SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First, thank you to everyone who has responded to me in the past - you have been a balm for my pain.

I last wrote about wanting to know all of the lurid details, and I'm still there. My husband can only talk about his dreams for the future. I keep bringing him back to the dark places where my mind is stuck.

How does one know what one wants? I love(d) our life, and I could simply move forward and have the same life, with the exception of the respect and trust for my husband. Or, I could decide that there is another future for me without him. Is it brave to work to save this marriage, or brave to move on without it?

"My husband can only talk about his dreams for the future. I keep bringing him back to the dark places where my mind is stuck."

Are you saying he refuses to cooperate with your healing and tell you the truth?

If so, that's your answer. Be brave and move on. He is only concerned with his own comfort. No remorse.

Both paths require bravery. It is a major life decision. I think that you need to give yourself as much time as it takes to identify which path is most likely to lead to your long term happiness, then commit to it and bravely pursue it. How long do you think you can be happy with a non-supportive partner? Talking about the future is easy - every con artist does it.

RangerS:

Bravo, for this:

"Every con artist does it".

No - he has answered all of my questions. I've asked many of them repeatedly. I'm an good sleuth and have gone down many roads of inquiry - I've basically flayed him with my questions and he hasn't resisted answering. I sense I will be here for a long time.

In that case, give yourself some time. Consider some time apart. Clear your head and maybe you'll come to a strong realization about if the A is just a dealbreaker for you.

Some people just can't R. It can be hard enough to forgive such a betrayal but it is a real uphill battle to find it in yourself to live intimately with the person that hurt and disrespected you.

I'm sorry that things are so hard right now. I get that I can come off harsh when I post here but I do understand your pain and want to help.

How does one know what one wants?

That is an interesting question, I think the problem that we all have when faced with this conundrum of infidelity, is that we actually know what we want and thought we were getting it.

Only to find out that our partner wasn't really giving us what we thought they were giving us.

What to do next? There are no easy answers. Nearly 23 years have passed since my wife's infidelity, nearly 14 years since she confessed, Each step of the way, since the events of 23 years ago I have just focused on doing "the next right thing" I'm trying to figure out what that thing is with each turn of the page. It has been very hard to figure out a time, nearly impossible, sometimes doing nothing seems to be the right thing, until something better comes along to do.

I don't mean to sound depressing, it's just that when you are faced with your wayward spouse, and what they have done, all the lying, no matter how sincere they are, no matter how remorseful, no matter how "reformed" they have become, it makes everything harder. Before that, you think they always have your back, and you always have your theirs. Now you can't be so sure, perhaps, never again, and you won't know for years and years.

Take things one day at a time, one week at a time, one month at a time, make decisions each time based on what you know at that time, knowing that you might make a totally different decision in the next day because you know something then that you don't know at this moment.

My husband can only talk about his dreams for the future. I keep bringing him back to the dark places where my mind is stuck.

In order to help you heal, he needs get out of LaLa land, and get down in that dark pit with you and help you out of it. If he is defensive that’s like standing on the edge and telling you to get yourself out of it.

Such a good question this thread poses. For anyone really. But in cases of infidelity, sometimes you need space to think that through. I had it automatically (Army, deployed, etc) and didn't have to create it but you might consider creating space away from him as part of the process. Mental, physical, short bursts or longer periods.

And talking about it with others through IC or with friends. I kept it mostly bottled up and that was not a good solution.

I have definitely leaned on my very good friends. It's tough, because my husband and I work in the same place, and have the same circle of friends. Each time I've shared, there has been associated guilt because of the impact I make on the way that they think of him, also their friend. So that has thrown guilt into the emotional blender for me. There is a small part of me that wants to protect his reputation, and also needs people around me to be able to provide a safe place for me.

Hello Elara,
I could have written that question myself. I'm about 6 months out and feel I'm at the same point. My WH moved out last week, a 6-week therapeutic separation. I decided I needed space to think, feel, and express without him there to interfere in any way (good or bad). FLOOD of feelings since then, finally some anger and frustration followed by courage (screw R, not for me thoughts) then despair for the impact divorce would have. I've had to cry alone, scream alone, and ruminate alone. It is so hard to do this alone but for me, I hope this will help.
In my situation, the sticking point right now for me is finding out on my own, 15 years later, and realizing he has kept it a secret for half of our marriage. I don't think I can get over that, or maybe I don't want to get over that.
You will receive great advice here, I have found it so helpful. Take what you need, time, space, etc.
I sure hope I've made some progress by the end of February.
For me, my gut is I can't R for this and how it came out. My struggle is letting go, the fear of making the wrong choice, and the fear of the impending grief from the decision to let go. I have been with my husband since I was 16 and I just turned 50, I know no other way of being.
Best wishes to you on this journey you never wanted to take.

It took me 6 months from Dday#2 to finally decide what to do. I chose to D as I realized a few things. As I dug out my personality that I had buried under almost three decades of being a husband and father, I realized that I was a really interesting guy. In fact, I was the prize and not my WW, to her chagrin.i had operated under the assumption that I was lucky to have her, and she went so far as to tell me I had won, by her picking me over the AP. (Did I mention I am D?).

By embracing my self worth, I realized I didn't like my WW anymore. She was and continues to be a disagreeable human being. Something confirm by people we both knew.

The next thing I came to terms with was the fact that she was never actually going to change. She had always been selfish during our M and had neither the intention nor ability to change. Life going forward would always be about her.

The last thing I discovered as I detoxed, mostly after I filed, was that I had actually been the one who had been unhappy during the M, but my sense of duty and commitment would not allow me to admit or even entertain that idea.

As I look back, I married the wrong person for the wrong reasons.

Had my EXWW been a better person, we might have R, but it's not likely as I am a one-and-done person deep down.

My sister gave me the advice that I would just know when I was done, and she was right. I hope you find your way. Good luck.

I love(d) our life, and I could simply move forward and have the same life, with the exception of the respect and trust for my husband. Or, I could decide that there is another future for me without him.

For my part, I attempted the first and now deeply regret not opting for the second. Ive said before that much was for the kids (or so I told myself), but truth is, she was not in a place where she could help rebuild. Its said here many times that the wayward spouse must do the heavy lifting but I errantly attempted R in reverse of this.

There is a BH on this site who is quoted by his WW as saying, "If he would have known how much pain he would endure for years after he discovered my betrayal, he would have divorced me (then)." I so relate to this and it is haunting.

I went on for the better part of a brutal decade before it ended. I did move on to build a new and wonderful life with another woman who was also a veteran of a nasty betrayal by her ex.

I will say that if you opt for R, at least for now, take careful stock as to the level of remorse hes showing as compared to waywards on this site that I consider to be in possession of that trait, if that makes sense. He will then have to somehow build back some of that respect and trust that has been lost. Its also ok to try and if it proves nonviable in the future, pivot to the second option.

Good luck.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 5:46 PM, Saturday, January 27th]

I've asked many of them repeatedly.

That can be your brain on trauma. Your brain is trying to figure out if you're still in danger and should calm down over time. I did the same thing.

I keep bringing him back to the dark places where my mind is stuck.

This is normal for your abnormal situation.

My husband can only talk about his dreams for the future.

He will need to have consistent actions over time to help rebuild your trust. Is he trying to minimize your pain or trying to deflect so he doesn't have to be accountable? That statement concerns me because it sounds as if he's still being very self-centered.

For me, I gave myself 6-month increments to take stock, or inventory, how things with XWH were going, and how I was going. At about the 12-month mark, the pain was receding and I could see that XWH wasn't really doing the work to be a safe person, and I was starting to get the eye rolls again. (A narcissistic personality disorder [NPD] trait for devaluing a person.) Then, we decided to try MC (big mistake). He couldn't keep his hands to himself, so he crossed my hard boundary of no inappropriate contact with another female, so we D.

We'd been married over 30 years, we had our home paid off, and had our plans for retirement in place. Because of his NPD and treatment of me, I had really been miserable the last 10-15 years but put up with it for my lifestyle. I told him that his A was my golden ticket out, and I took it. Since the D and doing IC, I'm in a much better place emotionally.

Either way you decide, you are brave. It is brave to try to R and it is brave to D, just for some different reasons. Which option is better for you? That's the hard part sometimes. As JSG mentioned, when you know, you know.

ETA: If you've known about the A for less than a year, it's ok to not know what you want to do. For some, an A is an instant deal-breaker. For others, it takes time to find their path.

[This message edited by leafields at 2:08 AM, Saturday, January 27th]

I’m in the exact same position. He is actively in ic , taking responsibility , listening to me and yes I’m a freaking mess but he also keeps saying "I’m focused on our future ". They must be reading this in one of their healing books. It’s makes me insane. BUT I kinda get it. Only path forward is forward and he is working to be a better man focused on what matters and building our future

But I understand why it’s annoying … right there with you ❤️

Frustrating, and frightening. He sought a relationship outside of our marriage for connection and intimacy. He is now doing the work and all signs point to his commitment to me and us. It's early days, and I keep pointing that out to him - it's easy now because I he just got caught. What if he continues this good work and in 6 months, I just don't feel that I want to be intimate with him? What if that part doesn't come back?

What if he continues this good work and in 6 months, I just don't feel that I want to be intimate with him? What if that part doesn't come back?

This is a very normal feeling, your lizard brain is protecting you. It will take time to start believing what you are seeing, but if he stays consistent, you will start to get some trust back, not blind trust, just a comfort trust that he is safe.

SatyaMon Wrote:

he also keeps saying "I’m focused on our future "

This is very typical, "let's move on" it is from a book "The Cheaters Handbook", it not a real book but a predictable pattern. Moving on is an attempt to escape consequences, accountability, and facing the real work. You move on and look at the future at YOUR pace, your timeline. There are no shortcuts. I told my W if she wanted R she'd better buckle up, this is going to be a rough ride. I absolutely refused any rug sweeping, we are going to feel and process every single bit of this, I will ask the same questions hundreds of times, I will have good days and then bad days, it won't always make sense but I am running this from now on.

Hi! Sorry you’re here. You seem to be doing a lot of ‘what iffing’ and as none of us really know what the future brings, perhaps all you can do for now is to set yourself on a path of becoming the best version of yourself you can be, give him if you can the chance to do the same and then see where you both are further along the road.

Your doubts are natural, but why not give yourself 3 months to stabilise the trauma symptoms for now. And then see how the next three months looks. It will look a bit different. Hug, this stuff is hard.

I’m so sorry that you’re here, Elara. Waywards are pretty much always uncomfortable looking hard at what they’ve done and facing the pain that they’ve caused. He is trying to look forwards to avoid. That definitely won’t work for you, but it doesn’t work for him either if he’s committed to becoming a safe partner and better person.

In order to really become safe and reduce the danger of him ever doing something like this again, he really needs to be soul searching hard over those "dark places" that he went to. He definitely needs to be in IC himself to look deep and hard at all of the actions and thoughts that lead him to betray you and himself. It’s the WS’s hard work, and it is very, very hard indeed—so hard that many (most?) waywards never really do it. And him not doing that work is dangerous for you AND that future that he says he wants to think about.

Whatever you choose, there’s a hard road ahead for quite awhile. The difficulties are just different whichever way you choose. The road to recovery without him is likely shorter, while staying makes healing longer and harder usually exactly because of all of the shit that you have to wade through individually and together.

He has to be willing to not only listen to you and answer your questions. He has to be willing to ask himself hard questions and answer them. He has to be willing to look at every single thing that he thought and did in HARD detail with a professional who will ask him even harder questions and challenge his thinking. If he’s willing to do that and stick with it, you might be able to believe eventually that he really is worth staying with. Without him initiating and diving in to what happened on his own, without your hard questions about dark places, I’m sorry but from my experience, I don’t think you you’ll be able to live with it.

Sending you hugs of strength and support.

Separating the 'what do I want?' question from 'what will I do?' helped me figure out what I wanted - R. Then I observed my W and read about recovering from As to determine if my W was a good enough candidate for R.

I didn't do that sequentially, but I did keep the questions separate.

Also, I did my best to see myself living a good life without my W, and I gave myself permission to choose D or R or gathering more info before deciding.

I believe knowing what one wants is the 1st critical question for recovery, even if what one wants is unobtainable.