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Newest Member: M0771

General :
Losing the idea of yourself as the prize.

Topic is Sleeping.
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 4:04 PM on Wednesday, September 27th, 2023

I don’t view affair "love" as real.

The AP is fake — telling the cheater what they need to hear.

The cheating spouse is fake - telling the AP what they want to hear. The cheater spouse leaves out all their faults, often blames the spouse for their unhappiness and presents their fake "best" self.

IMO you cannot love something that is not real. And two lying cheaters don’t make a real relationship.

Cheaters love the fantasy. The fake make-believe bullshit house of cards life they made up.

Funny how as soon as it ends the cheaters are throwing each under the bus. 🤣🤣🤣

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13966   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8809589
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 MintChocChip (original poster member #83762) posted at 7:13 PM on Wednesday, September 27th, 2023

HikingOut


At the same time, I am like you and am very analytical. I need to know what happened and why, even if it’s not going to change my course of action.

Literally this is how I work. I do this with everything. If something interests me, I will read everything on it so I understand it.

At the end of the day, the reason I will put it all out there is because I want the bs to not question what they could have done differently, what they lacked, or what feelings someone lacked having about them. I think the most important aspect when someone says so what is this: it never was about your worthiness or value.

So something weird happened today.

My WSs affair happened in circumstances where he didn't feel things were good with us and he was alone in a new place and a female he felt no attraction to offered him company and so on.

After leaving WS last month, I rented a cute cottage miles from him in literally the middle of nowhere. I know nobody and have more or less just been alone for a month. Not quite as isolated as it's a two hour drive to civilisation, but I definitely am alone!

So today my package got delivered to a house three doors down from me, and I popped over to collect it. Not met the neighbour before but he's a married guy. I have seen him and the wife getting in their car with their dog. So anyway, I got to get the package and end up talking to him.

He asks me lots of questions and then says if I want to be shown around he's happy to take me, and to come over anytime if I need anything. It felt nice talking to him because he doesn't know me and my screwed up life. Then I go to leave and he comes after me and says "hey, if you want to go on some country walks together, I can show you the good routes?".

I said no.

But basically this married guy was asking me to go for walks with him. And I kind of want to because he is clearly being kind and he's a friendly stranger who doesn't know me and my history and that just seemed really appealing.

Of course, I SAID NO, but it made me understand why WS felt he wanted to do that.

It was sort of eye opening to see how easily something begins

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

posts: 273   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8809619
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 6:06 PM on Thursday, September 28th, 2023

On being the prize:

I always thought my W would find someone better than me, which I thought would be pretty easy, and leave. My W never understood what I saw in her; she still doesn't understand why I wanted to R. Neither of us saw ourselves as 'the prize'.

IOW, after d-day, it's necessary for many of us to CREATE a sense of being the prize. Even those of us who have that sense going into d-day may have to modify their sense of being the prize significantly.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 30025   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8809756
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 MintChocChip (original poster member #83762) posted at 6:18 PM on Thursday, September 28th, 2023

I always thought my W would find someone better than me, which I thought would be pretty easy, and leave. My W never understood what I saw in her; she still doesn't understand why I wanted to R. Neither of us saw ourselves as 'the prize'

.

I heard once the best marriages are where both people feel lucky!

IOW, after d-day, it's necessary for many of us to CREATE a sense of being the prize. Even those of us who have that sense going into d-day may have to modify their sense of being the prize significantly.

You saying this made me realise WS probably needs to feel like the prize too. Probably not feeling like that was a reason he did what he did. I don't think he thought he would hurt me as much as he did because I don't think he realised how important he was to me.

Thanks again for all the wisdom. I feel like this thread helped me a lot with putting this feeling to bed.

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

posts: 273   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8809762
Topic is Sleeping.
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