I was taught that anger is a sign that the angry person wants to change about their life. Some things can be changed, and the angry person can decide what they want to do to make the changes they want.
Other things can't be changed. The best approach is to give that anger up. It'll eat you alive if you hold onto it.
The best exercise to give up anger that I've ever come across is to sit in a quiet area with paper and pen or pencil and write, by hand, a sentence like 'I'm angry about _____' or 'I'm angry that _____' - you fill in the blank.
Limit yourself to 3-5 minutes. I've never made it to 2 minutes without cracking up in laughter.
*****
I don't think it's possible for a WS to go 'above and beyond', or vice versa. After d-day, my W immediately became honest. She didn't always say 'yes', but the 'noes' were few and far between. But I don't think she oweed (or gave) me less before her A. She devoted her energy to herself and to me before her A and after d-day.
During her A, her energy went to ow, not to me, not to her own well-being. But that energy was gone. There was no way to retrieve and redirect it.
Note that I think people need to give and get emotionally. I don't give a lot when I'm exhausted or in physical or emotional pain. I don't expect others to give to me when they're similarly stressed. Also, I don't like giving that comes largely from co-dependence - that's given with strings attached, and that's not true giving.
I didn't want my W to walk on eggshells. I needed to see who she really was. I didn't want to commit the rest of my life to someone I didn't know.
I asked for what I wanted. I knew my W could reject any request I made. I also knew R would not work if my W said 'no' too often.
IMO, a good M needs both partners to want what the other gives and to give what the other wants. I don't see a moral aspect of that - it's just a matter of the quality of the fit between the partners.
I wanted to identify if we still had a good fit. That meant I needed to know what she wanted and what she wanted to give. I needed to know she wanted what I give. The less we stifled ourselves, the better.
*****
That's a lot different from winning me back. I definitely wanted that. It was a requirement for R. But the things she did had to come naturally. I guess she had to push her limits, but only as far as she could sustain.
I also thought about how I'd know if she was meeting the requirement or not. I realized she always had done a lot to win my heart, mind, and body. I didn't add much - arranging recreational activities/dates (which she does better than I do) and getting over her fear of sex (CAS survivor).
The big thing, though, was recognizing what she had always done to win me.
*****
I'm in my 14th year after d-day and 60th year together, so it makes sense for almost everyone here not to think the way I do.
I can't predict my future, much less yours. But I can almost guarantee that your future will surprise you.
IOW, you're where you are now, but you'll move. Don't expect to think or feel the same way 6 months from now.