SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Unfortunately, I find myself coming here because I just discovered that my wife of almost 10 years was having an online affair. This included sending sexually explicit pictures back-and-forth and secret phone calls of having sex together. Fortunately, (if that is even the right way to put it), it appears as though, they never actually physically hooked up. He lives several hundred miles away. However, she lied when I had found some pictures of her that she had taken and said she was working on her body image and when I saw other snippets of things that she recorded and confronted her, she flat out lied to me. I accidentally found the exchanges by taking her phone out of her hand while she slept to put it on her nightstand and I just happen to look at it. What hurts even more is that since January of this year we both agreed we needed to work on our marriage. I had really been putting forth a lot of efforts and doing things, including individual and couple counseling. She was doing the same in terms of at least participating in it but at the same time this affair was picking up steam. She says she wanted to end the affair, but did not know how. But the reality is if I did not catch it, it would probably still be going on. I don’t know what to do because we have two small children. If even her employer knew what she was doing it would likely mean the loss of her job, plus the embarrassment to others in her family and greater friendship circles. I have not said anything to anyone except for a best friend and I have told her that I have confided in him and she understands that. However, I am still struggling with trying to rebuild trust which, of course I realize is absolutely the number one thing, that a couple needs after infidelity has occurred. I know it is all still fresh yet. I just do not know whether to trust her actions and words. She seems legitimately appalled at her own behaviors and has apologized, nonstop. She is saying all the right things, but I find myself just not sure because I wonder if she truly loves me, (she says she does), or is she just afraid of losing everything else that a divorce would mean? She does say the thought of losing me is not what she would ever want, and that actually being caught is sort of a relief and made her realize what her most important priorities are in her life. I am profoundly in love with her and cannot imagine a life without her. I have never experienced something like this before in my life and I want to stay together but yet this continues to be emotionally draining and it just doesn’t stop.

[This message edited by Rotsaplost at 8:20 PM, Saturday, April 20th]

Just saw your post and as I don't have time to give the response you deserve, There are some posts at the top of the forum that you may find helpful as well as the Healing Library which also has a lot of great resources.

I am very sorry you are here.

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry you're joining us. There are some posts at the top of the forum that we encourage newbies to read. The Healing Library is another great reference and includes the list of acronyms we use. Please be sure to read the Before You Say Reconcile - Recover. R (reconciliation) is a gift you can give your spouse, but you need some time to recover before deciding.

Your WW (wayward wife) should get a copy of How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a nice blueprint for her to start with, as there are some good nuggets in there. She also needs IC (Individual Counseling) to start working on her whys and to become a safe partner. At this point, watch her actions and don't pay attention to her words. You've already figured out that she's a liar. If she has been in IC, then she's probably lied to her IC or she needs a different IC.

For you, IC with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful. Also, if you struggle with depression, anxiety, sleep or whatever, ask your doctor for meds. If you're certain they weren't physically together, then you probably won't need testing for STDs.

After you've both healed, then you can do MC (marriage counseling). Your M didn't cheat - your WW did. MC or CC (couples counseling) is to work on the relationship and has a tendency to shift part of the blame to you, the BS (betrayed spouse). The A was 100% your WW's decision and not something you did or didn't do, said or didn't say. She unilaterally made thousands of conscious decisions to cheat on you.

It takes about 2-5 years to heal from infidelity, so think of this as a marathon and not a sprint. Things aren't going to get better and trust will take a long time to be restored. The M (marriage) you had is dead - your WW blew it apart. If she does the work to figure out her whys and to become a safe partner, then you may choose to offer the gift of R. R is a lot of hard work, and both partners need to be in it 100%.

At a minimum, she needs to go NC (no contact) with the AP (Affair Partner). Total transparency with electronics until trust is restored. Is AP a coworker? If so, then she needs to find another job. What has been the experience here is that if they work together, the A (affair) will continue. There are a few SIers (very few) where the WS (wayward spouse) and the AP work together but thousands of miles away. But that didn't stop others from continuing.

For me, if they participated in mutual masturbation, that is physical in my opinion. The only thing they didn't do was touch each other but they did that themselves. (Other opinions may differ.)

She says she wanted to end the affair, but did not know how.

Well, the best answer is to protect your M so that you don't get in that spot in the first place. She did know how - she could have said, I'm not doing this any more, No, Stop, or even not gotten on the phone or app that they were using.

Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass is another excellent resource. One of the chapters that I like is Windows and Walls. It discusses boundaries. The windows are what you establish between the two of you, and it represents transparency. Walls are boundaries and are set up between everybody else who is not in your M.

Thanks for this leafields. The relationship grew out of online gaming chat and apps. She ended the relationship and completely quit online gaming, immediately. I demanded to see every communication in ending the relationship, which she did in front of me. I also saw his response to agree to end it (as he is married with children too, so I think there is a fear that his wife will find out). I also said that all device passwords are to stay the same and she has readily agreed. I do believe there is likely been no further communication, but who knows. However, if he reaches out to her, and she doesn’t tell me, she knows that is a deal breaker for our marriage.

Please let the OBS (other betrayed spouse) know. She needs to have her agency given back so she can make informed decisions for her life based on the truth.

This isn't to be hurtful to the OBS, but keeps you from being part of keeping the A secret.

Tip of the iceberg.

Tell the guys wife. Have her investigate from her side. Guaranteed she'll give you info that you had no clue about.

"It takes about 2-5 years to heal from infidelity". What a load of shyte. Whoever came up with that putrid little line oughta have their head knocked. Anyway....

Leafields and GoldenR, I have no way of contacting the OBS, as my wife has cut off all contact with the AP. They did not communicate by traditional methods, only through the game app, (likely so it could be hidden). She has deleted the app and quit and deleted all accounts. Therefore she would have to reconnect with the AP in order to do so and I definitely don’t want that. I should have thought to think of a way to let OBS know before demanding all these actions, but in the heat of the moment I wanted the AP out of my and her life forever.

[This message edited by Rotsaplost at 8:16 PM, Sunday, April 21st]

OP, you did great. Don't sweat not doing everything perfectly. None of us went through infidelity trauma training camp, getting ready for our moment. I did some really strange shit right after Dday.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 2:36 PM, Wednesday, April 24th]

Rotsap - I turned your user name around and it spells pastor. Are you in the clergy? You mentioned that if your WW’s place of employment found out, she would be immediately terminated. This tells me she works for a church.

Maybe I’m wrong about these assumptions.

If I’m correct, you have a lot to deal with. It makes reconciliation that much harder. Peace to you brother. Praying for your recovery.

Can you get his full name and city/state he’s in? From there you can do a little research to find out his wife’s contact info. If you run into a dead end finding her, a PI can probably get it.

I cannot emphasize enough how important it is you have a conversation with the OMW.

If your wife sent nude pictures they could show up anywhere. I am always amazed at the ignorance of cheaters, especially women, because once those photos are sent the sender no longer has control of them

I send you good hope for a peaceful heart.

I'm sorry that she has done this to you. This is not your fault.

Don't be too quick to trust what she is telling you at this point. WSs are almost always lying at this stage. Almost always to protect themselves. Often to protect the AP and possibly an on-going A.

Don't rule out the possibility of a meeting too quickly. Has she been away overnight for any reason? Have there been any opportunities for the AP to be with her if he traveled to your town? You have naturally believed her accounts of where she was and what she was doing. None of that is reliable.

Don't rule out the possibility of on-going communications. A single channel of communication with no backups would be unusual. Complete transparency in all her devices and accounts is essential at this stage.

As others have suggested, you should seek IC with a therapist that deals in betrayal trauma.

Best wishes.

Rotsaplost,

So sorry you are now faced with this reality.

Your story is so very similar to my own. In my experience there are many layers to the onion, and its up to you how much you want (and need) to peel. For me, I needed to know everything, because I needed to rebuild the reality of 9 years of my life. The message here is to trust your gut.

You say she is saying all the right things, which is good, but please watch her actions. Is she going to IC to work through why she could betray you in this manner? Has she provided a timeline of the affair? One way she can rebuild trust is by volunteering information - giving you a "window" into the relationship between her and AP.

As others have said, this will take a long time to sort through. Be kind to yourself and prioritize your health as much as possible. You will get through this.

Marriages can survive what you have been going through. We have examples of this on this site, including the story of the founders as well as some other of the staff and many posters.
We also have stories of those that are happy with their decision to divorce. I for one decided to terminate a relationship and engagement that had lasted longer than many married relationships you can read about here.

Just be aware that both paths can be open – or not. You always have options; you always have ways to move forward. Keep in mind that "forward" might only be a better temporary place compared to where you are now, and not necessarily a good place or a permanent place.
It’s like if you are rock-climbing and get stuck. You might be hanging on to a small crack by three fingers of one hand. You manage to get a foothold on a ledge, easing the strain on your fingers. Still stuck – still have a lot of climbing to do to get to safety – but a temporary "better" place than you were at.

I – and very many on this site – have the view that there are only two GOOD ways out of infidelity.
One is that you reconcile. That is a lot of work, and although dealing with the affair is a good part of the initial work it really is a lifetime project. Best comparison I have is like you have a health scare due to being overweight. For the next 24 months you might be counting calories, avoiding certain foods, walking and jogging 10 miles per day, hitting the gym 5x a week and monitoring your health, blood-pressure, weight, body-fat and all that. This is where your marriage is at right now. If you want to reconcile it requires you both work at it, and it’s intense for the next years. No good if your left leg wants to run, but your right leg wants to nibble at fried chicken. After that initial period, you can ease up, but would still consciously avoid certain foods, still do your bi-weekly jogs and still pinch your midriff and monitor your weight to stay within certain parameters.
The other is divorce. You mention two kids – a great incentive to try to reconcile but a terrible reason to remain in an unhappy marriage with untreated infidelity. The adage of it being better to be from a broken home than being IN a broken home holds 100% true.

To R you BOTH need to commit, to D only one of you needs to commit.

OK – Based on what you share...
Yes – it definitely would be best to let OM spouse know. But there is another IMHO more compelling reason you need to reach out to OM...

Let’s begin by evaluating his character (albeit this can all be mirrored back to your wife too): His moral compass is so out of line that he feels fine with having online sex with another woman, possibly one he knew was married. So we can assume his morals are at least a few degrees off true North...
This man has sexually explicit content showing your wife.
You mention this incident could get your wife fired...
Well... What would raunchy pictures at some site like trueamateursexymilfs dot com (fictional name/site) or in some forum for that game they met in do for her or her job? What guarantee does she have that the OM does not share, does not get hacked, does not have them copied by the 18 year old "technician" that helps migrate to a new phone... What will happen if your child get’s confronted at the playground by a kid that says he saw their mom’s personals?
Your wife needs to be aware of the danger she placed herself in. IMHO contacting the OM to formally warn him against using the content and demanding he delete it might be necessary. Granted – if he does – you can charge him and/or sue, but once on the internet there is no way to ensure it ever leaves.

If you or your wife don’t think he would do such a thing, well... ask his wife if she thought he would cheat.

Regarding the trust...
There is no way you can or should try to replicate the blind trust you two had. I don’t think anyone of us here goes back to that.
For now you need trust-but-verify, with emphasis on the verify.
You also need to accept that for maybe the next 6-12 months it’s her task to prove her trust.
For example: You can do regular scans on her phone and computer, maybe even monitor network traffic on the home router, to see if she’s playing the game or not. That would be how YOU could verify. There really isn’t any way for you to ensure she doesn’t go to the town library, a coffee shop or whatever and log in to the game under a new name. That is where SHE needs to verify that she had a legit reason to be 2 hours at the library or alone for an hour at the coffee-shop or whatever.
With time the need for verification diminishes. If she says she’s at the gym every Monday afternoon, and you can confirm using the online service site of the gym, her smelly gym-clothes or a drive-by where you see her car then maybe after 2-3 months you can start believing/trusting she’s there.

But... This is your reality for the next months.

Finally: She needs guidance to understand why she allowed herself to do this. Get her to good IC, and then maybe 1-2 months later you two could start MC.

So sorry you are facing the fallout of her betrayal.

My only input is to take your time. Time to process and decide the best course of action for you. Time to decide what your tolerance is for this nonsense. Time to get your personal bearings. Get some good therapy under your belt. Take some time away. Consult trusted family members and/or friends. Exercise and eat right.

I have a friend who's spouse did exactly as youve described via a d@mn gaming app. It did not end well and they divorced.

Invest in yourself apart from her. Shes got a lot of work to do to rebuild her own inner character, and the onus is all on her. As another poster so sagely said, people dont get a character transplant.

If you do decide to try and stay with her, remember, people dont majoratively do what is expected, rather only what is inspected (particularly after marital treason).

Good luck.

They sent pictures. Spoke on the phone so there has to be a way of finding out who he is?

You saying your wife almost wrecked her marriage, exposed herself and sent pictures, videoed herself and she didn't even get a name?

Pictures of your wife naked are with this man, personally as a man that shouldn't stand.