SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You have been through so much. All of us have and it just really feels unfair. I also made decisions based on thinking I was in a stable 20 year marriage. I stopped practicing medicine clinically and was working in a different area. This is much less stable for me career wise and I only did this thinking I could probably retire in 5 years. And then this.
Mine acted very strange before the affair as well. He was angry over very small things and would completely distort things I would say. He was taking everything very personally. I thought it was stress from his job and that he wasn’t going through mid life well. That was an understatement. I think the crux of it is most waywards have not been working on themselves or diving inward in any way for years. Possibly most of their lives. I can say with certainty that was my WH and he completely agrees with me. He says he regrets not working on himself and really getting at the root of his unhappiness. They just put these band aids on and one of them happens to be an affair in our cases.
I agree with you too though looking back the resilience that I had is remarkable. I continued to work even on days I cried for most of the day. I continued to take care of my autistic child. I kept my anger and arguments with my WH hidden from my one adult child and my younger autistic child that is 16. That in itself is something I’m very proud of.

Salt - To be honest I hadn’t really worked on myself enough and neither had he. I had boxed off a lot of things and in counselling I realised I had processed them but I had issues that I hadn’t addressed. The body knows the score helped a lot and made me realise there are bits of me I probably just need to accept. This has helped my husband understand me too.

I understand myself more and have helped my kids via this too.

It sounds like our situations are very similar especially regarding life changing decisions.

Prior to me finding out he was very odd and said we needed to split - with hindsight it was the script. Finding the messages made the puzzle complete - I actually was somewhat relieved as I felt so confused.

I have strong views on life and where I want to go with it.
One key aspect is that we have a very limited amount of time in this existence. The minutes I take writing this are minutes I will never get back.
Another important aspect is that the length of time is important, but even more important is what we do with it. I had a relative exist for nearly five years with extreme Alzheimer’s and dementia, and those five years definitely did not improve his life, despite still drawing breath.
Since our time is limited, and we need to do the best with it, we shouldn’t settle for something less than we think the best we can get.
This of course moderated by what we have and can get and our priorities. Like I deserve a sportscar, but that is lower on my priorities than providing for my family, so I make do with my truck.

My partner is something I don’t make such major compromises about…
Either I want to be married to her and then I want that we both strive for that marriage to be the best marriage possible, or I divorce.

Is my marriage the best possible? No… probably not… But there is hardly a day where I don’t work at it. As does she.

The moment I or she were to say "well… It really can’t get better than this mediocrity we have reached" is the moment we start talking D.

MC get’s slammed a lot on this site. I think the main reason is that people head that way to recover from infidelity. Instead – use MC as a tool to improve your marriage. Your communications, setting goals, creating accountability… and all of a sudden it works. Only remember – it might also help you realize that your spouse isn’t on the same journey as you are.

I don't totally accept that either partner in a mindful R accept 'less'.

We had a fairy-tale relationship until the A, and W's infidelity broke many of the illusions. She was not the person I 'd hoped she was - but I think destroying illusions is a Good Thing, almost (but not totally) irrespective of how it happens.

I got to see myself act under great stress, and I believe I stepped up. In any case, I had always feared that I would accept anything, and I saw myself make some serious demands. So I lost illusions about my W, myself, and our M, but I ended up much stronger than before. That's a win for me and for everyone I'm in a relationship with.

I added boundaries in my W's image of me, and that's a win for us - she has a much better idea of what I will do in response to her. The deepest part of my love for her is unchanged, or unchanged in any way I can discern. I always knew she had a dark side, and I loved her anyway. I trusted her blindly, but that was my problem, not hers.

My W won by doing a lot of work. The WS is the primary beneficiary of healing work, IMO; I just get collateral benefit. I used to say ILY a lot, and I do it very rarely now, but it didn't keep her from cheating, so I doubt it's a loss. The work we both have done has helped us get better at showing the love we each want to give and get. That's a win.

I didn't embark on the R journey hoping to (re)build a blah M; I wanted and expected an M that would get better and better over time and eventually get better than it would have been without the crisis of the A.

I don't mean to argue with you, OP. I think I understand where your thoughts are coming from, and if you continue to hold those beliefs, you have a good guide to what you want to do. This post is just another POV.

Thank you everyone. Lots for me to think about.

He does miss the ILYs (which I say far less often) and the other words I can no longer say. It’s really sad as that is what he wants from me. It was the lack of me showing I love him that caused some of his resentment. That is why I struggle to understand why he is happy to accept less.

So many other aspects are better. We talk all the time openly. Spend far more quality time together. Appreciate one another. Call out things we are unhappy with - he didnt do this before. We read Gottmans books and talk about them - that has given us numerous skills to call out what we see and fix it when we start building grudges etc. We read lots of books and articles and share our thoughts.

I don’t want vengeance or to make him
pay in any way. My background means I am good at forgiveness, I can also see the positives in a bad situation. I can list ways this situation has helped me and things that I like about myself from it- it’s surprising really. My anxiety and worry has reduced immensely. I have delved into bits of my past and acknowledged it may have caused me Issues.

If he continues doing the work he is doing he’ll be a good husband. I hope, for him, he gets to be the person he wants to be.

Writing this has made me think I actually like aspects of him more. The connection is very important and it’s improved in many ways.

I said early on that if R is truly possible we are more than capable. I read on here for positive stories to check they really exist.

Edited: wrote this response without seeing all the other responses.

Your WHs sound similarly avoidant to my WH, and I wondered as I read this through, if either of them have been identified as having asperger's syndrome, like mine has? The bit about expecting you to read his mind. The obsessive over-thinking, the relative inability to open up freely. It's like emotional constipation! And from my digging into his FOO after D-Day, it all started back when he was a toddler. Some stunting of his emotional development happened. Not sure how he can or will "grow out of it." He's already 65, I've been waiting....So I think it is important, if you decide to try R, that you know this about the person you are trying to R with. I'll say, in the years since my M imploded I have found no help published specifically for wives of a cheater on the spectrum, other than to adapt and settle for what you can get, which to my mind seems insulting after intimate Betrayal. And worse, all the psychological literature I've found claimed that loyalty is one of their most endearing character traits. I wonder if that meant "loyal to their concept of us as 'the wife' yet not to us, as a separate individual?" Wish someone could have explained this risk we took, before we said "I do."

Because, like you, my WH was OK settling for less, suddenly wanted the M he had tossed aside, and yet by agreeing to not D, I lost the value I had placed in this man as a loyal partner. I'm now years out from D-Day 2, and for me, staying has meant settling for less, shifting him to a roommate, yet he seems totally fine with that, so long as we don't D, even with no children. Sadly, we both lost what could have been a solid partnership.

But the weirdest part is the "strong woman" stereotype; UGH! I get that all the time, too! And beleive me, that perception people have of us dies hard. You can collapse on the floor but they will still see you as "strong!" I know I'm not a "strong" woman, but everybody certainly thinks so, and recently I even heard this adjective from an estranged niece, who more or less blamed me for the way her father's final illness went, can you believe, after I had to go NC with her father a decade ago (after he abused our father.) In my FOO and my adult love life, seems it's always the Strong Woman gets it the worst, even as she is painted as the Family Rescuer, a hallmark of dysfuntional families.

It leads one to wonder, who should we expect will rescue us?

Just wanted to chime in and say you are not alone.

[This message edited by Superesse at 3:30 PM, Friday, October 6th]

Thank you for this post, I resonate with this so much! 2 months out from DD#2, 11 years out from DD#1
What seems to be happening now for him is the "loss aversion" and it does appear to be like his version of "hysterical bonding". He was becoming impatient with my indifferent mood towards him and said, "We both know this isn't going to work and we are too afraid to initiate divorce". I called his bluff and said yeah you are probably right. About an hour later when he processed that conversation He FREAKED and got flowers and wrote the most sincere remorseful, full ownership, apologetic letter I've ever received.

My heart felt warm and it was so good to read that. However, a couple of days later my head is still feeling so cautious because it feels just as you described. I've told him I'm not sure the spark will return, that I love him but it's familial love right now. NOW he seems accepting of this?? When before I wasn't giving him enough attention or meeting all of his needs? Now I'm admitting that I will NOT be meeting his needs in any way for who knows how long with no guarantee I ever will. NOW he is accepting of this? It has to be loss aversion right, his version of hysterical bonding.

Do you think it can be sincere??? Real??

I know I'm only 2 months out, BUT I've been down this road before and I know it takes a couple of years. The last time I decided to be full in on R quickly, I experienced hysterical bonding, we didn't really address our relationship issues. THIS time I'm just not sure, avoiding hysterical bonding completely, and observing his actions vs. words. He is doing all the right things for the most part. BUT I just feel a lot of doubt.

Thank you for any feedback and this post!

This topic has been very helpful to me.
I do think my WH has aspergers possibly. I know he likely has very mild ADHD. He has always been an avoidant communicator but he’s an engineer and I felt like we made up for each others short comings. I am not a very emotionally high needs person and actually he was the one that wanted more affection from me and I made a very big effort to do that for him.
I don’t see that him possibly being neurodivergent having an impact on his values though. I see it more as his character traits that are lacking. I think he loves me in the way that I benefit him. But he did not make sacrifices. Stop watching porn because it bothered me? Nope he didn’t do that until a few years ago. Say no to an opportunity to have sex with someone you knew for five days at a conference? No. Didn’t do that either.
So yes he told himself he loved me because he didn’t want to leave me and saw us as always being there with me. His affair was truly just a diversion and I just don’t think he thought he would be caught.
My version of love is loyalty, sacrificing immediate gratification for the sake of your spouse, commitment. Has he really displayed these things? I would say not really. Now of course he’s doing all the things. Helping so much with our one child at home. Equally taking care of the home. Allowing me to be upset. I do think he’s genuinely remorseful.
Honestly these d day number 2s that some of you are going through five or ten years later is hard to see. I just feel like I don’t know or trust my WH. But I know it’s a long process. I’ve told him I will never be willing to do this again.

I think another big sticking point for me is that he repeatedly slept with her and continued with this for a year. I know this rarely happens but I lament that he never grew a conscience and either stopped or confessed. it would have continued indefinitely. I don’t think my WH has a problem living a double life as long as it "doesn’t hurt anyone". In other Words he doesn’t get caught. I really think this is kind of who he is. He’s trying to change, he knows his thinking and behavior was awful and I hope he can. But I wonder if that’s why some people seem to have the most remorseful spouses yet find themselves betrayed again.