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Very gently, I think you're in your head, and recovery requires one's whole system to do work.

My gut tells me your self-talk still attacks you for your W's decisions, compounded by your willingness to stay in a Reconciliation that is more imperfect than most other Rs.

Your W is herself. You can change her. Gently, you can change yourself if you want to, but you may need help.

Right now, you're focusing on the tragedy of your situation - the desire for your W and your life to be different. I agree that you deserve to be loved by your W. You deserved a faithful W. Since she cheated that's impossible, but you deserved a remorseful, contrite W. In reality, you're not sure you're loved, and your W isn't totally faithful or remorseful and contrite.

Where do you want to be? Are you hooked enough on your W to stay under these conditions? I can't judge the answer, and I wouldn't if I could. The answers to these questions have to come from you. I can say that you're not stuck. I can say that you'd probably find a new partner if you were single. And I can say that on average, you've probably got 3+ decades of your life left.

Here's the thing: I can see good reasons for staying and for leaving. I can't see good reasons for beating yourself up.

You've been in grief and shame for a long time. The only way out that I can think of is IC/therapy, and there's no guarantee. My bet is that if you look at yourself deeply, you'll find someone who is as good as everyone else. You'll find a guy who is braver than he thinks, a guy with less reason for shame than he thinks, a guy who has every reason to feel good about himself whether you stay or go.

So my reco is to find an IC who can help you find those guys. I'm pretty sure you can stop suffering, if you find the right help.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:20 PM, Sunday, January 14th]

I thought I was special to her. It’s that feeling I miss. I was special.

Basing your view of yourself on how others view you is always perilous, even when what they think is good. Always. At a minimum, it always leaves you open for manipulation, friendly or otherwise, because your definition of Who You Are depends on What They (Appear To) Think. At its worst, it leaves you where you are now. Gutted.

It’s also a deeply rooted thing for us, to pursue and accept their opinions of us. Incredibly hard to swim upstream against. But it starts with recognizing the effect. Look for it in your thoughts and actions. Once you see it, it becomes clear.

"I thought I knew everything about her, (obviously I did not). I thought I was special to her. It’s that feeling I miss. I was special. It still hurts, and always will hurt, how I was replaced in her heart and her bed so quickly. EA started in spring of 98, and she was fucking him by June 98. The A was 6 months, and she thought she was in love. Then, even in my horrible pain, I agreed to try to work this out, and I was the asshole...

Add to that, my poor choice to not discuss it with her after first year, to not throw in her face, and to not talk to anyone about the A. It became my shame, but it really wasn’t. I was so lonely. My friends that knew about A in the beginning were great for the first year. Then they stopped asking me how I was."

I relate so very much to this. That loss of trust that your wife and you are ONE. A team against the world. The realization that a smooth talker that sees her at work can peel her off from you in a matter of days or weeks is crushing.

My two friends that knew were very supportive...for the first week or so after DDay. After that it was as if nothing happened. I was a mess.

WW refused to admit to anything I could prove and sometimes not even that. After several long interrogations where she angrily asserted that I could take it or leave it and that was "everything", I ran out of emotional gas. I rugswept.

She never really healed either. I never made peace with her nature and the affair, I just numbed it away whenever it came up and we lived a marriage with a lot of distance that didn't need to be there for 17 more years.

This stuff doesn't stay buried! It comes back like the Terminator. I hope your wife can finally join team R and truly dig into this with you, so you can have the kind of closeness you both deserve in the time that remains for your marriage.

I divorced my ex due to similar thoughts. I loved her as my wife. I truly thought that she felt I was special to her. Every "I love you" or "you are so important to me" means so little now. I’m sure she meant them when she said them but her actions blemished every word now.
I have always known that good people can also do bad things. I can choose to forgive or not. How do you see the person who told you they would never hurt you while also doing something that would destroy you. How do you reconcile the importance you felt you were to each other when something like this happens?
I love my ex as the mother of my children. She was and is a great mother. I would still do just about anything for her or her family. Being together so long doesn’t erase what she or her family meant to me. Much like a badly healed broken leg, I may still be able to walk but people can tell that you suffer. I do hope that you can find happiness in the person your wife is now.
However you choose to proceed, do so at your own pace and invest in it what you are comfortable with. She will not know the level of hurt you suffer from at her hands. I hope you can find the path to a successful reconciliation.

HI sisson,

I totally get this, the innocence of my marriage was destroyed on DDAY and I couldn't get it back and it broke my heart. I ended up divorcing anyway, but that loss has stuck with me my whole life to this day.

Perhaps with time, a newly found compassion and respect for who you both are now might be possible? You might find that the term "soulmate" means more to you having had it put to the test. It can be a fluid, dynamic feeling, not something only found in past where you cannot go.

I hope this helps and I'm glad you are doing better with your W.

Thank you guys.

It is the loss of innocence that sucks. I stupidly believed if you love someone, and they love you, that was all you needed. There would be ups and downs, but she would always have my back.

She is trying to build trust. I understand that. But she is avoiding the biggest event in our marriage.

Maybe the two people is really me, as you guys pointed out. The trusting guy is gone. I feel like something is broken inside of me, and I don’t think it can be fixed. I read this from a lot of guys on SI-they love their wife, but it seems whatever happened destroyed the road forward, no matter what they do.

I have thought about D, but I don’t think another relationship is in the cards. I can’t give all of me to one person again. I know FWB is possible, but I want more.

I am in IC, and it has helped-while I think OM is a piece of shit, I don’t actively hate him. (I don’t wish him well) I never met him, so he died not betray me. He broke the guy code-he has to live with the fact he is a piece of shit. This is real progress for me.

This is a shitty road. I should not be here-ever. I should not know about SI.

I am emotionally exhausted after this year. I hope she helps me more this year in R. What is one more year of trying, right? I have already lived through the worst of it.

I have thought about D, but I don’t think another relationship is in the cards. I can’t give all of me to one person again. I know FWB is possible, but I want more.

Before I found out about my WW'S infidelity, the thought of being with another woman made me ill. I mean, they would smell different, feel different...

Even after Dday, I was resigned to singlehood if R did not work out. Well, R did not work out and I found myself single again. And boy, was I wrong about feeling queasy. Since my S, I have had two relationships and they have opened up my mind to a world I was missing. I don't need to be graphic, but I have had the most profoundly satisfying intimacy post S/D that I have ever had. I had been living in a desert and didn't know it.

I am in my second post S/D relationship and hope it will be my last. If not, I'm very happy with myself and that puts me in a good place to chose to be with someone or not.

Right now, you are still reeling from the trauma. You will come out of this process a little scarred and a lot stronger. Who you will become and how you will then feel are things that haven't been written yet. Have faith.