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The more work my H does the more I can't help but get mad, not because he is doing the work but because he was willing to throw away his four kids and wife for literal trash.

The more I found out about how trashy and dumb his AP was the more my blood boils.

I remember when I first found out about his A, he defended her and made so many comments that still stick with me to this day. How hot she was, how nice she was, how she just got S*** on her whole life.

He told me her ex husband was addicted to drugs and she left him buttttttttt they were the ones doing cocaine in the woods. I found her ex H on Facebook a while back and he works out regularly, has a very nice house, owns his own business, and always had their daughters taking them shopping while she was in the bottom of the barrel with my H all summer.

HE BELIEVED ALL OF HER SOB STORIES and the more I think about the stuff he first said in the "fog" I would laugh if I wasn't hurting so bad, it is almost comical.

I bring it up all the time to him and all he says is "I am so sorry" "Yes , I see it all now and it makes me sick, I was blind" He never argues, he never defends he just gets sad.

I just don't understand how something so icky could steal my H away.... I know he felt extremely low, I know he was in a bad place mentally, I know what she did for him but good Lord, I never thought he would be that dumb.

I don't know how to explain it but I am almost at the point I feel sorry for him, sorry that he jeopardized everything for nothing, sorry that he may lose us all and he has shit to show for it. It is like I am still deeply hurt but it is almost comical now, I see him differently, I see him as absolutely disgusting some days and as a sorry loser. The once H that I put on a pedestal is now almost a joke to me...

I feel horrible for saying that because he has done nothing but the right things since Dday , minus the trickle truth but now I feel I am at a new phase and it is just plain disgust.

I am sure this is a normal phase and maybe I just need to go through it to get to the other side... IDK it all sucks. I know in my heart I want to reconcile buttttttt the fact he could have been so naive and trusting.. Ick. Ick. Ick.

I am just venting because I need an outlet and I feel like my friends are over this by now and I need people that understand. I also feel so judgey and out of character and I hate what I am now if I am being honest.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 8:06 PM, Tuesday, April 9th]

You’ve been heard. And your feelings are normal. The anger and disgust stage is a doozy.

I just don't understand how something so icky could steal my H away

Ne careful because nobody stole anything. He made a CHOICE so the real question for you is to try and understand what his needs are, why that woman has breached into his heart. What was he looking for?

It is never about you or about her, but ALWAYS ABOUT HIM.

I have a special hatred for the FB who went with my husband but as much as it is natural to hate her, the real enemy is MY HUSBAND. He is the one who owes me loyalty and who made vows to me. She is just an idiot ams a slut.

I don't know if it's actually true or not, but there's always a lot of talk about how the WS always affairs down. It's partially because it's impossible to affair UP because a partner worth having wouldn't participate in adultery, but also because some subconsciously feel they deserve a lesser person.

My H never felt like he was good enough for me. He had pursued me for years before I agreed to date him, which was a big factor in our relationship dynamic. Honestly, I also felt like I was better than him. I thought he revered me so much that he'd never cheat on me. He affaired down to someone he felt was his equal, or to whom HE felt superior. She had a record of hot checks and DUIs, and he had similar things in his clandestine past, so she was also a "criminal" like him, if that makes sense. I could never relate to him in that regard. She wasn't anywhere near as attractive as me - or as attractive as he was. He was comfortable with her. She wanted him badly despite all his faults. He got to feel like "the catch" and he liked it.

I am just venting because I need an outlet and I feel like my friends are over this by now and I need people that understand. I also feel so judgey and out of character and I hate what I am now if I am being honest.

I relate hard to this. I try not to bring up infidelity with my friends anymore. Even in the early days, my then-BFF was over it and wouldn't participate in A talk with me. I refrain now because it's been a LONG time for me and I feel pathetic talking about it with those who haven't experienced it. I'm like an old vet who still needs to tell war stories so he hangs out at the VFW with the other vets. It's the same damn thing, really, except I'm on SI instead of a bar stool. And I still have big feelings that surface when things like company parties are on the calendar and I know I'll be seeing the AP. I don't feel bad being petty AF when I talk trash about her, though.

Here's a little something that just came to mind: A couple of months after DDay, we were in the MC's office, and I said something like "I don't think I'm better than AP, but..." MC stopped me and said "You ARE better than AP. It's okay to think that." I was stunned. We're trained that being judgmental is bad and that everyone is equal and that we all have inherent worth - and we do, but some people really are just better members of society than others. It's okay to be pragmatically judgmental about shitty people.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 9:14 PM, Tuesday, April 9th]

I hear you. My WH used sex workers so yes, my contempt level for him (not the women) was through the roof for a very very long time.

I did notice that as I hit year 5 it began to taper off. Now in year 6 post D Day it’s nowhere near the forefront of my mind.

Fantastic you are right. It was his choice , I don’t mean that she literally stole him , I meant how was she able to weasel her way in (which she did). It is about him and we have talked in length about why he did what he did , why he chose her and they are a lot of similar reasons to others here.
He never felt good enough for me, he didn’t make enough money, he chose someone beneath him to make him feel better. To me it’s just gross. To use someone like that , although she used him too , I just know why he did it but being able to accept what he did is a whole other story.

Groot,

I hear you immensely. I’m beyond disgusted towards my WH as well. Like, what kinda loser, POS husband/father does that to his family?! Sadly I don’t think the feeling of disgust is going to disappear anytime soon.

This week I asked my WH what his "end game" was and what he was hoping to "accomplish" by choosing the path of infidelity? I tell him all the time that he "threw us away" - he is adamant that was not what he did or that he was never "leaving us." Newsflash asshole, you DID throw us away and what makes you think that I’m not going to leave you and throw you away just like you did us?! You did the most reckless, careless, callous act that you could ever inflict upon your wife and children whom you "love so much"

The whole aspect of affair down could not be more on par! The OW was a married coworker with 2 small children of her own that prayed on my WH and discovered his vulnerabilities at the time of the A - I said to him, "what kind of married woman/mother does that to her own family … what does that tell you about her right there in that moment when she forcefully came onto you right there at work?!" Alternatively I followed up with the same questions to my WH … "what kind of a married man/father accepts such advances …"

I remind him often how his disgusting and despicable acts and choices have made him become "unattractive" not only on an emotional level, but also a physical one and that he would be so lucky to ever get either of those attractions back from me.

That’s the hard part isn’t it? They seemingly do the "right" things, but in hindsight it isn’t remotely enough and that you would just wish they wouldn’t put in any effort at all (like during the A) to make it "easier" to move on with life instead of us waiting for the next ball to drop.

The circle of people in my life who know are small and while they are amazing at listening and offering advice (to the best of their ability anyways) they don’t truly know what I’m going through or the thoughts that cross my mind every day. At least there are groups like SI who get it and can relate! If you ever feel like venting, my inbox is always open.

This post is literally what I have felt since the day I found out but last week was the reason behind another big spiral/lash out at WH.

I found out this girl (she is only 23 🤦🏽‍♀️) is now sleeping with another co-worker bringing her tally to 3 in one year at the same workplace. Now I don’t care how many partners someone has but the fact my husband chose someone like this as his AP just blew my mind. I told him he looks even more pathetic, if that was even possible!!!! my WH chose her because she was easy, offering sex without any strings attached or need for conversation. Photos of her boobs was their communication style 🤦🏽‍♀️

How does a married man with a family think this is ok. Like seriously WTF.

The sob stories about how awful the APs spouse are common. A lot of As are built around the fantasy of saving each other from wicked spouses. Hell, my WWs AP played that card even to me during the A (no idea the A was going on at the time). WW defended him fiercely, seemingly blind to how awful he was and how he was a key player in the death of our marriage.

What I think is that the WP doesn’t actually care/love their paramour. They love the way and they feel, how the paramour sees them. That is powerfully addictive. Tie that in with drug use and it’s like a double high. It’s just like drug addicts honestly, they will often defend the drugs and the awful friends they have to keep getting high.

AP didn’t steal your H, he made a decision. Consequences don’t stop people from stupid decisions. Losing his family may not have even occurred to him, or he just didn’t allow himself to face it. I mean, people know that if they shoot someone they will likely go to jail, murder can be life without parole. Doesn’t stop murders from happening. Doesn’t mean he gets a pass or anything, only offering a different perspective.

The disgust phase is an unfortunate normal part in these things. Seeing someone as they truly are, the hurt and anguish caused, the death of the innocence of your marriage. It’s a lot. Give yourself grace, if I’m reading it right you’re only a few months past DD have months of TT/lying. That in itself is a huge deal and a lot to work on.

My advice is be patient and honest with yourself, cheating may be your deal breaker and you can’t get over it. It’s a very common and proper response. It’s the unfortunate consequences of his actions.

This might make you laugh (or cry) but XWH actually told me that having no-strings sex was his way of ‘saving our M’. In his messed up mind, he was ‘so unhappy’ with me and extremely young children that this was his way of ‘coping’ with the demands of parenthood. Riiiiiiiight.

Like others have said, he had no intention of leaving me. He ‘affaired’ way ‘down’ because of that - it was never meant to be a competition, it was simply a release, a coping mechanism, whatever you want to call it. In my head, however, I couldn’t believe that he was capable of using other human beings like that.

Yes. Lots of contempt there. He threw our family away for literally nothing. The level of stupidity (and flawed logic) was rather breathtaking.

But, as I say, the contempt does move to the back of the mind as you heal.

I also heard the ‘I never thought you’d find out’ line. Refusal to think about the real-life consequences of getting caught can be very strong - the cheater doesn’t have to grapple with potentially throwing their family away, because they just don’t think discovery will ever happen.

This may not be popular. But it is a form of cognitive dissonance to spend any time blaming the AP for the affair. In an affair, it takes two to tango. And only one of them made a promise to you to forsake all others. Spending any time and effort worrying about the AP is wasted time, and energy and it takes you away from the real issue. Your spouse was not fooled, they were not played. They did this willingly.

Everyone thinks their spouse affaired down. It can happen, but likely not. My fWW found men who were as broken and low in self esteem as she was. They found her. It is like they have some kind of A radar. They know the welcome sign is on display, and only losers like them can see it. They all, in the state that they are in, suck. My fWW included. As much as I want to have the luxury of thinking she affaired down, the truth is they were all skanks. They were all low lives when they opened the door to an A.

There is a stage where we are all pissed, and disgusted. I am not sure we really ever get past that. I still am pissed and disgusted at the woman my fWW was when she was in A fog. She really was a disgusting person. That is not who she is now. As for the AP? Who cares? I don't have, nor do I want, any relationship with him either as an enemy or any other form of relationship. He is no one I don't spend any time thinking about. Could I crush him professionally? Could I kick his ass? The answer to both is: easily. But what do I gain? My issue is with her, not him. Any time I spend being pissed at him, I waste. Any effort I spend supporting my fWW in her quest to be a better person is not wasted.

In addition to many other things WS's have in common, the one that I think stands out for me now is that they are all "victims". They have some reason, justification, or hurt they were trying to fix with the A. When we let them off the hook by letting them play victim, and not take FULL responsibility, they remain victims. And we don't fully R.

Just my two cents.

Thank you to everyone for listening to me vent , for the open inboxes , the kinds words, and the advice. Your stories break my already broken heart and I hate that we are here.
For the record let me go out by saying "stealing my H" were not the right words. I know my H made a choice , a horrible choice over and over and over. What I meant by that is he was vulnerable enough to let her in , slowly but surely. That he chose someone like her over the kids and I.
Like so many people here my H also said he never thought of us, he didn’t think he would get caught, it was a temporary escape from a very stressful life that he wasn’t measuring up to.
As for knowing that my H is the enemy in this I do, he gets the wrath, he gets the bad moments but there is a huge part of me that hates the AP, too. I know that she didn’t make vows to me , she knew he was married, knew he had three small children one with social needs, and even was in the same space with his kids and I and had the nerve to roll her eyes and make comments (I found out later). I am not ready to stop hating her , I’m not ready to fully reconcile though either. I’m taking baby steps and hopefully with time, counseling , and changes in my H I will get there. She takes up more headspace than I would ever like to admit and I hate it. I keep wondering why he chose her nasty ass then I remember it wasn’t her he chose, it was the high , the feeling , the escape , the thrill. Then I calm down and the cycle continues pretty much all day. He was broken, he has issues he should have fixed , he needed to fix himself and instead he found comfort in her gross v*****.

As for knowing that my H is the enemy in this I do, he gets the wrath, he gets the bad moments but there is a huge part of me that hates the AP, too. I know that she didn’t make vows to me , she knew he was married, knew he had three small children.

My absolute biggest pet peeve is when someone tells a BS that they should focus all their anger on the WS, that the AP didn't break any vows. Maybe not, but they sure did violate the social contract not to fuck with OPP, didn't they?

I was cleaning my closet the other day and found my journal from around DDay. (The only journal I ever really kept.) There were some details in there that I had forgotten about. One was when my H relayed to me that AP had tearfully told him, "I'm a homewrecker." As if she was sorry about it instead of reveling in her (short-lived) victory. She was so excited that she could finally have open access to my H that she literally repelled him with her glee instead of respecting that he was grieving.

The other thing was when I was discussing post-D relationship expectations with my H and telling him that if he had her in his life in any capacity, he would never have me as a friend. The next day, she told him that she felt abandoned, and that if he had ME in his life in any capacity, she wouldn't be with him. Bitch, I'm the mother of his children. Do you really think he's going to stop talking to me entirely? FFS. Stop copying off my paper, you idiot. lol

Thanks for letting me vent about that.

Everyone thinks their spouse affaired down. It can happen, but likely not. My fWW found men who were as broken and low in self esteem as she was.

The gist is that they affaired down from the BS. Not themselves.

Sacredsoul yes! Preach. I agree as well. I don’t want to spend my energy on her and one day I think I won’t. We are so early out my anger for both of them is insane.

H ap was too stupid in all honesty. When he told her he loved me and the kids she even said " I should have known, I was so stupid" no morals , values , self worth. I actually joked to him about the hotel he took her to once and it was probably rat infested. I told him I wouldn’t have settled for that hotel as his mistress. I hate effing passing that hotel , which I do a lot. He hates it probably more than me.

Yeahhhh only sex and dinner and you thought it was true love? My H was a user dbag and you fell for his dumb ass tricks, like the dog you are.
They did nothing but eat and have sex . Oh and the cocaine she provided instead of taking care of her kids … they were the biggest losers I’ve ever seen.

Oh boy, the disgust is real! I like you was completely shocked with how nasty he was and what he settled for. I mean if it wasn’t real it would be humorous. It is literally his absolute no list brought to life!
Just shows how sick he was. Also your post resonates as he is doing daily work, great IC, couples class based on infidelity, podcasts, books, etc. I just keep thinking and sometimes lashing out— wouldn’t it have been easier to just say hey, I’m not happy, so we could have found help instead of going through the nastiest gutter looking for happiness, never finding it, and hurting those you claim to love.

I don't often post here on this forum because lengthy IHS isn't R, but that's where I've been stuck for years, as I'm ashamed to admit.

Just wanted to say that when your beloved H fucks a high-priced prostitute the same night after he did the deed at home with you in the morning, you can't really focus much negative energy on the Other Woman or on his Unmet Needs. And then later admitted in my cross-examination that he'd picked up the phone with his left hand, which I knew still had his gold wedding ring, to call the escort to service him.

I tried hard to put myself in that motel room moment...and I just couldn't. We were still almost newlyweds.

So my answer to the question "what kind of person would throw away his M for some skank..." is the same now as it has always been: "somebody who would throw away his M without a twinge of guilt, has a much bigger story behind his choices than whatever I know!" Time proved me correct in that. It was a lifelong habit that predated our relationship.

H ap was too stupid in all honesty. When he told her he loved me and the kids she even said " I should have known, I was so stupid" no morals , values , self worth.

When H sent the NC email, he said "I’m going home to fix my marriage". AP responded "I knew you would the whole time." Yeah, maybe because he told you upfront he didn’t want to leave me, he just wanted NSA sex.

And then later admitted in my cross-examination that he'd picked up the phone with his left hand, which I knew still had his gold wedding ring, to call the escort to service him.

The only time my H removed his ring was one time when he visited with AP’s family. Her 9yo son saw it stuck on the turn signal of his truck and asked him straight out, "You’re married, aren’t you?" H said they were both like

Poor kid. Other than that, H wore it the whole time. Shortly after DDay, he crushed it in a press and put it in his wallet. When we began R, we threw it in the lake.

I said on a previous thread that I totally agree that my husband and his EA were soul mates. They were. I am not sure if she was a scammer. Not that it matters. They were definately soul mates. I certainly am not.

The disgust is real. The pity is real. I can’t imagine ever loving him like I did and I’ve told him that. The behaviour is pathetic. It’s very sad.

The nonsense he came out with when I found out would be hilarious if we didn’t have children. My children deserve better. I’m an adult, I’m okay, but I’m sad I put my faith in someone who has no respect for himself. It’s very grim. He said ‘you’d really get on’ err no, no I wouldn’t! I’d feel pity and wonder what happened to her to want this kind of set up (if s/he is a scammer probably £££). But regardless social media starlets/scammers are not my people.

I am fed up talking about it with him now. It’s tedious. He’s very upset and remorseful. Blah blah blah.

I think it’s hilarious that some people must think cheating proves they are attractive. In reality it just means they have no integrity. It’s about as attractive as a dog turd.

[This message edited by Abcd89 at 10:52 AM, Wednesday, April 10th]