SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi I am new here and in April I found out my husband was lying to me for years. He is an alcoholic and stopped drinking prior to me finding out dec 2022. He lied to me 15 yrs ago he was talking to a coworker behind my back nothing flirty and she invited him out but from the message she sent that I found it seemed like they had never seen each other out of work. He made an excuse not to go out on message. The message was her saying sorry that you couldn't come out and maybe one day you will decide to come out and we can hang out outside of work. I confronted him he was very immature and at 1st blamed me that he was just venting and talking. Nothing flirty was going on from the messages I found other than her trying to get him out of work which he said no prior to me finding the messages. His reasons I started my career was going out a lot and it was making him insecure. He said it was him telling her how it made him feel and asking for advice but when she asked him to go to a bar he said no. I was furious and I left the home and later agreed to work on things only if he ended all contact and was transparent with phone and all paychecks which he was already doing. The phone he never kept it from me it's just i never felt a need so I guess he took that for granted. I found because he left his phone on bed while he was in shower and I heard it thinking it was family or one of our friends as I usually would answer his phone and discovered it. He hid it under a man's name but it was obvious it was a woman since men don't text I hope you decide to hang out of work. He agreed to everything and cried and begged and eventually he did everything I asked of him but his drinking got worse and worse over the years. He was always home on time, left his phone open, was a very caring and loving partner when he wasn't drunk. Every now and then he acted up after drinking too much trying to argue. I became bitter and harder and I stopped caring about what he did or so I thought. After 1 or 2 yrs it's like it completely disappeared. He was always catering to me, wanting to do things for me,and very caring, and other than his temper tantrum every now and then he showed me he waw committed making sure I knew where he was calling me constantly everyday and me knowing at all times what he was doing. He never disappeared or went missing. He didn't hide his phone mostly would throw it on the floor when we slept. He never left house unless he was at work or at store while calling me from there. He didn't improve his appearance he ate more and became more overweight and he sometimes didn't shower daily. I know he has dealt with depression and childhood trauma. Fastword to March 2022 I started wanting a different relationship since I became bitter I mistreated him a lot and didn't care about his feelings and he always complied with what I wanted most of the time without push back. So I brought up the past and immediately started feeling like something was off. I checked records-phone,his icloud accounts, social media without him knowing I was going to check and other than a few jokes male banter not a lot like 5 and he only sent one picture forwarded to another male. I kept digging and digging and nothing. Then we started doing well again me thinking ok he's telling the truth and in April I found messages between him and male name number again no flirting just hey how you been , how's life, how's the family, where you working now. No flirting at all. I would of thought he was talking to a man except I only knew it was female due to her saying her daughter got married and she cried a lot and her husband is sick with cirrhosis. I confronted him and he said he knew her in his past and ran into her at store years ago and exchanged numbers and it was her reaching out for help registering her kids he works at a college. He said she would call ask for advice on different things. I am furious he hid it and I want to say he's a liar and he had an affair but the messages and the way he's been all these years just don't add up to an affair and none of the messages found seem emotional either. I asked for divorce but he is opening up to changing he is transparent with everything and says he justified it in his head that he was just helping someone to feel good. It was not sexual or anything like that. He said the way I treated him made him feel so small and he knows it was his fault for not dealing with what he had done in past and all his other issues. He said he doesn't justify it at all he chose poor coping mechanism to feel like he was a good person helping. He said he never dealt with his depression, low self worth, and childhood trauma instead he drank and lied. His actions are matching his words but he copes very poorly when i am upset he throws tantrums or cries so much that attention is on him. I don't know what to do. We have been married 23 yrs. Our son is 10 years old and we fight constantly because I'm so mad he lied for years. Maybe there is more lies or he won't say the things he really did. He tries to calm me down but if I say something mean he becomes a mess. We are stuck in a cycle. He's in counseling for months now and I've seen some improvement but honestly I don't know if he's even capable of permanent change. Please any advice. I want to seek counseling as well as I know being in a rage isn't helping me either. I sometimes can't control it because I spent most of my life with him to only be betrayed again. I'm so heartbroken. I love him but I sometimes think it's easier to move on. I feel selfish because I see him really putting himself through a lot to keep us together but I don't know if it's even worth it anymore.

Hi Betrayed 21. I am so sorry you had to find us. Your post may get a little lost in this forum- the Just Found Out forum may be better.
(Also use paragraphs in your next posts— it makes it easier to follow)

Regardless, you can get a lot of help here.

1) take care of yourself. Eat healthy, exercise, get enough sleep, drink lots of water and avoid drugs/alcohol.. These will help you mentally,, emotionally and physically. If you are having trouble with any, see your doctor.

2) IC (individual counseling) for you would be good for you. Both to help you with the rage (which MANY of us experienced) and to decide what you want to do. Please make this a priority.

3) read in the healing library and the Just Found Out forum here. It helps to not feel alone and see the patterns all cheaters use

4) you have said you want to D (divorce). You should see a lawyer or three and understand what they might look like. You don’t have to file- just understand what it would look like. You do not need to tell him about this.

Do you work outside the home? can you support yourself on your salary? Do you have friends or family nearby for IRL support?

Again, sorry you had to find us.

I earn more than he does and I work from home. He stopped drinking when I told him I had enough. He likes arguing and can be mean. No cussing he just says mean things to me when he is drunk.

I thought he finally was going to stop his drinking and we would be OK. 4 months later after he swear up and down he was not lying about anything I found out about him hiding this old female friend.

I just wish I knew for sure if he did or didnt start anything intimate because I am not sure. All I know is he is a people pleaser that has issues with helping anyone and everyone and it bleeds into our marriage. Despite it all how can you trust some that lies and set himself up to destroy your marriage.

I do not know if he actual did the act emotionally or physically but to me with the hiding and sneaking it feels like he did.

I spoke to him about his people pleasing and how he makes himself available at all times isn't right. It puts him in situations that can lead to more. He has stopped the behaviors but I just don't know if it's worth it anymore.

If he did I wish the proof would come to light so I can move on.

He hid her under a man's name,in his contacts. Men don't do that,unless that woman is their AP.

At the very least, this was an emotional affair.

Schedule a polygraph. Tell him if he wants to stay married, he's taking the test.

Almost all ws will agree to take the test. Because refusing makes them look guilty. So,don't take his agreeing as a sign,and cancel the test. Always follow through with the test.

I am sorry you are struggling with your spouse.

He has depression + low self esteem + issues with being honest. Plus his excessive drinking.

You are incensed that he lied about his last EA.

Cue an explosion. 💥💣

You are facing the same challenges all BS face - the lying, the disrespect, the blame shifting etc.

I am going to suggest that you consider professional help if you truly want to stay married. It will help you in so many ways you didn’t even expect. It can put things in perspective AND help you decide your future.

It might be possible you are more angry at yourself for being deceived yet again. I know I had that same feeling after my H’s second affair.

I eventually eliminated that anger from being present and I realized that it wasn’t helping me heal. I had to stop blaming myself for being cheated in yet again.

I hope this helps you. I can tell you that I came out of this a much stronger confident person.

Thank you all who answered. I am not sure I want to stay married at this point.

The worst part is I did months and months of digging for proof and nothing. He is not what you call so good he could hid anything. He is very forgetful, lazy, and careless.

I only found these messages and it wasn't sexual or flirty it was like he waw talking to a man. Nonetheless I'm irate because it was hidden like before.

My husband is awkward not a flirt in the first place. So I do not get what he was doing. Getting validation? Wanting someone to see him in a good light? It's just weird to be texting like that but not asking for more. It was a very unemotional texting back and forth. She was like hey what up ur still alive? And he said yep still here. She would reply cool and he asked how's work she said good. Like I said the rapport was nonchalant and ended with him saying Yo talk to you later. I don't get this at all. Why do this and just be like I don't care. I'm so confused what he wanted because no sexual things were ever mentioned. I only knew it was a female because she mentioned daughter got married and she cried a lot and her husband has cirrhosis my husbands response to her was damn that sucks that was all he said to it.