SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Absolution,

No, actually D is not my friend. At least in my area D does not favor a working dad/husband who is the sole provider. Infidelity will not even be a consideration in a no fault state. Due to my work, out of the last ten years I’ve been gone for about 6 added all together. I’m just now in a place where I can be home with my kids daily, and D will greatly decrease that, among many other consequences. I have a fantastic lawyer, but I will not come out in a place where I want to be at this point in my life. Very unlikely I’d even get 50/50. My W and I are doing better and for us/kids it’s still worth trying.

TRDD,

Yes, selfishness is absolutely a key factor. WW is still selfish and entitled in many ways, though I will admit she is slowly seeing her self and realizing that she has this problem and needs to solve it, and not just for me, but for her relationship with our kids as well. Especially our oldest who has been physically and emotionally hurt by her A. That was a huge dose of reality that she is still struggling with.

Ink,

Hope all is going as well as it can for you. I appreciate the support as always.

Hope all is going as well as it can for you. I appreciate the support as always.

Not sure if you can call that "support", but I can hope it made you smile for a hot second. But you will have my support and sympathy for as long as we are both posting about this shit. Stay strong, friend.

I have not been on this site in months. But I also ask myself why did she have to be so cruel? I can't answer that because nothing else in her life or relationship with others indicates a capacity for such cruelty. So it seems it was really personal. Although I am still in the marriage, I am checked out 1/3 of the time. She still lies, she still manipulates me emotionally. I already know the answer, I should be gone already. I am giving myself until January 2025. I am also starting to make preparations for my departure, little things, but still things that empower me.
The continued lies, the memory lapses, inability to listen to my pain without getting defensive, along with the emotional blackmail are getting to be too much. We have not moved forward, although we have had a few good moments and great sex. I don't think she can help herself, she is totally impulsive. I have expressed to my therapist that I now desire D instead of R, and I am still very uncomfortable with the prospect of being alone. If money were not an issue it would be a lot easier. But the reality is I will be poor, just enough for rent and food. No vacations, no frills. And yet I will probably be happier in that situation than I am right now. In limbo.

She invited her affair partner's parents to a holiday party at her parents house. She invited her AP and significant other to my birthday celebration at a local restaurant. I do not see how someone could do this to someone they claim to have loved. I can get past a lot, but these two things are probably going to be the cause of the D. The timing will be on my terms, not hers.

Divorce is your friend.

^^^ This

I never could get past the cruelty towards me during his A with MOW. I couldn't get past his no empathy for the pain he had caused me, the lying or the gaslighting. The DARVO and the continuous cheating. It is said it is not the A that kills the M but what happens after it is discovered (and also how you were treated during it).

Too much to heal from and to try to forgive. It's not worth it.

@HellisNOTHalfFull

I recall during one of the mediation sessions having the mediators (females) who while being professional were getting more "disturbed and annoyed" about my XW. They actually told us (my lawyers and myself) that my X was saying some things that were pretty bad about me, but they basically didn't believe it. It honestly took my breath away a bit, I was trying to suppress as I didn't want to embarrass myself to show that it actually had hurt me, but it was noticed by all of the them.

They actually commented after a moment or so that they knew what we are dealing with the X. However I remember that moment even today.

It cost her in the end, as I hardened quite a bit toward her during the next session.

I bring that memory into my mind's eye whenever she was pulling the reconciliation card. I recommend you remember it well, it is who they are when push comes to shove.

I don't know why they do it, I guess because they don't want to be the villain of the story.

It's part of the narrative a ws tells themselves.

During the affair, in order not to feel guilty there is this reiteration of why I felt entitled and some of that was really picking apart things I didn't like about my husband, and then making them bigger in my head. It comes on like a pile on. "Oh remember this, remember that", it's all to excise the shame and guilt of what I was doing.

And then, I agree with Lea a lot of it is just not wanting to own their shit, noone likes to be the bad guy but for a ws, it touches a place of deep shame and admitting the behaviors out loud as a result is very complicated because when you are in your shame you can't be in your courage.

I didn't do the gaslight/lie thing after confessing. But, I didn't get caught out. It ended, and I had two months of therapy before confessing or I am certain that the pattern I was in would have led to the same behaviors. They were only bi-passed because I had the time to acclimate to what a colossal mess I had created. I was already here before confessing, so I was reading about this by all the bs who were going through it at the time. If it weren't for that, I definitely had thrown him under the bus in my mind and he would have been exposed to that more than he was.

Keep in mind though, that history rewriting was about me, not really about my husband. I understand how painful it is to hear those thoughts or to be told those things, because it's victim blaming and that is so cruel. I dealt with that with my husband's affair because I caught him and he did not have time to acclimate. Some of what he said about me or thought about me was accurate, and that's why I just didn't see the hope in trying. It was like all the good things that I was doing was erased, but in his situation I erased them. It still was a different face than what I was being presented with.

This is what we call cheaters handbook because it's common behavior, and you didn't cause it. It's what I posted the other day, the distorted thinking caused a narrative to come into play. As a wife, it is my job to not only look after my happiness but to focus on the best things about him, and be gracious with the rest. This was my failure, not his.

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:41 PM, Monday, May 20th]

She has no respect for you. She loves the POSOM. Women only give loyalty to one man. She chose him. FACTS.
I get it now. went through it 8 years ago. Brutally cold and vicious. You still want to save your delusion, as did I. You love your wife. She no longer exists. I'm not trying to be cruel. It hurts in ways I wouldn't believe possible. You will cling to this delusion for a while. Then you will realize... fully. SHE BETRAYED YOU. I hope you start to heal and move on quicker than I did.
Peace brother.

23,

I don’t care if she lost her respect for me, that’s her problem. During the A yeah she did, and at the time I was distraught trying to get it back. And yeah during the A, she absolutely thought she loved AP. The pick me dance. Now, after all I’ve been through, I have done nothing to deserve her losing respect. I really hate when people say a cheating spouse and it’s almost always cheating wives, lose respect for their husbands. There’s a hint that the BH is somehow responsible for it, and no none of us are. I’m at a place now where if my W doesn’t see how damn good she has it and thinks another man can make it better then she can get gone. 2 years into R, she actually has realized how bad she messed up and has started to painfully understand that everything was her, her fault, her problem.

Im not holding on to what once was. I am trying to rebuild with the new information I have. I made this post more to just vent, because it hurts how cruel she was. Seems to be a universal experience and helps to know that others understand.

I really hate when people say a cheating spouse and it’s almost always cheating wives, lose respect for their husbands. There’s a hint that the BH is somehow responsible for it, and no none of us are. I’m at a place now where if my W doesn’t see how damn good she has it and thinks another man can make it better then she can get gone.

And to me, this is real badassery from a betrayed spouse. This is just my opinion, but I say we are all too fucked up in the head in the first year to be making life changing decisions. Choosing quick summary divorce, while it sounds decisive and strong, can be a knee jerk reaction and cut off fertile options for your future. But what HINHF just put to words, this is the stance of a person who has done the work to heal enough, see things as they are, and give a go at what he wants, knowing that it is not entirely within his control to get it.
HIMHF (and Marine as well), you impress the living shit out of me. Keeping giving it hell.