Best app for iPhone and an update on my situation
It seems like it’s been forever, but it’s only been 2 months since I’ve been on here.
The last I said was that I was waiting til after Xmas to get a divorce. He had told me that he couldn’t handle me anymore and he wanted a divorce. Of course, I’d already decided on one, but just hadn’t told him yet.
The reason for my decision was his lying. I found out he was still looking at stuff (porn and nudity) and he was adamant that he wasn’t. I told him I had proof and he wouldn’t come clean. He said if I had proof then show him. I told him I wasn’t bc then he’d just admit to the different things I showed and that I’m through playing that game.
My H never shows his emotions or cries. He never shares ANYTHING with me.
I told him I wanted to make Xmas special this year. I left it at that bc I didn’t want to argue or anything else, anymore. So about two weeks before Xmas, he asked if I was still getting a divorce. He said he didn’t want one. I told him that I can not live the rest of my life with someone that’s always going to lie to me. I told him I just couldn’t do it and I wasn’t going to. I told him there was no other way and that I have to lookout for myself now. He started to get teary eyed and I tried to say something to him, but he just asked if I’d leave him alone…still not willing to cry or share his feelings.
So a few days later, he told me (I’ll sum it up) that he’d looked at stuff off and on since Dday. He said the most recent was just a couple of weeks ago. He broke down and cried and shared some feelings. He said he’d do anything not to lose me. That I could put a spy app on his phone. I told him no bc that would be the only reason not to look at stuff and that’s me stopping him and not him stopping himself. Since two weeks before Xmas, he has shared a lot. His fears, his feelings and answered whatever I asked, truthfully. He said that it hasn’t worked trying to do things his way and was going to do them the way I wanted. That is….never lying about ANYTHING. I’m talking NOTHING. I told him lying was the first and top boundary. And he must be honest. Not keep secrets or refrain from telling me stuff. That he has 24 hrs to tell me if he slips up. And if I catch him in a lie, and I would, that I’m gone. This was his last chance.
I feel he’s being honest with me bc I’ve asked some really tough questions that he didn’t want to answer and he did. It was NOT fun to hear and broke my heart, but it’s the only way to see if he was really going to tell me the truth and be honest. I also told him he had to tell me as soon as he feels any urges to look at stuff. I told him that we need to try and "retrain" his brain. It’s like second nature to him. His sex addition person and his regular therapist are both working on it, among other stuff. He also has to tell me of triggers as soon as they happen bc that can lead to the urges and so forth. He admitted that it freaks him out at the thought of never looking at stuff again. It’s so ingrained in him.
This will be a very very long and hard road (while he’s trying to break the addiction) but if he stays honest and truthful then I can help him and be able to deal. He can’t do it alone and doing it together can help us both.
He told me that sharing his feelings and thoughts is PETRIFYING. He was literally shaking and crying.
I did tell him that I’m not going to promise anything. That it all depends on him and him alone. If he stays honest and truthful, never lies or hide, then it’s fine. But if he lies or hide stuff (which is not telling me….i don’t have to ask first) then I’m gone and it will be all on him.
Now….i feel bad about not being honest myself bc I want to put that app on his iPhone to see what he does and if he does lie. He has told me I could do it numerous of times. I just don’t want him to know I’m doing it bc then he will watch what he does. I want to see what he does when he thinks no one can see. And if he does something, I’m good as long as he tells me within 24 hrs or doesn’t lie if I ask if he’s looked at anything. Simple. My problem is…I don’t know which app to use or how to get it and pay for it, etc. I will have to have to use my sisters credit card for the monthly bill bc all of our stuff is joint. Can anyone help me with this? And can he tell it’s on his phone? Will the app be on there if u go to all his apps? If he looks at his downloaded apps…will if show? I know nothing about this.
If u have read this far….THANKS!
I just pray I’m doing the right thing. Only thing that makes me freak….if he lies to me again…it’s going to be the worst hurt yet.
I just hold on to the fact that he tells me if he’s watching a show and a women with no bra on and nipples hard comes on…that it was a trigger for him. He has also (without me being in the same room) turned a show off bc women were in thongs. He said it was too quick to trigger him, but he didn’t want to take a chance. He says he Absolutely hates the person he was. That I’d never know to what extreme. He cried one day (after weeks of sharing and agreeing that we need to do this together and that he can tell me anything, no matter what it is) bc he said he starting to feel like the person he used to be. He felt free and that he’s actually happy. He said he’s doing this for us, but he’s doing it for himself, first. That even if i divorce him, he’s still going to change bc this is who he wants to be and not that person he hated everything about.
If u have Info about the app then please share. I feel awful for having to do this, but after 30 years of nonstop lying, I just can’t trust without proof and his word has NEVER been good so I’m doing the only thing I can to protect myself and not keep living a lie (if he does start lying again).
Thanks u all!
1 comment posted: Thursday, January 18th, 2024
Why is deciding to leave so damn hard?
Why is deciding to leave so hard? I’ve still been going to marriage counseling and as of this last Monday, I was still going to have him do the disclosure and lie detector. My H had written a rough draft disclosure and I had read it. I told him that I wanted him to do it with his counselor and I gave him a list of questions to also cover. These questions were worded so that there would be no confusion with the lie detector. Well, his counselor told him it was absolutely too much and that he’d already admitted cheating and blah blah blah. That me wanting to know more and more is overboard and obsessive.
We then had our marriage counseling appointment. She pretty much told me the same, but in a nicer way. Not even one of the questions is new. They are all the normal questions I’ve had. I had them grouped into 5 groups bc that’s all the questions that the lie detector guy will ask. These are questions that I never got answered and weren’t mentioned on the disclosure.
So needless to say….I felt…defeated. She proceeded to tell me this is being obsessive and it’s not good for me. I told her if he’d answered the damn questions in the beginning then it wouldn’t be considered obsessive!
I can only describe the feelings as if I went into the doctors office with a broken arm and wanted an x-ray. The doc tells me it’s not broken and that he doesn’t think I need an X -ray. He sends me home bc that’s what he thinks I need. Doesn’t listen to what I want or know will help. So I get sent home, still in pain and still a broken arm. Now it’s just going to heal wrong and take a lot longer and hurt a lot worse.
I know that might sound crazy, but the best way I could explain how hopeless I felt. I just cried. And this should have been a major warning for my H, but I told him he didn’t have to take the lie detector test. That i changed my mind and not to worry with it.
I asked if there was ANYTHING he’d add to the disclosure? Mind u, I had asked the question about him looking at stuff. He said there wasn’t anything to add. Lol
I’m going to wait until after Christmas and then I’m going to find an attorney and talk to them.
U know….if he would have just admitted that he still looks at stuff….but no. He continues to lie.
My marriage counselor knows he’s still looking at stuff bc I’d managed to tell her while he went to the bathroom once.
Her theory is that it’s an addiction and like with all addictions….they lie to cover it.
I get it…..I honestly do. But I just can’t stay in a marriage where I know he’s lying and always will. And he hasn’t told me bc he doesn’t WANT to stop. He enjoys it and is going to keep on. If he wanted to stop and really meant it….he’d tell me he slipped up and we would deal and get through his addiction together. But he doesn’t tell or share bc he wants to keep doing it.
How can I leave my best friend for the last 30 years? Tell me I can do this.
23 comments posted: Sunday, November 12th, 2023
Porn use/porn addiction
This question is for the WS that won’t/can’t stop looking at porn. I’m trying to understand.
Why do you/did you keep looking if your BS didn’t want you to? Do you feel it’s your life and you can do what you want? Can you not control the urge? Do you/did you keep doing it bc you liked it and didn’t care what your BS felt or thought? Did you/do you keep doing it bc you figured she’d never find out? Just help me understand how you feel and think, in all honesty. This is for the WS that still looks and for the ones that don’t look anymore.
1 comment posted: Tuesday, October 17th, 2023
Well, I did the hidden camera
Yes, I’m back. I know most of you think I’m crazy and wish I’d would shut up and get the hell away from my H.
As you all know, I went on a trip and was considering putting up a hidden camera. Well, I did.
And the day after I left, he’s looking at nudity/porn 🤦♀️. Needless to say, I was crushed.
Some of you may wonder what the big deal is. It’s the addiction and the lying. That’s what it is. It’s not just nudity, he was watching just a video of a woman in a normal coverage bikini. He watched it twice, the third time he paused it to stare at her! Wtf!? It wasn’t even a thong or pasties!
Of course, the deal was, if you mess up…tell me within 24 hrs. I explained, repeatedly, that it would build trust…even if I got upset. I’d still trust him more. I’ve burned it into his freaking moronic brain that lying, about anything, will make me leave. That I want TOTAL truth and honesty. I even explained that I can understand it’s a habit/addiction.
He had me believing, about 60%, that he actually didn’t look at the stuff still and that he doesn’t get horny anymore. Am I a fucking idiot or what!?
I mean, he never wants it really, his testosterone is low…not beliw too low, but right before it.
Since the beginning of 2022 ….until now, he’s admitted to looking at naked women once. That was after an argument and I said I wanted a divorce.
I gave him ample opportunities to tell me about this. And the way he looked it up…..he does it often. I couldn’t see words, but it was something long to type and go to. And he did it with ease, not showing any nervousness or anything. He does this shit all the time! And I won’t handle porn/nudity. Mainly bc I feel it is an addiction and he will just do worse. Hell, it’s proven.
I have not told him I know. I’ve just been quiet and just told him I felt he was not telling me the truth. He got mad and talked about how unfair it is to him for me to treat him like this when he hasn’t even done anything. 😳😳😳Girl……I’m surprised I didn’t have a heart attack holding it in. I just sat there, envisioning me smashing his head into the floor, repeatedly. Pulling a Lorna Bobbit on him…..it took every ounce of my self control! It actually hurt. I deserve a F-ing trophy!
Anyway, I don’t want to give away how I know this bc for one, I need to catch him more (I save the files) and once I give away how I know….he’ll freak the hell out and that will be it anyway.
I’m sorry it’s so long….just had to vent.
And no…I’m still stupid and don’t know what to do. A part of me is ….FU…I’m outta here. The other part (the stupid understanding part) is saying….it’s an addiction. U know he’s going to slip up a lot and only time will show and help. But then the other part screams……well he can get over his f-ing addiction without you! You don’t have to suffer any longer!
I’m torn and I’m going to see an attorney to talk over things incase I go that direction.
It’s the lying….I just can’t take it anymore 😢.
And if I’m being honest…..I say tell me the truth, but I don’t think I could handle him telling me every other day that he looked at porn 🤦♀️.
17 comments posted: Thursday, October 12th, 2023
Ok….who has ever used a mini spy cam? What kind? I see all sorts…the USB phone charger looks the best. I’d think you would be able to see the little dot/camera. Has anyone used one and how did it go? Also, what are some that film nonstop and record to a phone app? So if needed, it’s all saved on the app. I don’t want one that is saved to just a chip bc then it has to be watched and erased within an allotted time.
35 comments posted: Monday, September 4th, 2023
Need input asap
My husband said he’s finished his disclosure. He just needs to get with therapist and write it in chronological order. I’m afraid his therapist is going to tell him to leave out certain details that he thinks I shouldn’t hear. And to be honest, I hate thinking about my H reading it to me in front of our therapist bc it’s going to be hurtful and private.
So my question is….should I read it now? He said I could or I could wait and he’d read it to me in front of the therapist. He knows he’s having to take a polygraph on it. So I thought I’d read now and then he can still do his part with therapist in case he thinks of something else bc the polygraph won’t be until that day.
I need advice and thoughts, please!!! And soon…was going to read tonight.
26 comments posted: Friday, June 2nd, 2023
This is aimed at the people that stayed with your spouse
Staying with your spouse is hard enough, but what do you all do about the sex? I mean, you start and you are ok, but afterwards I have to go to another room or make excuses bc I cry my eyes out. Will it ever be different? Will I ever be able to just have sex without seeing them together and being hurt bc when he orgasms, I know he had just as much fun with her and if felt just as good if not better with the AP. It’s been a year since Dday (well, just 3 months since I found out ALL the truth) and I still feel this way. Please tell me there’s a day that I won’t feel this way and it won’t feel like my heart is in a vice grip every time after sex.
13 comments posted: Friday, May 19th, 2023
Is there any book out there that explains to the cheater what the betrayed goes through and all the emotions and pain?l/how it feels??
Bc unless it’s happened to the cheater, they can only "imagine" what it’s like….they can’t actually fathom the pain and stuff we go through.
It’s like having a baby….they know it hurts, but they have NO idea.
Anyway…..is there a book u know about that helps them see the devastation that cheating cause and makes the person feel?
4 comments posted: Thursday, May 11th, 2023
Disclosure and lie detector
For all of you that have done the marriage counseling, how did the disclosure go and the lie detector afterwards? Did your spouse fail it? Do u think they told the truth on the disclosure? Tell me the details of how it all goes down, if u can.
Is it best to do the disclosure lie detector or get one yourself?
4 comments posted: Tuesday, April 25th, 2023
Tell me I’m not the only one
Your spouse is the one person you thought you could always turn to. They are there for your happiness, your pain, your sadness, ur fears….just everything. I so much want him to hold me and comfort me, but I won’t let him bc he’s the one that did this to me. I can’t let myself accept "comfort" from him when he’s the one that caused me all this pain. And the comfort your spouse can give you (since I’ve been with him for 29 years now) is what you want. The comfort from others just isn’t the same. Sigh. It hurts and enrages me even more to even think of him comforting me, but that’s what I wish I could do. Am I crazy???? Please tell me you understand what I’m saying. I can handle comfort from him bc of other reasons, but not from the pain he’s caused.
If I’m not crazy then how did (if u have) you overcome it?
27 comments posted: Monday, April 3rd, 2023
How do you heal?
I’m still deciding to stay and try or just leave. BUT if I stay and try, how do you heal? Do you just push it out of your mind? I’ve done that for yearssss and I can’t see how that is healing. That’s more hiding. I just don’t see how to heal in a good way. How did you all heal?
9 comments posted: Saturday, February 11th, 2023
More info since he agreed to the test
I updated everything that has happened in General bc I asked a question for WS also. It’s labeled "He agreed to take lie detector".
I was wanting to add that he’s always told me he broke it off with the main chick (there’s been three). Today he shared (just remembered…prob scared I’d ask it on the test) that he broke up with her bc she wanted him to leave me and she would leave her husband. He didn’t want to (she’s into every drug u could find and a ho) so she got mad and stopped coming in. I asked him if she had not wanted to get serious, would he have ever stopped screwing her. He said he didn’t know bc it didn’t happen. Long story short, he said it’s very possible that he would not have broke it off with her. 🤦♀️
1 comment posted: Wednesday, February 8th, 2023
He has agreed to lie detector (moved to General)
This Topic has been moved to General
0 comment posted: Tuesday, February 7th, 2023
Anyone’s WS have anger issues?
My husband and I are still doing counseling.
We are still doing about the same (if u have read my past post). He is still trickle feeding me truths and each time that’s all there is…he promises🙄. Still refuses a lie detector.
My issue is his anger. He’s ALWAYS had no patience and short fuse. Always yelling, screaming and cussing over anything and everything. He has been a little better the past couple of years. I still have tons of questions and stuff I want to discuss with him, but every time I try to bring something up he says…"u are trying to start some shit! I’ve already told u everything (ha), so u are just trying to start a fight!" And each time we will get into a fight even though I stay calm. Is talking about it and having questions not a normal part of healing??? I mean, it’s been 9 months, but those 9 months were him lying to me nonstop and the last "truth" he told me was the first of Dec. So it’s like Dday all over again.
And like I’ve always done, when he starts in yelling and cussing, I close down. I just say ok to shut him up. I, myself, have so much anger from him always being this way….I just hold it all in and always have. Prob the reason for my many health problems🙄.
How do u all handle people like this (anger issues)? I’d say it’s just his way not to have to talk about it, but he’s been this way for 28 years so that’s not the only reason.
And another thing, one of the women he messed with lives 5 hrs away. I have a friend that would easily do a road trip with me. Should I pay her a visit and at least get some truths from her??? She’s a druggie so if I offer money, she’ll prob tell me anything I want to know. It’s not like it’s a big deal to her….she screws everyone.
37 comments posted: Saturday, January 21st, 2023
How much is too much
Ok….my husband has been trickle feeding me truths over the past 8 months. If u have read my other post then u know I want a lie detector and he said he’d divorce me first. To me that just proves he’s still lying or omitting telling me stuff. He’s says it’s bc they aren’t right and he’s not taking it.
Anyway, his therapist pretty much told him not to tell me details. I’m totally against this. My husband says….u know I screwed her. How many times and where and etc doesn’t matter.
I’m sorry, but I disagree. I want the whole story…not the blurb on the back of the freaking book!
This is how I think…..I want u all to tell me how u feel….I think whatever the spouse wants to know then the WP should tell EXCEPT for comparison things. If I ask who’s breast did u like better….then no…don’t answer. If I ask…how many times did u mess around with so-and-so (he admitted to cheating on me with another, but supposedly only kissed and felt her up once…I don’t believe that at all) then I think that is an ok question. And it’s not as much as having to know exactly…it’s more wanting to know bc I feel he’s lying his ass off and the lying is what I CAN’T STAND!!
14 comments posted: Thursday, December 15th, 2022
Did you stay faithful?
This is for the WS. It’s a simple question that I’d like to ask those that stayed with their BS.
Did u stay Faithful or did you end up cheating again?
2 comments posted: Tuesday, December 6th, 2022
Why can’t they just tell the truth?!?!
I’ve been married for 25 years. Dated for three years before that. I found out this April that he cheated on me. Since I’ve found out, there have been lies after lies after lies. He only tells me the truth if I have proof of something. This has happened 4 different times and so each time he has sworn that’s all and even swore on his parents life. Of course, each time I find out it’ just proves that he lied before that when he swore there was nothing else. So now I can’t believe a word he says.
Thanks to the pics and video I found in the beginning, I now have that to replay in my mind every day of my life. And him saying stuff to her that he says to me. He didn’t even have the decency to take off his wedding ring so that’s in the video while he’s doing all kinds of things. (She’s 15 years younger than him and a skanky drug ho)
I told him I want a lie detector since I can’t believe him further than I can throw him. He told me he will NEVER get one and that he will divorce me first. The audacity! He told me in the beginning, which was another lie, that he’d take one if I’d do marriage counseling with him.
I just can’t start to rebuild a relationship with him when he won’t tell me all the truth and the other secrets he’s not admitting to. Why would I want to start over on a ground of untruths and lies??? So now I feel like I have no choice except divorce. Sigh. I’m not relenting about the truth/lie detector. He’s just scared to death of the questions I’d ask. It’s rumored about him messing with like three other people. Mind u, he came home and told me all the rumors. I guess so if he was guilty then it would make him look innocent if I heard them. There were rumors about the chick he did cheat with, but it was rumors from before 2020. So did he do her back then, too??! 🤦♀️
I’m just so hurt that after all he’s done to me (there’s other stuff in the past like porn and stuff) he can’t come clean about everything and us start over, maybe. Why can’t he just tell me everything?? He just keeps saying he has.
80 comments posted: Sunday, November 27th, 2022