SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have probably asked a variation of this before but I need to ask again.

How did you stop seeing who he was, what he did, and how he acted? He's definitely made good changes and a lot of progress, but at the end of the day I still just can't see past his past, who he was and the things he did. Then I just get angry all over again. Did it just take you a specific amount of time? Was there something your unfaithful spouse did that helped you see past it?

I can just be doing nothing and then I get flashbacks of a time he lied straight to my face or said something terrible or did something terrible and then I'm gutted all over again as if it happened again.

I want this to work out but I just wonder if it's a deal breaker for me. And I just can't accept it yet.

Sometimes I feel like the only way I'm going to get over this is to get back at him. Where I feel justice has been served and we even the score. But I could never, it's not who I am or want to be. So then that just leaves me to assume I will never be able to get past this, forgive it, and move forward.

Any feedback? If anybody overcame this and reconciliation is good, I would love to hear feedback.

I had my FWH on a pedestal pre-A. He's become human, like us all. I have to accept that he was/is capable of this. Do I still love him? Yes, sometimes I wish I didn't. It would have been so much easier.

For me, it was 1000 little things over a long period of time. I can see how he's been changed by this experience. It helped that he showed real remorse over time. He drove the reconciliation bus, while I could focus on my recovery. It was very difficult. There wasn't just one thing. He became much more invested in our day to day lives. Much more present with me. Much more patient and empathic.

Evening the score.....hell....thought crossed my mind, as well. But, I don't think it would make me feel better in the long run. I am much more aware that I'm not as invisible to the opposite sex, as I thought I was. If it doesn't work out, I'll not be alone....unless I want to be.

I once asked our MC, when early on....I was an utter mess. Will it be worth it? Will the work and heartbreak be worth it? She said, "you've just described the risk in any human relationship".

I'm sorry you're here. It has to be the hardest thing that one can experience in relationship. Take care.

It's our limbic system (lizard brain) standing watch. Our brain works to protect us, there are warning bells that go off from time to time that remind us to never give in to blind trust again. Small things can trigger us, it's good to take a trigger and process what it's telling us and work through it.

I'm 4 years + and the flashbacks still happen, they just don't knock me over like they did early after Dday. I can forgive but I won't forget.

Honestly, I still see the whole picture when I look at my H. I see the guy who did awful things, and I see the guy who worked hard to make amends for those awful things. I see the reality of who he is. In the abstract it feels bittersweet, but up close he's still my BFF.

What he did might be a dealbreaker for you, but it also might still be too fresh to determine whether or not it's something that you can work through. You might never be able to forgive or get past it. Some things are unforgiveable, but as was pointed out to me recently, maybe it's not necessary to forgive or "get past" everything in order to R.

It has been 8 years — with lots of mess in the middle of TT — but lately reconciliation going well. Our fights are more about how we are treating each other now. I have only had one legitimate flashback in the last year. It was a flashback to him lying to me on the telephone not to cheating. Triggers are hugely reduced now. There are a couple places in a 50 mile radius that cause me a couple minutes of angst when I drive by them. When he is sitting in certain offices — where the actual physical stuff happened — I can sometimes get a little triggery, but it is like 5% of the version I used to experience and it happens a couple times a month. So by and large I am feeling much much better.

How did you stop seeing who he was, what he did, and how he acted?

I really don’t see that at all anymore in him. He is really a very different person. He can be prickly and irritable at times and that bugs me but it continues to get better. But, as far as the person that could lie and betray his children and his wife in such a cold hearted cruel way. I do not see that person at all. That person just seems to be totally gone, and has been gone for a long long time. It did take years. Years of positive memories, transparency (partial until the last big reveal one year ago, which he did by choice), acts of kindness, etc. I honestly am still not 1000% certain that I will get over the fact that cheating ever occurred. I’m still not sure if I am that person, that can put that thing aside. THAT is something I am working though on my own. But as far as him, I fully believe he deserves reconciliation and I believe he is not that person. I believe he has paid a massive price and keeps paying, willingly. He doesn’t always get it right but he keeps trying.

If I can’t be the person who lets it go it will be because of my prior trauma. My father and GF cheated with coworkers. Both left their spouses (my GF permanently and my father returned after living with the OW for months). I have some kind of abandonment complex related to that. If I can get over that I will stay. But, my husband will not be the main or only reason. It will just be an unfortunate set of circumstances that drove us apart, one piece of which was his cheating. I really believe my husband has fully made amends.

It's very common to think about having one's own A after d-day. The thing for me was that I wanted an A only if I could affair up, and honey, they ALWAYS affair down. There's no way to affair up. Besides, to match my W's cheating, I'd have had to cheat with an unattractive man ... that's just not me.

You can't get justice and R. If you R, you need to be merciful and full of grace. If you continue to want justice, perhaps R is not for you.

If justice is more important than grace and mercy to you, so be it. If you really don't want to R, so be it. Both D & R can be honorable outcomes of infidelity. The trick is for each of us to figure out which way is better for ourselves.

My reco is to avoid forcing yourself one way or another . Instead, give yourself permission to choose justice or mercy, and let the choice between grow organically.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond. I just feel so defeated.

Not so BTW, sometimes, when R is going well, my lizard brain jumped up and told me, 'Watch out!' That was because I was afraid R was going too well. In fact, R was going well and was going to continue to go well. I just didn't trust my W, myself, or the process.

IOW, your best bet is to analyze your thoughts and feelings, identify where they come from ('objective' observation, gut, healthy self-awareness, WS's body language, etc., etc., etc.), and decide what you'll do.

Hi Felix12306,

I can just be doing nothing and then I get flashbacks of a time [s]he lied straight to my face or said something terrible or did something terrible and then I'm gutted all over again as if it happened again.

Yup. This happens to me. As much as I tried to eliminate triggers, they are ever present. It's up to us to begin not allowing these intrusive thoughts steal the hard earned (yet brief) moments of joy. As much as it felt like I would never ever feel better, I do find moments when I have hope.

Sometimes I feel like the only way I'm going to get over this is to get back at him. Where I feel justice has been served and we even the score. But I could never, it's not who I am or want to be. So then that just leaves me to assume I will never be able to get past this, forgive it, and move forward.

I do not think doing anything you will regret afterwards is the way to deal with what you are feeling right now. But I totally understand. I was right there briefly a few weeks ago. But in your own words it's not who I am or want to be you will find the answer you seek.

Any feedback? If anybody overcame this and reconciliation is good, I would love to hear feedback.

I have been accused by some (not here) of being a sucker for wanting to stay in my marriage and work it out, interestingly back in 2009 it was mostly women friends that suggested I leave my WW. If you are secure enough to move past the pain and mistrust due to the A, R is a worthwhile and achievable goal when both partners are equally invested in the process.

I think everything you stated coukd have been written by me.

Yes I get angry over his affairs (more than one) though it is infrequently.

Yes I have wanted to get back at him.

Yes I have worked hard to understand that he didn’t cheat b/c he didn’t love me but b/c of his own issues.

You are only two years away from Dday and I can tell you the first 3 years of R I struggled tremendously. The first year I was certain I was D him. Every day I woke up and thought "I need to get out of this marriage".

The healing process is long and slow unfortunately. And remove the notion of "justice being served". That will only make you more unhappy with yourself AND often it’s the revenge fantasy that is really only in movies or some social media video or list lol.

I listen to some good revenge sings though.

Pray For You by Joran and the Long Road to Love (I think that’s the group). GF cheats and the betrayed Bf writes a song. It’s funny. Listen to it. My favorite lines are:

I pray your birthday comes and nobody calls

I pray all your dreams never come true

Hope this helps you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:56 AM, Wednesday, October 25th]