I actually ask my H this sometimes because it is still something that I can not really grasp and not sure I will ever be able to.
He tells me that when he left this home , the kids and I weren't even a thought, all he thought about was getting his "high" from her. To be put on a pedastal and told how great he was and if he thought about us or the shit H and father he was being then it would ruin his high.
He tried to tell me that when he was home with us he didn't think of her much but I don't think I believe that , he said he would think about the feelings he got from her but not her, so maybe that is more believable, IDK.
What I do know is that he told me he answered a few of my calls while being with her at dinner... how he can take a call from me about our children while sitting with that trash? I won't ever get that or how she could sit there and feel good about what she was doing either.
He told me that he never was going to leave, she was an escape and it helped him numb the pain he had from his own internal issues (not feeling good enough, people pleasing, not making enough money , etc) He said that the high at the time was more important than the kids and I,
. That he enjoyed being "bad" not only was it forbidden bc we were married, but they also worked together so there was the thrill of that and getting caught.
Now while I guess I can believe that, it doesnt make it easier to swallow the pill that he COULD do something so despicable. I think as a BS we won't ever be able to understand the HOW even if we get the WHY. the WS makes up crap in their own head, put themselves before anyone else (AP included).
The further my H gets away from what he did the harder it is for him to be able to discuss it without feeling sick, or wanting to cry, the amount of lies he told himself about me and the kids are all coming down and he is seeing for the first time how truly blessed he is to be here, especially bc he doesnt deserve to be.
Now this:
I don’t get it. And now she’s struggling understanding why I don’t trust her fully yet, why I get triggered when I see a long text message she’s typing to someone, or any time she mentions meeting a new man at work or whatever.
I do not get this, she had a 3 year A and she is struggling with why you don't fully trust her? She has proven that she can do something so horrible to you, she should be thankful you're still with her and trying. I think I would be a little concerned about her behavior if I was you, this doesn't sound good. (sorry, not trying to be hurtful) Maybe in the beginning before remorse sets in but not during R.
I have some strict expectations with my H around this and my triggers, he doesn't take his phone in the bathroom or in the shower, he has an open phone policy where i can read whatever i want when i want, if he is texting someone and i feel uncomfortable, he shows me what he is typing and who it is to, no social media, no lunches or anything with women at work, life 360 on his phone, porn blockers, etc.
He actually came up with several ideas on his own ^ to make me feel safe and to make me even want to give R a chance.
They did this to us, these are the consequences they face because of them (not forever) but for a long time. Ill never be ok with friends of the opposite sex but maybe one day he will be able to listen to music in the shower, who knows but he doesn't complain bc he knows he did it to himself.
I wish you the best of luck on this shitty ride and I hope your W starts to come around and see that what you are even offering is a gift that you dont have to give and actually can take back whenever you see fit.