Can I please get some wisdom on this one as I really don't know how to play it.
I am separated, after a failed R without WS doing "the work". Separation was my choice, WS wants to continue with the M. I moved a couple of hundred miles away (not one to do things by halves) and haven't seen him for a month. Since I left , WS is now doing some of "the work". Notable changes have occurred, which is encouraging but I am also viewing them with some scepticism that it isn't just a short term effort to get me to come home.
What I want is one of these two things:
a) To get back together and for him to do EVERYTHING we need, willingly, happily and with no more crap or excuses or being too tired or too sick and to have a partner truly committed to R and all it entails.
b) To move on without him
Anything other than those two options is no longer acceptable to me. Trying to accept less than that turned me into a sad, angry and resentful person and I refuse to be that.
It's worth noting here, that my WS is:
a) autistic, so has deficiencies in some areas of things relating to emotions or communication and he can get very overloaded and stressed by things
b) suferring from Lupus, as well as a heart condition and is in a huge flare so is often fatigued, very sick or generally not okay.
Those two factors are the reasons that I allowed a lack of "the work" to go on for so long as it's really hard to put things onto someone who is sick or struggling. However, I came to a point of realising that regardless of those things he had to do "the work" or I could not stay.
So anyway, where we are at now is
We talk pretty much every day for a while. Sometimes that is about the A. Sometimes it is just chit chat. His Grandma died yesterday, so I will have to go back home for the funeral at least. As for anything else, he is suggesting we have a few "long weekends" together in the coming weeks.
I am sitting here feeling really discombobulated. I am not sure whether to refuse to see him or whether meeting up for a few long weekends is actually a good idea.
PROS OF MEETING UP:
1. Obviously I want to see him
2. We could talk in person, and perhaps progress with "the work"
3. We could build on some positive experiences together
CONS OF MEETING UP:
1. I don't want to fall back into any old patterns where I just give in and accept "the work" not being done. Particularly as it is very hard to insist on that when the person is physically sick.
2. The A happened when we were "long distance" so actually this entire setup is very triggering for me and I don't want it to become "the norm"
3. I feel like the entire reason R wasn't working is because he had no consequences. I am worried that (he works long hours and is sick) that he might be completely fine with an M where I live somewhere else and he sees me for long weekends! I mean, I am genuinely worried that might be great for him! Cake and eat it?!!
So basically I am stuck in my brain with what I should do
do I agree to see him but only for counselling and then drive all the way home?
do I agree to the long weekends but only if we set aside a specific time / hours for "the work"?
do I just stay far away and go to minimal contact so he misses me more?
I really don't know what to do here.
In terms of what's best for ME, definitely the time alone has helped. I am no longer caring for someone chronically ill, I can cry when I want, I can type of this forum, I can eat nothing but cereal and that's been kind of soothing. At the same time I obviously want to know if my M is over or not. I have been in limbo with it for three years and feel like I need some kind of solid plan in place. Which is either a really set, very specific plan for "the work" OR me working out life alone.
He is saying he is willing to do all "the work" but obviously I cannot believe this until I actually see it.
Can I get some wise advice here? What is terrifying me most is the idea that I will end up back in limbo but this time worse because I am also back in a long distance marriage which is my absolute NO WAY red line. Not because I feel he would cheat again, but because it feels to me too triggering.
[This message edited by MintChocChip at 10:51 PM, Wednesday, September 27th]