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Retrospected

Thank you for that! I loved the references! If only I could get that Bless.

It has been 5 years since DD1 and I was told about OC on that day. In fact, I've said that the reason he told me about the A is because of the pregnancy and he knew he wouldn't be able to hide that. Yes, he told me that was the only reason he told me, otherwise he would have "taken it to his grave". Because of course it didn't affect me at all!

I pushed for a paternity test early on because I thought that first and foremost, that had to be settled! I even had to push to go see a lawyer to know what his/our options were. Apparently, WH decided that he was going to try and get OW to say that she would NOT ask for a DNA test. So yes, I lost respect for him there, but at the time, there wasn't much of it after finding out about the A, if any. I also think less of him because of the comment he made about our own children. That he didn't care if his relationship with them was bad, and he didn't want to work to make it better. Before the child was born he even suggested we just give her money to get her out of our lives. I was a definitive NO because I wasn't giving her any of our money without knowing that the OC was his! FFS!

So, here I am, he is trying to be a better husband, but there is so much that is lacking in his character that I don't think I will ever see him in a good light. I stay for financial reasons. But that only goes so far. I try to be a good wife. I do want a better relationship, but he is broken and I'm not sure he even wants to try to fix himself. At least as much as he needs to.

He tries to be a better husband. But fails to see that how I see him as a father, is a big part of that. He thinks they are separate relationships that have nothing to do with each other. IDK.

How do you feel when your WH says it's an ultimatum? I think I would feel a flash of anger at being accused and him not taking responsibility for the situation he created and his decision to continue in the marriage. I might feel exasperation at him not thinking consequences through initially in the affair and then not thinking through the follow-on decisions. My reaction would be that he's not adult and responsible enough to be tied to legally and financially in any marriage.

All of this! I feel like it is a consequence of his actions, not mine. He has never asked me to be part of OC's life and knows I would never participate. And I do agree with someone else who said that it would be difficult, if not impossible to keep things separate if he did have a relationship with OC. How could it not spill over? I would never put myself through that. And again, I don't feel one bit guilty about it. Someone once said that the child is innocent and should take priority. I agree, the child is innocent, but so am I, and so are my kids. So I put us above the OC without hesitation. It was OW's decision, along with WH, to have unprotected sex knowing the potential consequences. Then it was her decision to go ahead with the pregnancy after WH told her he would not be part of the pregnancy or the child's life. I will not pay any more than I already have for those decisions that NEVER included me or my children!

You didn't clarify if you meant that you would leave him if he has a relationship with the OC. If that's the case, it's both a boundary and an ultimatum, and that's fine. You can do that, and you don't have to feel guilty about it. It's your life and you get to choose what you will accept.

Yes, I would divorce him if he chose to have a relationship with OC. As stated above, I don't think clear boundaries can be set around this without having spillage. I also will not have anything to do with OW. This woman was shameless and smug on the phone after WH called to let her know NC was being established. Well, after that she became enraged and threatening. I owe her nothing. I know things would be difficult and I would end up with not much (SAHM for most of our M). Our kids are all adults now so no child support and alimony is only given for 10 years, after that, I get nothing. I'd also lose my health insurance. But, I'd rather deal with all of that than have to help raise OC. If that's the price I have to pay, I'll pay it. Even though I didn't do anything to deserve that kind of treatment. A lifetime of taking care of him, our home, and our children and this is how I'm repaid.

I know there is much more to say, but this is getting too long already. Again, thank you all for your differing perspectives and help.

Well… Based on the definitions mentioned then IF you told your husband that if HE has a relationship with OC you will leave… that is an ultimatum.

Fournlau – When I read how you describe your husband and then add the expectation you have of him having no relationship with OC, and then add his inaction in respecting the requirement for confirming paternity… I have to wonder why you two are married.
There is not much mutual respect going on, and I truly think that if you were to demand he have no relationship with the child and if he were to comply THAT would reflect very negatively on his morals. Like I stated in my first post:

Forunlau – As a dad I would not accept my wife didn’t agree that my offspring wasn’t allowed to meet it’s siblings and/or be in my home. I would not think it possible to have a "good" marriage if such a key factor in my life was dismissed. BUT THAT’S ME – MY values. However if this was an OC I would have to respect my wife’s request that she not be involved around OW and that I wasn’t spending much time with OW.

If you two want to be married then I would seriously consider seeking professional guidance to create the middle ground required to rebuild trust and the possible rules to move on. As-is it seems that your husband will have his strained and trying-to-keep-it-hidden relationship with his child, and you will be huffing and puffing about it. Creating a situation where neither of you can really work towards YOUR marriage.

This situation fits both definitions...each from the other side of the argument.

Fournlau is very clear about this. How can it not be a boundary from her point of view, and not be an ultimatum for his point of view--if his goal/plan was to have BOTH fournlau and the OC in his life? He has no option that would include both.

But the real issue, in my opinion, is that Mr. Fournlau is still wayward in his thought process by making himself the victim, though what he really is to the rest of the sane world is a perpetrator who has created TWO victims. His viewpoint shows a lack of empathy for both parties, which to me, seems most concerning. Yes, HIS viewpoint could be seen as an ultimatum, but he should ask himself--"Is it really an ultimatum if it was a situation of my own making, without involvement from my wife? Haven't I put her in a no-win situation?"

I hope that he is trying to be a MUCH better husband. Going from a shitty, shitty, shitty husband to just a shitty, shitty husband still gets you a shitty husband.

^^^This^^^

But the real issue, in my opinion, is that Mr. Fournlau is still wayward in his thought process by making himself the victim, though what he really is to the rest of the sane world is a perpetrator who has created TWO victims. His viewpoint shows a lack of empathy for both parties, which to me, seems most concerning. Yes, HIS viewpoint could be seen as an ultimatum, but he should ask himself--"Is it really an ultimatum if it was a situation of my own making, without involvement from my wife? Haven't I put her in a no-win situation?"

Excellent point.

Agree with jb3199.

I know things would be difficult and I would end up with not much (SAHM for most of our M). Our kids are all adults now so no child support and alimony is only given for 10 years, after that, I get nothing.

Have you ever consulted an attorney? Depending on where you live, you may get a lot more than you think. NO CS and limited alimony, sure, but you should also get a portion of the assets.

Ultimatum or boundary? What difference does it make? Either way, you pretty much have to leave if your WS has a relationship with OC.

I agree with Bigger.

I'm very sorry you have to deal with this. I know it's painful, it's pain that lasts a long time, and I can't see how anyone can end up feeling good about this. I do think a good guide - MC, mediator, or the like - can help minimize the pain, though.

I agree with Bigger and Sisoon. It really doesn't matter what name you put to it, the fact is that if your husband were to have any relationship whatsoever with the child that he conceived, you will leave.

I also agree that you should seek out several attorneys and find out what, exactly, a D would entail for you. You may end up in a rather comfortable circumstance.

I just wonder if your husband will be able to keep from seeing this child forever. I would be prepared to separate if that is something you just can't handle.

I'm sorry you are going through this, and I wish you weren't. Please consider all of your options.

fournlau,

Do you feel you made the condition known that you would not tolerate your WH having any relationship with the OC 5 years ago? To me, your boundary (or whatever it's called) seems clear. I don't hear secondhand guilt or moral waffling. 5 years ago was when your WH should have made his decision on this matter. He should have clarified this and fully thought through the implications of the situation and made a dang decision.

How do you feel about the following statement from Bigger?

If you two want to be married then I would seriously consider seeking professional guidance to create the middle ground required to rebuild trust and the possible rules to move on. As-is it seems that your husband will have his strained and trying-to-keep-it-hidden relationship with his child, and you will be huffing and puffing about it. Creating a situation where neither of you can really work towards YOUR marriage.

I would feel angry if my WH wanted me to go to MC or IC and spend my time and money to mediate a change of conditions on marriage terms discussed after the affair to make them more favorable for him. Livid. Irrationally batshit-crazy, fuming mad. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because just like marriage, WH couldn't make a promise and forward think through consequences. Instead he changed the terms conditional with an affair. Maybe it's because on cheater websites, many cheaters say they will "lie low and let it blow over" if the affair is uncovered. If my WH thought it would blow over and he could renegotiate seeing the AP after 5 years, well just no. No.

I understand an OC is a terrible and difficult situation, and it's a different scenario. If I made up my mind and communicated clearly, I would not expect to change it on the matter.

Bigger:

As-is it seems that your husband will have his strained and trying-to-keep-it-hidden relationship with his child, and you will be huffing and puffing about it. Creating a situation where neither of you can really work towards YOUR marriage.

I'm confused by this? There is NO relationship (hidden or otherwise) with OC. Never has been, never will be (though I understand that WH could change his mind in the future). And if there were a relationship there certainly wouldn't be any "huffing and puffing" from me because I wouldn't be there. As I've stated, I would never begrudge him a relationship if OC turned out to be biologically his, I am just not going to let myself be in that situation with him, period, end of story.

I'm not sure where the wires have gotten crossed here. WH has not asked for me to loosen my boundary regarding this issue. He has not expressed a desire to connect with OC. This conversation came up because he was bemoaning his actions and that if it had not been for his A then we would be halfway through paying for our home. Although the A was not the only reason we moved half a country away, it was a big part of it. I then asked if he thought about OC at all. He responded immediately that yes, he does. Which of course led to talking about my "boundary/ultimatum". Again, at no time has he ever stated that he wants a relationship with OC. We have spoken about CS if paternity is ever established and have both agreed that it will all be handled through a third party and will only include money. There will be no interaction with OW or OC.

I suppose for some people that would make me a heartless person, keeping a "father" away from his child. It is what it is. I will do what is best for me. I have expressed my worry that he will resent me in the future because of this choice and he has assured me that it was his choice to make and that he does not have any regrets. But, who knows. I know that he has the right to change his mind (he also once said that maybe in the future when we are in a better place that I might reconsider, I shut that down immediately and told him that if he was banking on that we might as well end it now because that was not happening), and all I can do is keep doing what is best for me.

jb3199:

But the real issue, in my opinion, is that Mr. Fournlau is still wayward in his thought process by making himself the victim, though what he really is to the rest of the sane world is a perpetrator who has created TWO victims. His viewpoint shows a lack of empathy for both parties, which to me, seems most concerning. Yes, HIS viewpoint could be seen as an ultimatum, but he should ask himself--"Is it really an ultimatum if it was a situation of my own making, without involvement from my wife? Haven't I put her in a no-win situation?"

I hope that he is trying to be a MUCH better husband. Going from a shitty, shitty, shitty husband to just a shitty, shitty husband still gets you a shitty husband.

I honestly hadn't considered his stance to be wayward thinking. It was the way he said it, the tone, the attitude, and yes, the feeling that he was such a victim in this when he is the one who created this no-win situation, I'm just simply trying to survive it the best I can. And there is NO WAY IN HELL that I am going to help parent OC. To have them in MY home. To be a caregiver to my husband's bastard. I know that is harsh, but that is why I know I can't do it. That child deserves so much better and I hate that its parents are such fucking selfish pieces of shit that never took anyone else but themselves into consideration when making shitty decisions. God forbid they now have to pay for their selfish, entitled actions! And I'm supposed to feel like the bad guy because I don't want to mother another woman's child created because my WH couldn't keep it in his pants and decided he'd rather fuck someone else than do the work to be a better husband and father? Fuck that!

SacredSoul33:

Have you ever consulted an attorney? Depending on where you live, you may get a lot more than you think. NO CS and limited alimony, sure, but you should also get a portion of the assets.

I did speak to one early after DD1 but circumstances have changed. I no longer have a job and we are in a different state. We don't have many assets, a home and 2 vehicles, none paid off yet. He does have a retirement account that I believe I would be entitled to (half), but that's about it. I imagine we would need to sell the house and maybe the vehicles as well. I do have a daughter (who lives 40 min.s away) who has said would help me (including financially). But I would hate to put that burden on her. I'm sure I'd still have to get a job either way. Honestly, I'm thinking more along the lines of separating but not getting a divorce so I can keep the Health insurance. Not sure he would be amenable to that though. As it stands, we're working on the relationship and he has shown a great deal of improvement, but, it doesn't take much when the bar was underground to begin with.

FunHouseMirror

Thank you for your kind words. I suppose everyone is right, it really doesn't matter what you call it, the fact of the matter is, if a relationship between WH and OC occurs, I'm out. And he knows this. I'm sure he would try and talk me into staying, but my mind is made up. I will do what I have to do for me.

KitchenDepth5551:

Do you feel you made the condition known that you would not tolerate your WH having any relationship with the OC 5 years ago? To me, your boundary (or whatever it's called) seems clear. I don't hear secondhand guilt or moral waffling. 5 years ago was when your WH should have made his decision on this matter. He should have clarified this and fully thought through the implications of the situation and made a dang decision.

I do feel that I made it crystal clear. And hammered it into his head that I would not change my mind later, so don't even think that's a possibility. I mentioned above that he once said that I might soften on this issue, and as I said, I shut that down quick! We've had a few discussions about this and my decision has not wavered in the least. I've had people tell me to consider the child, that the OC is more important because it had no choice in coming into the world the way it did. Again, I wasn't given a choice either! Because I can tell you that I would have said NO to all of it if I had been given that choice! He knows my stance and that I will not change it. He has so far stated that he wants me. He wants us. When OW told him about the pregnancy, he told her that he already had a family and was not looking to start a new one. I'm 99.9% sure she got pregnant on purpose because she thought he would leave me for her I can guarantee that even if I had divorced him, he would not have ended up with her. She was good enough in the sheets, but not as a life partner.

As for the rest of your post, honestly, I was a bit confused by Bigger's post on the situation (see above), so I'm not sure how to react to it. But uh, no, I'm not going to try and "compromise" on this issue. My boundary is my boundary and I don't care if he sees it as an ultimatum, so be it, the outcome is the same either way.

I will be consulting an attorney to see what options I have I suppose. Even if I don't use them, I can at least know what I'm in for and not just speculate. Thank you all for your kind words and perspectives.

This situation fits both definitions...each from the other side of the argument.

Fournlau is very clear about this. How can it not be a boundary from her point of view, and not be an ultimatum for his point of view--if his goal/plan was to have BOTH fournlau and the OC in his life? He has no option that would include both.

I wouldn't say that's an accurate assessment either. We can't always have what we want. That doesn't mean the decision was coerced.

That being said, restricting his choices even when he's not with OP? That does stray into controlling behaviour, but honestly again with something that bleeds so much into life as a child? I am not sure how one could have any kind of parental role beyond simply writing a cheque that wouldn't affect OP.

Although I would also agree- I wouldn't be able to have a relationship with anyone who would walk away from a child. It's actually part of the reason my DH decided to get a vasectomy because we do have an open relationship and I let him know that I had a boundary around splitting my life 50/50 with another family/living situation and wasn't interested in being part of that, but that also him abandoning the child wouldn't be an option either. He preferred to prevent the situation of accidental pregnancies, which I wholeheartedly support.

That being said- you aren't "keeping" him from seeing OC. That's the whole point of a boundary. He gets to decide. He is free to choose. That doesn't mean his choice is free from consequences.

[This message edited by PSTI at 10:54 PM, Tuesday, November 14th]

PSTI:

That being said, restricting his choices even when he's not with OP? That does stray into controlling behavior, but honestly again with something that bleeds so much into life as a child? I am not sure how one could have any kind of parental role beyond simply writing a cheque that wouldn't affect OP.

I'm confused by this? Have I said something that leads you to believe I am restricting his choices when I'm not there? Or perhaps if we separate? However, there are things I've asked him not to do such as discussing our M with other women that I don't know or are not related. To not engage in flirty/sexual inuendo conversation in mixed company (sadly this happens a lot at most work places). Is this considered controlling since I am not there when these things might be happening? Genuinely curious because I felt these were things I needed from him because his boundaries with other women have always been pretty non-existent. Oh, he could tell you I was NOT ALLOWED to do these things, but for him it was perfectly fine! He has obviously admitted this was a huge double standard and has started to work on his boundaries. Still, many things he thinks are fine (still) when he does them, he changes his mind about when I turn it around and ask him if he would think it was "fine" for me to do them with another man.

fournlau, I mean by saying he can't have a relationship with OC when you're not present, you are technically setting a rule instead of a boundary because it doesn't involve you. I'm softening it because as a parent myself I genuinely don't see how one could have a relationship with a child that has zero reverberations on a marriage and so in my opinion? It's still not truly an ultimatum because it would be unworkable otherwise.

But a boundary is supposed to be strictly about you and not about the actions of the other person. So at least theoretically, if he was seeing OC in a way that wouldn't impact you, it shouldn't be a boundary violation. But I believe that would be close to impossible.

Is that clearer?

As to your questions... No, those aren't rules/ultimatums because they DO affect your relationship. Cheating destroys the intimacy/trust/marital connection between the two of you. So whether you know about it or not, it's absolutely a boundary violation. It violates your right to emotional and physical safety, and security of person.

It's perfectly reasonable to negotiate relationship agreements that both parties in the marriage agree to, and those might appear to be rules on the surface, but as long as they are not unilaterally imposed by one partner on the other, they are not rules but joint agreements. They also require a level of emotional maturity from both partners who have the explicit responsibility to come and talk to their partner if the relationship agreement is no longer suiting them- that's what makes it an agreement rather than a rule! You can always renegotiate a relationship agreement IF both partners are willing. You can't just do whatever you want and say oh oops. Or wait till after you've been busted and say well it wasn't working for me anymore so I just ignored it.

Everyone has dealbreakers. That doesn't mean that their partners are "not allowed" to do those things. Actions still have consequences.

[This message edited by PSTI at 4:36 PM, Wednesday, November 15th]

Ummm ... requiring NC even when WS isn't in BS's presence is also demanding certain behavior from the WS. Personally, the only exception I'd make vais a vis NC is that professional/work contact may be OK for a limited amount of time.

fournlau, Do you think you're doing something wrong by restricting your H's contact with OC? If so, my thoughts include:

1) You gave your H a choice. He was free to choose between you and his OC. You didn't force your H to choose you. (I guess I see little difference between ultimatum and boundary when no force is invovled.)

2) I don't want to imagine how difficult life may be for the OC. My heart goes out to them. I hope his mom has freed herself from whatever thinking she used to justify herself. But a) she had choices, and b) I don't want to imagine the pain you'd have to experience if your H wanted contact. I'm coming close to trying to compare your pain and OC's, and I hate to do that, but we all are entitled to set our own boundaries. No matter what, you were placed in a no-win sitch. Someone was bound to be hurt, whatever you did. Given that, I'd say you were forced to do something wrong. If you are uncomfortable with your choice (and I hope you're not - I'm just picking up on one of your sentences), it's time to forgive yourself.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:27 PM, Wednesday, November 15th]

sisoon:

fournlau, Do you think you're doing something wrong by restricting your H's contact with OC?

I know I made the right decision for me. I don't feel guilt about it. However, I'd be lying if I said there wasn't something there in that vein because my first inclination when I hear about other people (men) walking away from their responsibility simply because they can, is to shake my head because regardless of the circumstances, it takes two to tango. So, does that make me a hypocrite? If I was looking at our situation from the outside, I would for sure think WH should step up to his responsibility (assuming he is the father). But living in the situation, I don't regret my decision at all, nor do I feel shame. There IS shame, but it belongs to WH and OW, not me.

As far as I know (since OW tried reaching out again a few months ago), she has since married, become a nurse, and I assume (since she has not forced paternity) she is doing well financially. But who knows. Right after NC was established, letting OW know there would be no more communication unless and until paternity was established, she tried very hard to rope WH back in with updates on her Dr's appointments, sending pictures of her ultrasound, telling him about an issue with OC's heart etc. But there was never a response from WH and he always showed me the communications. She tried to call but he never answered. He also showed the "missed calls". We decided not to block her because there was still the possibility that she was going to ask for paternity. That never happened and after 3 years, we finally did decide to block, and then change numbers because she was still trying to "keep him updated".

This most recent communication came from an apparently new FB account, as her last name was different (I assume she took her husband's last name). It asked for health information etc. We decided not to answer it and tried to block again, but the message disappeared? I looked through his phone and couldn't find it, and neither of us could remember what the new last name was to just go through FB and block her that way. He is currently thinking of just deleting his FB account.

So, do these things make me a bad person? If so, I can live with that.

OP, you do NOT have to continue to defend your choices...especially when the people passing judgment have never been in your situation..they've never had to deal with the real possibility of an OC..heck some never even attempted reconciliation.

Yes..the oc is innocent. However, the child's mother chose to have an affair with a man that she knew as married. She had hoped, by getting pregnant, he would leave your family. She expected you to have to tolerate her in your life, for the rest of your life. She was wrong. She gambled,and lost.

An affair is one thing. Dealing with an OC situation is a whole other ring of Hell.

Many here said,before their spouse cheated, they would end the marriage if there was infidelity. Yet, many here have come to realize you really don't know what you will do,until you are in that position. Many here think they know what they would do if there was an OC. But they don't.

There are certain situations here, that I find worse than others. I think an OC is the worst of them all. That has to be an incredibly painful thing to have to deal with. You don't deserve to be judged, or told you are wrong for not being able to tolerate an OC(from people who have never had to be in your shoes). You've done what is right for you. You are not a bad person. Your husband put you in a no win situation.

That said..it's extremely possible this isn't his child,and that's why the ow refuses a DNA. I can't think of any other reason for her to refuse.

Also..he has zero relationship with the children who grew up in his own home. He wouldn't have a relationship with this child, regardless of what you've said. It's just something to pull out of his pocket to try to make you feel bad about yourself. Fuck that.

HellFire

Damn! I really needed that! I don't feel that I did anything wrong but yeah, sometimes I feel like I HAVE to defend myself and justify my actions/decisions. Still a work in progress I guess.

I appreciate so much just knowing that there are people out there that, while they might not understand completely my decision, understand that I have the right to make it without outside judgement.

I was also one of those people that assumed infidelity was a dealbreaker for me and low and behold, first time, I allowed WH to rug sweep, second time, I attempted R in hopes of a better M. If I'm completely honest, I should have divorced him after the Panama incident, but, I can't go back in time and change things. I can only move forward from where I am now.

That said..it's extremely possible this isn't his child, and that's why the ow refuses a DNA. I can't think of any other reason for her to refuse.

I wonder about this too. It doesn't hurt her in any way to push for this if he is the father. The only other reason I can think is that, if he IS the father, he will have the legal right to ask for some form of custody. Since she's married now, I doubt she wants WH for herself. She once sent me a message through FB along with a photo of the OC (she was unbelievably disrespectful, threatened to tell our kids about OC [they already knew], and commented on how OC was looking more and more like WH every day). I admit, WH's genes are very strong, he is white and I am Hispanic, yet all our children look full white and our oldest son was a miniature version of WH. OW is also white so OC is blond/blue eyed, but, the photo of OC looked nothing like WH. Of course, genetics are a funny thing, and perhaps I just didn't want to see it.

Also..he has zero relationship with the children who grew up in his own home. He wouldn't have a relationship with this child, regardless of what you've said. It's just something to pull out of his pocket to try to make you feel bad about yourself. Fuck that.

I wonder if this is true. That he does it deliberately to make me feel bad/guilty for having "forced" him to choose between our M and OC. If it is, it's so very very cruel, though as I've said, I don't feel guilt over it. As I see it, it is a very real and ugly consequence of his and OW's shitty decisions.

Ultimatum: You have to do this, or else I will do that.
Boundary: If you do this, I will do that.

Beat me to it. I would just add for the boundary that you don’t have to tell them what you will do. Just that that is your boundary. They should not cross it just because it is your boundary, not because they’ve done a risk/benefit tradeoff on the consequences.

PSTI:

fournlau, I mean by saying he can't have a relationship with OC when you're not present, you are technically setting a rule instead of a boundary because it doesn't involve you. I'm softening it because as a parent myself I genuinely don't see how one could have a relationship with a child that has zero reverberations on a marriage and so in my opinion? It's still not truly an ultimatum because it would be unworkable otherwise.

Thank you for clarifying. Just to be clear, I never said that to him. I told him that I could not ask him not to have a relationship with OC if that is what he wanted, but for me, him having that relationship meant the end of our M as I could not put myself in that position. He was free to make that choice. I also never said he could have a relationship "on the side" as long as I didn't hear about it. I know that would not be workable.

In this scenario (him having a relationship with OC), I would remove myself from the equation completely and what he does after that becomes none of my concern.

I think I feel a little more secure in how I have handled this situation and sticking to my boundaries. It does become difficult to see clearly when one is in the middle of it all and can get a little fuzzy around the edges. I know that I have not always handled things dealing with the A with grace or calmness. I have slung my fair share of arrows meant to punish/hurt. I do believe that I have overcome that desire however and am thinking more rationally about things and looking inwards at anything I have done/am doing that hinders my ability to move forward and heal.

Thank you for your comments and explanations (sorry I didn't reply, I missed the post somehow).

It’s a really good question, the difference between ultimatum. Upon further pondering…

Ultimatum: a manipulation of them
Boundary: a communication of what you will do

He certainly interpreted it as a manipulation, probably because he’s a manipulator.