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But I am really stuck in anger, punishing him as good as daily with rage an verbal abuse.

It sounds like you are turning a corner and are beginning to question the concept of ‘punishment’ and its relationship to abuse, especially in the retaliatory way you have described how you use your anger. These are great questions you are asking yourself at the end of your OP. Essentially moving from feeling yourself in the role of victim to a place of more empowerment.

Is such violent rage ever justified behaviour of a ‘good, decent human being’ (to quote you). Perhaps seeing both of you, you as well as him both as ‘flawed humans’, because perhaps your behaviour could also be seen as ‘monstrous’ in some way from what you say, is helpful. All you can do in this life is try to become the best version of yourself/ yourselves. You seem resilient, you’re doing a huge amount to help yourself and it sounds like there is a turning point towards making meaning out of all this. It seems a moment quite pregnant with hope and looking forward to the possibilities you and he can now make together. How can you make that more constructive than destructive, I guess is the question you are asking.

Am I right in understanding your post that he betrayed you in an affair for 2 and half months and then trickle truther for several months? Are you able to look at that in context of the totality of your life together? Has he had your back otherwise? Has he been loving and supportive? Has he the capacity for growth and self awareness? What are his redeeming qualities? Is he really the ‘low-life’ that you call him later? It’s hard when we’ve been blindsided but it is for our own healing that we need to work hard to reduce the cortisol response, the new enlarged size of the amygdala etc in order to bring a more regulated nervous system to the negotiating table. For me, that was absolutely about retaining and developing my interest in all sorts of stuff beyond infidelity, just getting out there and regaining my ‘self’. Reclaiming myself, I guess. Distraction is a very useful tool in that respect. It also means finding more grounding ways to regulating the nervous system than appeasing it temporarily with firing off 50 salvos a day, when triggered. And not triggering yourself. Being in the present and working to the future. Validating instead both of your efforts to heal.

IMHO.

[This message edited by Edie at 1:19 PM, Thursday, October 19th]

Am I right in understanding your post that he betrayed you in an affair for 2 and half months and then trickle truther for several months?

The affair lasted approx 2,5 months, during that time the affair never left their workplace they have never met outside of the office and so it was about 90% online chatting that after a few weeks turned into an EA and they met a few times at work in a secluded area for a few minutes at a time in order to not get caught. The first few times there was no PA just meeting up irl, and then it turned into make out sessions and the last time there was a BJ. All meetings were 5-10 minutes at their workplace .
There has been as far as I know and believe zero TT due to the fact that I took his phone out of his hand and read the whole ugly truth. Since 90% of the affair was online and I read everything, I do believe I have the whole picture and I got it immediately so no TT so far (hoping nothing major turns up going forward).
The downside to that is I know things I wish I didn't and there are images that they sent each other that haunt me and details of their short meet-ups that I wish I didn't know down to dirty horrible details that I have struggled to come to grips with. The good part is I know what the monster looks like. And so I know what it doesn't look like. I know they truly never met up outside work as it was discussed that she wanted them to but they never got around to it (he claims he would never have been able to go through with it, I highly doubt the truth in that had I not caught them, but what's the point in speculating). I read how he tried to end it multiple times, that he repeatedly said he was not willing to leave me, that we were struggling in our M and in therapy but he was not ready to give up and leave and so not willing to give her what she wanted from him etc. This does in no way excuse him in the least but at least I know he wasn't planning to leave me for her etc. and I know he isn't lying about having met her outside those short hookups.

How can you make that more constructive than destructive, I guess is the question you are asking.

This is exactly what I'm after. I'm realising I need to turn this side of my reactions around, for myself, as well as for our R. It makes me feel like crap and it's not helping us forward in any way or form. But I'm struggling. I am so triggered beyond belief and he has a hard time staying calm and supportive when I spiral (no wonder) which sends me into utter despair as I feel abandoned in my suffering that he has caused. This is usually when I start raging and calling him names. He is mostly supportive, not AS supportive as I would like but then again he was never really that type since 20+ years, he's apologetic and remorseful, he has changed many major things completely and so like many others, I find myself having a way better H than before the A, but the atomic bomb it took to get him there just seems hard to genuinely accept. Not perfect but good enough is perhaps what I'd call it. He isn't a model WW but certainly not from the worst end either.

It’s interesting you’ve used the word ‘abandoned’ and I’m wondering if this is something, in terms of your past as well as the feelings around the A, you have explored with your IC? The rage is being fuelled by fear and hurt and maybe not just a current fear and hurt, and probably grief, but one from the past. Try surfing the anger when it comes, not acting it out but breathing into it. Perhaps much-needed tears will follow.

It sounds like you are getting retraumatised by imagery seen etc and it would be useful to explore rewind therapy or some other kind of trauma processing methods to disempower flashback and other triggers for you. It’s also useful to be very clear what your triggers are and to see them coming so you can disempower them. Have a plan for when they arise and how you will help yourself with self compassion to look after yourself and get a change of scene or whatever might help to refocus you.

Basically it’s about responding not reacting. That might need some planning and retraining yourself. But always start with the breath. And focus on it and slowing it down.

Are you and he able to do pursue activities together that are flow based, sharing some fun or new skills or whatever, that allow you to spend time together that is not about the A?

I would also add that as helpful as SI can be, it is also potentially very triggering so take some care and responsibility for yourself and your reconciliation whilst here.

[This message edited by Edie at 2:14 PM, Thursday, October 19th]

Thank you Edie for your thoughtful responses.

Are you and he able to do pursue activities together that are flow based, sharing some fun or new skills or whatever, that allow you to spend time together that is not about the A?

Yes, we work out together 4 times per week now that our kids are teens, we have always worked out but separately, we started this together on WWs initiative immediately after DD and both really love sharing this activity. We also spend a lot of time together in our yard and on our house working on small projects together, this always brings us close.

Thanks for the warning about sites such as SI, I have noticed it can be quite triggering so I've had long breaks of weeks where I don't venture in here at all and I stay clear of a lot of discussions.

It’s interesting you’ve used the word ‘abandoned’ and I’m wondering if this is something, in terms of your past as well as the feelings around the A, you have explored with your IC?

Yes, this is one of my major issues being dealt with in IC. I have some serious FOO issues and feeling betrayed by important figures in my life in different ways as well as abandoned emotionally to deal with difficult things on my own has been something I have had to endure since childhood. So I have realised I need to work on self-soothing more and not always rely on my WW to be there to sooth my triggers and fears. It's tough though. Tougher than anything I've been through before and that's a lot. Infidelity was pretty much the perfect storm for an anxiously attached, previously traumatised individual such as myself

😁

Well, the things with storms is that they eventually pass and there’s always a wonderful calm after them. Sounds like you’re really doing great work on yourself 😊

At what point did you stop thinking about the A allt he time, all day long? It's been 11 months and it's still the first thing I think of when I wake up, the last at night and apart from if I'm completely enthralled in some conversation about something else or in my work it's still on my mind most of the day. I'm just so fed up with this being what takes up most of my waking hours, I would like to be able to get longer breaks between this being the no 1 thing on my mind. I realise getting to some kind of healed place takes years, but I was hoping I wouldn't still think about this almost all my waking time by now. Several times per day still? sure, but not most minutes of every day....it's not that I'm triggered all the time anymore, its just that it's the main thing ioccupying my mind and emotions still which I absolutely hate.

First, people heal at different rates, but I believe thinking of the A when you wake up and go to sleep is common for the 1st year and more.

When I started recognizing when I was persistently ruminating over what my W did (over anything, now that I come to think of it), I stopped ruminating and asked myself what I was feeling, not thinking. The answer had to be a feeling word, usually one of angry, sad, scared, or ashamed. Then I went to the feeling directly. Thinking and feeling are different, but they affect each other. Feeling a feeling resolves it. Thinking that comes with a feeling distances the feeling from oneself, which IMO is the wrong way to resolve a feeling.