SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Always have. If you don’t already love it, you really need to listen to August and Everything After by Counting Crows, about 20 times in a row. Best album ever to me.

Fantastic album!

Would you elaborate, please? Are you saying that triggers that plunge us back into the dark help us to find our broken spots, feel our pain, and grow? If so, that is inspirational, and I’m a little mad at you for being so silver lining-ish right now

Nailed it! It snapped you out of denial, didn't it?

I had one of those moments early on. I'd been so desperate for my H to pick me, pick me, pick me! We were separated and he was fence-sitting. I arranged for a weekend by myself in a nice hotel and, lo and behold, you know what came on the TV while I was sitting on the fancy bed eating fancy cheese? Under the Tuscan Sun. It slayed me. I vividly remember staring at myself in the full-length mirror, sobbing and open and raw, and really SEEING myself for the first time in a long time. Something shifted dramatically that day and I found a metric shit ton of strength and conviction.

Yeah, those moments are magic.

Nailed it! It snapped you out of denial, didn't it?

#allbetternow

I think she’s moved into looking at internal problems, but mostly thru the lens of external causes (FOO, SA, me). I don’t see her owning who she is, that she has to own that she has had the role of responding to external hurts and problems and making the sausage of herself.

She's okay with that stuff because in that part, she is the victim. She is not comfortable seeing herself as the villain (and you weren't comfortable seeing her this way either). But things are not just black or white. She is both, and she needs to own all of it.

And since I know you like song lyrics:

How long could we be a sad song

'Til we were too far gone to bring back to life?

I gave you all my best me's, my endless empathy

And all I did was bleed as I tried to be the bravest soldier

Fighting in only your army

Frontlines, don't you ignore me

[This message edited by emergent8 at 10:58 PM, Thursday, March 7th]

Does she know all this?

[This message edited by Stillconfused2022 at 3:34 PM, Friday, March 8th]

'Til we were too far gone to bring back to life?

I gave you all my best me's, my endless empathy

And all I did was bleed as I tried to be the bravest soldier

Damn, emergent. I’m a TayTay fan, but I’ve never heard this one before. Pretty spot on.

I’m tired, even for a Phoenix.

Does she know you’ve been to the lawyer several times?

She does not, I choose to keep that to myself. Unless she reads here, but I don’t think she does.

Hear you.
Have the same arrangement in the sense he knows SI and said he would be looking at it but then never did.
It is hard for me to imagine a situation where I as a WS who was desperate to improve my marriage and had access to an online resource (SI) where I could possibly read every last thought and concern that my BS had, that I would choose to never even bother to really look at it. That gives me pause.

It is hard for me to imagine a situation where I as a WS who was desperate to improve my marriage and had access to an online resource (SI) where I could possibly read every last thought and concern that my BS had, that I would choose to never even bother to really look at it. That gives me pause.

I’ve talked some about this before, I can see both sides. I’ve told her that I regard this like my diary. I could go and pick up her diary and read it to try to learn things about her, but she has asked me not to so I respect that. I’ve asked the same of her.

I got something. Some lytics from a Motley Crue song:

"girl, don't go away mad,
girl, just go away!
girl, don't go away mad,
girl, just go away!"

Are you feeling better IH?

Many of us experience and know those triggers that plunge our soul into a dark place.
And from my experience they can impact me for months (hence my long silences on your threads).

But I can echo several thoughts expounded in this thread including those encouraging words

Those turning-point moments are pure gold, even if they're painful.

It is good when we move out from those emotional, relational, intellectual and spiritual dark places back into the light.
Especially when we do so with new insights and personal growth.

I hope you have experienced this as well over the past few days.
Blessings brother,
FAWH.

Are you feeling better IH?

Maybe? Probably rebounding. Thanks for asking.

Many of us experience and know those triggers that plunge our soul into a dark place.
And from my experience they can impact me for months (hence my long silences on your threads).

This breaks my heart every time you alude to your dark periods. You just come across so kind, I hate thinking of such a soul suffering like that. I hope you do all you can to take care of yourself.

But I can echo several thoughts expounded in this thread including those encouraging words

Those turning-point moments are pure gold, even if they're painful.

It is good when we move out from those emotional, relational, intellectual and spiritual dark places back into the light.
Especially when we do so with new insights and personal growth.

You might need to give OG some pointers on how to be inspirational without the downside. May this be true for all of us. Thanks for checking in, as always I have a special affinity for hearing from you.

IH, another wanting to check in with support. Feel like we'd get on like a house on fire in real life.

This shit is really fucked up isn't it

IH, another wanting to check in with support.

Thanks Ozzy, appreciate it.

Feel like we'd get on like a house on fire in real life.

I’d just need you to inform OBS first

This shit is really fucked up isn't it

Yeah, man, all the way.

I can’t count how many times I waffled back and forth between R and D the first 3 years.

OTOSOH, what stabilized things for you finally?

Oh wow, that’s a question with a lot of answers. 😂 First and foremost, he never swayed from my hard redline of no further contact or cheating. Those three years were hard. My emotions were all over the place and the worse I felt obviously the more I leaned towards D. But, we’d kind of steer clear of each other for a bit and I’d get terrible anxiety and miss him. 🤷‍♀️anyways, it was a lot of back and forth for too long. Many, many, many , and then even many more deep conversations, arguments, and real communications occurred . Ultimately, I had to decide what in life was most important to me given the fact that no man would ever be perfect. ( I guess I had to admit I wasn’t either). 😂😬🤷‍♀️ I did find his efforts for growth and change admirable while also accepting that he wasn’t going to become a completely different person nor did I really want him to be. What I wanted was the man I thought he’d always been. I never needed perfect before nor did I give it, but after D day I spent too long demanding it. I expected a hardworking, ass kissing, mind reader which really wasn’t fair. When I truly started recognizing his growth and change and leaning into what I do and always had loved about him, things began to stabilize. I don’t apologize for how long it took me to get there emotionally as he was the one who had murdered my heart. However, as my pain lessened I was able to appreciate his efforts and accept his love which I couldn’t do for a long time. I recognized his authenticity and his best effort and that was enough for me. So here we are, scarred with a big blemished marriage, but oddly more connected than we’ve ever been. 🤷‍♀️

Oh wow, that’s a question with a lot of answers.

Good thing we have time and words available to us 🙃

First and foremost, he never swayed from my hard redline of no further contact or cheating.

I don’t think I know your story very well. Did you get lies and TT post D-Day?

Those three years were hard. My emotions were all over the place and the worse I felt obviously the more I leaned towards D.

Checks list…. yup, tracking….

But, we’d kind of steer clear of each other for a bit and I’d get terrible anxiety and miss him.

📋👀….. uh huh………

anyways, it was a lot of back and forth for too long. Many, many, many , and then even many more deep conversations, arguments, and real communications occurred .

I need this to happen if we are going to have any chance in hell. Which probably means I need to end this IHS.

I expected a hardworking, ass kissing, mind reader which really wasn’t fair.

Back to the old mountain moving. I hear you, we are all only human after all. I finally put my foot down recently and told her that I refused to touch the car that she (shall we say) used in the affair, won’t work on it, won’t maintain it (things I normally do). It clued her in to my disgust over it, and she is now in the process of selling it. I’m kind of torn on that, like I’d wish she would see something so obvious, and I didn’t really make it clear. I commend her for acting swiftly now that I did.

When I truly started recognizing his growth and change and leaning into what I do and always had loved about him, things began to stabilize.

I love this about you.

So here we are, scarred with a big blemished marriage, but oddly more connected than we’ve ever been.

To quote Bono:

Grace, it’s a name for a girl. It’s also a thought that changed the world.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 2:54 AM, Monday, March 11th]

And on the other side of the equation, I didn't see much improvement from my XWH. I felt that he was just trying to do enough to ride out the storm long enough where we'd go right back to where we were. He'd treated me so horribly for the last decade or so. When I finally got to the place where I was healed enough (right around a year), I was realizing that he wasn't changing, and did I want to put up with the same behavior for the next 20+ years.

Getting through infidelity is really hard, and second-guessing yourself along the way adds to the sandwich de caca that has been served.

I had very little trickle truth. I’d say a few minor lies in the first week that he sat on for a few weeks before coming clean, but blocking and no contact started day after D day. I did learn new things along the way, but it wasn’t anything he was intentionally withholding. It was just impossible for him to remember every conversation and detail of the affair unless asked. Nor did he think some things mattered to me, but answered them when asked.

And I so get the car thing. I told him "your car (he loved) has to go since her big axx sat in it". Also, I was disgusted thinking she knew so much about my family and husband I didn’t want her knowing what he drove anymore. Same for his underwear and clothes. To this day he can’t wear the same color or style underpants. Anyways, no way was he getting a new car out of the deal. So, his car went, he got my daughter’s old clunker, she got my very nice 4 year old vehicle, and I got a brand new luxury suv. 🤷‍♀️ picture an executive driving a very modest old car with a rhinestoned license plate. 🤷‍♀️ he did it, no complaints. He has since received a new vehicle, but drove the modest one for two years.