Topic is Sleeping.
InkHulk ( member #80400) posted at 8:43 PM on Wednesday, May 22nd, 2024
You are under no obligation to be fully transparent to him about your thoughts or even intentions of leaving. Those are your very natural and appropriate thoughts to this fucked up situation. Sharing our intimate thoughts with others is a privilege others gain thru trust and shared vulnerability, things he has utterly failed in. Make your plans, he is not entitled to know them, it does not make you deceptive in any moral sense.
People are more important than the relationships they are in.
BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 9:15 PM on Wednesday, May 22nd, 2024
No, it's not deceptive to not share your plans for leaving and for getting your ducks in the row with the guidance of an attorney before filing for divorce. In your case, discretion is 100% necessary for the safety and well-being of yourself and your children.
BW, 40s
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried
I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.
HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 9:35 PM on Wednesday, May 22nd, 2024
potentially physically abusive
There is no "potentially." He has been physically abusive. He also "lightly slaps" the kids. CPS got involved. He blames all of this on her. She believes he won't physically hurt her,or the kids,again,because he's scared of legal problems.
But you are what you did
And I'll forget you, but I'll never forgive
The smallest man who ever lived..
HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 7:06 PM on Friday, June 7th, 2024
But you are what you did
And I'll forget you, but I'll never forgive
The smallest man who ever lived..
Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 9:26 PM on Saturday, June 8th, 2024
Hope you are ok.
When I see this kind thinking from waywards, it reads like pure manipulation and deflection of responsibility. So I like to call it BS. He should own his choices. Which means working through what people know and proving to himself he can.
One thought. If this happened to one of your kids, how would you advise them? Or a good friend.
Good luck.
Lemonpie (original poster member #84129) posted at 10:06 AM on Sunday, June 9th, 2024
Thank you both for checking in. Things are better I feel a lot better. We have had some good conversations recently about whether to split. My husband has said he needs to be loved and if I can’t give it to him we should split. I think we both realised the environment was toxic for the kids.
We have talked about how splitting this would look as we live in a very expensive area which neither of us would be able to afford solo so want to keep the children’s best interests. He has been helping a lot more with the kids and there has been less fighting.
I have also pointed out to him when he was calm about him not wanting me to invite people that know about the A and whom I was very negative to them about him. He told me the reason for this is that he feels such a deep shame and that everyone sees him as this villain and it is a really hard place to be. He admits he gets a bit controlling when he feels things are out of control so at least that is good and he has been drinking less. I have been encouraging him to get out more which he has not relying on me so much.
Anyway, I don’t plan anything drastic until the kids finish school which isn’t until July so at the moment just trying to keep the environment ok for them, take each day as it comes.
Topic is Sleeping.
