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I am almost a week out now from finding suspicious texts on WH's work phone. I need to have this confrontation/conversation with him soon because I am not handling things well. I really wanted to wait it out and just watch, but I haven't slept more than an hour or two a night since October 26th. I can't eat much, and I am just physically not doing well.

My problem is that I do not want him to know how I know. He has no idea that I know the passcode to his work phone. It's an Iphone and it needs 6 digits for the code and it was a miracle that I didn't lock his phone out a few times trying to figure it out to begin with.

I've been married to him for almost 15 years, so I already know how this will go. As soon as I accuse him he will be like "well, you said that one thing to that one person, how is this different".....Well, first of all, I have 1 male friend that I talk to. He's more like a brother and there's never been anything between us. I let go of all of my other male friends at the beginning of our relationship because he felt that they were too flirty with me....(the damn irony makes me want to )

How do I kept the conversation going in the right direction? Just not address what he says? Are there key phrases out there that can help?

I was going to check the phone tonight one more time for anything new and then prepare for a confrontation on Wednesday.

It really depends on what you are looking to get out of the confrontation. You know what you know and you are under no obligation to reveal your sources or how you know. You can say something like, "I know you've been having an affair and I'm not going to remain married to someone in an active affair. Here are the divorce papers." You then proceed to hand him divorce papers and go make yourself a sandwich or go for a walk. He will try to lie and twist and gaslight you into having an argument, do not engage, walk away from him.

Not only are you under no obligation to reveal your sources, and/or how much you know, as stated above--- I'll take it a step further and suggest that you should never ever ever ever reveal your sources.

Cheaters are desperate to know how you found out, and how much you know, so that they can determine how to hide better, and how much they need to lie, and what they can get away with.. It's classic damage assessment leading to damage control.

Its much better if they spend some sleepless nights trying to figure out how they got caught.

Don't reveal how you know.

You need to be as vague as possible, he needs to do the talking. I made many missteps before and after Dday but I nailed the confrontation. I told her "I know you are having an A, I will not continue with you lying and cheating on me" She started what how, who, what? I told her to tell me, and that I knew more than she thought.

So don't reveal any specifics, "I know you are cheating". Don't answer any questions that's his job now, he needs to fill in the missing peices.

What exactly did you find?

I can't tell from your previous posts. It might help with advice.

Tell him you know he has been unfaithful.

He will lie. Keep repeating that you KNOW. He will try to get you to talk,so he can figure out exactly what you know,and how you know it. From there, he will only admit to the bare minimum.

Never reveal your sources. You know. Anything other than a confession is a lie. You already know the truth. This isn't a court of law. You don't have to provide evidence. Tell him you will not reveal how you know. You could tell him anything less than a full confession, right now, will result in an immediate separation. (Only if you can,and will,follow through.). This will be the fastest way to cut through his denials.

What exactly did you find?

I can't tell from your previous posts. It might help with advice.

This time? They were texts. Nothing sexually explicit, but defiantly flirty.

(For context, my husband is a police officer. I haven't mentioned it mostly because I know that will add a bias to many people's opinion. I know that he would act/be this way no matter what his profession is)

Some examples of exchanges are:

Her: I think you are scared of me

WH: You should know I don't scare easy

Her: I never thought you did.. I'm just that scary

WH: That's a lot of confidence in yourself

Her: Are you saying I don't scare you??

WH: Not been scared yet.

Her: Why can't you just admit that you like me or not??

WH: I do like you

Her: You're such a pain in the ass... I hate that I like you

WH: LOL Always name calling

Her: I've got lots of names for you...

WH: Oh yea?

Her Oh Yes

WH: Glad I could help you expand your vocabulary

Her: Im a fucking genius...you've just helped put some of my vocabulary to good use.

See, knowing my WH - there are many things he could have her calling him. Sir, Master, Mister, and then of course, any of the choice words one would use while horizontal.

Her: Give me another blunt answer about me, this is fun

WH: Nope

Her: Just one more?!?! This is taking my mind off of other things...

WH: Nope

Her: I'll Trade you

WH: For what?

Her: Anything you want

WH: What are you offering

Her: Whatever, you start and we will negotiate

WH: Nope

Her: Just pick a trade!

WH: Why so hostile, calm down.

Her: I have high hopes of what you may want....Just tell me

Her: Did you miss me?

WH: Yes

Those are just some of them. Another issue is that she works for the town parks department and manages the pool. When it was opened, she asked him to come to the pool because she was scared to go into the bathrooms by herself.

It was 10am, broad daylight, and the pool and it's buildings are surrounded by 8ft fences with locked gates. Why would a grown ass woman be scared to go into the bathrooms.

*edited the word Hope to Nope in the text exchange*

[This message edited by ItWillGetBetter09 at 6:39 PM, Wednesday, November 1st]

They definitely have a banter together and the boundaries are getting blurry just leads to further crossing of boundaries. If they are not in an EA yet it is definitely leading towards that.

Looking at the text exchanges…

Is she in 7th grade?

Looks like a full-blown EA to me.

Are you wanting to attempt R, or are you done?

Is she married?

Those text messages are plenty of evidence to point to an EA. I mean, straight out of the book "Not Just Friends" this whole text thread is total ick to me. As a former MH, I'm so incredibly careful that when I have to text a female colleague that I'm very careful not to engage in bullshit like this.

Quite frankly, these messages are absolute proof of an EA and if they have physical access to each other, this is most certainly a PA. Look, having had an EA myself, the section I highlighted below really jumped out at me and it screamed at me that this is a physical relationship as well. You may not have any proof of the physical relationship, but this is the kind of shit you say to someone you are sleeping with.

Her: Give me another blunt answer about me, this is fun
WH: Nope
Her: Just one more?!?! This is taking my mind off of other things...
WH: Hope
Her: I'll Trade you
WH: For what?
Her: Anything you want
WH: What are you offering
Her: Whatever, you start and we will negotiate
WH: Nope
Her: Just pick a trade!
WH: Why so hostile, calm down.
Her: I have high hopes of what you may want....Just tell me

LaLaGirl - I feel like I am. There are more texts than that and it's not any prettier.

SacredSoul33 - She's not married anymore. Their exchange about that is this:

Her: All I want in life is a man to be there for fun and then disappear in between....seems like every guys dream
WH: LOL that does sound tempting but I have yet to meet a women that truly wants that. No Thank you

To be honest, I don't know what I want right now. It's so fresh that I don't know which end is up.

I will say that the texts after I told him that "He knows what he's done" but that I couldn't talk about it right then have him pulling way back.

Her: Is it clingy that I text you??
WH: As often as you did yes
Her: Did....not do?
WH: Did and it was the main reason I pulled away
Her: I am sorry for that and wish I could go back....I don't know what I wanted then...was kind of a mess.
WH: I understand but you were willing to take the risk I was not. It's all good, we're still friends.

I want to believe that this means there was no sex, but could still leave the door open to kiss and touching so....

When I checked his phone yesterday, he had not answered her texts from Sunday and Monday. That means they have either gone to another texting platform or he actually did know what he was doing and is dropping it.

Either way, I have to address it and I am petrified. I am not ready for a divorce right now, so I don't want to throw that on the table. I 100% know that whatever I throw down I need to be able to enact. I have read that one of the worst things I can do is threaten to do something, but then never do it. WH's just learn that they are empty threats and ignore them.

Yeah, that's an EA. No doubt about it. It's possible that, if he conducted his EA solely via his work phone, he knows that you have access (how else would you know?) and has either moved to another platform or is backing away. That "you were willing to take the risk I was not. It's all good, we're still friends" might be intended for your eyes.

Either way, I have to address it and I am petrified. I am not ready for a divorce right now, so I don't want to throw that on the table. I 100% know that whatever I throw down I need to be able to enact. I have read that one of the worst things I can do is threaten to do something, but then never do it. WH's just learn that they are empty threats and ignore them.

Do you have the means to get ready for a D, just in case? Does he?

I'm sure the minutia of this being simply inappropriate, a slippery slope, full blown EA or hidden PA can be hashed out for quite some time. BUT it was kept secret from you and anyway you describe it, it is flat out wrong. You know this, we all know this.

How to confront - you have been given excellent advise. Practice what you will say in front of a mirror.

Any evidence you have, put it in a safe place and make a back up copy also stored in a safe place.

Do not give up anything. Practice saying that too - because most likely he will push and could be none-too-gently.

If the other person has a spouse/significant other - expose! Do not tell your WH you will do this. Just expose. In fact, you could expose right before you confront - like a 2fer. But will catch them both off guard and they won't have the opportunity to "get their stories straight"

Also - as they are coworkers have you considered reporting to HR?

I made a lot of mistakes on my DDays, I wish I'd have made a post like this.

Good luck to you. Sending strength.

Well done for getting this advice at this point in proceedings. I could write a book on things I got wrong (in fact I plan to create a thread on exactly that at some point) but here is one thing I think I got right:

When my WW met up with POSOM behind my back on one occasion, and I had sufficient evidence, I went and spoke to her calmly and asked her to describe that night to me. She lied to my face about it. I asked her again, and she lied again. The key line I then used, calmly, which I think worked well, was "Is that the story you are sticking with? If so, that is fine, I am going to walk out of the door now and we will go from there". She then caved and told me everything. I didn't reveal how I knew what I knew, but what she told me corroborated with what I knew.

The other thing I would add is don't wait too long. Agree with everyone this is very much an EA, and I know how much that hurts. But there is a chance you can put a stop to this before it becomes a PA and those text exchanges certainly look like enough evidence to confront. Be strong, and keep posting here. I wish I knew of this site when I was at the point you are.

Wishing you the best of luck.

If the other person has a spouse/significant other - expose!

Chaos, she is at least separated, though I can't find any record of divorce. Her ex is already in another relationship. I can't think of any benefit of contacting him now.

Also - as they are coworkers have you considered reporting to HR?

They technically do both work for the city, however, fraternization rules don't apply because neither one are supervisors over the other.

Also, as much as I am mad at him for this, I can't risk his job. It pays very very well, and if we do divorce, I would be better off with him having a good stable job. Also, this is his dream job. We both worked hard to get him to where he is and regardless of how he's treating me, I can't let all of that hard work go to waste.

Maybe that's me in a fog, but the cost outweighs the risk at this point on that front for me.

I am planning on confronting today. I haven't decided if I am going to leave work early or not so that we can have this conversation in an empty house. Both kids get home from school around 3pm.

I know that:

1. I will not reveal how I know, just that I do know and that's all that matters
2. I do not want to drag prior marriage history that is not related to his infidelity into the conversation. I realize that I haven't been the perfect wife, but that's not what's up for discussion at this moment, it's his continued infidelity.
3. I will not be putting divorce as an ultimatum during the conversation, however, there will be requirements he needs to agree to and if he cannot, then he will need to leave the house. He has plenty of work buddies that he can stay with for a few days.
4. I am going to be looking into therapy for myself regardless of his choice. I am hoping to find a place that offers family and marriage counseling as well, but at the minimum I need some help.

I did write a letter out for myself, hoping to get my thoughts in order and just seeing our history written out devastates me. I am embarrassed that I have allowed this to go on for so long. His first EA was in 2011.

I don't know if I can ever trust him again. I know that it would be unfair to both of us if I give him the hope of R if I don't think that I could ever trust him even if he fully commits to all of my requirements. I don't know if I can live waiting for the other shoe to drop for the rest of our lives. That is something that I have to really think about.

I am planning on confronting today. I haven't decided if I am going to leave work early or not so that we can have this conversation in an empty house. Both kids get home from school around 3pm.

My advice, make sure that you share with someone you can trust, like a family member or a close friend that you know is on your side, that you are doing this. In the event that you need to get out of there quickly, following the Boy Scout model of "be prepared" and have yourself a bag for you to leave and a plan for you to go if you need to. For your sake I hope that none of that is needed, but I've seen far too many situations here on SI where a confrontation can go sideways and ugly very quickly and unfortunately those tend to occur more often when a BW is confronting a WH, but that is not to say that BHs haven't had their share of dust up confrontations with WWs. I just want to make sure you come out of this safe. We never know what our spouses are truly capable of, because let's face it, if we thought they were capable of affairs, we wouldn't have married them.

If your state allows for one-party recording, consider recording the conversation you have with him, for your protection and reference later if needed. I hate to fear for your safety, and don't misunderstand where I'm coming from, you have gotten this far, you are a strong woman who is not to be trifled with, but I'm almost a foot taller than my wife, I'm a former college football player and I've got well over 100 lbs on my wife, so if things were ever physical, it would not be a fair fight and so while I know nothing about your stature of your WH's stature, I'm playing the percentages here that he is bigger and stronger and ultimately we all want you to be safe coming out of this. Again, we don't know what our spouses are truly capable of until the confrontation begins. Be prepared for gaslighting, lying and defensive anger.

Wish you well and if you are able to, please update us after the confrontation so that we know you have made it safely to the other side.

I don't know if I can ever trust him again. I know that it would be unfair to both of us if I give him the hope of R if I don't think that I could ever trust him even if he fully commits to all of my requirements. I don't know if I can live waiting for the other shoe to drop for the rest of our lives. That is something that I have to really think about.

Don't worry about being fair to him right now. It's admirable that fairness is important to you, but you don't have to pick a direction right now - or anytime soon. Not that tit for tat is a healthy thing, but he's not too concerned with being fair to you...

I second the suggestion to record the conversation if it's legal where you live, not only for your safety, but also so that you can play it back for clarity. If you even halfway suspect that things might go sideways, it might also be a good idea to have a friend on the phone.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 6:08 PM, Thursday, November 2nd]

Bor9455 and Sacred - I sincerely appreciate the concern and the suggestion of recording the conversation. I have been unable to leave early from work, so it appears that we will just have to have this conversation in the bedroom. The kids are older and tend to hunker down in their rooms with headphones, so I am comfortable with that.

WH has never shown violence towards myself or the kids before, however, you all are correct that everyone has the potential, and he has training that I don't. This will certainly be different since real consequences will be on the table. I am not rug sweeping this time and that could change the dynamic.

My brother already knows that I plan on talking to WH tonight, but I may let a friend know who lives closer to us just in case.

In every conversation in the past, the only thing that WH does is shut down. His favorite thing in the world is the silent treatment and space.

Please let us know how it goes when you have the opportunity.

If he does decide to shut down and avoid you, work on doing the 180 yourself, and look for an attorney. Even if you decide not to divorce, it will give you an idea of what divorce will look like for you, and (hopefully) empower you.