SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The person that I loved like my own body, my person, betrayed me, deceived me, wrecked me in ways I could have never imagined before living it. I’m watching her fade in the rear view mirror of my life, so there are no new wounds being inflicted. But fuck I’m a beat down version of myself.

How does trust regrow in such scorched earth? I fear becoming so jaded and closed so as to never give a new person a chance. I know it’s all still fresh and I need time. But I’d like to hear from you all what it looked like to come back to trust enough to love well again.

I totally get it, my W is the most proper lady I know, other than my own mother. My W does not use profanity, she’s the church lady, she is a sweet nurturing, caring person, she is trustworthy and a great mother. If she can do what she did, I don’t rule it out for anyone. I thought I had a unicorn until my rose glasses were shattered.

I really dread my Son getting married (30), he’s not engaged or anything but if it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone.

Should I find myself single down the road, I will never trust anyone enough to M again.

With that said, we are doing well in R, but somethings are gone forever.

Should I find myself single down the road, I will never trust anyone enough to M again.

Well, that helps a whole shit ton

Thanks for the honest perspective.

For myself I give a person trust until they give me reason not to or they break it. My new relationship post infidelity and D has 100% trust, but I know there is a possibility of cheating so I’m not going to be blindsided if it happens again. I’ll be hurt and devastated but I don’t think it will be the earth shattering, and view changing experience it had been with xWS. I also waited to date for almost a year and a half after I left xWS and worked on myself in therapy. I think that helped a lot too with being open to being vulnerable and willing to trust someone new.

I think my personal growth makes me question people and listen to their responses better. Things I would have overlooked 20 years ago would now be deal breakers.

So if someone mentions unmet needs in relation to cheating I would be interested to hear more of what they think. I wouldn’t argue and say ‘I disagree’ but I would listen and chat about it and if they believe unmet needs is a reason to cheat - then i wouldn’t have a romantic relationship with that individual. I would also look at small lies. People pleasing tendencies.

I didn’t need a husband all those years ago. I wanted to share my life with him. I enjoyed his company and thought he was a good person. I’m independent financially. I’m very capable. But I no doubt missed signs and that makes me a bit sad. I saw him as better than he really is.

You will get further and further away from her and will start to heal yourself. When you have healed you will be like CBS said. You will trust until given a reason not to.

This blind trust being gone had saved me a whole bunch of times in my life. I've always been sarcastic so they pair nicely and help create dark humor that keeps me giggling. It has helped with co workers, bosses, and teen kids. I can sniff a lie out from a thousand yards.

I don't find it a bad thing. I'm confident in and trust one person blindly. That is me.

[This message edited by tushnurse at 8:06 PM, Tuesday, May 14th]

I apologize for not exactly answering your question and I acknowledge it’s a great one that I don’t have an answer to. I don’t think I trust anyone to the degree I used to. 🤷‍♀️ That doesn’t really bother me though. The real tragedy is what it did to my daughters who now as young adults just think all men are cheaters and what is a marriage really? If their own father could break their mother’s heart and jeopardize their family then how would any other man love them enough to be loyal? Breaks my heart more than it does his even though it’s all his shame.

Well, that helps a whole shit ton

Lol, it’s just a personal thing for me, I would date and or have a girlfriend, I just wouldn’t marry again.

It’s not just the A, it’s the TT and false R. We are in a good place now and I believe my W and trust my gut. I just wouldn’t want to ever climb this mountain again.

Time and healing, IH. That is the only way.

Time is the part over which you have little control. You just have to "keep going" (cue the saying "when you are going through hell...").

But the healing? That you have control over. Through IC and self improvement, you are going to have to learn how to trust YOURSELF again, so that you don't choose the wrong type of partner. That will be the most challenging part of your healing journey.

Sensitive men will always struggle with this process, and that is okay. Just remember as you are going through this to be kind to yourself. Waywards are not the only ones who deal with shame.

Edit: punctuation.

[This message edited by farsidejunky at 4:16 PM, Tuesday, May 14th]

It’s not just the A, it’s the TT and false R.

Yeah, this. It took long sustained deception and disloyalty, all executed as she witnessed me in anguish, for me to truly break down. Man, I didn’t understand people were capable of that. I probably should have known, but I must have set my father in some kind of "special kind of asshole" category and thought he was an anomaly. Now I don’t know how low people can sink, and for such little incentive.

cue the saying "when you are going through hell...

I think it’s too late to hope the devil doesn’t know I’m there

But the healing? That you have control over. Through IC and self improvement, you are going to have to learn how to trust YOURSELF again, so that you don't choose the wrong type of partner. That will be the most challenging part of your healing journey.

I feel like I don’t even know where to start with this. I can tell myself a story at this point that I married the embodiment of the worst parts of my parents smashed together. How does one stop such deeply ingrained destructive impulses? I’ve read Codependent No More, started No More Mr Nice Guy. FB in its infinite wisdom has a steady stream of videos in front of me of how to be irresistible to women thru practiced indifference. The idea of making a real connection thru the piles of my own shit and how bad I am at being indifferent, it feels daunting. And while I’m sure it will raise eyebrows that I’m even thinking of a future relationship right now, having been in a fully fucked up marriage for at least five years, and mostly fucked up for much longer than that, some genuine contact sounds amazing.

Sensitive men will always struggle with this process, and that is okay. Just remember as you are going through this to be kind to yourself. Waywards are not the only ones who deal with shame.

Who you calling sensitive?

Some days I am kind to myself, some days it all seems too much. You can guess what kind of day today is.

I don’t think I struggle with shame. Either that or I’m like 20 deep IC sessions from revealing it. Or a really long thread, about the same for me.

(Edit to remove some “fucks”, went a bit strong there, even for me)

[This message edited by InkHulk at 4:42 PM, Tuesday, May 14th]

It took long sustained deception and disloyalty, all executed as she witnessed me in anguish, for me to truly break down. Man, I didn’t understand people were capable of that.

TT is having a front row seat to the lies and deception. It’s like having a knife in your back, you can’t reach it, so the WS pulls it out for you, shows it to you, then plunges it into your heart.

InkHulk,

I've read through your story but never commented. To me, it seems you are grieving for your previous idea of marriage and previous idea of self. That's understandable. Questioning everything is understandable. On the other side of infidelity, I found part of this incredibly freeing.

My mother went through being deserted by my father after his infidelity for the other woman when I was a young adult. She did not believe infidelity was a valid reason to end a marriage due to her religious beliefs. She quoted bible scriptures on forgiving 7x70, not just with infidelity but also with his other abuse. During her marriage, she quoted her own father saying "Every married person believes they are giving 90%, and the other spouse is giving 10%. It's normal. Give your 90%". Later, I learned my grandmother left the home when my mother was 6 yrs old and returned when she was graduating high school. I only learned that as an adult from listening to my aunts and uncles that raised my mother. I think it may have been mental issues with my grandmother, but I can't know. My mother had her own trauma and her own family values.

In any case, I married with "'til death do you part". I felt it would be tragic for my children to break up my family. My WS's behavior changed that. I'm free to stay. I'm free to go. My WS knows how I feel. I was relieved when my youngest passed his driver's license test, and we bought them a reliable economy car. I don't lie to my WS. I can go. I can stay. It's freeing. There is no ultimate responsibility. My WS never felt it like I did. He was never "til death". That's ok for now. I'm happy to stay right now, this minute.

With my mother, I was able to have many great times with her that I would not if she had remained married. We travelled together. I took care of her when she was ill. If my father had been involved, I would not have done those things.

If I divorce, I don't think I'll marry again. It doesn't make me sad. I just don't see the point of it. I won't be forming a new family or building a new life with someone. I'm nearly 60 though. I have children who are my family and siblings and friends and even in-laws. It's fine to build all over too. You will figure it out.

Hey Ink,

I agree with the notion that you need to first trust yourself. I’m guessing you don’t right now, as far as picking future relationship partners. At the risk of a banhammer for mentioning anything Christian, but I will since I know that’s your worldview: first order of business is picking a woman who has GOBS of fruit as a true, regenerate believer, over a long period of time. That’s no guarantee she’ll be faithful of course, but I do honestly think it improves your odds to find someone who truly understands what Christian marriage is, and what adultery really means from a spiritual standpoint.

Next, given your experience, if the question of marriage is ever in your future, I can’t imagine the right woman having a problem with an iron-clad pre-nuptial agreement to protect you, at least financially. Any woman who’d have a problem with that at your stage of life and marital experience you should view as a massive red flag.

Don’t overthink this. There really are faithful women out there. You’re a very high quality, high value man. You’re going to be beating them off with a stick lol, so your only challenge will be to stand firm on the above requirements as many compete for your attention. You can do this!

How does trust regrow in such scorched earth?

A person met online who is a counsellor for his airline and who helped me so much in my deepest sorrow when I found out about my husband's betrayal told me that sometimes it is not as much the trust in that person that you need to focus on, but the trust on yourself that if your guts tell you there is something odd, you know IT IS ODD, it is not just a vague idea, it is really there.

I think it’s going forward and never having the naïve belief that just because we love, take care of, support someone, doesn’t mean they cant throw it in our face and rip to the very soul.

I’m still in R, but I no longer feel that just because I do all of that, doesn’t mean WW won’t destroy me again. Personally, I find it ok. If I D or whatever and my marriage ends, I will treat all relationships in the future the same.

No guarantee that you won’t be hurt again

You learn a lot about yourself going through this as a BS. You learn where your blindspots are and why you tolerated the intolerable. Then you dust yourself off and do better going forward. I'm 10 years into my 2nd marriage. After swearing I was done after the first fell apart. It's not perfect as neither of us are, but it amazing to have someone who truly has my back when I need it. I never noticed my ex never did until after. That was my biggest blind spot in my first marriage.

With time and healing, you will regain the ability to love and to trust again.

I applied what I learned from my experience with my ex to better vet future partners. In particular, the things I paid extra close attention to were:

(A) Do his words match his actions (ie, does he keep his promises, follow through on his responsibilities, etc)?

(B) Does he treat people with kindness and respect, regardless of whether he has anything to gain from them?

(C) Is he honest and forthright in all his dealings with others, whether it's business or personal?

(D) How preoccupied is he with how others perceive him?

(E) Does he surround himself with people of integrity? Do I like and respect his close friends and family?

<rant> The last point might seem unfair and trivial, but it was really important to me because my ex's family was such garbage that I didn't care if a new guy Chris Hemsworth's looks, Stephen Hawking's brains, Jeff Bezos's money, and the kind, charitable spirit of Mother Theresa... I would dump him immediately if I didn't like his family. </rant>

In short, your experience with infidelity doesn't doom you to a lifetime of bitterness and distrust. In fact, the wisdom you gain can be used to find a forge a better relationship than you ever thought possible.

To use your metaphor of "scorched earth," some of the most fertile soil in the world can be found at the feet of volcanos.

I’m still in R, but I no longer feel that just because I do all of that, doesn’t mean WW won’t destroy me again. Personally, I find it ok.

I struggle with the mental picture that the outcome of all this will be me just trusting myself and that being good. I still have friends and family that I think I trust just as much, her betrayal doesn’t seem to have tainted that. But the stakes aren’t as high either, so it’s hard to know.

But HINHF, I don’t really understand what you are trying to communicate there. I believe from what you’ve shared that you have a military background. What does trust mean at all to a soldier who has been betrayed and can’t find it in himself to be part of a unit again, to trust his comrades to watch his back? The only option is to become Rambo, an army of one?

I think there is a lot of validity in the calls to learn to trust myself. I’m not comfortable at all right now with the idea of being alone, but it would undoubtedly be growth to develop that. I have some doubts that I’m going to be beating them off with a stick, but a guy can dream.

To use your metaphor of "scorched earth," some of the most fertile soil in the world can be found at the feet of volcanos.

That’s a good word, friend. Just on the right side of corny