It seems like it’s been forever, but it’s only been 2 months since I’ve been on here.
The last I said was that I was waiting til after Xmas to get a divorce. He had told me that he couldn’t handle me anymore and he wanted a divorce. Of course, I’d already decided on one, but just hadn’t told him yet.
The reason for my decision was his lying. I found out he was still looking at stuff (porn and nudity) and he was adamant that he wasn’t. I told him I had proof and he wouldn’t come clean. He said if I had proof then show him. I told him I wasn’t bc then he’d just admit to the different things I showed and that I’m through playing that game.
My H never shows his emotions or cries. He never shares ANYTHING with me.
I told him I wanted to make Xmas special this year. I left it at that bc I didn’t want to argue or anything else, anymore. So about two weeks before Xmas, he asked if I was still getting a divorce. He said he didn’t want one. I told him that I can not live the rest of my life with someone that’s always going to lie to me. I told him I just couldn’t do it and I wasn’t going to. I told him there was no other way and that I have to lookout for myself now. He started to get teary eyed and I tried to say something to him, but he just asked if I’d leave him alone…still not willing to cry or share his feelings.
So a few days later, he told me (I’ll sum it up) that he’d looked at stuff off and on since Dday. He said the most recent was just a couple of weeks ago. He broke down and cried and shared some feelings. He said he’d do anything not to lose me. That I could put a spy app on his phone. I told him no bc that would be the only reason not to look at stuff and that’s me stopping him and not him stopping himself. Since two weeks before Xmas, he has shared a lot. His fears, his feelings and answered whatever I asked, truthfully. He said that it hasn’t worked trying to do things his way and was going to do them the way I wanted. That is….never lying about ANYTHING. I’m talking NOTHING. I told him lying was the first and top boundary. And he must be honest. Not keep secrets or refrain from telling me stuff. That he has 24 hrs to tell me if he slips up. And if I catch him in a lie, and I would, that I’m gone. This was his last chance.
I feel he’s being honest with me bc I’ve asked some really tough questions that he didn’t want to answer and he did. It was NOT fun to hear and broke my heart, but it’s the only way to see if he was really going to tell me the truth and be honest. I also told him he had to tell me as soon as he feels any urges to look at stuff. I told him that we need to try and "retrain" his brain. It’s like second nature to him. His sex addition person and his regular therapist are both working on it, among other stuff. He also has to tell me of triggers as soon as they happen bc that can lead to the urges and so forth. He admitted that it freaks him out at the thought of never looking at stuff again. It’s so ingrained in him.
This will be a very very long and hard road (while he’s trying to break the addiction) but if he stays honest and truthful then I can help him and be able to deal. He can’t do it alone and doing it together can help us both.
He told me that sharing his feelings and thoughts is PETRIFYING. He was literally shaking and crying.
I did tell him that I’m not going to promise anything. That it all depends on him and him alone. If he stays honest and truthful, never lies or hide, then it’s fine. But if he lies or hide stuff (which is not telling me….i don’t have to ask first) then I’m gone and it will be all on him.
Now….i feel bad about not being honest myself bc I want to put that app on his iPhone to see what he does and if he does lie. He has told me I could do it numerous of times. I just don’t want him to know I’m doing it bc then he will watch what he does. I want to see what he does when he thinks no one can see. And if he does something, I’m good as long as he tells me within 24 hrs or doesn’t lie if I ask if he’s looked at anything. Simple. My problem is…I don’t know which app to use or how to get it and pay for it, etc. I will have to have to use my sisters credit card for the monthly bill bc all of our stuff is joint. Can anyone help me with this? And can he tell it’s on his phone? Will the app be on there if u go to all his apps? If he looks at his downloaded apps…will if show? I know nothing about this.
If u have read this far….THANKS!
I just pray I’m doing the right thing. Only thing that makes me freak….if he lies to me again…it’s going to be the worst hurt yet.
I just hold on to the fact that he tells me if he’s watching a show and a women with no bra on and nipples hard comes on…that it was a trigger for him. He has also (without me being in the same room) turned a show off bc women were in thongs. He said it was too quick to trigger him, but he didn’t want to take a chance. He says he Absolutely hates the person he was. That I’d never know to what extreme. He cried one day (after weeks of sharing and agreeing that we need to do this together and that he can tell me anything, no matter what it is) bc he said he starting to feel like the person he used to be. He felt free and that he’s actually happy. He said he’s doing this for us, but he’s doing it for himself, first. That even if i divorce him, he’s still going to change bc this is who he wants to be and not that person he hated everything about.
If u have Info about the app then please share. I feel awful for having to do this, but after 30 years of nonstop lying, I just can’t trust without proof and his word has NEVER been good so I’m doing the only thing I can to protect myself and not keep living a lie (if he does start lying again).
Thanks u all!
