SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you everyone for your replies.

I am going to really try the 180.. I know I need to. It’s just so hard when you feel like you don’t have all the answers you need to understand totally.

However, I don’t think I will ever get them. He is too self absorbed and in self protective mode. He says I don’t endear him to want to share his thoughts and realisations when I get angry and spring these conversations on him. However, he’s not once said let’s talk on this date at this time. All he asks for is time, time, time. I’m sick of it… the time never comes. He will not face me or himself and I can’t force him to. I’m not sure he ever will.

You are right I can’t keep twisting myself up over all of this I need to try to let it go.

The 180 is for when you don't have the answers - it will grant you clarity and peace of mind if you are truly able to let go of the outcome and can focus on your choices, your healing, and your wellbeing.

I just wanted to post an update of where I am at after posting this thread a few days ago and some realisations I have come to about myself and what I have also done.

Am I a MH?

My story is in my profile but, I did leave something out.

Last year I had a party at our home on my birthday and a COW I was good friends with attended. Looking back we had been flirty at work on occasions but, never one and one and I suppose I didn’t really realise boundaries had been crossed.

That night after my partner went to bed my COW cornered me in my garage and tried to kiss me and I said no. However, afterwards I was flirty with him and cuddly which is what I told my partner after I found out about his A this year - no I hadn’t told him about what had happened at the time as I was scared he would leave me and I love him to pieces.

However, what I’ve come to realise these last few days is that I had actually left out some other important details I guess I tried to compartmentalise them in my head and covered them with leaves. Last night I was honest with him and told him no I didn’t kiss him or sleep with him but, I had groped him and he had groped me and seen my breasts as well.

We are at 3 months since I found about about his A and we aren’t together anymore as he says he doesn’t love me anymore and that’s why he had an A.

I’ve explained to him that of course I know I’ve lied as well and it was cheating too. At the time I had thought for a few weeks that I no longer loved him and then as soon as this incident happened I came to my senses and realised it wasn’t true and that I clearly didn’t love myself. There’s no justification for what I did really. However, I didn’t intend for it to happen and it was one night for half an hour of madness and I immediately said we couldn’t be friends anymore and told him to leave and I had NC with him after that.

However, a couple of months later it was his birthday and I had previously been invited so I went and took my partner with me, I don’t know why I did this, looking back perhaps I was worried it would seem suspicious if we didn’t go and my partner would ask questions. Awful thing to do I know this. Even at this time I wasn’t speaking with my COW at all, he had left my place of work as well.

After telling my XP this last night at first he said he didn’t feel like he could get on his high horse about it, I said that’s no true, yes he cheated and slept with someone else but it doesn’t mean he isn’t allowed to feel upset or angry about what I’ve done and the fact I didn’t tell him about it and even when I did I’ve TT’d.

He said he feels like what I’ve done and what he’s done isn’t the same thing but, he doesn’t like that it happened, doesn’t like that it was in our house whilst he was asleep upstairs and he doesn’t like that I took him to the party either which is all absolutely fair. It was awful what I did. He remembered that I came to bed and had sex with him that night as well he said you came up straight after and had sex with me, I’ve told him it wasn’t straight after and it was nothing to do with my COW but, I can understand why it would feel that way. I haven’t forgiven myself for it and now I feel like such a hypocrite for making him feel so ashamed and guilty for what he did but, at the same time it doesn’t feel like the same thing.

I didnt continue it on for 2-3 months like my XP did, I didn’t have the intent to sleep with him and I immediately made sure to put a stop to it. I didn’t pretend to love my partner for 6 months when I didn’t like he did to me. I didn’t leave him so I could sleep with my COW like my partner did. I didn’t blow up our whole life over an A fantasy. Yes of course what I did was out of line and still cheating and clearly I went there first. I feel like I have done the inner work to find the reason for why I allowed such a thing to happen and I’ve realised I didn’t love myself and it had absolutely nothing to do with my partner, I clearly had shitty boundaries without even realising but, I made sure I fixed those, yes in hindsight I should have been honest and told him and we should have been fixing these things together. But, I didn’t know how to. And clearly neither did he.

I still love him very much but, sadly he is saying he doesn’t love me anymore and wants to sell the house and that’s that. However, he still stonewalls and doesn’t want to speak about why he cheated and why he didn’t once speak out that he was unhappy for so long and why he didn’t bother trying to fix things.

I can’t believe how much I lied to myself over all of this and how long it’s taken me to come to the realisation I’ve cheated as well.

  Moving to General

For me, you've had physical contact that was sexual in nature with somebody who is not your spouse, and then you covered it up. In my mind, this makes the situation now a mad hatter (MH) scenario.

Unfortunately, this puts you in a spot where you have a lot of healing that you need to do, both as a WS and BS. Sorry you're hurting. I would check out the Healing Library to see if there's anything that may be relevant to you as you look at things through both lenses.

Leafields,

Thank you for responding.

Yes, I agree with you. I have been doing a lot of self reflection on this and have been utilising the healing library since Sunday last week, this was when I disclosed my indiscretion to him. He’s not really asked me too much about it and only asked questions on that day. Since then he’s not said a word about it except he doesn’t know what to think.

I have shared with him some of the inner work I have been doing to understand myself and why it happened and what I’m doing to try and heal. It’s still early days for me in the department but, I’m definitely getting some good progress from it.