SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have been working on making myself more attractive to my wife and verbally she has indicated I’m making progress in that regard.

Sigh. OP has said he’s read extensively here for months. If he has, he doesn’t seem to have absorbed the most critical tactic when dealing with adultery: NEVER DO THE PICK-ME DANCE.

OP, you seem to be like one of my daughters. She ALWAYS has to learn the hard way. I’m very sad you are of this same mold. Your pick-me dance will lead to a very likely DD2, assuming she gets sloppy enough for you to discover. Why? Because she hasn’t changed, she has zero remorse, and she’s received zero consequences for her behavior. In fact, she’s received an INCENTIVE from you to do it again. She’s now learned that she WINS by cheating. When she cheats, you start dancing more feverishly, in desperation trying to get your WIFE to "pick you again".

What a great deal for her. She gets to cake-eat, enjoy all the strange she wants, and you become her slave, desperate to meet her every whim. If you hear nothing else, ask yourself if this statement is true:

"When you incentivize a certain behavior, you’re likely going to get more of it".

And yes, you are fully incentivizing your "wife" to step out on you again. She might not be doing that at this very moment, but things will get hard in your M again, or her life, or whatever, and she’ll fondly remember all the "good" (for her) things that came about the last time she had an adulterous relationship, and off to the races she will go.

So keep doing what you’re doing if you want her to cheat again.

Exactly. ^^

You are one argument away from another affair.

You are teaching her that,of she cheats, you will woo her, stroke that ego,and reward her for her infidelity.

She didn't cheat because you weren't desirable. And she didn't cheat because the AP was. She cheated because of her issues. She will simply find a new AP.

she has indicated I’m making progress in that regard.

Also, this? What a hurtful,demeaning thing to say to your husband.

"The only thing that seems off is the physical intimacy and I only say that because there were times while the affair was in progress that it seemed things were better in this regard. Also for a short period after the affair things seemed really good ( for maybe a week n a half ) . The most troubling part of this is I don’t really know significant this is in the overall scheme of things. I’m not sure if this is going to be the new normal or if this is just another stage of the post affair process that will be a memory a year down the road. I just wish the only version of normal I can use as a reference point was prior to when I started having issues which was over 7 years ago now."
Read about hysterical bonding (HB).

[This message edited by Littlepuppet at 12:53 PM, Friday, December 15th]

Th e only thing that seems off is the physical intimacy and I only say that because there were times while the affair was in progress that it seemed things were better in this regard. Also for a short period after the affair things seemed really good ( for maybe a week n a half ) . The most troubling part of this is I don’t really know significant this is in the overall scheme of things. I’m not sure if this is going to be the new normal or if this is just another stage of the post affair process that will be a memory a year down the road. I just wish the only version of normal I can use as a reference point was prior to when I started having issues which was over 7 years ago now.

Read about Hysterical bonding (HB).

It is a relatively common phase after D-day. It is maladaptive, it usually shows codependency, pick me dance.

It is usually short-lived, it is temporary. Many of us have been through it.

You have to continue maturing the idea of ​​​​seeking the truth. You need the real chronology of the matter. If your WS is not willing to offer it to you, the only solution, to distance yourself emotionally, is to implement a 180. The sooner you do it, the more you will avoid a D2 day.

[This message edited by Littlepuppet at 1:24 PM, Friday, December 15th]

The only thing that seems off is the physical intimacy and I only say that because there were times while the affair was in progress that it seemed things were better in this regard

This could well be because flirting/sexting/more with OM got her amped up and you were her, um, release. Wanna wager where her mind was when you were intimate during that time?

At this point I’ve already backed off many of the things I did earlier on with the sole focus on saving the marriage. Me working on myself does hopefully make my wife look at me and the marriage in a more positive light but that is far from my only reason for doing these things. The way I see it if my marriage fails the things I’m doing now will also help me get reestablished later on.

I’ve generally come to the conclusion at this point that I’ll probably never get anything even remotely approaching full disclosure. Granted I’d really like to just know start date end date, why , and what shit was said about me behind my back. Sadly I think due to what is likely the very scandalous and shameful nature of the affair this won’t happen. There are also a host of other factors that are probably working against disclosure. Including but not necessarily limit to the following, trust issues between me and my wife predating dday and probably the affair as well. The involvement of other parties in the affair. Deep seated resentments likely tied into making the affair more likely to happen in the first place. Risk of job loss due to disclosure of the affair. My wife generally not being the best at dealing with and expressing emotions in a constructive manner. ( neither of us has secure attachment type) My mental health history could probably also be added as something that would probably discourage disclosure.

I also at one point shortly after dday got into a conversation with my wife about what it might be like if one day if we won the lottery or got inheritance etc. during this conversation I brought up how in such situations people can appear out of the wood works trying to obtain some of your new bling. We spent a short while on the subject before I threw in what might happen if one of us was ever blackmailed and yes she actually said "u mean like if I cheated?" I was frankly a bit amazed she said that and also rather troubled by her saying it. A week or two later I determined she visited a website regarding sextortion. Hopefully area of concern is just emotions and anxiety vs substance but given a few things my wife had mentioned the OM said a few times I couldn’t rule this issue out entirely unless my wife actually came clean and elaborated on things.

Right now I’m contemplating how to force the issue of the affair back to the forefront without asking about it directly and hoping to be able to get more information then I had previously. At this point another D day wouldn’t necessarily be the worst outcome assuming it happens within the next year or so. I’d consider the worst outcome to be one where the marriage hobbles along in what still feels like a state of disrepair for many years whether or not another dday came with it far down the line. As it stands I’m getting a little concerned because it feels like what had been mostly slow progress is now transitioning to stagnation.

As for pushing more 180 I suppose if stagnation appears to be prevailing I could push more on that front. Even though I can’t help but think she would just be more inclined to engage in affair activities again if I pull away even more as my wife is kind of a needy person.

Your mental health will deteriorate, as time goes by. Because you are living with a woman you know is lying to you.

The only hope you have of getting the marriage on track, is to full on confront. And give consequences if she refuses to be honest.

Your wife is needy? Even more reason to confront. Make her going to IC a requirement. She can work on that neediness in therapy.

You could become a perfect spouse,and she will cheat again. Because she cheats because there's something wrong with her. And until she is honest about it, nothing changes. And you will never be safe.

You seem to be saying you're expending a lot of energy trying to handle your W's behavior indirectly.

It follows that you'll probably have more energy to use on your own behalf if you address your wants and hers directly. There's some extra drama that you'll probably have to deal with if you address the problem directly, but my bet is that you'll be better off.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:13 PM, Friday, December 22nd]

JL4A, dude…l just read your post and I am speechless. You are at a complete disadvantage in the situation you find yourself in. Talk about self fulfilling prophecy. I can see clearly what is going to happen to you in months or a couple of years from now. And why? Because of the way you see the world and thus your marriage. It’s like you live in a different reality than I do. You have been told by everyone posting here what you need to do and you refuse. I wish I could help you. I really do. But I can’t. Best of luck to you buddy.

I just got caught up on this thread and I have to point out how much you say "hopefully", "If I do X then hopefully she will do Y". You cannot hope and wish your way through this, you cannot change her. You need to continue your self improvement for yourself and not to win her back. You need to take control of this and demand an outcome for yourself, you cannot push a rope.

I've never read a rugsweep written so eloquently.

A chapeau to you sir, a doff of the hat if you will!

Right now I’m contemplating how to force the issue of the affair back to the forefront without asking about it directly and hoping to be able to get more information then I had previously.

Hey OP. I don't think I've chimed in on this thread, as you've been given good advice, but seem disinclined to heed it. That's your prerogative. We all have our own paths to walk. What struck me was the above quote. Why can't you just be direct with your WW? At a minimum, you should be able to communicate openly in a M, especially one in which there has been betrayal and the R. It really does sound like you have a one-sided relationship, and that isn't healthy for anyone.

I was full of trepidation at the prospect of being alone, but as it turns out, I've really become the best version of me ever. I'm not saying you should D, just that how youbare living just does not seem like a life for you. Hope you find your way.

Whatever you think you have done to deserve her cheating, you’re wrong. Nothing makes it ok to cheat.

If something could make it ok to cheat, I would have about eight years ago. Unfulfilled sexual needs? Yes. Unfulfilled friendship needs? Yes. All the things. All the things.

All the things. And I didn’t cheat. Because it’s not worth it. I have integrity.

But that’s the difference, isn’t it? She lacks integrity.

What about her is so magic that it’s ok that she lacks integrity? Is that ok for you- to be married to someone who lacks integrity?

If that answer is yes, that’s fine. Then milk her for all she’s worth, hang her out to dry and get what you can from her. Pity sex? Check, go for it. Hell, I’d ask for everything while you’re going through this.

A trip to Vegas. A new computer. Time away with friends to decompress. New designer clothes, a new car. Whatever. More oral sex. Just get something out of it.

Use her. Use her hard. Get something for yourself out of this.

Seriously. Because she is using you. Use her back and do it better.