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Newest Member: Usedandneverloved

Divorce/Separation :
Just coworkers - aftermath

Topic is Sleeping.

 madmax76 (original poster new member #83140) posted at 10:31 AM on Monday, September 4th, 2023


Many of you might remember to my original topic (Just coworkers -, in which we've discussed my story of getting cold-heartedly cheated on and betrayed by my STBXW. I just wanted to give you an update to that story and possibly focusing on the important life lessons I learnt so that my next relationship could be potentially more open, honest and more stable by noticing the obvious red flags earlier and handle infidelity much more efficiently.

Just to summarize: I was a newbie, a total beginner in this infidelity game. I never in my life could have imagined that my loved one, my STBXW could betray me and our family of three bright and beautiful young daughters. That she could remorselessly lie and cheat on me in cheap motels and apartments and then come home as nothing happened and act like as everything was alright and cause me a real emotional trauma and betrayal PTSD at the end. I made - despite all the warnings that you gave - the most classic mistakes, like doing the pick-me-dance to please her and win her back, smoking hopium all the time to 'save' the marriage 'for the kids'. None of that worked, actually it made things way worse to be honest.

While I was trying everything humanly possible to convince her that our family was at stake, our way of life was in danger by her actions, that she was going to traumatize the kids with a potential divorce, she did not care about anything. She basically kept on cheating on me, ignored me, refused to go the therapy, instead started a new diet and worked out way more and basically cut all communications with me. But interestingly she did not move out. She stayed in our house and at the same time she reduced her financial contributions to the household to an absolute minimum (way below 50%, more like 15%) which she defended by her lower salary. She never asked about how I feel about this situation in general, she just used our house as a safe harbor where she can eat-sleep and play with the children as nothing happened and then go to work. It was horrifying to experience this lack of empathy, coldness and cruelty by her. As if I did not exist, she treated me like nothing, like a somebody who runs the household, takes care of the children, pays the bills and makes sure our family functions at least on some bizarre way. She never thanked me that despite what happened I kept our family together.

The turning point for me, was when my children asked me about who was going to watch over them today, will be there any dinner tonight, what were they going to do tomorrow with me or with their mom. I saw desperate uncertainty in their eyes... Which I cannot forget to be honest. Which I knew I should stop because the situation hurts the children every minute. That moment I decided I will make the bold step and finally file for divorce. That sadness and frustration in my children's eyes was the last drop for me. It broke my heart actually. Then I suddenly realized I have to quit thinking of salvaging this marriage, quit living together with my selfish cheater wife and go on with the divorce as soon as possible and also, that she is not essential at all to my life anymore, but the my children and my wellbeing is what really counts.

So I started the divorce, we could - after a long battle - reach an agreement. We will have a shared custody, she will move out and buy a new house I will even help her in this, assets will be distributed to her a bit more, but the price she pays is that I won't have to pay any alimony and child support at all, only the common costs about children will be shared equally.

So my long story will end in a divorce. I've learned the following lessons I'd like to share with you:

- Don't do any pick me dance. Don't try to convince your WS to save the marriage/relationship.

- They should show true remorse, not just regret. This is essential for any reconciliation. (TBH I did not even see any regret on her).

- Don't stay for the kids. Yes, divorce will change them, but seeing their parents not talking to each other, experiencing the instability and uncertainty and the lack of love is WAY MORE damaging.

- Accept the fact the if somebody has cheated on you maybe more than once, it was a decision, not a mistake. They decided to betray you, lie to you and backstab you. How can you be with someone who purposefully did that to you? You will never forget that. Never. There is no excuse for this.

- If they continue doing the cheating behind your back, after you caught them, it is over. No more words and explanations needed. It shows total lack of love and respect. You will never win these back.

Yes, it took me 5 months to realize the above things. I was like under a spell, a false emotional attachment or bonding to someone who could not care less about me and the marriage and kid's future. Time to divorce and move on.

[This message edited by madmax76 at 10:36 AM, Monday, September 4th]

posts: 37   ·   registered: Mar. 28th, 2023   ·   location: Hungary
id 8806476

leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 3:30 PM on Monday, September 4th, 2023

my children and my wellbeing is what really counts

Good update, MM. Sorry that your WW couldn't change, but so glad you've decided to D. You're absolutely right about being a relationship role model for your girls, and I'm glad you are getting out.

Good luck and keep us posted.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 2899   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8806493

Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 3:32 PM on Monday, September 4th, 2023

Yes, it took me 5 months to realize the above things. I was like under a spell, a false emotional attachment or bonding to someone who could not care less about me and the marriage and kid's future. Time to divorce and move on.

This is a good reminder to those of us who post, that it takes time for a BS to come around to a place of understanding. The realizations you posted are basically boilerplate advice given on this site, but each of us needs to get to a place where we are ready to recieve it. Some never do and steadfastly insist that their situation is special. It is frustrating at times when I read a thread that seems so obvious as to what the OP should be doing, yet will not do. I feel like im shouting at a movie screen during a slasher film as the hapless victim decides that since the power is out, they should take a bath... But your post reminds me again that change happens by degrees and over time and looks different forceach of us.

I'm glad that you are seeing things more clearly.

As you decouple and detox, take time to truly heal. Work on becoming the best version of you for your kids. Good luck on your next chapter.

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1632   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8806494

Abalone123 ( member #82896) posted at 6:38 PM on Monday, September 4th, 2023

Madmax, It was good to see your update and that you are moving on and doing what’s best for the kids.

I hope you can coparent with her peacefully and move forward in your journey.

I am sure it is a bit of relief in a way not to have that sword of uncertainty hanging over your head. I wish you well.

posts: 220   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2023
id 8806517

BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 6:38 PM on Monday, September 4th, 2023

Five months seems pretty quick to me, so good on you for that! And yes, your kids will be able to heal when they have stability and trust in their surroundings, and that is what your D provides.

Great job taking off the rose-colored glasses and taking actions to protect you and your kids.
You are a great dad.

I wish you continued healing.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5711   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8806518
Topic is Sleeping.
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