SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know finding out and getting to the deeper rooted issues of the "whys" are a hot topic around SI and being that I’m "new" to the world of infidelity I was wondering if anybody could help me understand this a bit more.

Prior to my own experience, I viewed an A based on the misconception of those you see in the movies - clearly a "real life" A is more complex then what you see in the movies.

I know their is no linear answer to this question and no set timeline for when "whys" are concretely discovered amongst a WS. I was hoping that someone would be willing to share their specific situation’s deeper rooted "whys" - maybe your a BS that wants to share what their WS has discovered about themselves (and how their going about doing the work to correct their past behaviours) or maybe your a WS who would like to share your journey to discovering your whys?

My WH and I have talked immensely about "whys" - but many are definitely more superficial/secondary reasons. I too didn’t understand (until reading posts on this site) that someone choosing to have an A is an issue within themselves, not because of their partner or M. I think my WH is starting to dig deeper and some of his "new" findings seem more deeper and about him, vs. about me or about the state of our M at the time of the A. Ultimately, I just want to make sure that he continues down a deeper discovery path and that I can also understand what behaviours/personality traits led him to his destructive choices.

[This message edited by Heartbrokenwife23 at 9:02 PM, Monday, April 8th]

All roads lead to the ego.

DaddyDom has a good thread on this in the Wayward Forum:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/617173/the-process-of-discovering-our-true-whys/

I will go bump the thread so it will go to the top of the forum, but you can also copy the above in your browser.

In the above post, he also references this later article:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/642916/the-things-i-had-to-accept/

You may also find that his decisions don't make sense to you because his thought process is different than yours. It's difficult to apply logic to an illogical situation.

[This message edited by leafields at 10:58 PM, Monday, April 8th]

Part of the problem is that there are multiple layers of "why". There are underlying emotional and psychological reasons and there are conscious rationalizations. Those may shift and evolve as the A progresses from the beginning to the end and then again after discovery.

Right after D-day my WW sent an email to a friend that captured the conscious rationalization that she used to justify cheating during that A. She had changed, I had not. She needed someone who appreciated her for who she really was and allowed her to be that person without feeling judged.

That was the unfiltered version of what she told me at the time. At least what I could get out of her. She was reluctant to talk about it while she was "figuring things out." "Figuring things out," means trying to come up with some reason that might be acceptable to a rational person. Their conscious "why" during the A usually wilts as soon as it is exposed to anyone who isn't an enabling POS.

That's often where the blame-shifting starts if it wasn't already a part of the "whys" during the A. For us it was that she felt unloved and I was depressed and not giving her the attention that she needed. The truth is that I wasn't depressed until she checked out of our marriage.

Finally, eventually, if the WS has a decent therapist they will get into the underlying emotional and psychological "whys." As with so many others for my WW it was FOO issues that caused an inability to self-validate and the need for attention to provide that validation.

And that's absolutely true. I told her dozens of times over the years that the cause of her frequent unhappiness seemed to be her inability to love herself. But it doesn't make any of it feel any better. So often it feels like a get out of jail free card.

Oh,you had FOO issues? Well FOO for me, too!

Because even though I accept that she had real, deep psychological scars that were driving her desire for attention, she wasn't thinking that when she headed out to meet with her AP. "Well, I'm doing this because I have deep psychological need for external validation." No, she gave herself permission because "I've changed and he hasn't, I have a right to be happy."

And that's the kick in the teeth. We expect that someone who has pledged fidelity would pause to question such flimsy reasoning when they are on the verge of such a momentous action. Like, maybe if I'm getting ready to do something against everything I profess to believe in I should take a moment and get some therapy.

That's where the selfishness and the ego come in. Because at that point what they want trumps anything and everything else. And that's what it is, a selfish want.

Even though my WS eventually came to accept responsibility, by that time all of these other versions of "why" had been rug-swept. So I don't feel that we ever fully dealt with those original "whys" or what they said about her mindset at the time. That's on the list for discussion.

My whys were all about me and they are all not of equal value:

- like to be KISA
- avoided conflict like the plague
- pleasure/feeling good about myself was the important value
- had porous/questionable boundaries (and in mid-life flirted with boundaries with a horrid outome)
- coping strategy under pressure/boredom/uncomfortable emotions/pain is to escape to validation and/or sexual soothing
- positive affirmations sometimes created sense of entitlement to my desires
- passive agressive when dealing with negative emotions (i shutdown with anger)
- low sense of purpose (perhaps)

so i think that means

- i lacked self-love (so I was incapable of truly loving others)
- I defined my value by how people responded to me (somewhat binary - validate or criticise)
- i have lots of shame and a strong voice of self-condemnation
- I have a lot more anxiety than i previously recognised
- I was very insecure

At 2 years out i continue to refine the list but more importantly do the work to address the root issues. I keep on reading about BS who come back in year 6,7 or 8 to a repeat performance. I also see some BS who divorce and there next relationship has the same problem. I want to be so healthy that i will create and sustain a fulfilling marriage where we can both submit one to another.

I probably should go through DaddyDoms process again to see if I have missed something.

HouseOfPlane

Definitely some sort of ego trip!

leafields

Thank you so much and for bumping those posts. I will definitely read up on them and pass them along to my WH to comb over as well.

Seeking2Forgive

You’re right. There is definitely layers to the "whys" … it’s quite the process to peel these layers back. Like your WW, my WH definitely has become a very selfish person (even before the A) and then he proved just how selfish he could be.

seizetheday

Thank you for your response. I appreciate hearing from a WS.

All roads lead to the ego.

I probably should have wrote "the Self" rather than the ego. It’s the idea that there is a Self that we spend our lives defending, strengthening, building up a narrative on, preventing from going away, etc. The Self is always being constructed. It has a story we’ve written based on the past. No past, no Self. We are constantly plotting on how our Self can be happier tomorrow.

If you see things as such, then you can see that the WS actions and the BS pain are two sides of the same coin. One, a (pathetic) effort to bolster the Self. The other, a direct assault on the Self.

Most of the healing approaches I see here seem to based on writing some kind of new narrative that makes it not so bad, or that penance was paid, or a whole bunch of other tactics that still involve narrative building and stories we tell about ourselves. Some work? But they still leave you vulnerable to an uncontrolled update to "the story".

The real healing, which would actually be growth, would be to change the ideas around The Self. Whether the constant stream of thoughts are actually You. Whether there is even a Self or not, whether it is a construct. Are you your narrative? And so on.

Just rambling…

Ego and feeling entitles are the main reasons.

It is rarely about the BS. It is mainly about the WW.

If you are the BS, be reassured it WASN’T YOUR FAULT. Never ever think it was or let your WW tell you that. It was THEIR CHOICE.