouldn't even be thinking about this, I would be getting on with my life instead of constantly thinking of what he's doing.

Maybe you can focus on THIS? What helped ME was to have an exit plan. I am a stay-at-home-wife. So I went out and got a checking account and credit card in my name only. Then I bought a newer vehicle in my name only as well. I put extra money in the checking account...enough to where I could live off of until I could get on my feet in case I left suddenly. Once I had everything in place for me to be able to LEAVE...I was able to focus on what to do in order for me to STAY .

What do YOU feel you need in case you WANT to leave? You can start working on that NOW . It doesn't mean you ever have to ACT on it...but it is something that will give you freedom to CHOOSE...and not leave it up to your partner. It will give you something to do while he is away as well...and will let you know that you CAN leave IF that is your CHOICE. Knowledge is POWER Dear Lady...and you will be amazed at how much power you will get by doing this !

I quit my job to be able to follow my H on his traveling jobs. I had to come back to the States for a family emergency. My H was left alone working overseas and that was when he found the opportunity to have his A...thinking that since I wouldn't know...it wouldn't hurt me. What he didn't think about was the immense GUILT that came from cheating . He confessed two days after he came back home.

I was like you...how in the world could I quiet my mind if/when my H found himself in the same situation??? I made the decision that I was NOT going to be a babysitter. I WAS THE TREASURE ! You can read about why I wrote that sentence on page 9 of the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread that is pinned at the top of the Reconciliation Forum ! I had my "Plan B" (my exit plan)...my H KNEW it...and IF he wanted to lose this precious treasure...that was on HIM. I KNEW I would be fine either way.

The thing is Dear Lady...the situation DID happen again and I found myself at home while my H was working overseas again. I was nervous...my limbic system was doing its job in trying to protect me. But my H held true to his word and actually HELPED to calm my lizard brain by giving me a GOOD experience while he worked overseas . You may want to read up about our limbic system and how it affects our instinctive fight, flight, or freeze responses. It really helped me to understand why my body acted the way it did at certain times.

Another thing...consequences. Remember that word. Your partner has to face the consequences to his ACTIONS. It is as simple as that. If you feel that you can't continue in this relationship as long as your partner continues doing what he is doing...then he has to stop. YOU aren't making your partner leave something that he LOVES. HE has to face the consequences of his actions. WE ALL DO. If HE resents YOU for him leaving something he loves...what is the difference between that and YOU resenting HIM for staying in a situation that broke your heart? CONSEQUENCES.

I gave my H ultimatums on Dday. I told him that he didn't have to agree to ANY of them...but if he didn't agree to EVERY ONE...I was GONE. I meant it. This is where your exit plan will HELP. I didn't actually have an exit plan on Dday...it took a few months for me to get it together...so my lizard brain was in overdrive that day ! It was acting on my experience from when my 1st H cheated on my almost 30 years to the DAY that my 2nd H did. One thing I learned from that M was that the STUPID "Pick-me-dance" never works. NEVER.

YOU have time Dear Lady . Time to grieve your terrible loss of what you thought you had. Time to recover from this horrible trauma. Time to plan your exit. Time to work your plan. Time to decide your future. Take all the time you NEED Dear Lady . When YOU feel it is time to make a move...your GUT will let you know. ALWAYS trust your GUT!

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[This message edited by user4578 at 7:30 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]

user4578...ahhhh...then you are already halfway there !!! Oh yes Dear Lady...definitely make that list!! What I did later was make a list of what I wanted MY life to look like . It was actually kind of FUN! I put in anything and everything...even things that this old Cajun can't do anymore...but could still DREAM about doing !! Then I honed it and tweaked it until I came up with I wanted a happy and healthy marriage with a loving and faithful spouse.

I then told my H what I wanted MY life path to be going forward. I told him that IF he wanted this too...GREAT. If not...I would find someone who DID want to walk this path with me! He told me that this was what HE wanted too. So we had this PLAN to work on...and this PATH to walk on...and we started doing it TOGETHER .

I LOVE your last message to me...thanks for that . I don't know how your partnership will go...but I KNOW that YOU will do just fine !!!

My FWH is/was a drummer. It’s how he and COW connected since she is also a musician. They had hookups after gigs as well. I loved music as much as him and was a singer. Now, not so much. It brought out the absolute worst in my husband. When I was in a band without him I was disciplined, didn’t drink, and was wary of flatterers. I told my fwh I always felt I had him and my daughter on my shoulders watching me so I wasn’t going to do anything to mess that up. Him, nope. He LOVED the adulation. As a result we no longer play and rarely listen to music.
I have no solutions for you other than get out of infidelity and the circumstances which make it possible. If he does choose the band, well, you have your answer. He might be a great musician but truly, they are everywhere. I have old friends in music that have done very well. One even played in Robert Plants’ Band of Joy. He might have an awesome cover band but it’s just that, a cover band. None of it amounts to the richness of a loving family and partner.
Good luck. We are all here for you.

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[This message edited by user4578 at 7:31 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]

Yes, he quit playing due to the infidelity and it bringing out the worst in him. Does he miss it? I’m sure to an extent but what he could’ve lost as result of his affair keeps him from pining. In fact, he hates musicians now!

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[This message edited by user4578 at 7:31 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]

user4578

I am happy to answer questions, it is rare indeed to find others in the same boat , musicians are difficult imo.

What happened after you give your partner the ultimatum? Did he take time to think about it? Does he seem resentful at all now or was he at the time? Do you ever feel guilty about it? (Not that you should). Do you feel like you have to make it work now that he's given it all up

As far as did he take time to think about it, no. He agreed but over the course of the next month when he would look at his instruments he would get sad, he moped around a few days and basically was saying he "wasted" so much money on something and didn't get anything in return. Let me be clear in saying that he came to this decision on his own too, he grieved the life he thought he could have, realized it wasn't happening and also learned through his IC and self reflection that the band was never for us it was always for him. It was the high that he got from being the center of attention, it was the "feeling like being a rock star" which I believe really helped feed his warped thinking during his A, he agrees. So yes, I gave him the ultimatum but I believe after looking inside and realizing that it wasn't healthy for him either, he came to the conclusion it couldn't be a part of our lives anymore, concerts, music? Absolutely, the band, nope.
He struggles to listen to music now, which I find a little odd, we changed our taste in music, me because of the A and him because I think music means something differently for him now, he feels it in a different way.

Was he resentful? He was at first but that was because we weren't seeing eye to eye. I thought he was crying because he missed the band and the feeling but he wasn't. He was crying tears because he realized he had wasted a lot of money and turned his back on other hobbies he was very good at to be part of bands that kept breaking up or having issues. He turned his back on baseball, and billiards which he was really good at and threw his time and money in bands for 15 years... I now realize his tears are for his regret in his decisions not so much that he "missed" the band. Does he miss the attention? I am sure he does sometimes but he never brings it up. He actually seems much happier now playing golf where he only has to rely on himself to win, not four other guys who barely have any money to eat.

Do I ever feel guilty? No.
I don't feel guilty because I watched him try to climb to the top for so long and he used the kids and I as stepping stones the entire time, we never came first we were always second, and second is what I am hoping we were at least, we may have been further down his list of priorities, just typing that makes me angry. He had his chance for a long time and I sat by his side through every break up, every last minute gig, every practice that took time away from us, all of his mood swings from the stress, I gave him four beautiful children and they should be his priority now. So no I do not feel guilty, I had to sacrifice when we had kids and just because hes a "man" doesn't mean he has to sacrifice less. He went and got a big boy job and is making good money now and I think it helps him see he always had it in him to just be happy being "normal".

Do I feel like I have to make it work now? No. I don't, he has to try hard to make it work and I have to work on healing myself and possibly forgiving him. If I can't then I still wont' feel bad. All I can do is say that I tried and I am trying very hard. He has told me before that even if I leave him after this down the road he won't be back in a band and he won't go back to his piss poor coping mechanisms, he wants to do the right things for himself too, I think that is the most important thing for me is to know that he is changing because he hates who he was and he doesn't want to live that way for himself or his kids.
If I left him, me telling him he cant be in a band anymore will be the least of my worries.

Something you said stuck out to me

It also just doesn't feel very nice being second best, you know? Like when it came down to it, he started packing his stuff to leave. He chose them, not me. I'm not sure if I'll ever get over that either, the resentment towards it all is too much.

I will never say that I deserved what he did to me and I know that the A was never my fault.
With that being said, I had so much resentment built up towards my H because of this and I didn't see it until after the A. I would post on FB how great our lives were or how great of a dad and H he was but all the while I was harboring this resentment and it got to the point I didn't want to be around him. How I thought that was normal, I will never know. He chose his band over us many, many times, that is the selfishness about him. He used the band just like he used his AP, he didn't really care about those guys I don't think deep down... he needed to fill a hole in him and when that hole wasn't being filled he moved on to the next band or the next hobby. We both talked and I told him that I will support him golfing as a hobby but we are done with anything if this doesn't work for a while because clearly he needs to fix what is inside.

Crazycat lady

Yes, he quit playing due to the infidelity and it bringing out the worst in him. Does he miss it? I’m sure to an extent but what he could’ve lost as result of his affair keeps him from pining. In fact, he hates musicians now! shocked

It really does bring out the worst in some of them and that is how my H is, he is slowly not liking musicians or actors especially surrounding infidelity... hypocritical of course but maybe that means he sees how traumatic infidelity is.

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[This message edited by user4578 at 7:32 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]

I would not do this while he is away.

this is something I think you should do in person and I think you need time to really sit and figure out the best way to do it and be serious and unwavering. Sounds like he may throw roadblocks in your way too.

The way that I look at it is you mentioned that you were going to put a note in his backpack and then took it out because you are all over the place, take these next few weeks and really sit in it and then do it when he is back.

I don't think that is something that should be done while he is on the road , when you told him it was ok to go. I don't mean that in a bad way, so please don't take it that way but it looks like a lot of spiraling and back and forth (common) and it will to him too.

I agree that he shouldn't have went, especially so soon after his A. You should have came first.

I remember the third week after his A he told me he was going to resume practicing and I fell to my knees and sobbed, (He used practice as an excuse to go see her some weeks). He had the audacity to tell me " it has been almost a month you should be ok now."

I fell apart before his eyes, I didnt get out of bed for weeks, how could he think " I should be ok now"

He didnt go that day and he never went again, he told the lead singer what he did, he got out of the band that day.

Trauma is real... consequences are inevitable...

At this point, all that shit he is doing should take the back burner for as long as it needs to for you both to heal.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 8:16 PM, Thursday, July 25th]

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[This message edited by user4578 at 7:32 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]

I don't think you are impatient, I think you are in unimaginable pain and want it to end. I agree with Groot 1988, this needs to be done in person. The sooner the better. I hope he makes the right choice. It's a sobering decision but it will lead you out of infidelity one way or another.

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[This message edited by user4578 at 7:32 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]

I had a huge heart to heart with my FWH yesterday. The cheating took place for about al of 2006. yeah, I'm that far out however, the FOW still tried to contact him this May. Yeah, two months ago. On Facebook messenger. And it's not the first time either. She's tried multiple times even though he blocked her. Anyway, it brought all the horror of that year right back to square one.
My FWH took quite awhile before he could see the narcissistic evil of his and her actions. I suspect your WH has no idea the damage he has done and cannot conceive of quitting the band over something he has apologized for. But---as I've already mentioned---it's going on 18 years for me and that pain is still there when the swamp witch reappears.
Your WH has no idea he detonated a thermonuclear device when he thinks he just farted. The fallout will take YEARS regardless of what you choose to do. Yes, at this point it is your decision. It fucking hurts to be in that awful place. So cruel that the one who gets cheated on never gets a break, goes from one shit sandwich to another, all the while grieving the past, present, and future.
Be kind to yourself. This will workout eventually. Although I still have dark days my FWH has been a jewel. I pray yours wakes up and sees what really matters.

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[This message edited by user4578 at 7:32 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]

We are all here for you. This site saved me and I suspect it will help you as well. A one night stand? That's bad but not as bad as a full on affair. That might be why your husband minimizes it, it was "just one time". All it takes is one time to destroy everything. And while it might seem to him that is was just one time , it wasn't. There had to be desires, flirting, planning, etc and the days after as well. He might think it was a "mistake" but it was a selfish calculated series of choices.
Good luck.