SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well, this has been a shit show.

For starters, I went home to an incredibly sick WH. Fever, coming out both ends kind of thing. I thought about not having the confrontation, not because he was sick per say - but because I wanted him to be aware enough to even have the conversation.

Needless to say - he knew I had something to talk about and so we did.

I just asked how EAP was, and his face dropped. I let him believe that small town talk worked it's way back to me so I could keep his work phone out of the equation. Surprisingly, he gave up more than I thought he would. Still don't think it was 100% truth, but he told me everything I already knew and then some. Adamantly states that nothing physical happened with her. Said that her wanting more was what made him stop talking to her. He realized what he was doing at that point and so he said that's when he blocked her on everything but his work phone because he can't block her on that.

We got into the other 3 as well, because frankly, I never recovered from those either.

I did record it. Not sure if I will listen to it anytime soon. I wasn't hateful the entire time, but I had moments that I was not proud of what I said or how I said it. This angry BS stuff is no joke.

Obviously, nothing got fixed last night, but I gave him my requirements that I need before I can even trust that any R could possibly happen.

AND THEN.....this morning happened.

In all of the mess, I totally spaced asking to see his work phone. So, I stupidly texted him saying that I wanted to see any and all conversations that they had between the two of them (knowing full well I have pictures of all of it). He said he doesnt have any. I asked him - are you sure? Even your work phone deleted folder? He said yep, they are all gone.....BOOM

I know for a FACT that they were still there yesterday after we talked, because I looked. He f'ing deleted them right then. So, I called him out on it and he STILL tried to insist that they had been deleted for a while. I told him that I had already seen them, all of them, all 286 of them, LAST NIGHT.

He finally fessed up, told me what he did. F'ing hell man. I had hoped that after last night he would have done the right thing, but well....that's what I get for hoping.

** I really want to talk to the EAP now. I know it probably is pointless, but I feel like if I don't I could miss out on more truth. Is this advisable? Could it be worth it? She has no reason to lie because she has no significant other.**

Never speak to the OW.

They had no problem having an affair with a married man. Therefore their morals are screwed up. They wanted the man to sneak around. You have no reason to believe you will get the truth from her. And,of you did, it would be her perspective, so it's skewed.

Talking to her will make her feel more important than she is. It will empower her. It will also give her a window into your marriage. Slam the window shut. Never ask another woman for intimate details about YOUR husband.

He's already proven he's going to continue to hide things, and lie to you if he thinks he can get away with it.

Now, today,is the day to give him some hard consequences. You could tell him he needs to leave for awhile. Or move all of his stuff out of the bedroom into another room, and tell him he isn't safe, you can't share a bedroom with him.

Polygraph. Because there's a very good chance he's had a PA. 4 emotional affairs with women who are local? Yeah..

180. Immediately.

Call an attorney to find out your rights. Let him know you've contacted an attorney, and leave it at that. His actions will tell you all you need to know.

[This message edited by HellFire at 6:13 PM, Friday, November 3rd]

Does this mean that he now knows that his work phone is your source? Acccckkk!

I gave him my requirements that I need before I can even trust that any R could possibly happen.

What are your requirements?

Does this mean that he now knows that his work phone is your source? Acccckkk!

Yes, because there's no other way to call him out if I didn't tell him I knew he was lying his ass off. I told him when I get home I will be accessing his work phone and if the password was changed, or ever gets changed, I am done with the marriage and will be filing for divorce.

My requirements were:

1. He has to turn on his google location on both his personal and work phone. This way I can see where he's been. I know that there is Life360, but I am not a fan of it and he can't download that onto his work phone.

2. Individual and couples counseling ASAP. He scoffed at this because he 'doesn't like talking to people'. I asked him, do you want to keep your fear or your wife, cause you can't have both. Either get over not liking to talk to someone or get over being married.

3. 100% honesty every time, no matter how scared he may be for him to tell me. Keeping things from me, thinking that he's keeping me from hurting, is 1000 times worse then him putting his big boy pants on and telling me the truth like a grown man. He doesn't get to decide if it is the last straw for me anymore. I told him that he was selfish to think that he's protecting me by not being honest and truthful.

4. I get access to everything, no matter what, whenever I want, with no fight. If a password changes and he doesn't tell me right away, I'm out.

5. No sex until STD tests come back. I told him I don't care that he swears nothing happened. I can't even THINK about being intimate with him until I know 100% for sure we are clean. I told him even then, I don't know when I will feel comfortable enough to be intimate.

I told him that this was not a finite list and that I am sure that there will be more things I will need moving forward.

I don't know what R really looks like because to be honest, we have never done it. I told him that there is no sweeping this under the rug like all the other times. I would demand all of this before and then we would just never do anything and there would be no consequences, and it was under the rug it went until the next time. F That.

The nail I have been lying on is finally too painful and I am getting up. I am don't being the whimpering dog in pain but to scared to get up and move.

And no, I won't contact AP. You are right. Anything that she says will be pointless for me.

BRAVA! Your list is excellent. And you're a bad ass. Carry on with your bad self!

Excellent! Keep it up! Always value yourself!

BRAVA! Your list is excellent. And you're a bad ass. Carry on with your bad self!

Thank you Sacred, but man I don't feel bad ass.

I know it will be easier to stand on this hill the longer I am on it, but it's scary.

100% honesty every time, no matter how scared he may be for him to tell me

He's already broken this requirement. Now what?

If you make a requirement, it should be set in stone. He's broken one. One of,if not THE most important requirement. If you don't give some form of severe consequence, he won't take you seriously.

Hellfire - To be honest, I don't know.

But, as a lover of literature, this screams of foreshadowing. If I had not found all of those texts and taken pictures before hand, he would once again be getting away with lying to me and I would never have known.

This really sucks.

That's a good point: What are the consequences of unmet requirements? Your mind and heart are in the right place, but what are the big guns?

I guess because I didn't even consider WH would break a requirement less then 12 hours afterwards, I am ill prepared for it.

Uggg

I'm thinking the 180 might be the answer. He doesn't want to act right but he still wants a wife? Too bad, sucker. Run your own life. Do your own laundry. Shop for your own groceries.

Maybe that will work?

Your husband has cheated before, did understand that correctly? Forgive me if I'm wrong. However, he is still telling you lies and still covering his tracks with THIS one. He is NOT a good candidate for reconciliation. At minimum you should be preparing for separation and speaking with an attorney. Want to know what a good consequence was for deleting those texts and then lying, kick him out, either with D papers or LS papers and make him earn his way back home. Anything else is just lip service, ask me how I know. Presently, you are rugsweeping, not reconciliation because there were no consequences.
Unless the OW didn't know he was married, leave that shitshow alone. Your problem is your husband. HIM you can impose consequences. Start thinking about what life without him would look like. You might be surprised at how appealing that looks like.

StillLiving I hear you, I do.

He is NOT a good candidate for reconciliation.

If I remember correctly years ago here, there were WH's with multiple DDays and they eventually went on to R with their BS.

I would agree that he's not a good candidate if we had actually R'd in the past and he either faked it or broke it, but to be fair, we have never truly R'd from his prior EA's. We both rugswept it and hoped that it would just fade away into history.

That is just as much my fault as his on that front. Does he deserve the chance at R now? Maybe not. My issue is that if we have never tried to R in the past, real R, working on ourselves R, doing the steps and doing the work R, then is there anything wrong with trying it now? The worst that can happen is that its false R and I accept that it's done. The best thing that can happen is that he takes it seriously now and we actually do come out the other side better then ever.

I am not naive. I don't trust him at all right now. It's something that only time will be able to tell now.

He's been the motivator this time, which has never happened before. He's called counseling places, setting up appointments, and has given me access to everything. Is it a front? Don't know yet. Is it a good start, yes.

Want to know what a good consequence was for deleting those texts and then lying, kick him out, either with D papers or LS papers and make him earn his way back home.

This is honestly the advice I would give someone else too. At this moment in our lives though, it's not something I can do. There are other issues other than this EA that our family is dealing with. I am however getting ducks in rows for separation/divorce if he stops taking my requirements seriously. Things I should have done long ago, but was stuck on the luxury boat on DeNile and didn't want to see where I was going.

Unless the OW didn't know he was married, leave that shitshow alone. Your problem is your husband. HIM you can impose consequences. Start thinking about what life without him would look like. You might be surprised at how appealing that looks like.

OW knows about me, I have met her before and we have mutual friends. My petty betty came out, but one of my friends stopped it quickly. I wanted to send her flowers, but flowers with negative meaning, just saying Sincerely Mrs. ItWillGetBetter09. I have dropped her and am focusing on the real issue.

I have thought about a life without him. As with all things, it's got its pros and cons. If he chooses to stay the way that he is, the pros will absolutely outweigh the cons.