SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

In 2022 my husband came to me and told me he wasn’t happy with how things were in our marriage. I recognized at the time my part in the breakdown (and I still take ownership to this day). One of the first questions I asked him, is there someone else? He told me no. Over the next 2 years I’ve asked at least 2 other times. Each time again I was told no.
There was an argument early February that led to him telling me he wanted a separation. He remained in our house. I’ve always felt that there was more to what was going on with him than he was telling me but I had no proof of anything. I finally did a deeper dive last week and snooped on his computer and found some emails dating back to 2022. It confirmed that he was having an affair. I was crushed like everyone else when they find out. I confronted him and he initially was going to deny until I told him I had proof. He admitted to it and said it had been over a few months. We took time apart this last weekend and had a very open, honest, and painful conversation. We have decided on working to repair the marriage with us each putting in effort and working on our own healing.

This is absolutely a shortened version but I have a couple of questions for the community.

I still have more questions/clarifications I want from him but I want to set a time to sit down and talk and have quality conversations about everything.

One of our family vacations now has a black mark on it bc the affair and emails were going on during that time. How do I not get triggered now when I see pictures or mementos? How do you handle that? How does every good memory not get clouded now?

I'll answer your memory questions first. You don't. There will always be a little gray cloud over those times for you. In your heart you will always know that he wasn't truly there with you. He was there in body but not in spirit. I'm sorry but sometimes you can't get the tarnish off. It just is what it is.

I also want to say that you are moving too quickly into reconciliation. You are not healing yet because you do not have all of the information you need either to heal or to decide on R. He's been lying to you for years and would have continued on indefinitely as you found when you confronted him with your proof.

He hasn't earned your trust yet. He may never earn your trust. Others will be along to give great advice. Please be open to it. They will be trying to help you get OUT of infidelity rather than just rug-sweeping it. I know you don't want to hear this. I know you think you can love everything back to where it once was. But the truth is, reconciliation is HARD WORK and it takes two people to make it happen.

Thank you for your reply. I know it will always be tarnished, I guess I’m just looking for some advice, I want to delete all the pictures and get rid of the mementos but that’s reactionary (rightfully so).

I’m not going into R blindly or naively, hopeful, yes. The affair has been over for a few months "supposedly" and I believe I know why it ended. Our initial conversation about the discovery and subsequent conversation about trying to move forward was so emotionally draining that some of the follow questions I have, have not been touched on yet. I intend to tell him I want to have another follow up conversation to get more clarity.

Sorry you had to find us.

Please know that it WILL take years to recover from this. So you don’t have to make any promise to reconcile or not yet.

And please note that we are all responsible for our M but he is 100 responsible for cheating. You were in the same marriage but you didn’t cheat. He could have asked for counseling, separation, even divorce— but instead he cheated. This is 100% on him.

Also, it takes both partners being 100% in to reconcile, and it takes years. He will have to lead the reconciliation. He’s the one who broke the M.

For now, take care of you.
*Read in the healing library.
*Get STI/STD tested and make him do so and show you the results.
*Visit a couple lawyers just to understand what D would be like. knowledge is power and helps to alleviate fear.
*Eat healthfully, drink lots of water, avoid alcohol, get sleep and exercise. If you are having trouble with sleep or anxiety, see your doctor.
*look for IC (individual counseling) for you to help you get through this.

Take a breath- you will get through this.

Does the other woman also have a partner? If so, tell them and give them their power back.

No, she does not have a partner. She was a widow.

Barelybreathing - I know he’s 100% responsible and he acknowledges that. We are both already in individual counseling.

Hi, heartbroken, welcome to SI.

I also think you are giving him the GIFT of reconciliation way too soon.

More than likely you don't have the full story or the complete truth. Cheaters lie, all of them. IMO you cannot rebuild your marriage on a bed of lies or half truths or lies of omission.

Seeing an individual counselor is great! Hopefully you have a good one, some really don't understand the impact of infidelity.

Has your husband given you a timeline of the affair? Is this woman out of his life completely? Has he given you access to his phone, emails, social media, phone bills, etc?

"supposedly

the affair has been over for a few months? What evidence do you have besides his word. Understand an affair can go underground.

His affair seemingly lasted almost two years? That's two years of coming home leading a double life. I know because I lived it.

Another poster mentioned trust has to be earned. Cheaters lie, minimize, manipulate and gaslight. Right now his words are meaningless, his actions are what's important.

I'm new around here and am only about a month into this, but one thing I can say for sure is that you cannot work through this without professional help. You need help to break through the pattern/cycle of deception. I am very fortunate to have a wonderful individual therapist who I've been seeing for about 2 years (mostly for work-related stress until now), and through her, we have found an outstanding couples therapist. We've met with her 3 times so far and I can say for sure that there is no way we would be having the honest and painful conversations we are having without her assistance. We have a long way to go and I honestly don't know the ultimate outcome (and that's O.K.), but just from my limited experience, I would say that professional counseling/therapy is critical, especially for the partner who has been deceived and needs to know the full truth.

How do I not get triggered now when I see pictures or mementos? How do you handle that? How does every good memory not get clouded now?

It gradually becomes less triggering over time with self directed work. Some things will remain forever broken though. Many years ago, my wife and I took our children to see a very famous children's movie, my adult children still love it, it was a special memory, a lot of fun and laughter, great evening out.

My wife was having her affair then. I enjoy the movie still, when we watch it as a family, but I look back on that evening very differently now.

Other memories, not clouded, not damaged, but a lot of damage is done, some things literally cannot be repaired.

You do the best that you can do, but keep in mind one thing; it is not your job to fix the damage that he did. That is his job.

During the time that my WW was involved in her affair, any trip, event, or momento was tarnished for me. We had a very nice trip to Gatlinburg Tennessee and later when I learned that the affair was in full swing during that trip, I erased every photograph, threw away every t shirt, coffee mug or anything else that would remind me of that trip. I was being lied to during that trip so I purged myself of every physical piece of evidence that would remind me of that time. I still have a few memories of that trip but they barely breach my conscious anymore.

[This message edited by Copingmybest at 11:06 AM, Monday, March 25th]