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Hi,

I'm working on a few things at the moment. Justifications being a big one, but I am getting a better understanding of those. The one really troubling me is RESENTMENT.

I have gone through may phases of resentment over the last six years.

- I resented BS for MAKING me leave my AP in 2017
- I resented BS for MAKING me leave my job where I met AP (despite previously looking for a new job with the support of AP)
- I resented BS for MAKING me be open and honest with her
- I resented having to give up social media, lose the "friends" who were supportive of my infidelity, making me feel terrible when digging into my past, for wanting to talk, for digging into my "Private" life, for wanting me to open up all my e-mail accounts. Everything that a BS needs to do and know to save a marriage, I resented.

I have spoken at length with BS recently on this. More recently, the resentment has lessened and been replaced by avoidance. So, another thing we're working on.

My question to BS and WS. I feel a whole lot less resentment towards BS as I take ownership of my past. However, there are times this flashed up and I react. I get angry or shut down. I "internally" hate everything she is doing (I do realise this is not at all internal and my body language changes). I stop answering questions or answer them with venom rather than compassion.

I believe this behaviour occurs less often than previously, in the past pretty much every conversation ended up with me shouting at BS my answers to her questions (honest replies or otherwise). Have any of you encountered this, at times when you believe progress is being made, when you have been communication compassionately and with empathy, there is a sudden regression backwards?

I feel awful when I do this. A lot of good work and conversation ruined by a wayward reaction.

BS here. 10 or 11 years out, still married. Now 24 years married, I’m 47- he’s 54.

Had this convo with my husband this morning. He was resentful/defensive (which is how his presents) when I really needed him to step up and channel some compassion or empathy for me.

My part of the convo was this- "I’m asking for you to validate me when I’m having a hard time with this (not affair related, related to parenting) difficult issue). "

He got defensive, so I took another tact to try to explain. I found compassion for him, tried to understand how lost and upset he was when he cheated. I found a pretty super human ability to still channel compassion he did not deserve. I likened it to understanding binge eating on cheap generic Oreo type cookies. Like not even the good Oreos. I likened his affair to shoving cheap stale Oreos down my throat when I’m upset. Equally self destructive, feels good in the moment, and you feel dirty and sick afterwards.

I showed him grace and compassion when he chose to cheat.

He owes me more than his paltry effort he was showing. After this long, and all the work I’ve done to not find his ass with my boot, he owes me compassion and grace. At least as much as I gave him. If not way more.

I think he heard me. But until then, it was all very him-centered. I wasn’t asking for things right, I wasn’t explaining things in a way he could understand, he didn’t get it, all excuses.

Then I said that. And maybe he got it.

Or maybe I need a trip to the Home Depot to buy some lime and shovels. lol, I’ll let you know.

This needs to be about your BS when they’re hurting, not about you. And that post seemed very ego-centric.

She needs something from you, and you need to step up to do it. Or be transparent and say you can’t. Then let her decide what to do.

Resentment makes it about you, not about the relationship you’re trying to help. It’s not about you. Making things about you was what got you here in the first place.

It helps me to see my marriage as a separate person, one I want to treat well. Separate from my husband. I want the relationship to heal. Sometimes he can go kick rocks, but I am invested in the relationship so I do not say that.

[This message edited by 3yrsout at 9:55 PM, Friday, December 29th]

Hmmm so I noticed you put all caps on "making me" and I’m not sure if you did that for the reasons I would have. Nobody can "make you" do anything. You’re fully in charge of that. Your resentments sound like you’re doing things "for her" rather than for yourself which will only keep building more resentments.

Part of ownership over our own behavior is in realizing that we are in control of our decisions and of managing our expectations of others.

What did you expect to get in return from your BS for doing all of this "for her?"

Part of getting over resentment for me personally as a BS was to manage my expectations and realize that they were not serving me. Having expectations of others was me saying, "I expect you to do this without communicating it to you and expect you to already know what I expect, and I will sacrifice this for you to give me that"

It was foolish. I can have standards of someone else and choose to communicate and walk away when I see the person is not someone that can meet those standards bc it’s not who they are…changing them isn’t going to happen, having expectations of them to change is foolish and controlling. I can control one thing in my standards…me. I can have the standards (of others and self), meet people where they’re at as they are and walk when I have to. Changing them or demanding them is not an option. Getting resentful bc they didn’t meet my expectations is not an option and reads silly to me.

You could have said no in each resentment you listed and kept all of the things the way you wanted to. She would have of course had the right to walk away, and you would have to live with that outcome as well.

Resentment, to me, is ill placed blame. The person that made the decision to "sacrifice" whatever for another person expecting a certain result is Y O U.

In your scenario, you’re not really sacrificing anything *for your BS* as an AP is something that she didn’t sign up for when she married you in the first place.

You granted yourself the right to have an AP and keep your BS against her will and now that she’s saying, "Hey, that was not acceptable and not what I agreed to and very taking behavior of me. I need you to do XYZ if you want to keep me and save our marriage or I walk" well…you can do those things and own your behavior and your hurtful choices to have taken advantage of her in your marriage in the first place by having an AP and an affair…

Or you can say no, and deal with her saying, "I deserve better" and she walks away. You deal with the aftermath of losing your marriage.

The definition of resentment is, "bitter indignation at being treated unfairly."

As a BS I had every right to feel resentment yet I still had to look at self and see that I chose to make the sacrifices I did, and I chose to stay with someone that didn’t serve me. I didn’t know any better and so I have compassion for myself in that and in not knowing what abuse looked like. But it was still my choice to stay, my choice to sacrifice.

I’m not really sure as a WS what you believe you’re being treated unfairly in. The scenario of having an AP and keeping your marriage under false and taking pretenses is cake eating behavior. Your BS is saying, hey, no, you can’t do that. I don’t deserve it. And you’re the being treated unfairly when she says no?

Why not use the term 'anger' instead of 'resentment'?

I was taught that anger comes from wanting something in your life to be different and that there are 2 types of anger - that which you may be able to do something about and that which you can't.

If it's the 2nd type of anger, the best you can do with it is give it up. Just let it go.

If it's the 1st, the best thing you can do is to decide what you'll do and do it.

- I resented BS for MAKING me leave my AP in 2017
- I resented BS for MAKING me leave my job where I met AP (despite previously looking for a new job with the support of AP)
- I resented BS for MAKING me be open and honest with her
- I resented having to give up social media, lose the "friends" who were supportive of my infidelity, making me feel terrible when digging into my past, for wanting to talk, for digging into my "Private" life, for wanting me to open up all my e-mail accounts. Everything that a BS needs to do and know to save a marriage, I resented.

All that is stuff you can do something about. I think you're saying you chose to do what was requested and to stay angry at your W for your choices. That's not honest or healthy, so IMO it's gret that you're changing.

I feel a whole lot less resentment towards BS as I take ownership of my past.

I read that as: you feel better the more honest you are. That makes sense to me.

One reason for your continued resentment may be that you're angry at yourself for opening yourself up to your W's comments and questions and that part of you wishes it would go away.

One possible approach is to own your anger when the A comes up by saying something like, 'I wish I hadn't cheated, but since I did, my response is:___________________.'

The anger isn't the problem. What you do with it may be. Turning it inward, then outward, via resenting is a problem. Owning and defusing it resolves it. I don't think your W will be surprised to hear that your first reaction is anger when either of you brings up the A, if you honestly work to change that to, maybe, being as authentically supportive as possible.

That stuff you resent? It looks to me like you are the prime beneficiary of doing doing what your W demanded. (That's largely because I've been in some dishonest relationships, and I felt awful about myself all the way through them. YMMV.)

As a BS, my reco is to not avoid issues. Bring them up, the sooner, the better so as to avoid them festering and coming out at a really bad time.

Hang in. You're getting it.

Thanks for the responses so far. I’m taking them in and will respond.

I don’t think I capitalised enough words in my list. These resentments a mostly in the past, some of it is still with me and indeed manifests as anger.

For further perspective, there is something my BS did during my affairs which I used to justify my "we not happy". It’s perfectly normal, but I got annoyed b6 it and would tell her so. I did a lot of work on myself do deal with my shitty reactions. I was doing well until the weekend. She did it again and I reacted with annoyance. I recognised straight away, but am concerned by the back step. Again, this is something that she does regularly and I’ve not triggered, until the weekend. I’m not sure why I did.

I did certainly once think BS was making me do the work, because she was. I was not interested in doing it nor did I feel I had to. I do now see the need for the work and do not feel I’m being made to do so. I want to, despite the mammoth task I have ahead of me

Bulcy,

Like you have feel like resentment fuels all of my anger, frustration, and sometimes rage...but I now see how absolutely absurd that is coming from the one who perpetrated the hurt on your victim. One of the replies correctly posted that the definition of resentment is "bitter indignation at being treated unfairly"...so who got treated unfairly in this relationship?! I am a WS too with a not so dissimilar history as your signature line suggests, and man WE are the problem, not them.

The very nature of being a victim is unfair, and we are not the victims here.

Answer this for yourself:
Was it was unfair to your betrayed spouse that you cheated, lied, committed fraud, gaslit, violated, abused, denied them agency, intimidated, stole from them (time, money, happiness, agency, opportunity... the list goes on) all for your selfishness that you somehow justified as okay along the way?

No my fellow WS, we NEVER have the right to be bitter or indignant about their pain and suffering.

My suggestion is that you focus solely on humility...humble yourself in every possible way, starting with the small things and going from there to learn humility in the face of the person you very unfairly treated. I am trying (not very successful yet) to do the same.

It is the betrayed spouse's who own the rights to bitter indignation at being treated unfairly...don't steal that from them too.

Humility.

I have spoken at length with BS recently on this. More recently, the resentment has lessened and been replaced by avoidance. So, another thing we're working on.

I actually think resentment and avoidance are similar sides of the same coin. Both allow you to escape negative emotions you may have about yourself.

I feel a whole lot less resentment towards BS as I take ownership of my past.

Great! That's progress.

However, there are times this flashed up and I react. I get angry or shut down. I "internally" hate everything she is doing (I do realise this is not at all internal and my body language changes). I stop answering questions or answer them with venom rather than compassion.

Have you read about Gottman and what he describes as the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse? Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling? It sounds like you're hitting all the high notes. I recommend you read more about them and start identifying what you are doing and WHY when they occur - if you can't quite do it in the moment (it's hard when you're feeling emotionally flooded), at least do it after the fact. Gottman lists a bunch of "antidotes" to each of them that help repair that you may also find helpful.

Hi Bulcy

Why do you fell this resentment? Truly why? Why not be angry at yourself? It is so much easier to be angry at someone else for our bad choices. Do you struggle with entitlement? Narcissism? It’s interesting really. What I have noticed is many of us have these feelings of entitlement and narcissism and then at the same time are insecure and lost. Somewhere behind all of these facades is the conscience.

I don’t know your story. Why are you still married if you are so resentful? Looks like a long road you have been on. Would you be happier just alone and free to make your own choices? R is not for everyone and if you are still struggling after all this time…maybe it’s time to find a new path.

MP

I could feel my xws' resentment. I got fed up and I divorced him. He will never have to feel like I "made" him do anything again. Of course now he resents me for divorcing him, but that's a him problem. You have more ability to self reflect, so I'll break it down for you, you're not the only one with resentment. However, only one person was the victim of infidelity. Work hard on stepping out of your resentment and putting yourself in your spouse's shoes. Think of how valid your resentment would actually be of you were the victim of her infidelity. She has extended you grace that you do not deserve. Run with that. Putting yourself in her shoes will help you get better perspective and more empathy. How you feel isn't wrong. Of course you want to look away from your choices and the hurt you caused. Much easier to ignore than face that you did something awful. Nobody wants to think they're an awful person or that they did something awful, but if you don't work through it and fix what made you make those choices in the first place, you will end up divorced. If you love your spouse, and want your marriage, then it will be worth all of that hard work of facing who you were.

bitter indignation at being treated unfairly.

This is a prefect description of resentment. My resentment was certainly very selfish, to think I was the one being treated unfairly when it was my choices that have put us in this position. Only one of us has been treated unfairly and that is, of course, not me. It still took me years of being told this be BS (being told this, I of course resented) before it even started to ring true.

This needs to be about your BS when they’re hurting, not about you. And that post seemed very ego-centric.

You're right. Everything through the whole relationship has been about me. That was the entire point of the post, I have resisted the need for change. I've fought tooth and nail to not fix me, because I did not believe I needed to change. The resentments I had were a refusal to do the work needed. I held onto beliefs and justifications about myself and APs that were simply not true and made BS the enemy in her attempts to help. Utterly shameful behaviour.

I struggle with dealing with my own emotions. Working through my past choices is devastating for me and even more so for BS. I've focussed too much om my pain. I'm trying to switch this, to be open and honest about my feelings and at the same time acknowledge my BS feelings. It is hard for me, decades for shitty selfishness need to be torn down. Hence the incident over Christmas when I slipped back into reacting to something which should not and usually does not bother me.

I’m not really sure as a WS what you believe you’re being treated unfairly in. The scenario of having an AP and keeping your marriage under false and taking pretenses is cake eating behavior. Your BS is saying, hey, no, you can’t do that. I don’t deserve it. And you’re the being treated unfairly when she says no?

It's interesting you say cake eating behaviour. I agree, I felt entitled to have my cake and eat it. Recognition of this took too long. One thing this triggered in my mind was the denial that any former AP of mine was still an AP. I believed that as I was no longer in communication with these women, the affairs were long over. Not true of course. I was still protecting them by not divulging the full truth. I was still protecting them by not seeing them as they truly are. By getting angry at BS and resenting doing the work I was keeping every single AP alive. Protecting people who along with me have destroyed our marriage and then getting angry at BS for wanting me to understand what the fuck was going on is horrific.

but I now see how absolutely absurd that is coming from the one who perpetrated the hurt on your victim

No my fellow WS, we NEVER have the right to be bitter or indignant about their pain and suffering.

Yes, this is why I'm so upset and annoyed at myself when I fall backwards into previous behaviours.

My suggestion is that you focus solely on humility...humble yourself in every possible way, starting with the small things and going from there to learn humility in the face of the person you very unfairly treated. I am trying (not very successful yet) to do the same.

Thank you for this, I am, not very successfully, trying. Good luck in your journey.

I actually think resentment and avoidance are similar sides of the same coin. Both allow you to escape negative emotions you may have about yourself.

Yes, absolutely. A lot of my actions in the past have been avoidant. Be this anger, shutting down, half arsed attempts at time lines, storming out of the house. EVERYTHING to avoid acceptance of who I am.

Why do you fell this resentment? Truly why?

Being worked on. Avoidance and justifications have played a major part. I made BS the enemy for years while actively in my infidelity and after, while working on me. I refused to be honest. My BS wanted honesty (obviously) and I did not give this to her. I would then get angry when called out. Now I am working on honesty, I still have work to do on this, the resentments are leaving. I'm feeling calmer while talking and feel more comfortable in opening up and showing my underlying emotions.

Why not be angry at yourself?

I was and in many ways still am a selfish asshole. A serial adulterer and an abusive piece of shit. Why would I chose to blame myself? I do now blame me for every one of my choices in the past. I accept that responding with anger and building resentment is my choice and for me to fix. Sadly, this is still something I am very conscious of and have to actively do calming exercises when the discussions get difficult. I hope for this to be a default with further work

It is so much easier to be angry at someone else for our bad choices.

Especially as a wayward, its our way of dealing with things

Do you struggle with entitlement? Narcissism?

Yes and maybe. I've felt entitled for most of my life really. It's built as time went on. Hopefully I'm losing this sense, I recognise I still have work to do and that I actually have to work at it. Change is not going to happen by wising it will. I show narcissistic traits, but I imagine a lot of people do. I've never been diagnosed (I've never been tested). Self diagnosis feels like I'm building a justification. Similar to my past thought of porn addiction, I was not addicted and it was an excuse for using porn rather than being intimate with BS

Why are you still married if you are so resentful?

I want to be the best man I can for the woman I love. These resentments I had were when I wanted to be married but not change my behaviour. I felt I was constantly being reminded of my failings and as I had not owned them, I hated them being brought up. Any indication my BS was trying to help me was rejected. It is painful looking back at how I reacted to her trying to save me and our marriage. I want to be the man my BS deserves.

She has extended you grace that you do not deserve. Run with that.

Very true, thank you

Bulcy

I recently saw the methodology I preach labeled as the "Bigger Speech".
There are several versions of it, but the basis is that the betrayed spouse tells the wayward spouse that the BS refuses to share his/her partner and gives the WS freedom to go be with the AP. Only… that at the same time the BS is moving out of infidelity, with the inevitable ending of the marriage.
The speech is based on what I sense and see the majority of our posters want. They want to reconcile if that’s possible. Only IMHO its not possible while the affair is ongoing.
The speech goes on into a chapter where the WS is offered a path back to the marriage, but to get back the WS needs to clearly and verbally state they want the marriage and that they chose to remain married for no other reason than they want the marriage. You peel away the excuses like "I don’t want to wreck OM/W family", the kids, finances, family, friends… You peel and peel until you are left with only ONE reason for why the WS wants to remain married – and that one reason is the BS – the spouse.
Irrespective of the initial response the BS should keep on working towards getting out of infidelity. Basically the only initial impact the WS response is pace. Like I don’t think you need to file THAT day, but it might make sense to start pulling financial statements, researching the process and all that. If the WS says they want the marriage, then carry on preparing for a week or two to see how committed the WS is.

One of the reasons I suggest this approach is precisely the resentment you share (and thank you for your honesty!)

As a BS your wife (had she done what I suggest) could reply with "Bulcy – You were totally 100% free to be with AP, remain at your job and whatever. I gave you that freedom. It was you that asked me to allow you to remain as my spouse. It was 100% YOUR decision to leave all that."

I made a really big discovery in my present marriage (of over 25 years and not impacted by infidelity).
The discovery was that there is NOTHING holding me here other than my want to be married to this woman. Same applies to her. Our kids would still be fine if we divorced, we would still be able to place meals on the table and shelter over our heads. Yes – sometimes things aren’t great, but if I was expressing resentment to being with her… I would have to evaluate what causes that resentment and chances are it won’t be her actions. I think Sisoon is onto something regarding the anger…

The definition of resentment is:

Bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly.

Sisoon makes a good point of breaking this emotion, you call resentment, down to its essence. Do you feel that you have been treated unfairly or, would it be more accurate to call it anger at the situation you have found yourself in, a situation that involves a lot of latent, powerful and difficult to set aside emotions, a situation that requires an enormous amount of work, almost endless patience and, most of all, humility.

It sucks to be a WS who wants to save their marriage. It. Is. HARD. It is humiliating. It is exhausting.

I honestly don’t know if I could ever be a reconciling WS. I don’t know if I have what it takes. It just doesn’t take time, love and hard work, it requires certain, almost superhuman, character traits that aren’t just readily accessible to the average person. They’re usually buried pretty deep in our tool boxes and rarely-if ever, used. Traits like humility, patience, deep and honest introspection, selfless empathy, faith and determination, devotion, initiative, etc, etc.

This is why I have a deep respect and admiration for former WS’s who have managed to holistically save their marriages or, at least, themselves from this hell.

Which leads into Bigger’s point, that if you DO feel that you have been treated unfairly, you have only yourself to blame, to resent, because you are the one most in control of your destiny. The ONLY option that has been taken away from you, against your will, is the ability to cake eat at your BS’s expense.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 5:01 AM, Friday, January 5th]

I think I also have had the resentment to some of those items. I find that when I do feel resentment, I quickly remind myself the reason that all of,this is happening is because of the affairs I'm chose to start. The pain my wife is in and has been in, the pain I have caused to my family. All because of me. I think it reminds me that the resentment is something I have no right to have.

Bigger

That makes sense. I admit I had to read a couple of times and discuss with BS before I got it, but yes. We agreed that BS had said this to me in the past and I was not in a place to listen or accept.

RealityBlows

Do you feel that you have been treated unfairly or, would it be more accurate to call it anger at the situation you have found yourself in, a situation that involves a lot of latent, powerful and difficult to set aside emotions, a situation that requires an enormous amount of work, almost endless patience and, most of all, humility.

Yes and no. To be honest, when I posted this last week I would have said no. I felt I had never thought I was being treated unfairly. That is of course a lie. When my boundaries were being in place, there was real resentment. It felt unfair that I was no longer allowed to see my "friends" or got to our local football (soccer) stadium (I met one AP there, took another and it is in the same part of town where another AP lives so CLEARLY a huge no no). I saw this as unfair and a punishment to make me unhappy and make BSA feel better. All of course self lies.

Fast forward, I understand the need for boundaries, I understand the need to avoid all triggers, but especially those as big as the one above. The resentment did turn to anger. But I feel that the resentment did not really go. When I have time that my head is still firmly up my ass, I think this is resentment still. I'm not sure. BS and I are now (as of about three weeks ago) talking openly about my feelings when they come. That way I am working out what they are and where they come from. That said, most of my anger has been about the situation. In that, it is mostly about being called out in lies or as I acknowledged recently when I felt BS was being nasty to my AP. (Last night we spoke about how I defended them over me see "bus throwing thread I'll post next). I have grouped resentment and anger together. I was not aware before this thread that resentment, by definition, is linked to unfairness.

I honestly don’t know if I could ever be a reconciling WS. I don’t know if I have what it takes. It just doesn’t take time, love and hard work, it requires certain, almost superhuman, character traits that aren’t just readily accessible to the average person.

That is one of the most enlightened statements I've read in a while. You're right. I have for the last six years not been in this properly. I avoided and then half assed my way though. When this did not work I grew anger (or resentment) at BS wanting me to do the work. Then more anger at me feeling I was doing the work, I was doing things to make me a better and safer person. I was reading and understanding, I could list more, but my point is that I was doing stuff, just not the stuff that was needed. When this was pointed out, more anger. Stopping this defensive and avoidant behaviour and completely handing over my soul to BS is a real challenge. Just before Christmas we started talking. I opened up as I have never before. It was gut wrenching and incredibly hard for BS and I. There were times I fell back into shutting down, there were moments of frustration that needed us to take time outs. After Christmas has been harder. We had a really bad day last week because I lost all compassion and empathy. I was cruel in the way I spoke and got angry when BS said I was not showing any emotion. I was dying inside. The next day, I could not emote at all. Everything was numb and I was blank. I felt awful, but there was nothing there. I did come back from this, we are talking again and spoke well over the weekend. We're both exhausted. We're both worried that I'll not be able to do this. It feels pathetic saying this, however I have proved to myself and BS that it can be done, so I need to start making better choices every day.

I've realised getting into real R is not as simple as reading a book or writing a post here on SI. That's superficial if you're not taking it seriously and DOING THE HARD WORK.

I realised this weekend that I am nowhere near as far down the road as I thought I was. I mean I'm 100 yards into a marathon I felt I was 13 miles into.

Which leads into Bigger’s point, that if you DO feel that you have been treated unfairly, you have only yourself to blame, to resent, because you are the one most in control of your destiny. The ONLY option that has been taken away from you, against your will, is the ability to cake eat at your BS’s expense.

I agree. I feel I would have agreed with this 18 months ago too. Now I need to do something with this other than feel good about seeing something blindingly obvious to others. As a WS, I need to have realisations, to get my head out of my ass. Absolutely that is something needed as a first step. Now I need actions off of those realisations.

Wolfpack1

I think I also have had the resentment to some of those items. I find that when I do feel resentment, I quickly remind myself the reason that all of,this is happening is because of the affairs I'm chose to start. The pain my wife is in and has been in, the pain I have caused to my family. All because of me. I think it reminds me that the resentment is something I have no right to have.

Wolf, It's great that you're seeing this. Yes, every part of our BS pain is on us, please do not do as I have done and do nothing with this realisation or to disappear into your own work of self loathing and shame. It does not benefit anyone. It's good you're telling yourself that this is something you need to stop doing.

I can relate to Bulcy. My perspective was also resentment, because I honestly believed that my AP and I had something extraordinary ....we were soulmates, etc etc. It seems like ridiculous fantasy to me now, but it didn't for quite some time. I resented no contact. I resented any suggestion that my AP and I weren't madly in love. My fog was as think as think as it could be. I really had an "I'm in charge" cake eater mindset. I never had any intention of leaving....or even telling my BH.

We were in therapy and I lied and understated everything that I had done and the amount of time (years) that it had transpired. I stayed obstinate and yes, I resented that I had to disengage. I was also a coward. I told my Ap that I thought my BH knew and he grew fearful. That was the first time I understood who my AP actually was. He cared about himself. He was also married now, and he seemed to care greatly about that and he was damned fearful that my BH was going to crush him physically.

My BH sought him at home, work, on-line. He disconnected phone lines at home and office. He warned that he would be calling the police, etc. He denied everything (like me) and he was a coward...just like me.

The resentment was really about the belief that I was in charge and I had all of these options. My BH scared me straight, letting me know that just like my AP, he was ready to walk. But unlike my AP, he is not a coward. Frankly, I still wonder 10 years later if he will stay forever.

It is truly amazing how a breach in trust can destroy a life and a family. I am sure there are many things he resents about me, but he was willing to forgive despite that resentment. I cannot explain how happy I am to be married to him today.

[This message edited by Amy44 at 1:30 AM, Tuesday, January 9th]

Bumped by request

This is a very interesting topic and very enlightening. Especially for BSs who struggle to understand what happens in a WS’s mind when they are more worried to protect the AP than the BS but I guess it is not even the AP they protect, just their entitlement o cake eating. It would be lovely to know where the original poster is now. Has anything changed since the last comment? How did he work on this resentment issue?

It is truly amazing how a breach in trust can destroy a life and a family

It takes one person to destroy everything and then if things need to be fixed it takes two people to try and fix them..

I'm feeling less resentment. This has not switched to apathy either, I don't think. When these feeling come up, I try to understand their origin. Sometimes with success and sometimes not so much. I do however feel in a better place

To give an example from the last couple of days.

There have been opportunities to go on work related training and management meetings. These would involve me staying away over night. I have not bee on one of these since 2018and I have held resentment for this as it was, in my opinion, holding me back. All bullshit really. Not doing these trips is safe and helps BS in feeling that way. On taking a new job last year, we agreed that it might be possible to go on a trip, if BS could come with me. I had a call yesterday, inviting me to another city for a three day conference. BS and I spoke about this and agreed that it would be possible if she can come. I felt no resentment, no frustration. For me it is fantastic that we are in a place where she is happier in me doing these conferences AND we get to go away together. No night apart. I've asked work if she can come, I offered to pay for all additional costs and have offered to speak with my manager to explain that BS coming or not will impact me attending. Again, I have no resentment in having this conversation, I'm a little nervous, but if it means the conference goes ahead and BS and I are in a safe and happy place then it is worth it.

I do still need to work on negative feelings and the resentments still come to the surface. I am far from free of my own head. I'm hoping my new IC can support me on this.

On taking a new job last year, we agreed that it might be possible to go on a trip, if BS could come with me. I had a call yesterday, inviting me to another city for a three day conference. BS and I spoke about this and agreed that it would be possible if she can come. I felt no resentment, no frustration. For me it is fantastic that we are in a place where she is happier in me doing these conferences AND we get to go away together. No night apart.

This is soo beautiful! Someone may argue there is no trust in you from your wife. I say it is a very positive thing to do all it takes to PROTECT THE RELATIONSHIP and a merit goes to you for accepting that, too. Unfortunately it is not her fault for losing that trust, I am sure she would have never wanted to lose it. You had her trust and you stamped on it, you used it "as toilet paper". So she is right not to trust you ever again fully. It MAY not be forever, but who knows? When you made the choice to betray her, you automatically accepted also the consequences and this is one of them. If it is too much to bare, you can decide to separate, but from your words it is not what you want and I am happy for you.

I have always thought that 100% trust was the norm in a relationship and was ok. I never ever thought betrayal could affect us. I was thinking with my values, my righteousness, my eyes and I learnt the hard way I shouldn't have trusted him to the point when he was giving me for granted. It hurts so much to see the person who claims they love you hurt you. It really does.

[This message edited by Fantastic at 3:37 PM, Wednesday, April 3rd]